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Book 4: Spirit

Chapter 1: Azula's Lost Days

Page 5 – Is it Human?

Azula had lost track of time since she had first woken up in this dreadful place. She had no idea how long she had been here, a day or two, maybe? There was no window, so she did not even have the sun to use to measure time. To be honest Azula did not really care about the matter since she began waking up in here. I have nothing left anymore. Was the only thought running through her head. She did not deserve to be here. She was the rightful Fire Lord! She had thrashed and screamed and ordered, but to no avail for the guards did not obey her. "Traitors!" She screamed at them. "Release me now! Or I will have you all executed!" She would thrash and struggle as hard as she could, but eventually, her strength would give out and she would be left with the cold realization that she had no control over the situation.

She truly had nothing left anymore. Zuko had stolen everything form her. Their mother, her friends and he had stolen her father from her. The worst though, was that Zuko had stolen a part of her soul. She did not know how he had done it, but that bastard had taken her Fire from her. She did not even have the control over her life to kill herself.

She hated the prison for that reason most of all. With nothing to do, all she could do was reflect on what she lost. Or rage against those who betrayed her. She threatened and screamed and thrashed, not because she thought it would do any good any more, but because it was all she had to distract herself from the long pauses of her day. When her treacherous body eventually gave out its strength and she collapsed against the chains, the full force of her mourning overpowered her, and brokenly, she would sob, until exhaustion made her pass out for a few hours until she woke up to repeat the process.

Without any other means of measuring time the distant, rational part of her mind had settled on counting the times the guards brought her food. If one could call the slop they tried to give her food. They refused to remove her mask, so twice a day, or so Azula had figured, they brought a bowl of warm mush to pour down her mouth with a funnel. Azula had refused to eat any of it at first. She kept her mouth closed tightly.

It must be drugs in that gruel. She told herself. That was how they stole her bending. Some horrible chi blocking concoction her Uncle Iroh had probably shown them. After not eating while she awaited her coronation out of fear, concern Azula... you were concerned not afraid she told herself, of being poisoned and at least two days without food or water, Azula's survival instinct overwhelmed her and she took the gruel they gave her willingly. It tasted awful, but it didn't taste funny to her, but then she never ate anything this low quality, so the poison could be hidden in its horrid taste.

To think, her, Princess Azula had been reduced to being fed like this. It was humiliating. She managed to keep her composure during that ordeal; at least until the guards finished feeding her, but as soon as the funnel was pulled away she would struggle. She did at least come close to de-fleshing a finger on one of the guards that had nearly slid between the bars in her mask. She panicked later, however; when her lower stomach started to knot up and growl. At first she clenched as hard as she could. She would not soil herself like some filthy beggar, nor would she ask any of these guards for help. She did not need anyone she could not trust. She could not trust anyone she could not control, and she could not control anyone who did not fear her. These guards had no reason to fear her, so they could not be trusted to help her.

She had held out for a good portion of the first day she had had something to eat, but come nightfall, her stomach was in agony. She had faced a dilemma she had not faced in years. Her choices were not between success or failure, right or wrong, but they were between humiliation and degradation. Which choice was right? Should she keep her pride by refusing to ask for help, only to lose more of it every time she smelled herself? Should she swallow her pride and ask for help?

Was this the last decision she could keep for herself? She could not choose what course her Nation would follow any longer. She could not choose where or when she slept or what she ate. She could not choose her friends or family, for she had none any longer. She could not control when she faced death. She could not even control her Fire; somehow, the last one seemed worse than death. Was the last choice left to, the great and prodigal child, Fire Lord in the making, Azula to be able to choose when to relieve herself? She bit her lip so hard under her mask that she bled. What was she supposed to do? When the horror dawned on her that her body was going to take that decision away from her too when she felt the last cramp tear its way through her, she slumped against the chains in defeat and called out.

"Guards!" She cried out. "Guards come here!" She forced herself to lift her head as the tiny window in her door opened so the guards could look in.

"What do you want?" One of her attendant guards called from behind the door.

She mustered as much command into her voice as possible and nodded her head to the chamber pot on the ground. "I need to..." Her composure faltered. She had never before had to ask the use the bathroom, since she left the early years at the Fire Academy. She felt the humiliation blossom in her cheeks as a warmth flowed into her skin. How was she supposed to ask for this?

The guard just stood there, waiting. Jerk! Her mind screamed. He was mocking her; just like the day the guards called her 'princess' when she first woke up. The guards loved to humiliate her. She saw through their worthless fake pity when they looked at her. Saw the fear they faked when they treated as if they feared to be near her. As if they did not know she could not Fire bend any more? She was mocked by prison guards. Just like her loser of an uncle had been when he was brought in here after, she conquered Ba Sing Sei.

"Where are my Dai Li agents?" She whispered softly enough the guards could not hear her. Where were they? They were supposed to protect her from threats like this. Azula's mind was foggy from lack of sleep and the pain coming from her cramping stomach. The last lynchpin that forced her out of her reverie was the voice of the guard.

"What do you want?" He repeated again annoyed and out of patience. This guard, none of them cared for her. All they cared for was to humiliate her and drag her down lower than they were.

"I have to use the damned pot you simpleton!" She screamed; her self control shattering yet again. "Alright, are you happy to have me come out and say it? Lower me down so I can use it!" She screamed at the guard, her eyes wide and wild, she could feel the throbbing of her arteries as her stress levels went up and her cramping became worse.

To her surprise the chains lowered. She thought for sure the guards would just let her roll around in her filth. They probably only did it so they would not have to deal with the smell. If she ever reclaimed her throne she thought, as she made her way to the pot with what little slack they gave her, she would ensure that these two guards would be soiling themselves in the deepest dungeon.

She drew comfort from the thought until she realized that the guard wasn't closing the window as she was about to undo her tunic. She stared horrified at the open window.

"Well do you have to go or not?" The guard asked impatiently.

Did they expect her to try to escape now that she had some slack? Impossible. She told herself. She bit her lip into the same oozing teeth marks from before. Were they this depraved and perverse that they would watch her… watch her, do that? She swallowed a lump in her throat; what else would they do with her if they had the chance? "Turn around you lizard-swine!" She yelled back. She saw him roll his eyes and step away from the window. Azula sighed relieved and undid the bottom of her tunic and sat upon the chamber pot.

She froze in horror as she looked up and saw a different set of eyes staring from the window. The eyes were more delicate, a woman's, but it was still someone else. Never before in her life had she felt this vulnerable, this worthless. Tears of shame ran down her crimson face while she finished. "Alright vermin I'm finished!" She stood up, careful to pull her tunic up to keep herself unexposed, and she fully intended to kick the pot the second the door opened when they came in to fetch it. She never had the chance. The chains rattled and tightened and once again she found herself crucified against the rock. This is what she was reduced to. Her mother was right. She was nothing more now than a worthless monster on display. The realization sucked any rage she felt and she just broke down and cried miserably and even if it meant she could not see Zuko make the journey first; she prayed she could will herself to death.

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