I really do hate my brother sometimes. It's been two weeks since he promised to fix my laptop. He's like, amazing with computers, and told me that if I wanted it done quicker I would have to pay him. Like hell I didn't- we're family! Anyway, I typed this up on the slow computer that I hate again. I hate this computer. It blows.
And to the people who believe this story is going too slowly, I don't really think it is. I was planning on making this a long story anyway. =-)
Anyway, I'm jabbering on now, please enjoy this chapter and review, I made this extra long just for you guys! Xx
My eyes stare down into my mass of popcorn as Rachel and I walk up the slope of the cinema screen together. She's muttering under her breath about Brady being 'a total toothpick'. I welcome her anger for some reason. I need someone to fume with, someone who understands my feelings. But not even I understand my feelings right now. They're mixed like a witch's potion, some fuming for days, others newly found.
I let Rachel pick which seats we go in for once. We normally bicker for a few seconds over which seats in the middle to sit in. We both don't want people sitting next to us- not because we don't like people or anything, but because they usually turn out to smell hideous or have verbal diarrhea. No, we usually sit somewhere where no-one will sit next to us, like sitting one seat away from some other people, with an empty seat on the other side of us too. No one sits by themselves next to us that way. Smart, isn't it?
But this time, I don't even bother to look around for better seats. I guess you can say that I'm trusting her with a great privilege. I'm determined to enjoy tonight though, even after seeing Brady. I want to watch the movie, drink too much Coke, and throw popcorn down Rachel's top. That's a fun night.
"Right, now the fun really starts. We're going to, wait for it... turn off our mobiles before the annoying attendants yell at us," Rachel says with sarcastic amusement, reaching into her bag for her phone.
I smile at her, then manage to a little more.
"Like last time?"
"Eh, excuse me, you were the one who told him to stop bothering us and annoy someone else," she stares at me pointedly, a smirk on her lips. "The poor guy didn't know what to- oh, fuck," her eyes suddenly grow wide with shock then narrow into slits at the bottom of the steps.
"What?" a feeling of dread comes over me. I can tell exactly who's just walked in, but I just don't want to believe it. My eyes frown at Rachel in more fear than confusion, then somehow move themselves over to where she's glaring.
It's Brady, of course. But he's just standing there, staring at me. Gazing like I'm the thing he desires the most, which is completely impossible.
I push away the longing that I feel as our eyes stare into each others. Even from this distance away, I can easily make out the same feeling of longing contained in his eyes, perhaps even more. Sam is standing behind him, hand on his shoulder and urgently moving his lips as if begging for him to leave. This must be a set-up.
I wrench my eyes away from Brady's. You have no idea how hard that is to do. Turning my back on him felt like turning my back on my feelings for him. Why does this have to happen to me? Of all the evil people in the world, why does this have to happen to someone like me? Me who's never done anything to hurt anybody in their life.
He's in to see the same movie. This is just fantastic. Just. Fantastic.
I gulp, trying to not look back at Brady. I stare at the blue fabric cinema seats in front of us, focusing on the stray threads and the slightly tatty color instead of the guy I had used to swoon over.
"Just ignore him," Rachel says, sounding optimistic. Doesn't she realize that I'm already doing that?
I take a few deep breaths, trying to convince myself that this isn't a big deal. I can cope with this. I can. Hopefully. Oh please God let me be able to handle this efficiently.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice that Brady's rushing up the steps. For a fearful second I think he's running towards me, but he passes by our aisle. Sam looks flustered and worried, running a hand through his dark hair. His eyes roll, then he too runs up the stairs, shooting me a look. As for me, I try not to see where they sit. Rachel looks angry. Non-stop glaring on her part.
It's fair to say that I can't concentrate on the movie.
I feel claustrophobic. Just knowing that he's in the room with me is forcing my heart to go into a fit. The actors and actresses on the screen just talk babble- I don't pay attention to the sounds coming from their lips. There is no popcorn in Rachel's top right now, which is strange. She doesn't say anything though, just watches the movie while throwing her Skittles into her mouth.
I'm also restless like a hyperactive five-year old. My fingers constantly tap the armrests as if they want to run away from me. My butt keeps shifting in my seat, making my body move with it.
Oh god, oh god, oh god. I've never been this uncomfortable in my life.
This film is one of the new ones which has a break included in it. When it finally comes along, I know what I want to do. Even though there's a risk Brady might follow me, I need out. I just feel so trapped in here, with the too-warm air so filled with thick tension. I need to get out of here right now.
As soon as the lights go on, I say to Rachel;
"Bathroom?"
Before even waiting for her reply, which probably would've been 'you need to pee already?', I've jumped up and, very conscious of the way I'm walking, run down the slope to the double doors. I try not to look behind me to see if Brady's following.
On the other side of the double doors, I feel I can breathe again. For a second I just stand here, eyes closed, taking a breath. Down the hall to my left, that's leading off the the right which I can't see from here, I can hear the sounds of laughter and tills ringing from purchases. Then I realize that I need to get moving, just in case.
I hurry down the hallway, aiming for the bathroom.
After a few moments of uninterrupted bliss away from that claustrophobic room, I hear dreaded thumps coming from behind me. I don't want to look around, I really don't, but somehow I have to.
It's Brady, chasing after me with a sad and hopeful expression on his face.
I can feel the fearful expression on my face spread to my eyes. I hurriedly turn around, now scared. As I reach the end of the hallway, partly in the center of the room, I see so many people laughing in that room that in that moment, I'm sick of running.
"Look, what do you want?" I turn round and ask him helplessly. I'm tired of running from him, and I need to know his answer to get to sleep tonight. It'll pester me to no end if I have no idea what he wants from me.
His breath seems to catch at my hurt and helpless face. Words stick in his throat, and his Adam's apple bobs up and down a bit. Sam comes to a halt behind Brady. His eyes aren't on me though. Instead they're focused on Brady's face, as if wanting him to explain himself and take control of the situation.
"I just-" Brady manages to croak out, but stops. He averts his eyes from me, and in that second I feel like I can breathe again, but then they focus on me with the exact same expression on his face that was on mine. Where on Earth is Rachel?
"Look, Kayla, I swear to you that Brady doesn't want to hurt you. He's changed in ways that you'll possibly never believe. You can trust me one-hundred percent on that," Sam says to me urgently when it becomes apparent that Brady isn't able to speak. I look at him, my big brown eyes helpless, and realize something- Sam's voice sounds as if he's a dad. Like the dad I never had, and will never have. Like someone who cares.
And in that moment, I do trust him. For reasons I can't explain. It didn't really make sense in the first place why Sam would be in cahoots with Brady. He's just... too nice. As is Emily. Even having just met them a few days ago, I can just tell that they'll make wonderful parents one day- showering their child with the love that it deserves.
As I look Sam in the eyes, though, I can see nothing but complete truth and earnest warmth; but I'm confused by that truth. My heart throbs again in something like fear at the real reason why Brady has been trying to see me so badly. Not in fear of Brady, but in fact of what he's going to say. It's like waiting for something for so long that you've forgotten everything else, then when it finally comes along, you feel scared out of your mind.
With no warning, I suddenly think of how shit my life is at this exact moment. The lowest of the low.
I look at Brady again, confused and slightly scared. I wasn't expecting this to happen when I woke up this morning. This being a bizarre and scary situation that's making me want to crawl under my duvet and stay there.
"You and Brady need to talk. But not here," he continued, glancing at the few employees at the popcorn stands that are watching us. They hastily avert their eyes at his gaze and hurry on with their work.
Brady won't stop looking at me. I'm not looking at him, instead my eyes are concentrated on the ground and I have my arms crossed across my chest. Nobody speaks for a second. I can tell that Sam is staring at us both.
I can't take it anymore, I have to look at him. I lift my eyes in confusion and helplessness again. The same electric shock runs through me as before, and I hate myself for it. His puppy eyes seem to provoke my body to tingle and for warmth to rush through me. He's staring at me with longing and a hint of... determination? There's something else in his eyes that I don't even want to recognize, but feel I have to: a fierce longing.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Rachel exiting the screen with a confused and angry expression on her face, slamming the double doors behind her and running down the slopping corridor to me.
"That attendant guy stopped me from getting out, so I told him you were terminally ill just to get here. Now, what the hell is going on here?" she says to me in a rushed and angry tone, then glaring at both Brady and Sam with her hands on her hips.
"Nothing, we were just leaving. Brady," Sam said, barely glancing at her. His last word is filled with command and directed firmly at Brady. He places a hand on his shoulder.
Brady doesn't move, he just stares at me with an expression I can't read.
I desperately want to look away, but I can't. I no longer feel angry, just sadness and hurt for all that has passed between us. None of this would have happened in the first place if it weren't for Chloe- I'm certain. His eyes are like pools of sadness, sweeping my down underneath the waves. His mouth opens and closes a few times- I don't know if he's trying to take in breaths or say something- and I have no idea how to escape his eyes. When I finally feel tears come into my eyes, I manage to tear my eyes away to the bottom of the wall behind Rachel. I can feel everyone looking at me. All in different ways: Rachel concerned, Sam in concentration, and Brady in... well, I still have no idea.
Oh, what I'd give for a hug from Jordan right now. Just to be away from this situation for a second, and be in our new house with a huge mug of hot chocolate and watching a crappy movie. Why does my life have to be this shit?
Distantly, I feel Rachel's hand on my arm, squeezing me comfortingly. Sam put his hands on Brady's shoulders and leads him out of the cinema. Brady's gaze doesn't waver as he gets led away, looking angry that Sam is taking him away.
There's a silence when Rachel and I are the only two left.
"Come on, we're missing the movie," Rachel squeezes my arm sympathetically and leads me, helpless and confused, back to the cinema screen.
{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}
The next day, I'm sitting on the couch of the Orphanage's living room. I have that famous worried look on me: one hand's fingers on my mouth, knees drawn up to my chest, my back against the corner of the couch and worried eyes focusing on nothing in particular in the room.
I'm waiting for Jordan to come round again. He's staying at a hotel for a few days until he gets all the paperwork for our new house done and makes sure the house is okay when the previous owners have properly left. I whined at him for that, but he'd said that staying at the Orphanage with me would be too weird for him. Can't really blame him, I guess. All the kids around would freak me out if I weren't staying here already.
I can hear the children giggling and some screeching from here, but I'm too worried about my own issues for once to move and help out with them. I keep thinking Brady will pop up at any minute. What did Sam mean last night? Is he going to suddenly pop up one day, with Brady, and have a conversation with me? Oh god, I'm hoping that isn't what he's going to do. I might be in my pajamas. What is there even to talk about anyway, why do we even need to talk? They're hiding something, I know it. I can't find a reason for Brady and I to talk about anything, so what on Earth is going on?
Rachel and I didn't talk about what had happened with Brady when we got back to the cinema screen. She seemed to pick up on my feelings of detachment. I wasn't able to concentrate on the movie again. I'd been too busy playing back everything that was said just a few minutes before in my head. I had wanted Brady not to ruin my evening, but however hard I tried, that's what he ended up doing anyway.
So now, I'm stuck on this sofa with my troubling thoughts. I'm trying to break through the wall of worry in my head and plan out the words I'm going to use to explain what happened last night to Jordan. Hopefully he won't get mad and run off to have a 'little word' with Sam or Brady. When I last talked about Sam to Jordan, I had conveyed him as a hero. Now I'd reluctantly be talking about him with confusion tainting my voice instead of gratefulness. I get worried when I talk to Jordan about things that have upset me. Whether it be talking about the things our father had done to me, or simply a friend who said something wrong, Jordan will always want to go round and tell them off.
On some level, I'm grateful for that. Having someone who cares that much to do that, and perhaps even make a fool of themselves for me. But today, instead of feeling that usual rush of warmth when Jordan wants to protect me, I just feel worry that he'll make the situation worse. I guess the only thing I can do about that is hope and plead to God that Jordan will understand. Understand what, I still don't know myself. In fact, I don't understand anything of what's been going on lately.
When someone knocks uncertainly at the door, I look over to see the person, or rather people, who've just stepped into the room with my expression not changing.
It's Jessie, one of the part-time supervisors of the Orphanage. Her anxious eyes crinkle slightly at the corners as she smiles at me. With her frumpy plain clothes, slightly flabby thirty-something body and messed up hair, she looks like a typical person to be working in an Orphanage. In her arms, she's holding Alex, dressed in his adorable baby blue teddy bear shirt, tiny denim jeans, and baby blue socks. I know it's him even though I can't see his face, which is directed over Jessie's shoulder.
"He's being grumpy, I think it's because he wants to see you. Do you mind? If you don't want to, I'm sure I can get him down for a nap," she asks, rearranging Alex in her arms. Not likely. When Alex is grumpy, he's grumpy.
"Yeah, sure, I want a cuddle," I smile, a little distractedly, but I do suddenly want a cuddle. I hold out my arms for him.
Jessie smiles somewhat gratefully, and hands him over to me carefully. He's very warm, probably due to all the grumbling he's been doing. I smile as I look down at his baby head. Somehow, he always makes me feel a little better. Maybe it's because I have to take care of him instead of worrying over other things. Responsibility does change people, I guess.
Once I have him settled on my lap and Jessie has left, he shoots me a big almost-toothless smile. I grin and coo at him, kissing his forehead and breathing in his calming warm baby scent.
He snuggles himself down into my right arm, his back against the inside of my elbow. I take hold of one of his tiny feet and play with I, cooing at him again. God, he's just so cute! He giggles and squeals. It's soothing to hold him actually- he's like a comfort to me with his soft baby skin and baby-smelling head.
After putting The Simpsons on TV- the only thing on that doesn't have swearing in it-, it's just Alex and I sitting here having some quality time together. I don't want him to ever grow up. He should stay a baby forever. I know that can't happen, but I can wish.
All is good until the doorbell rings. Neither Alex nor myself react until one of the supervisors yells through the sitting room to me.
"Kayla, can you get that please?"
"Yeah," I yell back, not too loud for Alex.
I sigh shakily. It's too early to be Jordan, and there's a risk that it could be Brady or Sam. But I don't have a choice. No one in the Orphanage will understand, and if it isn't Brady or Sam I'll look like a complete idiot. I have no other option than to take Alex with me to answer the door- he might crawl and fall off the couch, and I can't risk that.
So, clasping Alex and hugging him close in my wariness, I answer the door.
Being nervous about something doesn't prepare you for it. Not in any way. And that's how I feel when I pull open the door and see who's standing there with a serious expression on his face- disappointed that I'm not prepared for talking to him. I have no idea why I'm even nervous, but I can feel it in my heart that there's something to be nervous about.
It's not Brady, thankfully. But it's Sam.
I have so many questions to ask him: what is he doing with Brady? What did he mean last night, about me maybe never understanding how much Brady has changed?
But I can't ask them when I've just opened the door. That would freak anybody out.
Sam's expression resembles one of a person trying to solve a difficult math problem. Frowning, mouth serious, arms over chest, and body held high.
I gulp, hugging Alex tighter to me. He's completely oblivious of my uneasiness, gurgling and waving his arms happily like babies do. I keep my eyes on Sam's, wary of what he's going to say. All I seem to do these days is worry. I'm surprised that I haven't got an anxiety disorder yet. My heart is, obviously, beating a lot faster than usual. But it isn't in the same way that it was when I look at Brady. No, this is just plain nervousness and worry. A more familiar feeling to me.
"Kayla, I know you must have a lot of questions, but right now isn't the time. You and Brady need to talk. Normally I wouldn't butt into other peoples' business, but you two are evidently not the best at taking control of a situation."
I don't bother to correct him. Normally I'm quite good at taking control of a situation. But Brady does something to me that I don't understand...
"So I'd like it if you came round to my house tonight at six. Brady will be there. And I know you're nervous about talking to him, but you need to know that Brady doesn't want to hurt you in any way. And I also know that you're wondering what on Earth you need to actually talk to him about, but trust me, he has a lot of explaining to do," Sam continues authoritatively.
I don't know what to say. I stand here, holding a baby, with my mouth open like a goldfish and trying to find words to say. He basically told me last night that Brady and I need to talk, but as I said before, I'm not prepared in the slightest.
A sympathetic look passes over Sam's face, and he steps closer to me on the doorstep.
"Kayla, I know you're not understanding anything right now, but I need you to trust me on this. And I know that you don't know me, but I think in your heart you know that this is what you have to do."
He's right. Somehow, he's right.
There's a hidden part of me that is somehow urging me to go tonight, as if the things Brady needs to say are extremely important. I can't ignore it. And I want to understand what's going on, and why Brady is acting this strangely around me. Shouldn't he have just laughed everything off? I'm just a silly girl with a crush. And he probably knows by now that Chloe was my friend, but why should he care and react this way?
"Please come," Sam says urgently. "I'll stay with you all the time you're round there if it makes you feel more comfortable."
He smiles down at Alex, who's turned his head round to smile at him. I'm still too stunned to speak. Too stunned to make sense of how Sam knows exactly how I'm feeling.
Sam's hand reaches out and taps Alex lightly on his nose. The baby giggles. Sam looks back up at me, beginning to step away from the door.
"Please come," he repeats before giving me a sympathetic yet serious smile and walking away into the woods.