notes/warnings
+ more character death.
+ more swearing.
+ more retarded writing!
+ I always think that people who include associated music with fic are inherently obnoxious. and I never miss a chance to be obnoxious. so.
music: marlene on the wall, by suzanne vega.
Queen
Well, not completely alone.
"You deserve this," Rae says darkly. "That man is absolutely right."
A minute has passed. Fourteen to go. L has an excellent internal clock.
"Because I'm evil and wrote your name in the death note?"
"Because you let innocent people die," Rae says emphatically. "And worse, you don't care."
"If I let people die simply by not saving them, then surely every other person alive is also responsible for letting them die, since they too failed to save said person."
"No," Rae says. "You have the brains. You have the resources. You are supposed to be justice. Some justice. Ha! The world will be better off without you."
"But then you wouldn't get to break me," L argues, smiling a little. "And you wouldn't want that."
"I think you're overestimating how badly I want to be king," Rae says, and even L can tell that it's lying through its teeth.
"I think not."
Silence stretches between them for a little while. The sedation is getting heavier. The shackles have no faults or weaknesses.
L is running out of options.
Twelve minutes to go.
"Rae?"
"Mm?"
"Am I going to die?"
The Shinigami snorts. L's not actually sure how it manages, considering it has no nose.
"Like I'm going to tell you."
L tilts his head. Rae must have seen how long he was going to live before it gave him the death note. It must know.
"Well, it seems silly that you'd be assigned to me if I were destined to die before the five years was up. I believe I was told that someone's lifespan can only be shortened by a person or Shinigami using the death note. I doubt another human could use a death note against me, since I am generally incognito, which means that the only thing that could cause me to die in this situation is another Shinigami with a usable note."
"There are plenty of Shinigami in the world," Rae says comfortably. "I'm sure someone as careful as you would have lots of nice juicy years left to their life. You are a perfect target."
"Perhaps you are sick of me," L theorises. "Have you set up one of your death god friends to kill me like this?"
"As revenge for your threats to stay in the library, you mean?"
"Precisely. A Shinigami practical joke, if you will."
But if that is the case, L is sure Rae won't go through with it and have him killed. The god of death is hellbent on spending the full term with him, as long as it takes.
It hates him, and that makes him a little safer.
Ten minutes left.
L's left hand twitches. He hasn't had sugar in far too long. The whole building is going to blow up.
He...he doesn't want to die again. That is not part of his plan.
Although, if he goes through the whole death process again, and can remain more conscious of it, will there be a weak point? A passage? A detour? Something through which he can make his way to Mello and drag him back here?
Perhaps not.
"The others won't know you're missing yet, will they?" Rae asks, and L catches a telltale hint of bewilderment in its voice.
Aha. This has nothing to do with you. You haven't set this up at all. You're wondering how I'm supposed to survive.
In that case.
"Is there anything you can do for me?" L asks.
"I could tickle you," Rae leers.
"So helpful. Can you override another Shinigami trying to kill me, if you want to?"
"If it displeases me, sure. Right now, I have to say, I'm pretty amused."
"No, you aren't," L says with confidence. Rae's voice is approximately three iotas more bearable than usual. It's definitely preoccupied.
Rae pauses for a moment.
"You're right," it says, finally, voice back to the normal levels of unbearableness. "L...I can't predict this. I don't actually know what every other Shinigami is doing. It's not a power I have yet."
I already know that.
"I'm a little worried that this is where you're supposed to use the note," Rae says. "I'm not seeing any other way out of this."
"And if I kill people, that will stop the building from exploding?"
Rae is suddenly right next to him. L can hear the soft crackle of the flames in its chest.
"You can control someone for twenty minutes before they die," it says, voice soft and suggestive. "You could get Kenwood to drive back here and disarm the building. There would be more than enough time. But you'd need to do it soon. You only have a minute or so to decide."
"You realise you're only ever kind to me when there's an opportunity to convince me to use the note, right?"
L feels movement and ghostly hands on his stomach as the Shinigami retrieves the notebook from under his shirt.
"Come on," it says encouragingly. "Do you want to die? L? You've got nine minutes left!"
"No, but I don't want to kill, either."
"You're blindfolded, sedated, and chained to a wall," the death god points out, urgently. "You've got no goddamned chance without this book. Aren't you listening to me? Your life isn't guaranteed until the five years is up. You're going to die today if you don't do something!"
"That would be unfortunate."
"That's the chemicals talking," Rae decides. "I know you. You want to live."
"I want to win."
"What's more important right now? Beating me, or beating Marvin? No one is going to suffer by me becoming king. But a lot of bad guys are going to go free if you die today. Think about that."
It...it has a point.
No! Nothing will be gained from entering the same downward spiral that corrupted Light!
"How do you expect me to write a name in this condition?" he asks.
"I'll write it for you!" Rae says, sounding practically desperate now. "Come on, just say yes."
"Then you would die," L says. "Because you would have lengthened my life."
"Doesn't work that way if we're overriding another death god."
Just as I suspected. I'm not meant to die here.
His legs are free. His belt is still on. He's pretty flexible.
L jams his right foot against the wall and brings his left leg up hard, trying unsuccessfully to hit the belt.
"What the hell are you doing? Here, I'll hold the notebook to your hand, if you're so concerned about killing me. Which I doubt."
L tries again, focusing all of his strength into his leg, and fails. People are not meant to be able to connect their knee to their waist.
But he's not 'people'. He's a supersleuth.
The third time he jerks so violently that his muscles scream, and he feels something click out of place in his hip. But it doesn't matter, because he makes contact.
"The belt," Rae says, maybe a little admiringly.
"Eight minutes," L says.
It won't be long enough.
Naomi is in the middle of a hot and wonderful shower when the intercom buzzes. She sighs.
"What is it, Watari?"
"L is in danger," is the reply.
Naomi stops, turns off the water, and is dried, dressed, and out the door in thirty seconds. L is never in danger.
Something has gone horribly wrong.
"What's happened?" she asks, as soon as she bursts into the first surveillance room.
"L's activated his belt," M deadpans, and points to his computer screen. "The GPS has tracked him to a building on the corner of Android Road and White Street. CCTV of that area shows a few people loading the place up with explosives about an hour prior to that."
"Holy fuck," Naomi says, pressing one hand to her mouth. "How far away is this place?"
M truly is a computer whiz. No-one should have got their hands on footage in under a minute.
"Five minutes by helicopter," M says. "Watari's on the launchpad as we speak. We need to go."
The drive to their makeshift launchpad takes under a minute, but her heart is racing by the time Watari comes in view. He looks especially old, and especially worried. Naomi knows he cares deeply for L.
L's never sounded his belt before. Never. Not once.
"It's my fault," Watari says as he helps her aboard. "I should have gone with him."
"He's a grown man," Naomi says, strapping herself in. She feels only a little better when Watari clambers into his seat and she feels the cabin vibrate under her.
M opens his laptop.
"Judging by the footage, this isn't something we can dismantle," he murmurs. "We need to get L out and evacuate the area."
"Right," Naomi says, glad for something to do. "I'll contact the local police."
She takes out her phone.
"There's another problem," M adds.
"What?"
"There are twenty-eight levels to this building, including the basement. And I honestly don't think we have very much time."
"But...but if that's true, then we're going to have to guess," she says, dismayed.
"I know," M says. "We're gambling with L's life."
"How can you say that so calmly?" she snaps. "God, I can't even think clearly right now. How did something like this happen?"
M shrugs and turns back to his computer.
Brat, she thinks, viciously.
Her phone vibrates in her hand, and she almost drops it.
"What is it?" M asks.
There's a message flashing up on the screen. Her eyes widen.
It's from L.
"We're running out of time," Rae says, unnecessarily. "The others need to get here soon, if they don't want-"
"They won't make it in time," L says quietly, knocking his head against the wall in frustration.
"What? Why not?"
Four minutes.
"The belt reports my location according to GPS tracking," L tells it. "Meaning that they now have my location in two dimensions."
"Which ought to lead them here, surely. If they're worried about you, and they're rushing..."
"And they don't know what floor I'm on."
"Of course," Rae says, snapping its fingers. "They have twenty-eight options."
"At most, they'll be able to check two or three floors before they need to evacuate," L whispers. He's tired. His throat hurts, some strange after-effect of whatever Marvin dosed him with.
"So your odds of surviving are about eleven percent," the Shinigami calculates.
"Yeah," L says heavily. "You know, I think there might be another death god involved in this. Because if I know N, she'll pick the top floors. That's where I'm mostly likely to be."
"I take it you have presumed that Jeevas will work out the situation before they arrive? So they'll know this building is loaded with explosives?"
"Of course."
L can hear the helicopter now, still a few hundred metres in the distance. He kicks at the carpet with his bare foot.
He doesn't want to die. Even if it means being rid of Rae, he doesn't want to die.
Is that selfish?
He doesn't want the others to get blown up, either. He hopes that M and N have behaved as predicted, and calculated the exact time of detonation. The last thing he wants is to take them with him.
But it's not as if he can warn them. Once they get close enough to hear him scream, he'll be drowned out by the noise from the blades.
He never should have drawn attention to his phone. If it were still with him - instead of lying abandoned downstairs - he'd be able to find a way to use it and contact them.
But no.
Damnit. He hates depending on someone else. N had better not screw this up. If he wakes up in the next world beside the rest of his team, he's going to fire her.
"I can see it," Rae informs him. "They're here."
Adrenaline rushes through his veins, overriding the sedatives. L clenches his hands.
"They've only got seventy seconds! Where are they going?"
"I think you're right. I think they're going for the higher floors. But not the top floors, more like...twenty...four?"
"Don't guess," L snaps. "Tell me when they actually stop."
The roar of the rotors drowns out everything else, and he can barely hear Rae's voice. He's shaking, so angry, so, so angry. No one has any right to put him in this position.
They'll go upwards. They'll fail. He never should have called them. He's putting them through unnecessary risks for nothing.
"Take my blindfold off," he says softly. "Please. Please, I want to see one more time."
Rae doesn't respond, and L feels lost. Time is running out. He sucks in a breath and holds it.
Ten seconds later he hears the distinctive sound of someone driving a fist straight through a pane of glass. The two thumps that follow can only belong to a human who has just dropped feetfirst into the room.
This room, his room. The right floor.
How?
"You need to fuckin' warn us when you're going to get yourself fuckin' kidnapped," M informs him coldly, one bony hand closing over his elbow, warm and alive. "Now, let's get you fucking out of here."
The shackles are stainless steel, keyless, and utterly impenetrable. It takes M just thirty seconds to break through them. He pulls off L's blindfold as an afterthought.
My son, L thinks in wonder. He never thought he'd see him again.
"Come on!" M barks, tugging on his sleeve. "Run!"
L is half dragged, half carried back out the window, and shoved into the waiting helicopter.
"Good to see you again," N says brightly. L's hands are shaking. His leg aches and apparently he can't walk on it properly, but he doesn't really care. He's in the helicopter. He's with Watari, and N, and M.
He's safe.
Impossible.
"How the hell did they find you?" Rae asks.
Your guess is as good as mine, L thinks. He doesn't know. How can he not know? As far as he had deduced, they had no way of locating him.
He's made a mistake. Another error. His second in as many hours.
Pitiful.
"I've evacuated the surrounding buildings," N informs him.
"Marvin only planted enough explosives to bring down this building," L manages.
"Marvin?"
"The man who did this to me," L adds.
"Explain it to me later," N says, one of her hands pressing against his shoulder. "Watari, get us the hell out of here."
Watari steers them in a smooth half-circle, and then flies as fast as he can in the opposite direction.
L breathes out.
The building explodes before L even has time to fasten his own seatbelt. The helicopter is thrown forward by the force of the blow, but they're far enough away to escape the worst of the impact.
"Huh," M says, surveying the damage from his window seat. "You were right. Nothing else has been touched."
"Yeah. I figured he'd be pretty smart," L says quietly. The adrenaline is fading, and he's sleepy.
"This is Marvin?" N presses. "Who was he? Who is he? Did he know who you were?"
"Wedy's father," L manages. The helicopter is comfortable. When was the last time he actually slept?
"Wedy?" N asks, surprised.
"Then that would make his real name Marvin Kenwood," M drawls. "You're in luck."
"Luck?" N asks, baffled.
"A man identified as Marvin Kenwood drove his car off a local cliff about...ten minutes ago? The police relayed it to us because they thought it might have been related to the terrorist N's been chasing."
"He's dead, then," L asks, surprised.
"Looks like your identity is safe again, wonder boy," Rae mutters. It is presently lying on the floor of the cabin. L kicks at it.
"So Kenwood abducted you?" N queries.
"He shouldn't have gotten to me," L says gravely. "I was not paying sufficient attention. It was my mistake."
N sighs.
"Well, you're only human. You're bound to slip up occasionally. That said, please never, ever put yourself in that position again."
"That is certainly my plan," L says, dropping his head back against the seat.
"I wasn't sure if you'd given yourself up," M comments, mostly to the window. His words jolt L out of his drowse.
"What?"
"You didn't exactly take T's death well."
"What?"
He took T's death better than any of the rest of them! He was hardly even upset. He just kept right on working. How dare his protégé suggest otherwise?
M gives him a scathing, side-on look.
"Please," he says softly. "I know what grief fuckin' looks like."
L stares at him, mouth opening and closing silently, trying to formulate a response.
"You've been drugged, haven't you?" N asks him. "You're acting strangely."
"Sedatives. I don't know what," L says, turning to her. M is wrong, but there's little point in arguing with him.
"Huh," she says, and reaches for the first-aid kit. She actually reaches right through Rae's head, but of course, she doesn't know that. "We might have some sort of antidote."
"Never mind that right now," L says. "How did you find me?"
She frowns at him.
"You set off your belt. Did they give you something with amnesic properties as well?"
"But the belt doesn't measure strata," L says. "You chose the correct floor. How did you know where I was?"
He's wide awake now. This is important.
N looks at him like he's crazy.
"Okay, definitely amnesia," she pronounces. "You told us which floor you were on, L. You sent us a message."
"I did?" L asks, astonished.
"Look, I'm getting sick of arguing," she says, and passes him her phone. "Here, read it."
Her most recent SMS is from Doreen. Doreen is the code name for his mobile. The one he had with him. The one that was left downstairs.
The message is simple, only three words.
Floor twenty-two.
It was sent fourteen minutes ago.
"Whoa," Rae says, peering over his arm. "What? How? You'd lost your mobile before this was sent!"
What's happened? L wonders. Is this some sort of emergency protocol I implemented and forgot about?
Is my memory just impaired?
Or did someone else do this?
He passes the phone back to N.
"Thank you," he says. "My phone was left behind, so I'll have to acquire a new one as soon as we arrive back at base."
M is staring at him again.
"You did send that message, right?" he asks blandly.
"Of course," L replies. "I remember that now."
He doesn't meet Rae's eyes.
They go back to their hotel at Washington. Watari goes over L, gives him yohimibine to reverse Marvin's drugs, and maneuvers his hip neatly but painfully back into place.
"Thank you," L gasps.
N is standing at the doorway, supervising.
"Will we go straight back to London, L?" she asks. "We can leave within the hour."
There's no reason for them to stay here now that the case is finished, and L usually feels safer when he's in his own heavily-guarded base, but...
But there's something he has to get to the bottom of, first. And apparently, it's right here.
"No," he says calmly. "We're in no immediate danger. We'll stay until tomorrow, as planned."
"Understood," N says politely.
"Get some rest tonight, L," Watari says kindly. "You know we worry about you, sometimes."
L stares at him, scrutinising.
"Do you think I'm grieving?" he demands. He feels much better now that he's been treated. He feels balanced, and back in control. He's ready for his next case, and he's ready to never again make the mistakes he made today.
"I think you are yourself," Watari says. He's always startlingly good at answering difficult questions.
"Thank you," L says. "I will take your advice and sleep, now. Please monitor the building tonight, as usual."
"Of course, L."
L ambles up the stairs and sinks into his bed. The carpet in this hotel is plush and luxurious, but the bed is too hard, and the blankets too scratchy. Still, it won't bother him. He sleeps because he needs to, not because he enjoys it.
Rae flaps through the wall and hovers in its usual position, near the head of the bed on the left hand side.
"So you're actually going to sleep? I thought you'd be doing research into our mystery stalker."
"My mystery stalker," L corrects. "How could anyone possibly stalk you? They can't even see you."
"Fair point. Which means I won't be the one who gets mugged."
"Yes, you gloat about that," L monotones, stifling a yawn. "I'm going to sleep."
"Hm. Well, keep in mind that I won't be around to watch your death note tonight," Rae says, folding its arms.
"Oh?"
"All this talk of other Shinigami trying to kill you," it explains. "I just. It's bothering me. You are correct. When I saw your lifeline when we first met, it indicated that you'd live longer than today."
"And so I did," L says.
"But you were put in a situation where you shouldn't have," Rae says, scrubbing at its bony forehead. "In ordinary circumstances, we don't kill each other's humans. But since I have no death note of my own, it's possible another Shinigami might take that duty upon themselves."
"Hm," L murmurs. "So you want to go back to the Shinigami realm to make sure nobody kills me before my time?"
"That's right, Miss Marple."
L grins a little.
"I'll take extra precautions tonight then, to keep the note safe. I owe it to you, after all. You're securing my life."
"Oh, I'm not guaranteeing you'll live for the full five years," Rae warns. "I'm not guaranteeing you'll live through tomorrow. Like I said, this quest can be transfers to someone else."
"You won't let it transfer," L predicts. "You're too stubborn."
"And you aren't?"
"I'm exactly as stubborn as I ought to be," L says serenely. "I am L. Goodnight, god of death."
"Whatever," Rae says, and sweeps out of the room.
After that, L finds it strangely difficult to get off to sleep. He pulls on another five shirts, and sets up a simple alarm system that will pull his clock off the nightstand if someone comes through the door. He crosses his arms firmly over his chest, and closes his eyes.
Nope. He's wide awake.
"Too much antidote," he mutters. His mind is racing. A single phrase keeps repeating, over and over again.
I understand. I won't let you down.
I understand. I won't let you down.
I understand. I won't...won't...won't.
L jolts upright.
"Damn you," he snarls, suddenly angry. "Didn't I tell you not to leave the room? Why didn't you listen?"
I know what grief fuckin' looks like.
M is defunct. L knows that. Nothing he says can be taken into account.
That's right. And why would you listen to Matt over me, anyway, his inner Near voice enquires. L wishes it would stop addressing him directly. Occasionally it makes him feel as if he's gone mad.
L forces himself to lie down and roll over. He needs to be calm.
The more like Near he can be, the better his chances of winning every case. After all, it was Near that defeated Light. He clearly had something L had lacked at the time. It's only sensible that L try and emulate him now.
"L?"
L is back to sitting bolt upright before his brain can even process what's happened.
"...oh. It's you."
He breathes deeply. Rae is gone. It's only natural that she'd be here.
Rem smiles, but she doesn't come any closer. Strange. Why would a Shinigami be cautious of a human?
And she's never kept her distance before.
"What is it?" he asks, rubbing at his eyes. "You didn't contact me first."
She regards his carpet.
"I don't have much to say, I suppose."
"I'm starting to feel like you're a replacement for Rae," L comments. "Perhaps you are my fill-in Shinigami, here to keep me company in Rae's absence?"
"Am I no better company than Rae?" she asks, spitting the last word out like it tastes bad. Clearly she has not developed any fondness for her fellow death god since the last time they spoke.
"You are infinitely better company, but that is not particularly a compliment," L informs her. "Jam jars and psychiatrically deranged mass murders would also both make better company than my Shinigami."
"I see," she says. "That much aside, I am glad to see you are unharmed."
Unharmed?
"You witnessed my abduction today, then?"
"I did."
A thought strikes him.
"Did you send a message from my phone?" he asks, propping his chin up on his knee.
She sighs.
"I thought that without help, your friends might have run out of time."
"Ah," L says, relaxing. "It was you. I was worried it was that thing."
"What thing? Rae?"
L waves one hand in the air. The other is fishing around under his pillow. He has jubes somewhere, he's certain.
"No, something new. Something's been following me for a good six months or so, now. Rae keeps seeing it out of the corner of its eye. And so do I."
He comes up with a handful of gooey, sugary goodness. Victory!
"Not that I'm particularly worried," he adds, stuffing an orange-flavoured sweet into his mouth, and chewing thoughtfully. "It's not as if said creature is doing me any harm."
She's really fascinated by that carpet. Something is wrong. Rem has always been perfectly confident.
"Has something happened to you?" he queries.
No response.
"Rem? Did Rae do this? Or are you just unnerved because I know who you used to be?"
"That was no creature following you," she says, finally. "That was me."
L pauses, trying to decipher that.
"You were following me?"
"That is correct."
"I see," L says, stroking his bottom lip. "And of course, you couldn't let yourself be seen by Rae, because he'd quite possibly eat you."
Rem smiles a little at that, despite her present ailment.
"But that still leaves the question of why," he continues. "Why follow us? Did you suspect something? Is there something going on in the Shinigami realm that I should know about?"
More silence.
Why has she shown up here if she has nothing to say?
"No, there's nothing going on," she says, audibly steeling her voice. "I've thought of something else you should know, though. About the redemption process. You see, I've found out that someone may be briefly removed from hell - or have their entry to hell delayed - if it is necessary for them to be given a fair chance at redemption. It seems that certain people, especially the very intelligent, may otherwise realise they are being given a chance and abuse -"
"Why are you following me, Rebecca?" L hisses, cutting her off. He's starting to feel uneasy. She's not behaving normally.
She stares at him, and there's a strange guilt in her cat-yellow eyes.
"What's happened to you?" he repeats.
"No one's ever told me I don't deserve to be in hell," she says, barely a whisper. She looks lost. L's eyes widen.
"No," he breathes. "No you didn't. You said you wouldn't. You practically promised."
"My words were 'don't flatter yourself'," she replies defensively. "And circumstances change."
"So you just...you just followed me?" he says, fighting to keep his voice quiet. "What about your own life? Haven't you been doing anything else at all?"
"I wanted to make sure you were safe!" she says hotly. It's strange to hear her yell, strange to hear her struggle to defend herself. It can't be that she's feeling vulnerable, god knows she's done this many times before.
But you've never been challenged before, have you? L realises. Because people like Mark and Misa were always perfectly happy to have you utterly devoted to them.
"I won't be a burden, I promise," she says carefully, mistaking his silence for acceptance.
"No," L says adamantly. "No. This will not do. What is necessary to make you fall out of love with me?"
"There isn't anything you can do," she informs him bleakly. "But as I said, it shouldn't be a hassle to you. I'll stay out of your way, and help when I can. You won't even know I'm around."
"Actually, you'd be surprised how stealthy you aren't, Rem," someone says from behind them, and L realises they've been set up.
"That was an awfully short visit," L says laconically.
"You!" Rem says, loathing dripping from her voice.
Rae folds its arms.
"Not that this isn't hilarious," it says cheerily, "but I'd love to know just how long you've been seeing this pathetic excuse for a god behind my back."
"I'd love to know why this bothers you," L says thoughtfully.
"Has this been going on every time I leave you alone for a few seconds? Has this been going on for the past three years?" Rae demands.
"I came to him because you were breaking the rules, you monster," Rem snaps. "You had no right to torture him, and you knew that."
"Oh good. The whole three years then," Rae says, scissoring its wings dangerously. "Obviously you she hasn't told you anything too useful, because you certainly haven't demonstrated any sort of advantage over me."
"To the contrary," L says. "The only thing I ever questioned her about was hell. Oh, and she told me a little about the king. And she mentioned the queen."
"That bitch?" Rae says darkly.
"I thought you'd never met her?" L asks, interested.
"Oh no, but all the orders come through her. It was her who thought up this little task, you see. Rem likes her, because she makes life difficult for me."
"You deserve a difficult life, you brat!" Rem says. L has never seen her angry before. She's a little scary. "You deserve...you deserve worse than that!"
"You ought to show your future king a little more respect," Rae says, puffing out its chest. It doesn't seem to be angry at her. In fact, it seems to almost see her as a joke, a fool. Its anger is definitely only directed at L.
"Oh, what will you do then, your majesty? Will you have me beheaded? No, wait, you can't do that. Will you have me crumble to dust? Oh wait, that won't get rid of me either."
"I could have you...destroyed," Rae says evilly, smiling at her.
"You couldn't," she shoots back. "I fall under the jurisdiction of the queen. You can't touch me."
Rae shrugs dramatically.
"She's bound to get sick of you, sooner or later. And anyway, we're missing the main point. You're in love with L now, huh? I guess that means that when his time is up, this world will also be rid of your whining and stupidity. Maybe I'll spend most of my time here, then."
"How dare you -"
"How dare you," Rae counters. "Do you think I don't know what this is about? You're trying to undermine me in my quest to be king. You're chasing down some false notion of revenge, so you thought you'd turn L against me as well."
"I'm already against you," L mutters, having given up on getting a word in edgewise.
"Why on earth would you fall for him, anyway?" Rae asks, laughing a little. "At least Misa was attractive."
Because you place no value on kindness or morality, Shinigami?
Oh, wait. That's right. I'm evil to the core.
"That's none of your business!"
"When I'm king, everything will be my business. And you'll do what I tell you to, Rem."
"I will not," she snaps.
Rae stretches broadly and yawns.
"Anyway, I know why you're doing this. You just can't admit to yourself that I was right, all along. And you were wrong."
"You were never right!" Rem says, but she's shaking.
"Oh yes I was," Rae jeers. "I always have been. Say, Rem, are you happy? Are you getting what you want? Because I am."
Rae turns back to L, and Rem drops onto her knees, hands covering her face, shoulders heaving arrhythmically.
Sobbing.
Oh, L thinks, briefly mortified for her. Don't cry. Not in front of Rae. It's bad enough that he knows this much about you.
Please, Rebecca, stop making yourself a victim. This is pointless. You never should have fallen for me, what value can it possibly have?
"I hope you didn't think too much of her," Rae says, smirking. "She's really not much of a death god, L."
"And you are?" L asks, raising one eyebrow.
"You know it."
"Don't talk to him like that," Rem says, regaining some control of herself. "He's better than you!"
"And everyone in the world is better than you," Rae says.
"Would you both please stop," L says, as loudly as he can without waking the others. "Please. I have no quarrel with either of you. If you need to fight, please take it outside."
"Oh, no, that's quite all right," Rae says, wandering over to stand at his side. "I don't want to bicker with a commoner, after all. And you don't get much more common than her."
"She is my friend," L says, surprising even himself.
Rem gapes at him.
Oh no, what have I done.
"L," she says, hoarsely. "L, I've changed my mind. I'm not going to follow you."
"Thank goodness for that."
L elbows his Shinigami in the ribs.
"Enough," he says quietly.
"I'm going to do something else for you, first," she announces. "It might take a while, maybe even a long while. But I won't stop until it's done. And then maybe you can be happy."
"What are you going to do, Rem?" he asks warily.
She smiles at him. She's quite pretty when she smiles.
"You'll see," she says.
Don't do anything crazy, L thinks. Don't try to do the impossible.
You aren't going to try and bust Mello out of hell at the cost of your own life, are you?
She approaches him, finally, and touches his forehead, just below his hairline.
"I want you to be glad you have me around," she says quietly. "I've never fallen for someone good before."
"I wish I could throw up," Rae announces unhelpfully.
"Rem," L says, giving up. It's probably better than she isn't with him, that's she's protected from Rae's undermining barrage of insults. "Please be careful."
"I will," she says. "And I want you to keep in mind what I said to you earlier today. It's true that I was using the information to stall, but it's also true that you ought to know. That's truly everything I can tell you about hell."
"All right," L says awkwardly.
"Goodbye, L," she says, far too fondly, and walks through the wall and out of the room.
"You idiot," Rae tells him harshly. "Why did you let her go? You could have used her to help solve cases. Or, heck, you could have had her bring you candy every day. She'd do anything for you, now."
"I employ people," L says firmly. "I don't use th-"
No, he's right, his inner Near voice interrupts. She would have been useful. It's not like she's really a person, and she's tireless. She could have helped solve an awful lot of cases. Maybe it's not too late to get her back.
L stops. Suspends.
What did you say? he asks.
I said-
You were agreeing with Rae.
In this instance, he is correct.
L clutches his head with both hands.
"What have I done?" he whimpers.
"What's your problem now?" Rae asks, poking him.
L ignores the death god. There are more pressing things to focus on.
You're not Near, he thinks. Near wouldn't say that. None of my proteges would ever say that. You're not anyone.
You're just a part of me. The cold, hard, ruthless part of me. I gave you a name, and now I'm clinging to you because...because...
Because I'm grieving.
Don't be silly, it says. You're not grieving. You're L. And I'm your inner Near voice.
A revelation. It's been a day for revelations, after all.
Even if that's true - and I hope for Near's sake that it isn't - it wasn't really Near's actions that lead to Kira's arrest, was it?
You're being irrational. I'm a part of you. You were right to regard me.
Fuck him, says another inner voice, one L has never heard before. Fuck him. You're L, aren't you? You can do anything you fucking want. If you're listening to Near just because he's your favourite, then you've got serious fucking issues. He's never lived in the real world even once in his fucking life.
It fades before it even finishes, and L reaches out mentally.
Wait! Mello!
He clutches his head tighter. Near and Mello do not live inside his head. All this time he's been pretending to be stronger because he calculates more accurate percentages and disregards emotions, and he's missed the fact that he's essentially made himself an imaginary friend.
The Mello voice doesn't stay, because Mello wouldn't want L to be relying on inner voices. Mello lived in the real world. Mello always considered everything, including the way he felt.
The voices seem to have annulled each other. There is silence inside his head.
You can do anything you fucking want.
He feels liberated, humanised, and powerful. He didn't catch fewer criminals before Matsuda died. His capacity has not improved. He's just been boasting to himself that he's changed for the better.
Light never felt anything. If he doesn't feel anything, that's one less step between them. And he should have considered that, right from the start.
Because he can do anything he fucking wants, right?
So what does he want to do right now?
L drops his forehead onto his knees, and lets it come. Lets out the water that's been backing up inside his head run out through his eyes and slide down his face. He sucks in a jerky breath that has more sound to it than he intended.
"What the hell?" Rae asks.
He's sobbing. On his bed. In the middle of the night. Sobbing. Like he hasn't done since he was six years old.
And it feels fucking awesome.
Rem flies through the night, and into the morning. She stays fairly low in the sky, skimming over the tops of skyscrapers. She likes to be able to see the people moving down below.
As a Shinigami, she's taken plenty of lives. That is her purpose, that is what she is expected to do now. As a human, she took plenty of lives, even though it was against the law. She doesn't seem to be able to exist in any other way.
Some people are just evil, through and through.
Some gods are just evil, through and through.
But that doesn't matter now, she has a new goal. She can bargain for the safety of Mihael Keehl, the man L spoke of when they met previously. She knows exactly what she needs to do. The sacrifice will be worth it. And despite her encounter with that...that monster, she feels lighthearted and happy. She saved L's life. She's done something good, for once.
And he was angry. So strange. No one has ever cared before, they've just happily accepted what she gave. But she's helped him out as much as she can, and he's been grateful for it in the past. Maybe he was just surprised by the revelation.
By the time she gets back to the death god realm, the sun is riding low in the sky, pale orange painting the world below. There are other gods milling around the place. Ryuk gives her half a wave before going back to tossing his sand-filled apple in the air. The other gods mostly ignore her.
She makes her way to the top of the tallest mountain, pushing through rubbery black trees and rotting piles of bones. The Shinigami world is as disgusting as the human world. And she hates them both.
The cottage is tiny and cosy-looking, with a neat little vegetable garden and green plants outside, and the whole thing looks starkly out of place. And deceivingly innocent.
This cottage has been here before the beginning of time. It is ancient and unending, and the closer she gets, the bigger it feels. It's a terrifying place to be. None of the others dare to come here, not even the king.
The door is no taller than she is, but she feels dwarfed by it. She raises her hands and raps twice, and the sound seems to echo on forever.
"Rebecca?"
There is only one person in the world who calls her by that name. She turns towards the direction of that voice and inclines her head.
"Your majesty," she says, respectfully.
The queen walks towards her. She's completely white, from head to toe, with long pale blonde hair, a pristine robe, and feathery wings. The only things that aren't white are her eyes, which seem to pierce right through Rem.
"You can just call me by name, Rebecca," the queen reminds her.
"Of course," Rem says, straightening up.
The queen places her secateurs on a shelf next to the door. Her hands are stained with dirt and chlorophyll. Rem doesn't understand why she has a vegetable garden.
Nothing else grows up here.
"What brings you here, today?" she enquires, not unkindly, but Rem still flinches.
"I..I have a request," she says quickly.
"Hmm," the queen says. "I have water in the kettle. Please, come inside."
Rem follows her into the cottage obediently. The inside of the cottage is always horrifying, but for no discernible reason. Rem thinks it must have something to do with the tiny, thumbnail-sized photographs that cover the walls and ceiling. Millions of flat, dead eyes on her at once.
All of those in the jurisdiction of the queen. Somewhere in here, is a photograph of Rebecca Remira.
Not that she wants to see it.
The table is already set for two, white-and-gold china teacups, tiny saucers, and silver spoons. She thinks of L.
"You were expecting me," she says.
"Yes, of course."
The queen sets the kettle on the stove, and moves around the table to poke briefly at the crackling fireplace. It's tiny and cheerful-looking.
They say the fire in the queen's house never goes out. Never.
They also say that the queen can read minds, that the queen is god, that the queen is in many places at once. The problem is, no-one really knows much about the queen, so people tend to make things up. Rem is sure that at least half of those statements are rumours.
The water boils in no time at all, and the queen pours them tea. Rem isn't as unnerved as she usually is. Her love for L courses through her, making her strong. It hasn't been a bad few months, and she'll be sad to leave it all behind.
Still. This is what must be done.
The queen finally sits down, and starts spooning sugar into her cup.
"So, what did you want from me? Oh, by the way, thank you for your perfectly ordinary behaviour earlier. I appreciate you not giving anything away."
Rem bows again, habitually.
"Of course."
As if she'd jeopardise something like that.
"And I...I want to make a deal, your maj...Jas."
Jas is her real name, or at least, what she's told Rem to call her, but Rem is unable to think of her as anything other than 'queen'.
She takes a tiny sip.
"Again? We've been through this before. There is nothing that you can possibly trade with me, Rebecca."
Rem stares at her. Shinigami don't usually drink tea, and she doesn't understand why the queen always serves it.
"What about the remaining years of my life?" she says, carefully. "You have no death note of your own, Jas. Surely you must need a few years every so often."
The quee...Jas raises her eyebrows. It bothers Rem the way her eyes are not the same colour as each other..
"How very well-thought-out of you," she comments, and then holds up her hand. "One moment, please."
She gets up again, and turns to the wall behind the table, searching for a moment. Then she selects a photograph of an attractive, raven-haired woman.
"Emma Wakefield," the queen murmurs. "You have passed."
She tosses the photograph into the fire. Rem has seen a similar thing happen before. Those that pass out of the queen's jurisdiction, those that are redeemed, all wind up in the fire.
They say the queen is a part of everyone's hell. A million different versions of her, human and Shinigami and who knows what else.
And she's sick of the distractions. This isn't an easy thing for her to do, as much as she wants to.
"I'm offering you the rest of my life," she says hotly. "All I want in return is for you to let someone out of hell."
"Then I offer you the same answer that I did when you tried to free Mark," Jas says indifferently. "And Misa. And hundreds of other people. No, Rebecca."
"I've never offered to sacrifice my life before."
The queen sighs, and rests her head against the wall.
"Go on, then. Who is it this time?" she asks indulgently.
"Mihael Keehl," Rem replies. "Russian, I believe."
In all her times coming here, she's never seen the queen look startled before.
"Keehl?" the queen asks. She reaches up and touches a photograph high up on the wall. It's a young man with shoulder-length yellow hair. He's very good looking.
Is that him, L?
Does the strange reaction mean she's in with a chance?
"Yes."
The queen puts on hand on her hip.
"You certainly run a hard bargain, Rebecca," she says, after a moment, and then shakes her head. "I am fond of Keehl, but I can't let him go."
"Of course you can. You're the queen. You can do anything you want," Rem counters. She likes Mihael, then. The queen very rarely develops favourites. She has an advantage.
"No," Jas says, drawing herself up to her full height, and Rem shrinks a little. "No. I am fond of you, too, but that doesn't mean I will break the rules. Things must be done properly, Rebecca. I thought you, of all people, might know that."
The queen is always horrifying when she's angry.
"I just don't understand," Rem says, amazed at her own courage. "If you yourself admit that something isn't fair, why can't you fix it? You are the one who controls hell, after all."
Jas sets her cup down and moves to stand next to Rem's chair.
"And you'd die, would you? Just to do this for Lawliet?"
She's cracked, Rem thinks, astonished. I don't believe it.
"Of course," she replies, without hesitation. "My life for Keehl's freedom. For L. Do we have a deal?"
The queen beams at her. Rem has never seen her smile before. Isn't there some sort of fairy tale about that?
The queen will only smile at you once.
Probably another rumour. But Rem feels uncomfortable, all the same.
"I'm afraid not," Jas tells her sadly. "That deal is not possible."
There's something about the way she says it, an odd finality, that makes Rem stand and start backing towards the door.
"That's fine," she says nervously. "I'll just...go back and...keep an eye on him."
She can discuss this another day, when the queen is in a better mood.
"I'm afraid you can't do that either," Jas says softly. "I'm afraid you cannot do anything for Lawliet at all, any more."
"Is that a threat?" Rem asks, gobsmacked.
"That is just the way things are," the queen replies, still smiling. "I'm glad, to be honest. You had me worried you weren't going to make it."
"Make what?" Rem demands. This isn't right. Something is wrong. She needs to get out of here.
"Your time is up," Jas answers, and closes the gap between them in two strides. Rem is trapped.
"You're going to kill me? Why? I've fallen for lots of humans before," she protests, panicked. "It's not as if I've lengthened his life."
"This isn't about you being a Shinigami," Jas says. "Don't you understand? Your time is up. You've passed."
Rem's mouth snaps shut.
No.
"But I've been here so long," she breathes. "You can't. It's not possible. I don't even remember what it was like."
The queen presses a hand to Rem's cheek, her blue-and-green eyes shining. Rem feels her hands and feet turn to sand and crumble.
No. Not again!
She can't talk. She can barely think.
"Rebecca Remira," Jas says reverently. "Do better this time."
L, Rem thinks, and is gone.
L's breakfast consists of half a bowl of sugar, half a bowl of syrup, a few pieces of cereal, and a teaspoon of milk. Since he's gotten up, he's just stayed in his room working at the computer. He's not ready to go outside yet. His self-identity has shifted again, and he needs to be more certain of what he wants to do, of how he's going to treat people.
"I still can't believed you've changed back," Rae says gleefully. "And so easily, too. I guess it's true, what they say about the love of a good woman."
"You wouldn't know good if it slapped you in the face," L replies diffidently. "And please leave Rem out of this."
"That's what you think," Rae replies, and then wanders off, apparently having insulted him satisfactorily.
L sets his bowl aside. He misses Matsuda. He misses Matsuda. And he regrets misjudging him. And he's...he's coming to terms with that. Maybe.
But he still needs to set that aside. He needs to focus on the living, on Naomi and Mail, and Watari. And everyone else in the world.
He hears someone walk into the room, but doesn't look up. He's still musing.
"L! You're okay. I mean, I knew that. I guess I just wanted to see with my own eyes."
L does turn around at that.
"R," he says quietly. "What are you doing here?"
Raye rubs the back of his neck awkwardly.
"When...when Naomi said there was trouble, I jumped on a plane," he explains, fidgeting. "It was stupid, I know, but she sounded so scared. Of course, I knew everything was okay before I even landed. But I...I came anyway."
You agreed not to contact your wife while she was away from base, L thinks. And I told you you wouldn't be allowed to accompany her on any missions.
It seems like there's always one person who won't follow his instructions.
He wonders absently just how good Raye's aim is. He wonders if he'd have shot Light, if he'd been given the chance.
"You shouldn't have," L scolds.
Raye stares at the ground.
"Well, I did," he says. There's neither remorse nor challenge in his voice. He's just stating a fact.
L clicks his tongue.
"It seems to me you need to decide if you are staying or going, Raye Penber," he says softly.
For the first time in months, Raye looks him in the eye.
"You what?" he asks, nervously. "Are you offering me my old job back?"
One corner of L's mouth turns up, in the tiniest hint of a smile.
"Perhaps," he says, vaguely.
Raye frowns.
"What sort of answer is that, you bast-"
"It is there if you want it," L clarifies abruptly. "It is not a decision that is attached to any particular time frame, so please don't feel you need to stand in this room and hassle me."
"You...argh, fine," the older man snarls, seemingly torn between frustration and gratitude.
"Oh, and one more thing," L says, reaching a decision. "You ought to know that as an employee, you are nowhere near as important to me as Matsuda was."
"Fuck you," Raye spits, and L hears the door slam.
"What a nice guy you are," Rae informs him, floating back into the room.
"Two minutes, ten seconds," L informs it. "Time it on the clock, if you don't believe me?"
"Huh? What are you up to, now?"
L does a little more research into potential cases, and finds himself some more cereal. Exactly one hundred and thirty seconds pass. The door swings back open again.
"You miss Matsuda," Raye says accusingly. "You called him by his name!"
"Yes, on both counts," L says softly. He listens to Raye's footsteps coming closer and closer, and the older man puts a hand on his shoulder uncertainly.
"That was your way of grieving, huh?"
"Apparently," L says, keeping his voice light. "But I do what I need to get by. If you want to come back to the team, you need to be aware of that."
He sees Raye smile in the reflection on his monitor.
"Yes, I realise that," he says, voice low. "I want to come back."
L puts his hand over Raye's. They're not far apart in years, but he forgets that because Raye is married. Marriage seems to automatically make someone about ten years older than they are.
"Good," he says. "I'll have Watari bring the paperwork. In the meantime, please go and fetch yourself a spare computer. We're researching potential cases."
"Great," Raye says, sounding ridiculously happy. "Let's find us something to do."
tbc
a/n:
+ EmoLollipop - I swear his hair is brown in the anime. or maybe I'm just colourblind?
+ AmyLisa - if ohba/obata made matt/mello canon, I would die of happy.
+ thank you for your comments.