Rob's My Last Yummy Birthday Tot

by ThreeHotPotatoes

Bella hates celebrating her birthday-and who could blame her? But her first vampire birthday MUST be celebrated, right? RIGHT? Hmm, maybe not. A birthday hot potato drabble collab for Robsmyyummy Cabanaboy. Oh...we know, Yum. We shouldn't have. (But we did!) Happy Birthday! Rated M for Madness. E/B, HEA ensured.

8. Chapter 8

Rob's My Last Yummy Birthday Tot

~O.O.O~

8

"YOU DID WHAT?"

"Ease up, dude. It was a mistake!"

"You ACCIDENTALLY ripped off Carlisle's head?"

"WHAT?" gasped Bella, fully tuning in to our conversation. Great thing about vamp hearing-no speaker phone required.

"I SAID I WAS SORRY!" Aro yells, then laughs like an absolute loon into the phone. It's creepy as fuck, but I'm thinking it would actually make a pretty decent ring tone.

"How did this happen?" I ask as calmly as possible.

"He asked me to help him with his lei, and I forgot I'm allergic to plumeria, and my nose started to tickle, and then I kind of got this tingly feeling and my nose hairs were all aflutter..."

"JESUS F'ING CHRIST, ARO! I don't need you to describe a sneeze in two thousand words here! Get to the part where my father's head popped off!"

Bella wraps her arm lovingly around my waist and gives me a consoling squeeze. Despite the fact that my father has just been decapitated and most likely ruined her party-which the guest of honor is not at, by the way-her comfort wraps itself around my heart like a warm blanket.

Aro starts bawling into the phone, and I roll my eyes to the ceiling. Could this day get any worse? "Put Emmett back on the phone," I growl.

A hideous tinny voice comes on the line. "It was heinous, Edward."

"Who IS this?"

Bella wraps her arms tighter around me and I seek solace in the perfection of her voluptuous vampire tits rubbing against my chest.

"It's Emmett," squeaks the voice. "We...kind of laid into the helium when everything started going to shit."

"I'll call you back." I hang up the phone and send up a quick prayer before making my last attempt to save this party. "Siri, how do you reattach a vampire head?"

"Stimulate the clitoris manually while tapping rhythmically on the G-spot. Caution: do not rub. Tap, tap, tap."

"WHAT?" Bella gasps again. "Did Siri just tell you how to make me squirt?"

I toss Siri across the room and she makes a satisfying thunk as the phone lodges in the plaster. Whipping the cuffs out of my back pocket, I say, "Fuck the party."