Harlett asked me, 'so what now?' The story's tying it's loose ends as it nears the finale. However, I want to pry something apart. It's about time I let drama take over. I should be my old self this time around.
"Like, Dislike"
(I like you- I don't like you- I don't know- I-)
~K27~
Me.
Well, I got a stiff neck because of craning my head for two hours.
D-Don't ask. Sigh. GAWD IT REALLY HURTS.
I also couldn't study properly. SWEET SANMYAKU.
My eyes drift again at the window. I try to avert my gaze, since that window is the reason why I am getting a freakin' stiff neck and I ought to-!
Ok, Kyoko. Calm down.
I look past the window wistfully, heaving a deep sigh.
I think that I'm taking Gokudera-kun's absence a tad too hard.
Heh. Dammit, I shouldn't be too obsessed with his guitar skills.
GAH! What is happening with my head right now? I slam the book shut and took a quick jump to my bed.
I can't freaking get it past my head. This shallow feeling of regret of not appreciating it all sooner.
Those roses...and those chocolates too, I might add. Am I having asweet tooth right now?
AH! I can't get him out of my head!
I hasten out of bed and let delirium reign, along with that subtle touch of pain due to the shitty stiff neck. The door slams behind me as I fly to the stairs, my mind bent on the vase at the living room.
I breathe a sigh of relief as I see the roses, a little wilty, yet alive and staring at me.
I stare back and frown at them. They're making my stiff neck and stomach pain worse by the moment.
They continue looking at me. Damn you, paranoia.
"Actually..."
Gokudera-kun's voice enters my consciousness... and I am left speechless as I look at the roses.
"I want to go to college too."
I'm being delusional again. A tear unexpectedly flows from my eye.
"With you."
My mouth is agape and my feet are numb, as I walk to the vase and lose my control on my two feet. I smell them.
They were so fragrant and sweet.
That was the first time I heard Gokudera-kun say such things and made me feel...fluffy. It was the first time that I actually...
I actually nearly said yes.
The fragrance of the flowers continue to make me feel so serene, despite the spinning of my head and the stiff neck I'm currently feeling.
I think I know where I'm going tomorrow now. The decision might be final.
And maybe... maybe I'll be able to clear up my feelings this time around.
God help me.
~K27~
"Turn It Off"
(I wanna know what it will be like, to find perfection in my pride and see nothing in the light)
Him.
My bags are now packed, and I promised myself this will be the last.
I look at my place again before forcing a smile.
I've been trying to play Entree from the Aimai Elegy album to force my frustration out.
True, I've managed to perfect it but...
I'm still a mess. I don't know still if I should be fucking happy or mad at what the Tenth said four hours ago.
I should be happy right? It took three years, yeah, but I finally got it. I finally get to receive my wish but...
In the end, I realised that regrets often begin at the end.
Then, must I be sad? I don't know either. The short stint the hag and I pulled seemed to have happened a long time ago. My hands continue to strum the invisible guitar the moment I close the upright.
I bite my lip and look at those bags.
Tomorrow. I won't try looking back.
My phone remained on my hand.
In the end, I couldn't text him. Nor her.
~K27~
Me.
"When will you extremely get tired of staring at those flowers, Kyoko?"
Gawd, onii-chan caught me.
"Till you get out of here," I snort. Onii-chan decides to become the stubborn ass he usually is and sits on the sofa.
Tsk. Won't he try to stop annoying me?
"Onii-chan-!" I try to rage so he'd go but...
"Gokudera gave it to you, didn't he?"
"H-how did you-?"
He smirks at my scowl.
"It's a secret~" he sings out.
I ignore him to keep my cool. Folding my arms, I continue eyeing the flowers.
"I've been thinking about it, Kyoko actually... About trying to involve in this extremely icky love business of yours."
Well, how thoughtful of you, onii-chan.
"And I'm sorry."
I couldn't look at my brother.
"Kyoko... Whoever you want to be with right now...extremely go for it. Dammit, sorry about not being able to give you good advice. Just- whoever will make you happy and actually likes you for being yourself, then go for him. I won't be holding you back, alright?"
"You must already know then," I continue to fix my attention on the flowers. "Who I like."
"Uhuh," he chuckles. I bite my lip. "If he's really willing to change that much, to even sacrifice his dream for you...what more can you ask for?"
"K-Kay." I'm tearing up again.
"And he can extremely kickass playing the guitar. I heard him while we were on patrol- oof-!"
Dammit, in the end I couldn't hold back and embraced my onii-chan.
He closes his eyes as I sobbed on his chest. There were no more words to say.
And somehow my stiff neck felt better.
~K27~
(But turn it off, in all my spite, I'll turn it off... JUST TURN IT OFF!)
My cellphone was beeping noisily by the time I went back to bed.
I swallow hard when I see the name of the caller.
I was shaking, and I could barely sustain my toneless voice as I hear him call.
"Hello?"
"W-Why are you calling me all of a sudden?" Frig, I'm flustered instead when I actually hear his voice.
He laughs. "No 'hello'? Really, do you have to ask me that too soon?"
"God, Sawada y-you should've warned me you were going t-to c-call- I left my cellphone so-"
"Kyoko-san?"
"W-What?"
"I hope you'd be able to come tomorrow."
Immediately I felt the pang of guilt.
Dammit Sawada, why did you have to say that out of the blue right now?
"I-Is that the only reason why you're calling me? To make sure I won't forget or something? I'm not an amnesiac, haha." Oh gawd, I actually hate myself right now. I actually sound like I want to go.
There is a quick touch of static, before his masculine tone sweetens it up.
"No. Actually, I just want to hear your voice again, Kyoko-san."
It made me feel a deep pang in my chest.
"I'm glad... actually, to hear that you remember. I'll see you there, then?"
I couldn't answer. My hand quickly clicked the dial tone.
I hate myself. I toss the phone by my pillow, and I could barely look at it as I snuggle to the bed. Even by thinking about Gokudera-kun won't stop my stomach from getting all painful.
My neck's becoming a tad stiff.
~K27~
(The tragedy it seems unending... We're taking shortcuts and false solutions)
(Well I can see behind the curtain, the wheels are cranking- turning)
~K27~
Me.
I think… I have a problem with obsessive punctuality. It's 6:30 AM, I'm already in front of Gokudera-kun's apartment...
And my phone's ringing again.
I turn the phone off. It's probably Sawada, trying to entice me, to make me feel guilty.
I don't want it. I've already decided. This time… no matter what they say, I want to stick with it.
And I want to tell him the truth.
I grip my bag tighter as I went inside the apartment.
It's a beautiful day today too…
~K27~
Him.
It's almost 7 AM right now and I managed to reserve a fucking ticket to the bullet train headed for Tokyo. By then I'll be able to take a taxi to the airport and BAM! I'll be on the plane, going to Italy ahead on schedule so I'll-
DAMMIT I AM SUCH A COWARD.
I bang my hand hard on the wall. It didn't fucking leave a mark to my displeasure.
The situation I'm in is shitty. All of this is shitty.
I look at the piano. I'll probably have it sent back or something if I manage to pass my test.
The hag… right. I probably should call her and give her an alibi or something to rid of her. I'd probably have her CD's sent back as well. Maybe I'll add a thank you note to shut her up.
I bang my hand the second time before forcing back my scream.
…I hate myself because… I'm- deep inside, I'm actually blaming the Tenth for this shit to happen to me.
In a blink of an eye, in order for me, for them not to get hurt I mustn't tell them about this.
Especially... especially... to...
It makes me wonder if I'd be able to stare at her amber eyes again. If I'll ever have the guts to.
"Hello?"
There were the sudden knocks at the door.
I wish that my ears had deceived me. I couldn't find words to shoo the person away.
Dammit, I wish it's not her.
"Gokudera-kun? Are you there?"
I look at my bag. Instantly, the memories keep on hanging in my head, flipping like pages from a long-forgotten book.
Her hair, her eyes, her hands, that chokingly breathtaking smile...
And those lips that I know won't ever reach mine.
It'll be ok, dammit. This is all for the best. She'll probably go away if I fucking keep quiet. If she keeps knocking then I'll probably resort to my boots flying me out the window. I can't miss my train and flight-
BANG!
The sound of the door breaking int pieces made my heart sink. Much more 'twas the face of the person behind it.
I swallow as I see Kyoko-san's left foot plant itself back to the ground.
She smiles triumphantly when she meets my eyes.
"Sorry about that. I guessed you were still there and I had to make sure... The door... I'll probably have a new one made."
This woman's really... Incredible... Agh shit, I mustn't be distracted! I should be going now or I'll be fucking late-
"Why... is Kyoko-san here?"
Move. Screw all of this. Why the fuck am I still talking to her? I SHOULD BE GOING NOW.
"Ehehe... to study for exams. Have you forgotten about that?"
Why?
"Why did you go here instead to Okinawa?"
Why does she care so much about the fucking exams than being by the Tenth's side?
She bites her lip. It took her a minute to reply.
"It doesn't matter, Gokudera-kun."
She couldn't even look at me.
Instantly, I felt a vein throb in my temple.
Why? KYOKO-SAN, THE TENTH DESERVES YOU MORE THAN I EVER WILL.
She passes by me and examines the room. I can't even fucking respond.
What am I doing? I clench my fists and begin trembling. If I don't move I'll be late for the train, for my flight... for my last chance of escaping this.
"Gokudera-kun... have you even tried sniffing this place of yours? Look at the state of it, haha."
"Eh?"
Don't just stand there, goddammit. I still have time to fly out the window. I can still make it.
"Alrighty then! I think I know what we're gonna do today!" she imitates the stupid carrot-nosed guy.
I can still-
"Do you want me to help you make your room presentable, Gokudera-kun?"
My chest seizes up when her smile reveals itself. I can't move. I can't do anything but stare at her.
"You still have time, Kyoko-san. You can still go to the Tenth," I tell her, my tone almost pleading. I look at my phone. Only five minutes left till the train's departure.
Kyoko-san... please just go. I just want to yell it at her.
Her hands hold mine. My trembling just becomes more violent.
She pulls me closer to her. She closes her eyes and simpers at me.
"Gokudera-kun... I've already decided to be here. I don't want to change that," she murmurs serenely. I swallow hard. Her words remind me so much of thorns.
Thorns that continue to ensnare and crush me.
Mutely, I push her hands away. I'm disgusted at myself.
I'm a good-for-nothing asshole for screwing her mind like this.
I should probably tell her that she's just wasting her time with me. I should probably tell her that I'm going to leave, and I probably won't be coming back.
"Ok then, let the pre-exam cleaning begin!" she sings out optimistically.
Fuck me. I can't even reply back.
~K27~
(It's all wrong, the way we're working; Towards a goal, that's nonexistent, it's nonexistent...)
(But we just keep believing)
Her.
Mmm... I should probably text Baldie that Kyoko-chan's coming today.
Umu... I'm so sleepy still~ It's just 7AM here on my phone. Maybe that idiot's still asleep yet.
I stare at the screen of my phone. Whaa~ Kyoko-chan!
Gosh, I'm so surprised by the fact she'll be pulling this stunt up!
I stretch my arms and stifle back a yawn.
Should I text Gokudera-kun about this? I look at the alarm again.
Darn, looks like my sexy body wins this. I sink back to the pillows.
It's best if it'll be a surprise. And argh, my body needs more hours of beauty sleep!
~K27~
Me.
Pleaseohpleaseohplease I hope Haru didn't tell Gokudera-kun!
Yeah, I had been saying that to myself fifty minutes before I had even knocked. It's a false alarm, fortunately.
Hm. Probably she didn't because Gokudera-kun was surprised to see me. It's a little fishy too, when I had noticed earlier that Gokudera-kun had packed stuff and confirmed it when I cleaned his drawers.
And add the fact that he didn't answer me earlier when I was requesting to enter...
He's pretty quiet as well. Compared to his usual silence due to shyness... this one was different.
I saw a sliver of disappointment when he saw me kick the door open (Onii-chan, thank you for teaching me!)
Or probably it's because I'm feeling so hyper today. Haha.
I'm currently in the process of cleaning the dishes that...uh... Probably lay in the sink for weeks now. The smell's so funky I had to borrow five facemasks to outlast the smell and wipe 'em clean.
It also took a while to sweep the dust bunnies accumulating from the oddest places in Gokudera-kun's room. Then I had to clean the bathroom and make his bed.
I find it surprising to see everything such a mess... It all seemed like Gokudera-kun's in a hurry.
And with the bag in mind, he's probably-
Ah well, he'll have to wait a little while longer!
"Gokudera-kun, is it alright if I use your stove?"
It's a good thing I thought of buying groceries.
~K27~
Him.
Kyoko-san's thoughtfulness should have taken a toll on me already.
"I hope you'll like the katsu-don I'll be making. From the looks of stuff here, you hadn't even eaten a decent meal. Some take-outs here and instant noodles there... Gokudera-kun needs to fill his stomach with something nutritious this time!"
She's too fucking nice that it pisses me off.
I sit at the foot of my bed, exhausted of the cleaning we had. She insisted to clean the ceiling and that stinky bathroom... dammit I wasted about 75% of my energy.
And she sits beside me as she takes out the ingredients and utensils, including the knife, chopping board and the pan.
Holy shit.
She concentrates at her work, preparing everything speedily by hand. Her hands smoothly chop the greens and meat without much mess.
She's amazing.
"Gokudera-kun, I brought my rice cooker. Can you steam some rice for me?"
My eyes widen as she brings out one and places it on my outstretched hands with barely any effort.
"I-I'm not exactly good at anything in the kitchen Kyoko-san-" I mumble.
"Then I'll help you. Is that alright?"
"I might break a dish or something-"
"Fearing something won't help you overcoming it, Gokudera-kun," she smiles and leads me towards the sink as she brings the rice grains with her.
"K-Kyoko-san-"
"Actually I'm glad that I managed to cook something for a friend. I haven't done this for such a long time now... It's my way of showing thanks for teaching me for the test. Katsu for the win!"
I swallow. She's reminding me of the thing I'm depriving both of us. She's already losing her chance of meeting up with the Tenth whilst I am losing my chance of getting the test sooner.
"With the katsu-don, I'm going to add udon soup and coconut curry dip! Let's give it our best for the test next week, ok?"
"..."
~K27~
(I'll turn it off in all my spite... I'll turn it off... JUST TURN IT OFF!)
~K27~
Kyoko-san's phone has been ringing consecutively for an hour now.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" I ask as I prepare the small table I have. I insist that I sit on the floor instead.
"Ah... no!" she replies, as she turns her phone off this time. "I-It's just Haru. I'll talk to her later when I get home, ahahaha..."
She can't mask the tone in her voice. She's obviously lying.
But I don't press her further. I continue sipping the soup quietly.
"How is it?" she asks with a small smile.
I cannot look at her as I sip it some more.
It was good. So good.
"I've never tasted... home-made katsu-don before," I reply monotonously. "Thank you, Kyoko-san."
I... actually I want to praise it more. It was obviously made with love. She deserves more recognition from me than that.
"I'm really glad that Gokudera-kun likes it," she chirps. From the groceries, she then puts a piece of cake in a plastic bag by my side.
"And... a little something to sweeten things up. Onii-chan doesn't like cakes much so I give you this fail work I baked."
She really... does she really want to fatten me up this bad? At this rate I'm not going to have a flight ready in time!
"Oh!" her eyes drift at the piano beside the bed. Dammit! She's gonna discover...!
Wait... what the fuck am I afraid of? Maybe I should tell her to replace me-
"Gokudera-kun, haha! I now know what you're gonna do for the presentation!" she grins, pointing at the piano excitedly like a little kid.
I just look at her.
"That's amazing," she smiles.
My heart palpitated in a fraction of a second.
"Can you... play something for me?"
I obey. I walk slowly at the upright and began to press the keys.
I began to sing 'Just the Way You Are' as I do.
I'm surprised that even if my mood hasn't picked up, my performance remains spot-on.
She claps at me excitedly.
"Who taught you this?"
"My mother," I reply with a grunt. I look at her as she sweetly claps again.
"I bet she's proud of you for playing this well, Gokudera-kun. I'm not really good at this music business... but I think you're really good. Maybe I can sign you up in the music club so you'd be able to show your talent."
I look down to hide my grin.
"I only want to play this one time. I... don't think I can play anymore except for Kyoko-san."
"Ok," she beams, not minding at all. "I can't argue with that, can I? It's up to you, anyway."
She probably didn't understand that this is the last time I'll ever play it.
Then her phone rang.
~K27~
(Worst part is before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff)
(And in the free-fall I will realize I'm better off when I hit the bottom)
~K27~
Me.
Tsuna-kun's calling me again.
And again, and again, and again, and again!
I'm feeling a little guilty because of it. For goodness' sake, I'm already here.
I hate the fact that he can still use his phone to reach out to me.
"Can we begin the study session then, Gokudera-kun?"
He takes quite a while to respond as I wash the dishes. He keeps looking at the window, muttering something.
It's unnatural for Gokudera-kun to be like this... but I don't want to pry. It's probably too rude of me... I mean, for barging here without a second's notice.
Yeah, I shouldn't just butt in into his business. I've already done enough.
~K27~
Her.
"Hello, Tsuna-san? Why did you call?"
I think... I don't like where this is going.
"Haru-san, do you know where Kyoko-san might be? She's not answering her phone. I won't be mad if you tell me the truth."
Aww, shiiiiit. Knew this is going to happen.
"Tsuna-san... Kyoko-chan... er..." Fuck, should I tell him? Gah, my heart's pounding so loud! "Ahm... Kyoko-chan's studying for exams, I think..." God, should I tell him about Gokudera-san too? ARGH.
"...I- I see..."He sounds so crestfallen as he answers back. I gulp to stop myself from choking. "Ahaha... I'm sorry for calling you so suddenly, Haru-san."
"It's fine, Tsuna-san..." I lied. It's not ok. He cannot hide the dejection in his voice. I don't want to know what happens next if this continues.
"Thank you, Haru-san. Tell Kyoko-san 'Good luck on her exams', ok?"
I let him hang up first. I can't return to my books and notes after.
Oh my god, I pray that nothing bad will happen between the three of them!
~K27~
"Things To Say"
(I wonder how our life would feel if you looked back and I had got to say the things I didn't say)
Me.
"Gokudera-kun, are you listening to me?"
He continues scribbling on, not minding me at all.
He looks so dead as he gives me the answers via pen-on-paper.
"Gokudera-kun?" I hold his arm and he shakes it away.
He's trembling fiercely as he writes without giving me a hoot.
"If there's something wrong, or if you want me to leave, can you please tell me?"
He ignores me and keeps flipping the book we were using as he searches for more questions.
"P-please don't ignore me-"
He keeps thumbing the book absentmindedly.
"In that case..."
SLAM!
"Evil book, I order you to not hypnotize Gokudera-kun any longer!"
He jumps from his seat and looks at me beadily.
"What were you doing, Kyoko-san?" he says hoarsely.
"I was freeing you from the evil book's spell. You were too mesmerized by Analytic Geometry, my boy," I wink.
"Oh..." His mouth became a thin line. "I'm sorry that the book got the better of me, haha..."
There was still no life in his voice.
He sits down again and hands me the answers.
"If you have problems understanding them... you can ask me, Kyoko-san..."
"Gokudera-kun, I want you to be honest with me."
He stops working on a problem and waits.
"Do you want me to leave?" I ask him, trying to stare at his jade eyes.
The line of a mouth vanishes, and he looks at me with a smile.
~K27~
Him.
Nine hours have already passed since the first trip by train. There's still one I can board on after thirty minutes that will head for Tokyo. I'll check if there are any trips for Italy there then. I still have time. I still have hope.
Fucking yes, I'm going to run away and I don't know if I should blame Kyoko-san, the Tenth or myself.
Can I blame Kyoko-san for interrupting my flight and probably breaking the Tenth's spirit?
Can I blame the Tenth for being secretive and telling me at the last minute that shit like this can happen?
Or can I fucking blame myself, for acting so stupid to actually fall in love with Kyoko-san and handle poorly these shitty consequences?
Can I just blame myself for taking the easy way out?
"Do you want to me to leave?"
I should stall myself. She's asking me a question.
She's giving me a ticket to freedom. It disturbs me all too much.
Can I really tell her the truth and hurt her feelings as the corollary?
"Yes." I should. I should accept the fact that it's better to act now than regret it later.
A long silence enshrouds itself in the room. I look away.
"I... see. Then I should probably take my leave then. I hope that you liked your meal though, haha," she smiles, her voice never wavering as she takes the notes I had written and stows it in her bag, along with the rice cooker, the chopping board and her other utensils. "I should've called Gokudera-kun. I'm so sorry!"
Why is she so nice?
I invited her here, and for me to show my displeasure when she's here now I-
I was right. I really never deserved her.
"Kyoko-san."
Irony is, I can't stop myself for doing it.
"Do you want to catch the Tenth's match then? Maybe he's still fighting right now. The competition doesn't end until 5 PM."
I still can't stop myself sacrificing my superficial wants to see her happy- with someone else.
After that, I can probably go on to catch the train. It's two birds in one shot.
I then kneel down with my back facing her.
"Climb on my back Kyoko-san. Don't worry about my things. I'll find out and kill whoever tries to. We'll fly to your house so you can bring down your supplies. Then we can fly there. We still have time to spare."
I can have my things shipped to Italy. It won't be a problem. If she doesn't agree then...
"Oof, you're heavy!"
"Ahaha, really Gokudera-kun? I should probably stop eating my sweets then?"
"Say what?"
"To prepare for the confectionery competition this summer I need to practice. Onii-chan's too tired of eating them, so I finish them myself haha."
"I'll just prepare my back for the pain, then."
Shit, why can I still kid around?
~K27~
Me.
"Gokudera-kun, can I ask you something?"
I already had brought my stuff back at home a couple of minutes ago. It's friggin' cold up here. He assured me earlier we would reach the center where Tsuna-kun was having his match in thirty minutes.
"Shoot," he answers.
I grin. It's cold, and at the same time the clouds have occluded my field of vision. It's alright though, because I know I won't be lost with Gokudera-kun.
"Why are you so kind to me?"
He laughs.
"I mean, Gokudera-kun I've figured out that you weren't happy to see me, but you still let me in. You let me do every whim I want, and you never complained or threw a fit. Even when I interrupted your tutoring, you still didn't shout at me."
"..."
"It's ok if you don't answer, haha. I should just go with the flow then."
It's better if you reserve your energy, Gokudera-kun.
"Do you want to look down?" he now asks. "It's an amazing sunset, Kyoko-san."
"If you promise me one thing," I say, cheekily I might add. "You and I will be watching Tsuna-kun's match."
I can still do it then. I can still push through.
I just have to believe that Gokudera-kun's patient enough.
"Ok."
Yes!
"Look down or else-!"
And we dive, but I never closed my eyes.
Gokudera-kun's right. It's wonderful. I wish I can fly!
"We're almost at the island, Kyoko-san. Do you want to touch the sea later?"
I nod and hold on tightly. I'm sure even then, I'll trust him still.
~K27~
I actually had fun with Gokudera-kun. It was cool even as we glided to see flying fish pass us. I'm so glad that I agreed with him.
He really knows... how to make me happy, along with Tsuna-kun.
"Let's hurry, Kyoko-san!" he says urgently as we rush to the dome to Onii-chan and Tsuna-kun's match.
We rush past the throngs of people going back and forth inside and squeezed our way past the entrance door.
I pray our flying here wasn't in vain!
"Get off!" I push the guy trying to get out past us because the space was too small. I nearly got crushed. Thank goodness that Gokudera-kun grabbed my hand in time!
"Are you ok?" he asks me as we run to what seems to be the final hallway. Damn was the venue huge!
We open the door and excused ourselves past some who were leaving.
"Shame this final match is very one-sided. I feel pity for the kid. He won't even fight back..."
"Yes, how anticlamatic... And the poor kid had been doing awfully well in the preliminaries..."
What? We've just reached the last match?
"We need to go down to see it clearly Kyoko-san," Gokudera-kun leads me. I close my eyes.
"Such a shame..."
"And he had this streak too, or so I heard-"
"He didn't even throw a jab or anything!"
Just who are they whispering about?
D-don't tell me-
We stop.
I look at the ring.
There was Tsuna-kun, head bowed and at the left side of the referee.
The match... is already over.
The ref raises the hand of the winner.
It wasn't Tsuna-kun.
Just as I am about to utter his name, they turn and leave.
And I just stood there, biting my lip.
In the end... it was just a waste of time.
If we just zoomed there, would we still had caught Tsuna-kun? Would he have pulled out something and won the match if we arrived in time?
He looked clearly sad as the ref proclaimed the winner.
Did we... No... I... Make him lose?
"Go, Kyoko-san."
I looked to my right. Gokudera-kun was no longer holding my hand.
"You're the only one who can cheer him up. Go on without me," he nudges further.
"I can't," I activate my self-restraint. Even if I feel so guilty, I should take this risk right now.
Because... I did not come here just for Tsuna-kun's sake.
I hate myself for thinking so, but I have to be honest this time.
"What's wrong?"
"Gokudera-kun," I turn to face him. My stomach's having this lousy feeling and I am shaking uncontrollably. "I have to be truthful. I came here for my own sake, to tell you something."
It's like I'm having an epileptic shock right now as I try looking at his eyes, cursing myself for acting so selfishly. I hate myself for using Gokudera's offer for my own sake.
"I like you, Gokudera-kun. I like you... a lot."
~K27~
Him.
She... I... I...
A smile worms its way on my lips.
Figures. In the end I have to congratulate the hag. We achieved victory in a span of merely three days.
Her eyes disappear past her bangs. She's trembling.
Not only is Kyoko-san optimistic, she's also candid. Brave.
The choice I made cannot mix with the qualities she showed me today. I'm such a weakling. A fucking coward.
"Kyoko-san..." I call her name softly.
I beam again and place my hands on her shoulder once she looks up.
I cannot not embrace her. It's not my duty to.
"Go. To the Tenth. You need him far more than I'll ever want you."
It was an instant. Her mouth opens as she looks at me.
"I only promised to watch him. I'm leaving now. You must've realised that by now. You saw my bags." My tone is gentle. Serene.
"Kyoko-san... Don't ever look back once you turn around okay?"
I can't tell her the truth. She might blame the Tenth.
Her mouth clenches and her throat clears a little.
"Goodbye, Kyoko-san. Thanks for the food."
Yes, and the memories. I give her the final shove.
She's supposed to leave first. I rejected her. But she... she...
She actually waves back.
She grins as she does.
"You're welcome!" she says, lifting her right hand and waving at me. "Don't worry, I'll go.Adieu, Gokudera-kun."
And she turns to the exit. I wait till she rounds the corner.
Once she does, I also turn and walk to the other exit at the far end.
I can't be friends with her anymore. I can't do it out of fear in rekindling my past feelings towards her.
I can't help but clench my fists as I do.
I like Kyoko-san too, even now. My heart leapt just a sec upon hearing her utter those words.
Even if doesn't matter anymore.
~K27~
"First Train Home"
(What matters to me doesn't matter to you...
What matters to you doesn't matter to them
What matters to them... It doesn't change anything)
Him.
I am quite lucky that there's still a final train headed to Tokyo from Okinawa. Thank God it's now possible.
Sure, the savings I have might not be enough for the flight but I'll figure something out once I reach the capital.
This shit I'm about to do... I'm sorry everyone. I can't... I don't...
I was never suited for the shit that you're all going through. It's over.
I can't do it anymore. The longer I stay, the longer I'm sure to inflict more pain... especially to Kyoko-san.
"It seems that I chose the right train to board."
Suddenly, someone occupied the seat facing mine.
"Was it Reborn-san's orders for you to stop me?" I snort as I look at the window. It's going to be a beautiful sunset. The seaside is absolutely vast and open to possibilities as it shimmers and foams.
The pineapple girl shakes her head.
"I came here by my own accord."
"Oh? Then what do you fucking want me to do? Cancel my train?" my mouth will finally get the better of me. I have never liked this girl since then. I cannot like her for losing control that time.
She bores her uncovered eye at me. "I want you to finish what you started."
She wants me to go back.
I stretch my arms and yawn. I leer at her.
"There's no point going back. I don't want to hesitate," I sigh as I look at the horizon once more. Gulls flock at our window. "Hesitating has leaded me cancelling the first train, making the Tenth miserable and rejecting the girl I love. All in one day too!" I laugh darkly. "Just like before. If you haven't hesitated to break up with me, then you would've left me with less bruises."
"I cannot take back the past," she says tonelessly. "You must finish what you started to at least be satisfied at leaving it off."
"But what's the point? If I do stay... then I might hurt Kyoko-san again. I'll just make the Tenth be probably more miserable than before. I might just involve the hag to more decisions that will lead to nowhere."
"Then you do believe that you're making the right decision then. By running away?"
If it was me back then, I would've yelled and hurt her. Yeah, if I did let anger get the better of me.
"I'm such a wimp, aren't I?" I chuckle. "I don't know what else to do right now. If I left early... Probably I'll be able to escape the poor choices I had made, for the sake of someone."
It's now her turn to look at the window.
"In life, we search for answers to prove we have the right decisions..." she trails off. "But the truth is, we can't search for what's not there. At the end of the day, the lessons we get are the answers to our decisions. That's why we forgive people who hurt us, we love people who don't love us and we smile despite every painful crash in our hearts."
"Since when have you given such advice?" I tease her.
"Miura-san sent me to tell you that," she said. "After you left your home she asked me to help her look for you two. She worries about you three."
"Pfft, that idiot hag..." I mutter, irked and touched at the same time. She's a fool through and through to keep advising me with that stupid book of hers.
"Miura-san cares for you a lot," she says still in monotone. "She asks me for your cellphone number as well."
"Did you give it to her?" I nearly shouted. The last thing I want to here is her asking me "Are you here yet?"
She shrugs. "It's up to you if you want to tell her or not."
I guffaw and also look at the window. "Both of you are really stubborn."
There's a small silence after.
"You've grown, you know. The old you might have wrung my neck if ever face him."
"Haha, that's exaggerating it!" I beam but then fall silent again. I'm surprised at myself as well. The few weeks I had spent in Namimori has changed me a lot.
"I wonder..l if you're the person from that time, maybe our relationship would've held on even by just a little."
And then I saw a liquid fall past her left cheek.
I close my eyes and put my hand on her own at the train table.
I can still remember it all too vividly, especially the things I had done to her. Even now, it hurts me to see it.
I squeeze her hand. The tears continue to drip slowly. She didn't break down. The Chrome Dokuro I know had never cried even if I had beaten her nearly to death one time.
I squeeze her hand harder.
"You know why some relations last long and others fail?" Damn it, I hate the me back then. I should've apologized the moment she broke up with me. "They last long not because they're destined to last long. They last long because two brave people made a choice- to keep it, fight for it, and to work for it. Meanwhile others fail not because they are destined to fail. They fail because either one or both made the choice-"
I'm so sorry for being so blind. You accepted my confession then even if you already had loved someone else.
"To set the other free."
She finally, after two years cracks a smile at me. She looked absolutely beautiful. There was no question why I had loved her.
I stand up.
"I guess I better go then. I'll try giving her my shitty number if she asks me," I smile. "Oh, and right. Whoever you choose this time, make sure that dude will make you happy or I'll seriously kick his ass."
She continues to smile as I turn to walk to the pilot and tell him to fucking stop the train. If that fails then I'll try to find another way.
"Gokudera."
I face her one final time, grinning broadly.
She has only been able to say my name only now.
"Remember: our eyes are placed in front because it's more important to look ahead than to look back. Good luck."
I nod and turn around. Thanks.
Well.
It's time for me to let this old flame die then.
~K27~
"Breathe Again"
(All I have, all I need, he's the air I would fucking kill to breathe...)
Me.
Should I cry right now?
I mean, Gokudera-kun had rejected me earlier. I was too late to realize my feelings. It turns out that in the end, he values Tsuna-kun more than me.
W-what am I supposed to do now...?
Oh... Gokudera-kun told me... to go to Tsuna-kun...
Well what shall I do then...? Cheer him up? Apologize?
His face earlier showed complete frustration. He had seen us. I saw him look at our direction.
But the area was so vast... I must be romanticizing things.
So... must I go...?
But... I don't know where he went. He might have gone home already. I don't even know now how I'll be able to leave.
Gokudera-kun's... such an idiot for ditching me here.
But at least I'll be able to...
I forgot what I'm supposed to do now. I have managed to catch a train that has Namimori on its list (it turned out that we're just a couple of miles from Okinawa).
In the end, I can't do it. I really can't do it.
I think... I'll be too weak to face Tsuna-kun.
It took me all my strength to muster a smile at Gokudera-kun for saying that to me.
Actually, it's painful. I never thought that things like this would feel this way. I always roll my eyes when the girl cries as this guy rejects her.
Now... now I'm really so, so stupid. I shouldn't have pulled it. I'm just regretting the shit I did.
I hate Kyoko Sasagawa.
I hate myself for being so, so self-centered. I'd rather think of my own feelings than Tsuna-kun's.
Gokudera-kun was also hinting that I should be here, rather than at his house. Why, why, why didn't I even listen?
Why did Gokudera-kun even told me he liked me when in the end he'd rather stand by the Tenth than by his decision? He's an idiot.
Now I hate him as well. I hate him for not sticking to his thoughts. I hate him for changing things by the last minute.
I hate him too... for making me fucking hope that he'll say yes.
Did he trick me? Or was I tricking myself for believing he'll agree?
If I had backed out soon, would I be happier? Would I have liked it more if I never told him I liked him?
No. I wouldn't have liked it.
I'm the real idiot here. I just don't want to face my mistakes. I keep asking questions to not make myself look bad.
It's already been an hour since I had reached Namimori. I'm still asking questions, making up excuses.
And making up distractions, as I cover my face with my knees at the bench. It's already eight o'clock when I had returned.
I look up. Stars litter the night sky and splashed as far as my eyes can see. I feel like I am inside a giant bowl.
It's suffocating me actually.
I cannot steer clear of my emotions.
I look at the sky again. My heart seems to sting a lot.
Because even now I-
I'm still in love with Gokudera-kun.
But he already said no. So why am I still hoping?
WHY AM I STILL STARING INTO SPACE AND WISHING HE'LL FLY HERE AND TELL ME HE STILL FEELS THE SAME WAY?
It won't work still.
I still can't do it. I still can't move my legs. I still can't do what Gokudera-kun wishes me to do.
I'm so-
It took me quite a while to notice there's a hand on my head.
It took me another moment to notice someone holding me close.
"I'm glad that you came to watch, even if you missed it, and I lost."
My heart sank as I hear Tsuna-kun's voice.
I let my knees hide my face as I begin to shake.
He is the last person I want to see.
"Well, there's nothing much you can do about it. Exams are on Monday and I should've gone home with the championship to brag about."
I'm so tremulous I nearly couldn't hear all of his words.
I hate Tsuna-kun for not blaming me for his loss.
"I-I'm not putting it up on you! I guess it was my fault for acting so selfish and force you to come… I'm sorry, Kyoko-san."
He knew what I'm thinking and it makes my stomach hurt even more.
"Where's Gokudera-kun?"
He really has to ask that.
"H-he left," I can barely whisper. The emotion I try holding back wants to spill out.
"I see…" he speaks wearily.
I just cannot stop shaking. It is too much, actually.
"Tsuna-kun," I murmur, embracing my knees further. "Why is love so ironic?" It dropped. Slowly but surely they began to drop. "It's hard to find, but easy to lose… makes you feel good but hurts you so bad… opens your eyes but makes you blind… fills up your heart then tears it apart…"
They continue to drop, washing my face entirely. I cannot stop myself. The tears just continue falling.
He doesn't answer me. I continue to weep, unable to halt myself.
It makes me really mad because after the moments of hiding my tears in front of him, he'll finally see me like this.
"You know, it makes me mad because even if Gokudera-kun rejected me, I can't stop liking him," I continue, raising my voice.
I am so furious at myself. He doesn't interrupt.
"Tsuna-kun... you should hate me. I ignored your calls, and I didn't come even if I could've ended studying much more quickly."
I keep pouring out, and still he doesn't clear his throat.
"I'm such a bad person. I used Gokudera-kun and didn't give a damn about his feelings. I used him to get what I want. He really doesn't deserve a bitch like me."
Even then, he keeps quiet.
"Tsuna-kun…" I cannot stop myself from calling his name, and still I continue crying. "Tsuna-kun, Tsuna-kun, Tsuna-kun…"
I hate the fact that Tsuna-kun can be so selfless even now. He would rather listen to my rants than talk of how bad I really am.
I look up, then gasp.
He looks absolutely beaten to a pulp. His face is disfigured even and badly swollen. He's wearing a jacket, probably to hide the bruises he has sustained.
But still, I cannot mistake that simper.
"I'm ok," he assures. "I'll stay here. I'm not going to leave. I promise."
Another tear falls from my eye. I reach out and touch his face. He doesn't even move as I caress it slowly.
I don't get it. I don't get it at why Tsuna-kun who barely had any medical treatment would put my emotional pains than his own.
I'm so sorry. Even if I still love Gokudera-kun, you're ok with that.
I held onto his jacket and covered my face with it. I felt the charm underneath his chest, his beating heart past it as well.
He was warm, so, so warm.
"Hold me," I whisper.
He embraces me.
Fifteen… thirty… ninety minutes passed, and I continue holding onto his jacket. I continue to sob.
It's painful, truly I admit. I'm suffocating from the first love I had ever felt.
But maybe, I'll be able to breathe again. I hope, this time, with Tsuna-kun.
And maybe he'll never let me go.
~K27~
"Cry with You"
(Keeping it inside won't fix it)
Him.
The sunset is blinding, even if I'm not seeing the sun.
I push the swing, still looking out. The wind's whistling. The leaves are rustling.
It's all too tranquil. It's all too solemn for me to take.
I close my eyes once more and continue pushing myself, letting the wind murmur on my ears.
"Hey," her voice startled me. I look at her, now walking past the slide of Namimori Park and sitting at the empty swing beside me. A guitar's at her side.
I stop my swing. But I didn't reply or face her again.
"I should've told you that Kyoko-chan was going to confess to you today and I wouldn't have to resort to Chrome-chan helping me. Then none of this would have happened. Maybe you could've avoided it sooner."
"You knew?"
"Well, yeah. You already pointed that out yesterday afternoon. Sorry."
I bite my cheek. "Whatever. It already happened."
"Yeah…" she laughs. "Judging by the look on your face, did you turn her down?"
"It's best if you didn't hear it from Kyoko-san," I sigh.
I should… thank her now or something for going to lengths like that in picking me up. Damn her.
"Well, it's a good thing you're not being emo about it you know. But then again, the guitar I brought won't be put to use."
"What's that? You're just going to brag at your guitar skills that fail."
"K-kay. Baldie, I hate you."
I look down at the swing.
"But actually, I think your voice's nice. Good even. I'll be glad if you know, we continued our presentation for the Prom."
Yeah, it's really better if I thought about doing some good before I leave.
"You just want me to compliment you as well, don't cha?" she rolls her eyes.
"Fuck, I won't go that low."
"Right. Don't worry, it worked. I think your vocals and piano skillz aren't shabby either. As well as that English test score."
"Why thank you!"
She hits me with the guitar on the head.
"Don't be too braggy! I only said they're not shabby," she folds her arms, her head held high.
I stick my tongue out. "You're such a bad liar. You adore my awesome skillz."
"K-kay!"
I guffaw. I can really depend on her to lift my spirits, even if she doesn't mean to.
"Hey hag."
"Present!"
"I want you to do something for me. Can you…" I nearly thought twice about asking her. "Can you talk to Kyoko-san for me? Can you tell her that I apologize?"
"Why not do it yourself?"
I shook my head. "I probably won't be able to do it. I cannot come near her without the risk of hurting both of us. I cannot be friends with her from now on."
"Gaden, and why?"
"Because I still like her," I say truthfully. "And I don't want to do that anymore. It'll never work between us."
"Why?"
"Gawd, don't you have any methods of questioning other than that 'w' word?"
"Nope, suck it up."
"Well, because I'll be leaving after the Prom. I'll become the Right Hand Man. I cannot go to college with her then."
"A-and so what? Even if you can't be with her till college, there's still at least that long-distance relationship thingie. Facebook! Twitter! Skype! It can work out!"
"It won't. See, I still have to take a test before I really become the Tenth's Right Hand. I might literally die doing it."
"I hate you for being so negative," she sighs now going at it with her swing.
"Sorry, but I guess I don't want to involve myself with love anymore," I shrug.
She frowns.
"Gokudera-kun, I hope you're wrong. It's actually fun being in love. It makes you so alive."
"I had already two hearts broken and I'm still not as hyperactive as you," I chuckle.
"Even so… maybe it happened because there's something better for you to have. Who knows? Maybe the next girl that comes along might actually be the one you're searching for."
"Hmph. Let's hope then," I grunt.
The sky's turning pink now.
"You know, you can actually cry now if you want."
I do not reply. My mouth finds it difficult to find words.
"No matter how hard you laugh, it's still not ok if you don't let it out."
Tch. She has read me this well now?
"Now you don't have a purpose. Don't let anybody in." she sings, strumming her guitar.
I try to close my ears. The regrets and mistakes that I had made might burst. Shit, what is she fucking doing?
"Now you're out there with no target. So your friends become your aim. Now there is no one left around you. There is no one left to blame."
That idiot… what is she doing?
"And what you don't know, it won't hurt you… and what you don't know will save you from some pain. But if I can choose over, and it hurt you... coz there's something about, life in the pain."
She grins at me faintly as she sang. Her eyes never left me.
"Now there's a something inside you stirring. Like there's a fight coming your way. But there'll be no fists you'll be throwing. Just some words you've got to say."
I bite my lip. She should just stop. She should just stop it, goddammit.
"And you'll scream for repentance... or you'll hide behind what's fake. But there ain't nothing to forgiveness… you give as freely as you take."
That's enough. That's friggin' enough.
"And I don't need to understand your stories. Don't need to understand your pain. Coz I've been here since the beginning. And I'll be here the rest of the way."
Shit, shit, shit. It happens so fast. My hands subconsciously touched my eyes.
" And I'll be here the rest of the way."
I was crying.
I was really… tearing up.
"Now you've tried your hand in running… Why don't you try your hand in faith? 'Coz there's a moment to be taken, and it is right before you break."
She sings the chorus then. I smile as she does.
I was really crying and smiling at the same time. I never thought it'll be possible.
"Thanks a lot," I speak, once she finishes. "I'll give you my number then, in case I involve myself in more break ups," I added, smirking.
You've been such a good friend to me, Miura. I can't thank you enough.
I didn't feel nor sound weird as I utter her name.
"Anytime dude, anytime," she beams. "But my services doesn't come free, haha."
It's the first time that I actually started to believe in what I've got right now.
I'll continue looking ahead. There's no more reason for me to look back.
Thanks for the advice…Chrome. I'm glad that I listened.
~K27~
Next Chapter: Here comes the kissing!
I hate the fact that even this summer break, I still have tons of stuff to take care of.
OTL, yeah. Next chapter will be the last time we'll see a Gokudera POV. I'm not satisfied with this chapter at all. I think it's too cheesy and too emotional. Hope you don't mind though. Next chapter will be all 'party-partay!'.
Oh right, don't hesitate to ask questions about this chapter! I'll reply as fast as I can.
Thank you for reading and still sticking with me the 'busybody'. :3