A/N: "Girl Talk: Erotic Asphyxiation" rated K+ or T? For... I have no idea, it's not that bad? I'll admit that this isn't my best work but I really wanted to write a spit take. Yes, I like stupid things.
Warning: Erotic Asphyxiation- it's a thing (although is nothing like what is in this fanfic)! Don't do it, it can be dangerous.
"I'm not sure he'd really want me talking about it," Orihime said and fingered the rim of her tea cup nervously. "I mean, it's kind of..." she raised an eyebrow, "private?"
"Yes," Yoruichi said calmly. "You're right of course."
"And that's exactly what girl talk is for," Rukia finished, setting down her own cup primly.
"But I'm not sure exactly what you mean by 'does he have any weird kinks.' Like... in his muscles? S-sometimes his back gets... tight?"
"No, Orihime," Rukia said carefully, "she meant, like... does he have any weird habits. You know, in bed."
"Oh! Yes," Orihime nodded. "Yes, he does."
Yoruichi rubbed her hands together in anticipation.
"He reads, y'know, if we're not doing anything else. Sometimes he stays up and reads really late."
"Oh... um, I don't think..."
"I mean sex, Orihime," Yoruichi said flatly. "I meant exactly what I said. Does he get kinky when you have sex?"
Orihime, who was unfortunately in the middle of a sip of tea, choked abruptly and spewed it all over. She urgently grabbed at a napkin and began trying to wipe everything down.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to!"
"Well," Yoruichi said with a touch of distaste, dabbing her own plate with a napkin, "now I suppose this means you'll have to tell me."
"Um, but I mean, it's all perfectly normal, I think."
"You think?" Rukia chuckled.
Both women stared at Orihime, each with an eyebrow raised.
"Oh, ok, I think I've thought of something," she said nervously. "He likes to choke himself with my hair."
"He what?!" they said in unison.
"Well..." Rukia said and raised her hands as if to pass the blame, "I knew he was weird but I didn't know he was that weird."
"Actually," Yoruichi nodded, "I could've pegged him for one. A sexual deviant, I mean."
"Sex? No. I mean after sex he chokes himself."
"Erotic Asphyxiation," Yoruichi shrugged, "It's a thing."
"What... how does it... work?" Rukia said unsuccessfully trying to hide a blush.
"Well, he, uh..." Orihime blushed as well and faltered. "He gets up real close behind me. He likes the way my hair smells, I think. Sometimes when he's, uhm... really, er, happy he'll kinda like... taste it."
"Ew," Rukia stuck her tongue out.
"Yeah," Yoruichi barely contained her laughter, "ew."
"He- he doesn't do it on purpose!" Orihime was practically hiding her face.
"He does!" Yoruichi was crying with laughter now. "He totally does!"
"N-no, he just falls asleep that way. And when... and while he's sleeping he just kind of inhales and it, uh, goes in..."
Both Yoruichi and Rukia were roaring with laughter now, and Orihime was on the verge of tears.
"It's not funny," she squeaked, "He chokes real loud and it scares me and wakes me up and it pulls my hair and it gets all spitty and gross!"
This only made the girls laugh louder, of course.
"Mou," Orihime whined, "I don't like girl talk."
"You told them what?!" Ichigo nearly dropped his toothbrush as he looked at Orihime behind him in the mirror.
"I'm sorry," she bowed desperately, "we were trying to do girl talk and I just didn't know what to say and it sort of came out..."
"Orihime," Ichigo sighed. "Geez. I'll never be able to look Rukia in the eye again."
"I'm sorry," she sniffled.
"It's fine," he shrugged, "stuff like that happens I guess."
Orihime intently watched Ichigo's back muscles as he took off his shirt.
"Do," she began, feeling a little dumb, "do you talk to your friends, uh, about me?"
Ichigo turned to her and chuckled. "Hell no! But don't think they don't ask. Especially Keigo."
Orihime wrinkled her nose and shook her head. She took his place in front of the mirror and pulled out her hair tie to brush her hair. Ichigo couldn't help but watch her arms move as she guided the brush through it, all shiny and silky.
"I couldn't tell them about you anyway," he said. "I don't think I could describe you if I tried."
Orihime smiled and chuckled. "You like my hair."
"I love your hair. I love you, Orihime. All of you."
Orihime reached out her fingertips and without hesitation Ichigo reached out too. She liked how big and warm his hand was, and he liked how perfectly hers fit into his.
"You still make my heart beat faster," Orihime admitted. "Every time."
"Every time what?" Ichigo smiled as he ran his hand up her arm.
"What do you mean?"
Ichigo laughed this time, really laughed. "You know what."
"Every time... I see you," she smiled. "Every time I hear your voice. Or you call my name. Or you hold my hand, or touch my skin, or-"
"I get it," he said and brushed her hair back away from her face. "So. You wanna try for another story to tell them next time you talk girly or whatever?"
"No, this won't be a story I can tell them."
"No?"
"Nope," she replied, "It'll be too graphic."
Ichigo paused for a moment to process the sentence, and then picked her up in one swift movement. "Where do you even come up with this stuff, Orihime?"
"I thought I already told you what we did today," she said, already a little flushed.
Maybe girl talk did have some merits after all.