To the anonymous reviewer who said that I don't update fast enough, I'm trying my best. I've started college and my birthday's just passed so this chapter has taken a bit longer. And besides, some people here on Fanfiction don't update for months and I'm trying my absolute best to update as fast as I can. And my home life is terrible right now, so this chapter has taken a bit longer than usual.
Anyway, that aside, here's the next chapter and thank you so much for all the reviews! I can't believe we're over three hundred eeeek! It's too amazing to believe! Xx
The next day I simply don't know what to do with myself. Thank god that yesterday and today are in-service days at school- if I had to go into school feeling like this I would feel ten times worse. Part of me wants to cry in pure anger, another wants to curl up on the couch and forget about all this. Of all the scenarios I'd played out in my head about how that conversation would go, that was not how I'd expected to end things. When I'd gotten back into the car with Jordan, I didn't even have to say anything for him to give me a massive cuddle. I was too angry to really appreciate that at the time.
To be sincerely honest, I really don't know what to feel. Exhaustion, maybe? But whatever I feel, I can't seem to show it.
Over the past few hours I've forced myself to get used to the thought of finally getting over Brady. I'll have to if I want to move on with my life. I hate that I still have feelings for him. The easiest way to try and get over him is to start dating someone else, but can I do that? I know that Jordan would say that it wouldn't- as being the protective older brother he is, automatically thinks no-one will be good enough. Rachel would say that boys are idiots and I should date her instead. And besides, no guy in this town will date me because of the whole abandoned-mother and jailed-father topics of interest. In their eyes I'm broken and needy- which I, in fact, are not.
I doubt the populars, like Brady, even know that my father's in prison. They never had any time for gossip about classmates like me. The police made both myself and Jordan sign a privacy agreement so that the police can't tell anyone why my father is in prison. So that's one thing I don't have to worry about. Mind you, maybe Chloe told him while she had her hand down his pants. I wouldn't put it past her.
So right now I'm sitting on my bed with Alex in my lap. As he plays with his little plastic tractor, I keep my arms around him in a hug while I stare at the plain wall opposite us. Why am I staring at the wall? I don't even know myself.
The doorbell rings. I sit, frozen, waiting to hear someone's heels on the hardwood floor heading towards the door. But there's nothing.
I sigh, standing up and taking Alex with me. He settles himself into my neck.
"Come on, honey," I say as we walk down the stairs. Please be the postman, please be the postman...
My hand closes around the lock and I twist.
If answered prayers are shared across the World, then I'm clearly not getting my fair share. For at the the door, dressed in a simple white shirt and blue jeans, is Brady.
I'm not as shocked as I had been when Sam suddenly appeared on my doorstep, but I can't help feeling my heart suddenly beat faster in my chest with something as well as shock. I stare at him and he stares back, breathing suddenly laboring. His hands move as if he's going to start talking, but no words come out of his mouth. I don't know what to say. Had I been expecting this?
His eyes go down to Alex, whose hands are also moving as if Brady has pressed an activation button. I shimmy him closer to me, watching Brady warily.
Brady's eyes lock with mine again while he simultaneously gulps. There are slight shadows under his eyes. For the first time, I can't help but notice that he has golden flecks in his irises. It makes his eyes look deep and ignited, like a magical firework display at a beach.
Stop noticing the color of his eyes, you idiot, you hate him and he hates you- my mind scowls. But I can't take my eyes away from him.
"I came... to talk to you."
Now it's my turn to gulp. I don't know where to put my eyes. His abs? His feet? His crotch? No, don't think about his crotch! And in my confusion, wariness and awkwardness, I somehow mumble 'come in' while barely looking at him.
As soon as he steps past me and into the Orphanage, his eyes immediately begin observing the inside of the Orphanage. I shut the door, looking over my shoulder warily as he mysteriously inspects. What is he doing and why is he doing it?
While I watch, his eyes become broody, interested and concentrated- almost as if he's evaluating every single centimeter of the surroundings.
"Through here," I say, pointing at the already opened door of the empty waiting room. I don't want to take him to my room. There's still such a large chance that he might tell all his friends about what it's like here. I don't want to take any more risks than I already have with him.
Brady walks into the room while continuing his close inspection. I close the door with one slightly shaking hand. I give Alex one more hug- more to comfort myself than him- and walk over to the small crib to lay him down in. As I make my way over to the crib though, I start feeling all tingly and electric being in a closer proximity to Brady as the crib is right next to him. Somebody kill me. Please. Right now.
I can tell Brady is watching me. I raise myself back up and try to look determined as I cross my arms while facing him- I'm pretty sure it's not working.
"I want to say I'm sorry about yesterday. It didn't go... exactly well. I know I was making you uncomfortable with all the questions, and I'm sorry for being too probing, but I really want to know you," he says in a huge rush after a second of silent awkwardness.
I don't say anything, just try to, unsuccessfully, keep my eyes unwaveringly on him.
"So I wanted to invite you to something, so you don't have to feel uneasy around me at school or anything."
I'm instantly on edge. Most predictably, like an idiot I'll show up and he and his friends play a massive 'she's so thick' prank on me. I've been down that road a few times- I'm not falling for it. Especially not from Brady.
I can feel my eyebrows go into a wary and suspicious frown. He hurriedly carries on,
"You can take a friend, if you want. I mean, if it makes you more comfortable." Oh God, save me from the adorably worried look on his face.
Shut up, hormonal thoughts. Rachel will have to come with me. She's the only friend I can trust not to go shooting her mouth off if something goes wrong.
"Why are you doing this: apparently wanting to know me? Is it to play mind games with me so you can tell all your friends?" I blurt out all at once. Way to be cool Kayla...
The look on his face is aghast and serious. Brady's eyes widen even more and he takes a step closer. I immediately take a step back.
He stops while staring into my eyes.
"I promise I'll tell you soon Kayla, at this bonfire. I hate you being so upset," he takes a deep breath while I do too, shocked and suspicious. "It's this Friday on the reservation in the woods at seven. You'll see it quite clearly. Everyone there aren't the people I hung around with at school Kayla, so no-one's going to make fun of you or play pranks. And Sam and Emily will be there, I hope that makes you happier," he continues. He, himself, doesn't seem to like the fact that I would feel more comfortable around Emily and Sam- I can see it in his eyes.
For the next few seconds, we just stare at each other. Me, wondering how on Earth I got myself into this situation, and him watching me as if he'd been wanting to for a long time.
"I'm sorry about everything." Brady takes a step forward and I somehow don't step back this time. "I really wish this could have happened a different way," he says slowly and quietly. His words are separated slightly by his breathing. Is it being close to me? My heart beats faster. It'll fall out of my chest soon, I know it.
Frowning slightly, finally taking in his words as I can feel his breath on me- oh God, even that feels nice. Stop torturing me!
"What do you mean?" I can tell my breath hits him too, and for a second he closes his eyes. He's so close to me right now.
A small and short smile appears on his lips.
"I'll tell you soon."
As if reluctantly, he turns away from me. I can't help watching his back with confusion and something else on my face. I don't know how I feel right now. Even if you paid me a million dollars, I could never figure it out in my current stunned state.
At the door, Brady turns round, almost as if he needs to see my face just one more time. Which is just too weird and absurd to think.
"Please come to the bonfire on Friday. And I- I promise I'll never hurt you," he says the last sentences fiercely, as if the idea is a horrid one.
When he's left, I blink and frown at the ground. Alex is sleeping in the crib.
At least someone in the room's mind is at peace.
{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}
Two days later, and it's time to go back to the jungle. By the jungle I mean the place I've been dreading to go for the past long weekend- school. Somehow I feel a little better about going back than I though I would. Have I suddenly become so depressed that my feelings have turned foggy? I can't tell, but I don't think I'm depressed.
Either way I'm glad by my sudden confidence.
I throw my keys in my messenger bag that's sitting on my bed and hoist the strap onto my shoulder. One of the baby girls, Kimmy, is sitting on the bed looking up at me with a pink dummy in her mouth. How could my mother leave me when I was one of these?
I gaze down at her for a comforting moment, smiling, and pick her up. She'd been having a little party of her own playing with her dinky plastic cups, but now I have to put her back in her crib downstairs before going to the dreaded school.
I take deep breaths as we walk down the stairs, dressed completely in my school gear. Kimmy cuddles into my short purple jacket. I would so much rather stay here with the babies than go to school, but I'm not going to give up my education because I'm afraid of confrontation. No way.
Once Kimmy is securely in her cot in the play room, I look around for Alex. I find him sitting alone in his vibrating rocking chair, grin as wide as a Cheshire cat. I give him a big sloppy kill and a cuddle for good luck- for me, of course- and brace myself as I walk toward the door. Suddenly my stomach feels constricted as I feel like I'm about to be sick. I yank my hood up with a suddenly shaky hand and start my very rainy walk to school.
When I get there, I'm wet with rain despite my sensible choice of coat and suddenly very aware of my tongue. A big lump has situated itself in my throat like a stubborn lodger who won't pay rent. I seem to no longer be scared of school and the teenagers inside it who want to poke fun at me. Instead, I'm more nervous. Like a first day at school.
On another level, I'm also surprisingly not too bothered by the stares I'm provoking as I make my way to the front door. I keep my eyes down under my hood, this time not in shame and embarrassment, and walk on. My stomach still churns like it's making butter all the way inside, though. I suppose I can't expect all the worry and fear go away.
Without looking at the lady on reception, I squelch my way along the blue carpeted floor to the actual school entrance. Hopefully no-one will be waiting on the other side of the wall to ambush me...
I guess you're wondering how I'm magically acting so aloof. I'm wondering how too, but I'm strangely proud of myself for keeping it up so far. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that I can somehow keep it up all day. Not particularly likely, but a girl can dream right?
Once I'm through the doors and hear them click back into place behind me, I take in a shaky breath. That's until I notice a comforting and familiar face scowling at a locker that obviously won't open. My stomach, for a second, suddenly feels as if a massive belt has been loosened. A small wave of happiness, surprising considering the circumstances, runs through my bloodstream as she rushes to hug me.
Rachel's blonde hair is fluffy and tired-looking due to the pouring rain outside, contrasting massively with the cheesy grin on her face.
"You came!" she clasps me as if I were dying. Dressed in beige cut-offs and a black shirt decorated with multi-color skulls, it's strange that right now I'm seeing her as a ray of hope. I've definitely gone mad.
She pulls back, smiling from ear to ear.
"I sort of expected you to take the day off again today."
I make a face.
"No, because that would mean I'm letting Brady and Chloe win. And you know I like to win. By the way," I dart glances down the corridor to make sure no-one's in earshot and take anxious deep breaths, "I need you to do something for me."
"You know I'll do anything for you babe," Rachel purrs. I whack her arm and can't help smiling a little in my anxious state. Rachel never changes. She's not a lesbian, but she loves to tease. It's weird.
And sometimes a little scary. But that's Rachel...
"Brady came round yesterday, and he says he wants me to come to this bonfire thing," we start walking down the corridor as I explain.
Rachel's eyes widen and narrow.
"Are you going to go? He might be, you know, pranking you-" I cut her off.
"That's the thing, he also said I could take a friend with me. And then I thought, 'why would he ask me to take a friend if he was going to prank me, it would be better if I was alone'," I ramble nervously.
"And you're asking me to come with you," Rachel clarifies, giving me a look.
"Yes, that a problem? You can roast marshmallows?" I blink pleadingly. I'm suddenly terrified that she'll say no. If she says no then I'll... wait, do I want to go to this thing? No, that's stupid, I don't want to go to this thing.
"Yeah, I'll come, but I won't talk to Brady. I heard a whole bunch of them in the reservation go down there and have a bonfire every now and then, it's strange," she gazes off into the distance.
I wish I could let my mind wander, but I simply can't. My thoughts are filled with too much anxiousness to really let myself relax. It's such a pity- I had gotten off to a great start, too.
The first few classes go by without much drama, thank Heavens. I was sort of expecting that they would be. First I had Chemistry, then Maths. I attracted a few stares, not good ones, which of course made blush furiously, but other than that nobody really spoke to me. And neither Brady nor Chloe were in those classes.
Now, however, after a slightly confidence boosting breaktime with Rachel, we're making our way to English. Brady's in that class. Brady and his tall body and perfect face... and his friends. Oh god, his friends. I completely forgot about his friends!
My heart literally stops for a second in the corridor with students walking and laughing around me. Everything suddenly goes blurry for a second, and I can only think for myself- which is something I don't do often. Don't think about it, don't think about it. If you start thinking and worrying about it then you won't stop...
So instead of worrying myself to death, I take the plunge and walk into the English classroom ahead of a suddenly confused looking Rachel.
I walk into my seat- yes, walk into my seat, I nearly trip over it- and don't look around me until Rachel is sitting next to me. The class is barely filled, and Brady isn't in yet. I let out a long breath of relief and wrap my coat around my chair.
"Have you noticed that Brady isn't hanging round the populars much?" Rachel takes out her pen and looks and me pointedly.
I blink, wide-eyed. I suppose I had noticed actually- on the night of the party none of the populars restrained Brady, it was Embry. Same goes for the first time I came back to school and went home before English- Embry had been speaking with him then too against the lockers. He's not been the same since he took those two weeks off school a while ago. I know I shouldn't be bothered anymore, but I can't help wondering what's wrong with him. He's acting this way around me, and I want him to stop, but he's acting differently around his friends too. Do I still believe this is a prank? It's so hard to tell.
"I saw the populars in town yesterday and Brady wasn't with them, I thought it was strange," she shrugs, patting my hand.
I don't reply and face the front. I'm watching the teacher fluster around so much that I don't notice Brady come through the door. My heart starts beating wildly and I'm not even looking at him. Embry is behind him- I forgot he's in this class. It seems as if Brady walked in like I did, taking the plunge, but he looks so much more happy about it. My eyes flick onto his.
Oh God, this is going to be harder than I thought it would be. The second he sees me it feels like he's ripping inside me and seeing my soul. I'm not sure I like it. I've grown up around people who don't know me and it's still difficult to trust people- I'm not ready for my soul to be bared by just a look. And it bloody terrifies me. So I look away toward Rachel.
I know I look awkward as I try and seem as small as possible. Out of the corner of my eye I see Embry practically drag Brady to sit next to him at the side of the room. Still close to me. That's even stranger, what the hell is going on with Brady and his friends? He's not sitting next to them anymore? It just doesn't make sense anymore!