Gerald

"Calm down, Gerald."

"No, Arnold; you just shut the hell up and let me think."

I watched him sigh, taking another sip from his mug. I took a small look around to make sure I did not have another audience. Try as I may, I could not keep my voice down; especially in a fit of rage. Arnold didn't seem to be fazed at all by it but did occasionally ask for me to lower my tone because it sent the wrong message to the nosey neighbors that lived in the room next to ours. "You need to get a grip."

"Easy for you to say." I scoffed. I took a sip of my own from my mug of coffee, blowing gently. "You're girlfriend isn't married to another man nor is she a mother to a three year old."

Arnold shrugged, taking another sip. I wanted to slap the nonchalant attitude right out of him. Ever since I saw Phoebe two weeks ago, I have been tripping out about the fact that the woman I risked my life and freedom for was now a mother and a wife to another man. I kept replaying the scene in my head; the day I went and technically hijacked an airplane. I was truly lucky my father had a friend that was the brother-in-law to a wealthy, bad-ass lawyer that could drop majority of the charges against me. I was facing almost twenty years, a hefty fine, and risk of being classified as a terrorist; thus having my citizenship revoked. Arnold was facing similar charges but also for assault. I could never truly repay Arnold for what he did that day. I knew before he was more than a friend to me but like family, but after that incident I knew Arnold was more than that. He was blood. I just could not understand where I went wrong. I spent over $5,000 to buy Phoebe a stupid promise ring from the overpriced Tiffany's jewelry store only to have her reject me in front of not only an audience but her family. I left understanding but also a broken man. How could I have been so stupid?

"Gerald, you been going at this for two weeks now. When are you going to give it a rest?"

"When I finally realize this isn't a dream."

Arnold shook his head. "Gerald, maybe it's time you move on. I was in favor of you going after Phoebe but with the sudden change of events, maybe it's best you just give up your pursuit and focus on being realistic."

I grew mute, staring outside the coffee house window into the streets of downtown Tokyo. It was beginning to snow. "Maybe you're right man; but I can't get Phoebe out of my system. I love that girl."

"She's married with a kid, Gerald." Arnold shot me a warm, understanding smile. "She has her life now it's time you get yours."

Arnold had a point. For almost four years, I have been pawning over Phoebe as if she were an addiction. The main reason I became so promiscuous was because I wanted to get Phoebe out of my system. I thought that by me sleeping with different women every night I would eventually forget about the love of my life. The messed up part was by me sticking my 'Johanessen' in every woman on campus, it only deepened the desire for her. The women began to all look alike, talk alike, dress alike. Their skin against my skin began to feel more like sandpaper than velvet as months went on. The sex grew mundane and routine. Their names all became unnecessary as their personal attributes became unwanted. Every night that I lay with a different woman, I would think of Phoebe. When they whispered sweet nothings into my ear I would picture Phoebe. During intimacy, I would picture Phoebe. I even called out her name one moment during sex with my chemistry lab partner that she decided it was best she leave. I didn't object either. Just knowing she has a child by another man is heart wrenching enough; but to know she married someone after only knowing him for a little over three years makes my blood boil. Phoebe and I have known each other twelve years. How could we have allowed us to drift apart so quickly in such a short time?

"Gerald?" Arnold questioned, earning a small glance. "You alright? You been staring at the snow for almost five minutes."

"Yeah." I lied, sighing. "I'm cool. I think I'm just going to head back to the dorms early."

"Sure? Want me to come with?"

I shook my head, beginning to pack my belongings and place them in my backpack. Arnold and I originally came here to study for our political-science exam we had next week. Arnold needed some help on the theory of cronyism and I needed to brush up on the Objectivism theory of Ayn Rand. Arnold and I did our signature handshake and I bid him farewell. I knew he wanted to come and keep me company but I honestly just wanted to be alone for a while. I needed time to think, breath, process everything that has been happening these past few weeks. I traveled halfway around the world to try and win back the love of my life, Phoebe Heyerdahl, and turns out she is married with a daughter. The thought did cross my mind as to if the little girl could be mine, but I quickly dismissed it when I did the math. Before Phoebe left, she and I had not had sex in almost two months. If she was pregnant, she would have told me and the little girl would be four, not three. Plus, the picture Helga showed me Phoebe's daughter, Haruhi, proved me wrong as well. Where bouncy, soft black curls should be flowed long, raven pigtails as brown eyes were now green while the soft caramel complexion she would grace is a soft, creamy ivory. I sighed, running a hand through my coiled fro as I walked into the early evening of Japan. I hugged my jacket closer to my frame, my scarf nestling deeper onto my chest to keep the brutal kiss of winter out. I began thinking again. If I was not so caught up in Ariel and truly accepted Phoebe's family, we would still be together and I she would bear my last name as her daughter would be ours. I knew Phoebe's family could never truly accept me for being African-American, but I detested the fact that she never defended her relationship with me. I could deal with the ignorance and bigotry of her folks, just not her spineless persona that made me want to strangle her sometimes because she never spoke her mind. Ariel possessed the qualities Phoebe lacked and I grew infatuated with the idea of having a strong woman; not necessarily with Ariel. Though I loved her, I knew my heart truly rested with Phoebe and what I was doing to Ariel was not only disrespectful, but hurtful.

I thought about taking the train back to the dorm but seeing as how I was not quite acclimated to the Japanese transportation system- let alone Japan itself- I decided to the take the safe route. I took out my wallet, ready to hail a cab back home before I caught sight of a familiar woman with glasses. She was standing on a railing next to an ice-skating rink across the street, smiling at a little girl attempt to spin around on a pair of white, pink bowed skates. My heart began to race, the pounding hitting my ears like an African bass drum as I decided to say hello. I waited for traffic to clear, as well as my mind, before I walked over beside her. I wanted to make sure it was Phoebe first before I spoke; craning my neck behind a tree to see if those turquoise glasses were in fact the ones I grew to love and it was. I felt silly technically 'spying' on Phoebe but I was not exactly prepared to see her again, especially after finding out she was married. I'm sure her husband has at least heard about me, so the last thing I wanted to was cause drama.

Taking a deep breath, I tapped her shoulder. She spun around with immediate alarm that quickly dissipated into small happiness. I gazed at her, grinning. Her short locks she would signature all throughout middle-school and high-school were now cascading down her back. Her oval frames were now rectangular but still in her notorious shade of blue. I noticed she had a fuller bust and wider hips- probably from childbirth- as her clothes hugged her nicely. She wore a pair of denim jeans, a white, turtleneck sweater, and a pink bubble vest with blue mittens and earmuffs. She was as gorgeous as ever, better than I remembered and it ignited a forbidden fire of lust and raw, ravenous carnal energy that I had to subdue. "Hey, Phoebe."

She grinned, pushing a small strand of hair away from her face. "Gerald….I'm surprised you came over to talk to me."

I raised a single brow, interest piqued. "You saw me across the street?"

She nodded, bashful . "Yes. I was going to take Haruhi to get some hot chocolate before we went skating but I saw you and Arnold so I decided it was best if I waited until you both left."

"You know you I would have spoken to you regardless, right?"

She shrugged. "I don't know actually. Our last meeting wasn't exactly picturesque."

"I apologize for leaving the way I did." I paused, thinking of the right words to say. I felt bad immediately after I left the doctor's office, but I couldn't force myself to go back there and face the sudden fact that the only woman I ever truly loved belonged to someone else. I took a small glance at the little girl with wide, green eyes, staring confusedly at me and Phoebe. My heart melted. "Is this…Haruhi?"

Phoebe nodded, clearly beaming. She had a mother's glow that I found to look exceptional on her. "Say hello to my good friend Gerald, Haruhi."

"Hello." She said in broken English. She smiled for added measure and to display two missing bottom teeth. She was precious. "My name is Haruhi."

"Nice to meet you." I smiled, getting to eye-level to shake her gloved hand. "I'm Gerald."

"I know!" she exclaimed happily, almost falling. She sneezed into her gloves before wiping it on her pink elephant sweater. "My mommy talks about you to herself a lot."

"Really now?"

She nodded. "Yes, my daddy doesn't like hearing it though."

"Haruhi!" Phoebe barked, warningly. I looked between Phoebe and her spitting image before giving a small laugh. One thing I loved and also hated about children were that they were sometimes too honest at the most awkward of moments. "Shizukana!"

"But mommy, I just said you talk about him a lot. You do! You always say a lot when daddy isn't home!"

"Shizukana!"

I let out a nervous cough before I turned to bright-red Phoebe. She was mumbling some Japanese under her breath, avoiding looking at me directly. I grabbed her hand. "It's alright; your secret is safe with me."

Phoebe froze for a moment, unsure of how to respond before she snatched her hand away from me and took a step backwards. She cleared her throat. "We better go, huh, Haruhi?"

The little girl began to whine, stomping her blades against the ice angrily. She huffed before crossing her arms. "But we just got here! You promised we could stay longer than last time."

"Haruhi, behave."

The girl screamed. "You promised we could stay because daddy is always too busy to take us anywhere! He's always with that stuffy lady and not us!"

That caught my attention, earning a stare from Phoebe. Her face grew hot as she began trying to console the child. When she took off her mittens, I suddenly noticed Phoebe was not wearing her wedding band or her ring and she wasn't wearing them last time either. I remember Helga vaguely telling Arnold and I that although Phoebe is married, it was not to be assumed she was happily married. I didn't realize what that meant. I know Phoebe married rather young and had a baby at an early age, but I figured it was because she found something in a guy that she could not get from me personally. I began to wonder if Phoebe's husband was committing adultery and neglecting his family. The mere thought made me grow irate, almost wanting to punch something or someone in particular. My father had an affair on my mother when back during my P.S.118 years. I would often see him with some woman he said he 'worked' with a lot and he would often tell me and Jaime-O not to tell our mother that he would be going out with this woman on long periods on end. Jaime-O was the first to suspect something when he noticed his secret condom stash was occasionally running low. He did not suspect me because I was still rather young and only thought of my father because it was not the first time our father asked to borrow protection from him. The night we caught him was the evening Jaime-O was supposed to use our father's car to drive me to the airport for the class trip to San Lorenzo. In the backseat was my father getting a blowjob from the mystery woman, eyes glued shut as his palms guided her head underneath the cloak of night. He caught a glimpse of Jaime-O and I starring before we dashed back into the house. When he entered, he gave us a silent command to keep the incident between the men and only and to never tell our mother. Since then, I kept my mouth shut but always subconsciously figured infidelity was the norm since my father was the one who introduced the idea to me. Jaime-O has not been able to keep a steady girlfriend since Keisha and I have been studding myself before and after Phoebe. It wasn't until I saw the hurt in Phoebe's eyes when I told her about my night with Ariel one afternoon after a fight that I knew what I was doing was wrong.

I clenched a fist, gritting my teeth. "What do you mean stuffy lady?"

"It's none of your concern, Gerald." Phoebe snapped, snatching Haruhi from the ice before she ordered her to switch her skates for her snow boots. "My marriage is my marriage."

"I'm just concerned, Phoebe."

"Well don't be. I have gotten used to this behavior." She immediately covered her mouth, cursing slightly. "Look, I better go. It was nice seeing you."

I reached out for her hand, yanking her closer to me. She squeaked as she landed against my chest, breasts pushed against my jacket as her doe eyes were glazed over with hidden tears. I resisted the urge to kiss her. "Phoebe, don't run away from me."

"Gerald…"

"Is he cheating on you?"

"Gerald…"

"Is he Phoebe?"

"Gerald!" she roared, pushing away from me. "Stop it! Stop acting like you give a care. I'm used to infidelity, alright? I was cheated on by you so what makes Kato any different?"

I grew silent, almost lifeless upon hearing that. I bit my bottom lip, unsure of what to say next. I knew I hurt Phoebe but I never realized how deep the wounds truly were. Tonight I was made aware. "Phoebe…"

"Just stop it, right now! My marriage is my concern so please respectfully just allow me to live my life as I choose to live it."

"But are you happy?"

"Happiness is relative, Gerald. It doesn't matter how I feel, as long as Kato brings in the money to support and feed his family. He can screw any woman he wants as long as he just comes home at night."

I watched Phoebe slowly begin to break down, fighting those glazed over tears. Haruhi sat on a nearby bench silent, looking at her skates move gently with the mid-winter breeze. I reached out to touch her but she violently pulled away, jerking her shoulder. She turned her back on me and raced towards Haruhi, saying something in her mother tongue before turning to face me. "It was nice seeing you, Gerald; but I need to get Haruhi home. She has history homework."

"Did you want me to hitch you a cab?" I offered, practically pleading. "I have plenty of funds. I'm not sure how to work the yen system but I can give you whatever you need."

She shook her head, grabbing Haruhi' hand. "I appreciate the gesture but it won't be necessary. Haruhi and I will just take the bullet train."

I stood by as I watched Phoebe begin to walk off with Haruhi into the distance before I called out to her. She turned around slowly, careful to not look directly at me. I never seen Phoebe look and feel this…defeated. "What are you doing Sunday? It's the only day that everyone is free. No school for either of us and I don't have to work. Are you free?"

"Why?"

"I thought maybe I could take you and Haruhi out for an afternoon. It's this winter carnival they are hosting on campus and I thought it would be nice if you and Haruhi would attend."

I watched the little girl's eyes light up at the word 'carnival', a huge smile curving upon her lips. She bagn jumping up and down. "Oh, mommy, can we?"

"I don't know…"

"I'll pay for everything; the food, the rides, the games, just show up and I'll take care of it all."

"Do you have enough money for that, Gerald?" She asked, genuinely concerned. "I am capable of paying for myself and Haruhi."

"I'm sure you can but I want to." I insisted, stepping closer to the two. "Just allow me this opportunity to show you two a good time."

"Mommy, can we go?!"

"Haruhi!" Phoebe pleaded, looking down at the hyperactive three-year old. "Please."

I smiled. "See, Haruhi is down for it. How about 'mommy'?"

She stared at me for a long time before answering. She drew in a sharp breath, nodding her head. Haruhi began jumping up and down before ecstatically clapping her hands like a baby seal. I gave Phoebe the flyer concerning the carnival I had in my backpack before I programmed my number into her cellphone. She was hesitant at first to take it but I insisted, saying that it could be purely for emergency purposes only if need be. I gave Haruhi a high-five before embracing Phoebe in a final hug, embracing her tightly as I took in a whiff of her perfume. I did not want to let her go. She turned to wave goodbye as she and Haruhi began to wonder off towards the train platform a few yards away from the rink. I stood there, watching their shadows for a while before I hailed myself a cab to head home. All I could think about was Phoebe and Haruhi. I never seen Phoebe looked so…lifeless in her eyes. Just by touching her I could feel she was not as warm and chirpy as she normally would have been. Phoebe used to radiate happiness and cheerfulness. Now, she is a shell of her former self. Her glowing skin is now much paler than usual, she had bags under her eyelids, and her spirit had been shattered along with her fragile heart. I felt a wave of guilt begin to wash over me as I entered the cab, clutching my heart as I ordered the driver in the right direction. I was the first relationship Phoebe ever experienced, and I ruined the opportunity I had with her by my own insatiable desires. I felt myself become queasy at the thought. Phoebe was no longer the young girl I grew up with, but now a scorned, bitter woman. How could I do that to someone I loved, cared for more than life itself? I forced myself to not dwell on the negatives and focus on the more positive side. I had my first date with Phoebe in over three years and I was not going to screw this up. I was never a believer in fate or destiny, let alone second chances at love…until now.