Disclaimer: (IdnoAtLA) Page 6 is up thanks again for all your feed back. Still don't own Avatar.. but one day.. one day soon… mwhahahaha!

Please Read and Review All Constructive critique Welcome. Enjoy

Book 4: Spirit

Chapter 1: Azula's Lost Days

Page 6 – Azula Alone

Prison routine settled into a boring rhythm the next day. Azula was humiliated when the guards came in after another restless night of nightmares to feed and drug the monster. Azula was humiliated as she called the guards an hour later so the monster could use the chamber pot. Azula was humiliated when her rage overtook her when the monster could not focus enough on anything to distract itself from the horrors of its life and it began screaming.

Azula realized as this latest tantrum subsided and she started to cry softly, that her life would be an endless cycle of humiliation until the day she died. Eventually her crying had ended as her body lacked the strength to generate any more tears or to continue sobbing, so she hung there limply. Her mind too busy thinking to allow her to sleep. She had heard the guards talking, and her eyes narrowed as she tried to focus on what they were saying. She could care less what worthless parts of their lives they were discussing, but at least it was something other than her own mind.

My, my, you are pathetic. She could hear her shattered self image chastise herself. Gasping at any straws you can. She focused harder on the door, willing it to open so she could hear better, anything to drown out her own thoughts. She was lucky they forgot to close the window to her cell so their voices did drift back to her.

"Did you hear how it happened?" One of them asked, the woman. "How the Avatar did that to Fire Lord Ozai?"

Azula's eyes widened. Father?! After three miserable days, or weeks or what ever, she could finally find out what happened to Dad!

"I don't know…" The other one, the male guard responded. "All I know is that that twelve year old boy took Fire Lord Ozai's bending from him."

Azula stopped listening at that point. The Avatar stole Father's bending? She began to panic again. Her breath began hyperventilating. She thought it had been drugs, some strange concoction by Uncle or the Fire Sages. She had thought it was something she could eventually build up a tolerance too, but no. It was something the Avatar did. She felt a cringing horror crawl up inside her skin. What had that freak done to Father? What had he done to her? Azula was so distraught she did not even feel any joy in learning that her father was alive. Her bending was gone forever. The Avatar must have done the same thing to her when she was unconscious after that damned Agni Kai!

Never before had Azula truly felt violated. Tears stung her eyes anew and she began to cry mournfully as she hyperventilated as the knowledge of her spiritual rape hit her. She would never bend again. She would never feel the little life of a flame as she grew and nurtured it. Feel it fill with her purpose as she commanded it. For the rest of her miserable life in this cell any flame that touched her would mean pain, agony and injury.

Mother was right, Mother was always right. I'm just a monster. I'm just a monster. Monsters don't feel anything. I'm just a Monster; I don't feel anything. Azula chanted in her mind through her hyperventilation, trying to block out the pain of her emotions. Eventually the lack of air to her brain caught up with her as she convulsed, rolled her eyes, and passed out.

xxxxxxxxx

Azula was falling through something thick, viscous and ice cold. It wasn't water; it was much too thick, but she was sinking. She wasn't drowning; however, she could breath fine, but she could not swim up no matter how hard she tried. She just kept sinking. Odd lights bobbed in the distance barely in sight. She wasn't freezing to death, thank the dragon, Agni her own inner Fire kept her warmed. She forced her body ramrod straight and summoned her Fire and bended. Blue flames launched brightly and hot, illuminating the darkness as she started to rise in the syrupy-thick ice cold fluid.

She felt warm and happy and elation at being able to rise up. She glanced down and saw in the distance beneath her something black and oily looking. Some other ocean underneath the ocean she was rising out of. She noticed the lights started to get closer to her as she was nearing the surface. At first as one came close enough to see it looked like a little dragon and Azula smiled and held out her arm to it. As it came closer and fully into the light she stared at it oddly.

It wasn't a dragon. It was slinky and snake-like looking as dragons were. It had four claws and two wings like dragons had, but it wasn't a dragon. Its body was translucent; she could see its skeleton and slight changes in its surface tension inside its body where its organs were. Its 'wings' were just vicious looking fins that ended in sharp barbs, like the ones that lined its back. Its claws weren't the regal looking talons drawn on the dragons in her books, but were thin sickle like claws, that looked like fish hooks. Long and thin. Its face was horrid, long needle thin and sharp teeth adorned a lipless mouth, in a curved featureless face as two slit like nostrils grazed its face. The worst were its eyes; they were large and completely white, with no iris or pupil. They stared at her vacantly and hungrily. Azula withdrew in disgust and channeled more chi to blast more flames to get away from the horrid little creature.

Azula saw the beast gaining, and to her fright saw more of the creatures coming into view. Their bodies glowed softly in a pale lifeless way as they shimmed in the weird ocean. When the first one reached her it passed through her back and through her chest as if she wasn't there. She felt a sudden cold shock, and horrible pain like a muscle cramp as her breath stopped in her chest for a moment. She watched in horror as it exited out her chest; its glow was slightly bluer than before. She panicked and channeled more chi into her flames, but she could not go as fast as she was before; she was slower. Another creature closed the distance, and then another. Each one passed through her chest or back and out the other way. Each time she felt the cold cramping feeling, felt herself get slower and become a little colder.

She glanced down and saw a horde of them coming at her. She also saw that her flames were much less blue than normal, with edges of yellow and orange in them. As more and more of the horrid things past through her hungrily, they came out glowing a different color. At first they glowed blue after exiting her. As she slowed down and her flames started turning more and more orange, they started glowing a faint orange color. To her complete horror her flames failed entirely, not two feet from the surface of this ocean. She desperately struggled to reach her hand out of this nightmare ocean, but she could not make it as she started sinking more and more. Even without her Fire they kept attacking her. They each stole more and more of her warmth as she batted at them impotently. They simply phased through her hand and went into her chest, cramped her whole body and left her feeling colder.

Eventually she felt her arms and legs move slower as they robbed more of her warmth. Their stolen energy glowed fainter and fainter as they took more of it from her. Eventually she froze in place unable to move as the swarm disappeared into the darkness. Satisfied that they took all they could from her, they waited barely able to be seen for their next victim as Princess Azula tumbled down into the darkness, freezing cold and unable to move. She saw with horror as the oily black 'sub ocean' came back into her vision, and she tried desperately to scream, but her lips and jaw were frozen in place.

Eventually she hit the 'surface' of the slick sub ocean and felt its awful, greasy muck touch her skin in a deplorable way that made her feel violated. She sank slowly into it. She hit it feet first as she experienced the horror of feeling it creep up along her body, engulfing her. When her eyes, nose and mouth touched the surface she felt it flow into her nose and mouth as she sank in utter complete darkness. And this time she could not breathe.

xxxxxxxxx

Azula's eyes opened with a start trying to gasp in a lungful of breath, but unable to. She nearly panicked until she saw her feet suspended from the prison floor. Thank Agni, it was just a dream. She was drenched in sweat breathing heavily. She released her breath slowly and realized she was unable to draw a breath, because her panic induced gasp, had sucked the mask right over her mouth. She released her breath slowly and took slow deep breathes. She never thought she would be grateful to see her cell before now. It was just then she had heard talking.

"…and when we had trashed that guy's house, Chan wasn't it, on Ember Island? I thought it was the most fun we had in a very long…" Azula stopped listening in mid conversation for the second time that day, or was it the first? How long had she been asleep? It didn't matter as she stared at the acrobat. Her brows raised slightly. She wasn't dressed right. She was wearing that awful green uniform again and the red and white face paint. Her eyes narrowed again as the full realization hit her of who was standing before her.

"Ty Lee." Azula said in a cold impatient tone. "What are you doing here?"

This brought the overly cheerful acrobat out of her reminiscing. "Azula you're awake?!" She smiled brightly. "I was wondering when you would wake up."

"I see you have had a change in your sense of fashion." Azula mocked the acrobat. "Has your aura turned green now?" Azula smiled in a satisfied way when Ty Lee's smile melted into a concerned frown.

"Actually the Kyoshi warriors had asked me to join them. Suki is with Sokka, that Water Tribe boy, in the meeting at the palace today. After training, I came by to see you."

"Suki? What is she doing in the palace, let alone that peasant brat?" Azula was confused, had the whole world gone crazy? Wait what had Ty Lee said about the Kyoshi warriors?

"Well Azula… "Ty Lee paused hesitantly. "Zuko asked…"

"What do you mean you joined them?" Azula snapped interrupting her. "How could you join them? We fought them, they are our enemies."

"Well actually I met them in prison when me and Mai were in there and they were really nice to me, and I showed them a few moves and they asked me to join them." Ty Lee said clearly uncomfortable. Azula could not believe it. Her rage found new found energy somewhere in her body.

"You showed them? You showed them some of your moves?" Azula was taking in large amounts of air trying desperately to keep herself composed enough to ask what she needed. Oh how she wished she was free to hold down the circus bitch and idly cut the information out of her second by agonizing second. "Who else did you show your moves too? Did you show every one of my enemies? Did you show the Avatar?" Ty Lee's eyes widened. Azula could see the shock on her face. That was it. Azula's eyes suddenly went as wide as the acrobat's. "You treacherous bitch! No wonder he knew what to do!"

"Azula, I don't know what you are talking about." Ty Lee's eyes suddenly quivered and looked wet.

"Don't lie to me Ty Lee!" Azula's composure snapped as she tried to pull herself forward and lunge at the acrobat. These damned chains! "That's what happened. That freak took his damned Avatar magik and took what you showed him." She was breathing fast again; she was just barely able to keep from hyperventilating again. "You helped him…" Azula screamed as she glared at Ty Lee's face. "You…" Her screams started to stutter and she started to sob as she accused her, tears threatening to come down her face. "You helped him cut a piece of my soul out! How could you Ty Lee? How?"

"Azula, I swear I didn't show anything to Aang. I didn't even see him till after Zuko was crowned. I promise." Azula could hear the frantic pace the acrobat spoke, could hear her try to lie. Ty Lee was never good at lying.

"Oh Aang is it? You didn't see your friend Aang until after Fire Lord Zuzu stole my crown?!" Azula was seething. She could not believe Ty Lee would betray her so completely.

"Azula, you're talking crazy. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. I couldn't." Azula could see that Ty Lee's eyes were wet after she blinked her own a few times to clear them of tears. Good let the little bitch feel guilty at betraying her.

"Oh? Then I suppose that wasn't you who took my bending away from me at the Boiling Rock?" Let the girl weasel out of that one.

"Azula, I didn't know what else to do!" Ty Lee screamed at her in desperation. "I'm sorry okay! I didn't want to see you or Mai get hurt."

"So you attacked me? Why not attack her?"

"You were closer…?" Ty Lee was hiding something as Azula saw her grab her arm in discomfort.

Azula became even angrier. "Are you trying to convince yourself?" She started thrashing more. Started crying and yelling more. "You turned on me. Me! You were supposed to be my friend. Supposed to defend me! Supposed to be loyal to me! You picked Zuko over me! Just like everyone else does!"

"Azula, I didn't pick your brother over…" Ty Lee started.

"I said 'Zuko!' I didn't say brother! I have no brother! I have no mother and I have no friends!" Azula slumped crying. "And yes you did! Mai picked Zuko and you picked Mai! So just go away! You won. You and Mai and Zuko won." Azula's sobbed, as her shoulders racked painfully, in her restraints. As she mustered enough sarcasm as she could. "I hope the three of you are very happy together."

Azula could not see Ty Lee, the weak light and her blurry eyes made it near impossible. She blinked clearing her eyes again. She could see Ty Lee approach her; she saw the acrobat get close enough to almost touch her. Azula's panic rose in concert as she remembered her dream and what Ty Lee had shown the Avatar. She screamed in fright. "No Get away from me! Keep your damned hands away!" The fear was primal as she shrieked. Where were those damned guards? She didn't want Ty Lee to touch her again. She didn't want her stealing something else from her. "You bitch! Stay away from me! Guards! Guards help me!" Azula had no other choice. She didn't feel any shame or as if she swallowed her pride. All she wanted was help.

Ty Lee stared in shock and jumped back crying freely. "But Azula… I just wanted to see you. You're, You're my friend."

"Liar! I don't have any friends. My friends died on the Boiling Rock when they betrayed me! Don't come near me don't touch me, just go away! You don't care about me! No one does. Go back to your new green friends and leave me alone!" She sobbed miserably. Why, why did she feel this way? Ty Lee was as worthless as everyone else. She was a tool, just a convenient tool. Why was she in so much anguish? Did betrayal always hurt this much when it came out? She vowed she would never trust another person ever again.

"It's not a lie Azula." Ty Lee said quietly. "I do care about you. I have for a long time." Azula glared at her as Ty Lee raised her head with a small smile. Azula knew she was smirking at her. She was mocking her, lying to her to get her to slip her guard. "I lo…"

"Just shut up." Azula hissed unable to take any more lies. "Just shut up and leave. I hate you." Azula couldn't even smile at the horrified look on Ty Lee's face. "I hate you and never want to see you again." Azula arched her back and spat as hard as she could. Unfortunately most of it hit the bars on her mask and dribbled down her own chin. She was so angry she couldn't even feel the indignity.

Azula stared daggers at her as the circus freak turned and walked to the door. If she still had her Fire bending, she could have burnt the bitch to the ground with her eyes alone.

Ty Lee turned around and looked at Azula. Is that regret in her eyes? Too little, too late, too damned bad! Azula thought bitterly as Ty Lee looked away from her again. "I'll do what you asked me to do Azula, but I promise I'll help you any other way I can. I hope you… I hope you…" Azula saw her bite her lip and run out of the door crying.

Azula watched her leave. When the acrobat's, Kyoshi Warrior's rather she corrected herself, footsteps died. Azula was left with a profound sense of loss. She had cried out and expelled all her rage when Ty lee was here. Now all that was left was an empty feeling. Why had she bothered to come? Azula thought.

"Didn't she do enough?" She whispered to no one. She heard the guards secure her cell again. About damned time they did their job. Azula wished they had thrown Ty Lee out right on her scrawny rear end. She betrayed Azula. Just like everyone else, but more so. She betrayed her to the Avatar. Oh I'm sorry to Aang she corrected bitterly. Azula sighed heavily. Ty Lee claimed to care about her, but then betrays her enough to be on a first name basis with the enemy that stole part of her soul.

Azula could not understand this… melancholy that had taken her when Ty Lee left. It was an empty void, just indifference. Maybe this was how Mai felt all the time, She mused, her eyes narrowed as a small spike of anger surfaced. Mai, the other traitor. Why did they matter to her? Clearly she didn't matter to them. Even if they had really been friends why should they continue to matter now that they betrayed her. Azula knew she was fooling herself as her head lowered. Azula had cared about them. She felt like they were her friends, yet she was not good enough for them, again. Her, Princess Azula, prodigal child of Fire Lord Ozai, next in line for the throne was not good enough to be friends with a depressed melancholy girl, and a circus act.

Reality hit her hard as she slumped even more. The days spent chained up forcing her back and shoulders to knot up horribly as she squirmed. She sighed when she saw the door open, half expecting Ty Lee, she almost cried in anguish when she saw it was dinner time. Or maybe breakfast she could not tell any more.

Oh goody Azula thought. It was time to feed the monster.

xxxxxxxxx

Azula stirred in a semi conscious sort of way. She vaguely remembered a nightmare about showing off for Grandfather Azulon when she was younger, and something about the circus and drowning in an ocean of black with fake dragons. She felt her back encased in a cool soft feeling, and seeing a faint blue glow. She felt a bubble of panic rise up to the surface as vague memories of dragon-like leeches came to her barely sentient mind.

Azula felt the coolness spread across her as she felt the stiff muscles melting into softness. Feeling little pinpricks of relief, like acupuncture, resound up her spine as she melted back into half awareness. She felt a sharp crunch in her neck and she grunted in pain and relief. Azula had gotten used to being woken up by pain the past few days and began to stir. "Huh…?" Her sleep hazed mind, hampered at how relaxed and good her back felt made it hard for her to stay awake.

"Shhhh…." She heard someone say in a very soft, eerily familiar voice. She felt a warm hand slide under her tunic and rub her back up and down just the way she remembered when she was a child. Her eyes fought to open, but her body kept refusing to listen as her eyes stayed half lidded. She smacked her lips a few times and realized how dry her mouth and throat felt.

"Thi… Thirsty…" She managed to mumble out. Suddenly she felt nice and cool water offered. She drank greedily, barely breathing between heavy sips, until the heavy copper taste was out of her mouth, and she didn't feel like she dried her mouth out on too many fire flakes. She vaguely heard the water slosh, as she slumped back down, she felt herself floating a little, heard odd clinking metal noises. She remembered she was supposed to say something. It had been a long time since she had said "Thank you… mother." But then it had been a long time since her mother showed this kind of affection to her.

Something flitted in Azula's mind. Something was not right. She struggled to wake up, a kind of panic in her heart. There was a reason why that was a long time ago. Mother… Mother? Wasn't she gone? "Mother…?" Azula said softly as she almost stirred. "Are you there? It's me Azula." Her eyes opened trying to find the source of the kindness. Azula's hopeful eyes fell. It had just been a dream. She sniffed once and noticed her mouth wasn't dry. In fact her throat and mouth still felt cool. She noticed her back wasn't in knots any more.

Had her mother actually come to visit her? If that were so, why had she not stayed? She was so confused. Why did it matter? Mother left her so many years ago. Why was this damned ache flaring up every time she thought of her? Mother doesn't care about me. I'm just a monster. Maybe she just pities me and didn't actually want to see me. She thought in anguish. Her still sleep addled mind unable to conjure the anger she normally would use to shield herself from these feelings, Azula started to cry softly until sleep over took her again.

xxxxxxxxx

Azula stirred hesitantly. She had, had the strangest dream after her latest cry to sleep. A lullaby she had heard as a child. It was distorted though, a twisted emotionless version of the Fire Nation anthem. It was soft yet intimidating full of chimes. She arched her back slightly still relieved at how much better she felt, at least physically. Her back and shoulders weren't as sore and her throat felt better. The memory left a bitter sweet taste upon her spirit though. She sighed and watched the door open. Oh goody feeding time again for the… Azula's thought stalled mid formation as someone other than one of her guards came in. The figure looked like a red clad beacon of purity in this infested pit she was left to die in. The rich red robe, the firm shoulder mantle, topped with the golden icon in his top knot that gleamed in what little torchlight there was. She was left paralyzed with her emotions.

"Good morning Azula." Her brother said in a neutral voice.