April 13

Dear Diary,

Rest your little hearts, my sweet future grandchildren. My Jared is alive and well. Err, scratch that.

He's not mine. I don't know why I wrote that. I do silly things sometimes. It didn't mean anything. We'll just ignore that. It was just a teeny tiny mistake. Everyone makes mistakes.

Anyway, Jared is alive and well. Although, it was touch and go to start with.

I had no word from him. I stayed up all night staring at that stupid little cell phone. No call. No text. Nothing. I was starting to lose it. He didn't pick me up for school and then he wasn't in first and second period. I was panicking. Badly. Aysel slapped me to get out of it but even that didn't work. I told her about the bear thing and now she thinks he's mental. She thinks I'm mental too.

Am I mental?

I'm probably definitely mental.

You could tell I was panicking, because I even talked back to a teacher. I don't have the balls to do that usually.

The bell went and I traipsed out, my head down.

Something must of happened, why else would he not be here?

"Kim!" the voice of the most godliest of gods shouted and I turned so quickly I almost fell on my butt. I ran at Jared and flung my arms around his neck for the second time in twenty-four hours. This time he hugged me back.

"Are you okay? What happened? Were you hurt? Did you get it? Was anyone injured? When did you get back?" I asked worriedly.

I quizzed him with about a hundred more questions too.

"Shh, Kim, I'm fine," he said, smiling.

"Don't you ever do that to me again," I breathed and he placed me on my feet and stroked my cheek.

"I won't," he said softly.

I wanted to kiss him so badly. But I couldn't. We're just friends. Good ol' friends.

Yay for friends.

"What happened? Are you okay? Was it bad? Were you hurt? Was anyone hurt?"

He laughed and brushed both of his thumbs across my cheekbones. "Calm down, Kim. It was fine."

I gripped his t-shirt in my hands tightly. "Are you sure?"

His hands rested at the nape of my neck, buried in my hair.

"Yes, Kim," he was really trying not to laugh. "Wasn't it you who was telling me not to worry just last Friday?"

I pursed my lips and looked away.

I understand completely now. The amount of panic I felt at the thought of him not being well... I really don't know what it is that is making me care about him so much, and so quickly, but I can't stand it.

"I'm fine," he said and kissed my forehead.

Suddenly I realised how close we were standing, caught up in each other's arms, in the middle of the hallway and I stepped back.

"Well, I'm glad you're okay," I said slowly, quietly and, as always, awkwardly. He smiled. I punched his shoulder in a friendly fashion. Why? Because I'm an idiot. He laughed and grabbed my hand, pulling me away and I realised that some people were giving us strange looks.

Lucy and Michele later told me that most of the girls in our school now hate me because I 'bagged' Jared. I don't quite know what they mean by that but when I went into the girls' loos today everyone in there glared at me. I don't even get to go out with Jared and yet I'm getting stick for it!

Life isn't fair.

Would it be weird if I asked Jared out?

Okay, that's bullshit. I would never in my life have the guts to ask a guy out. Especially someone as amazing as Jared. I would never ever ever be able to get myself to do that. Some girls don't even care and they'd do it in the blink of an eye. I'd probably worry so much about it before hand that I'd feel sick and then I'd be so worried that I was actually going to be sick in front of him that I'd worry even more and blush and stutter and put the person off me even more. Jared probably wouldn't even say yes. With the amount of fuck ups that I've done lately, he'd probably just laugh in my face or run for the hills as fast as he can.

Nerdy quiet girls like me don't get the high school hottie. It just doesn't happen. Especially not in La Push.

Paul caught me staring blissfully at Jared's face today, admiring the chiselled but yet somehow still rounded features, and laughed for like ten minutes straight because of the stupid look on my face. I'm really not that fond of him. It's not my fault Jared is so gorgeous.

I was telling the girls about how gorgeous and beautiful and stunning he was and Lucy thinks it's weird. She doesn't think you should call a guy 'beautiful'. She thinks guys should be called 'hot'. What's up with that? Has she not seen Jared? Yes, he is hot and sexy but he is also so beautifully stunning. The way he smiles and the look in his eyes and just his general personality, as well as his perfect facial features, means that he is undoubtedly gorgeous.

Oh crap.

I think it's happening. I am falling head first in love with Jared. I'm gonna die. I can't deal with this shit.

No way can this turn out well. Like I said, he won't fall for me too. Which means I'll just grow up old and bitter and alone and make an even bigger fool out of myself along the way.

Every day I can feel myself getting more and more obsessed with him. A lot of people take the people around them for granted. I don't. I seem to notice every single little thing about him that is endearing and then I can't stop thinking about it. I remember everything; all the little tender touches, the jokes and the heart-aching emotion behind his eyes. He's like no other person I know. I can't help but fall for him.

How do you stop it? Surely it's like any other illness? If you recognise and diagnose the problem before it happens then you can cut it out or get rid of it or something? Right? You must be able to stop it before it's too late.

I just can't keep falling for him. Today his ex-girlfriend, Isi, was all over him. She's really pretty. And funny. And confident. And she doesn't make an idiot out of herself everyday. I am no way even competition for her. I've never been in love with anyone before. I don't think I could deal with it if I fell in love with him and he rejected me.

I just can't let that happen. I can't give him the power to break my heart.

I'm gonna Google it.

'10 Ways To Stop Falling In love'

by Kim Conweller

1. List the reasons why you don't want to fall in love with them

He won't love me back. I can see it getting obsessive. The only outcome is me getting embarrassed. He'll probably get a girlfriend soon because he's so damn hot and girls keep throwing themselves at him. And then I'll be heart broken. And then I'll never trust anyone. Then I won't ever fall in love ever again. Then I won't get married or have children. I'll probably turn into a wildly depressed loner, which means I won't be able to get job, which means I won't be able to afford a house, which means I will become a hobo and I DON'T WANT TO BE A LONELY HOBO!

2. List their faults

He lies to me sometimes. He's almost too good looking. He goes off to fight bears at eight o'clock at night with friends who don't wear shoes – that's dangerous and the stress would get to me.

3. Distance yourself

I can't. The thought alone makes me feel sick. If I go more than half a day without seeing him I start to get withdrawal symptoms. Is that really bad?

4. Keep busy to keep your thoughts of them

It wouldn't matter if I was training for the Olympics, working full time, studying for a degree, caring for someone and taking exams all at the same time – I'd still be thinking about Jared. Even when I'm completely shattered I will still lie awake at night for hours thinking about him.

5. Do things you wouldn't be able to do if you were with that certain person

What wouldn't I be able to do if I was with Jared? Think properly? Breathe?

I suppose I wouldn't study as much. I've noticed already that instead of doing homework and revision I'm texting Jared, going out with Jared, walking Zain for twice as long with Jared. So I'll do lots of extra homework. And I'll read more books. I haven't been reading as much lately either.

6. Meet new people

This is impossible when you live on a rez where you already know everyone. Who else can I be friends with? If I randomly went up to people in my year and tried to be friends with them they'd think I'm a freak. Plus, there's nothing wrong with the friends I already have. Maybe I should volunteer at an old people care home. I do like old people.

7. Accept that the feelings may never completely go

Well I already knew that.

8. Be cold hearted – if you treat them mean eventually they'll give up and stop speaking to you

I don't think I'd be able to handle that. I can't physically be mean to Jared because it would upset me too much to hurt him. And the thought of him not wanting to see me, and him not liking me hurts too much. He's so sweet and kind it would be like hitting a puppy. You just can't do something that mean to something so cute.

9. Don't flirt with them and don't get too touchy-feely

Like I said before, I'm not a pro at the whole 'flirting' business. I'm just generally not good around guys. Especially good-looking guys. And I can't stop touching Jared. His skin is always so warm and inviting and I'm always leaning into him and brushing against him and, as of late, throwing myself into his arms for a hug. It's become addictive. I can't get enough of him.

10. Find some else and make out with them

Who? Dan? Oli? Luis? No. I've been friends with them since I was about ten and the thought of kissing them is the same as kissing Jason; yuck. And I can't exactly find a random guy because I would not be able to get them to kiss me. You have to flirt or something. I couldn't do that. I don't even want to kiss someone else. I really wanna kiss Jared.

Oh dear.

I don't think my heart was really in that.

Kim Conweller

I hope you liked this chapter. I cannot take full credibility for the list as a few I stole off the Internet. It's just something a little different that I wanted to do, this whole fanfic is about me trying out new things so please tell me what you think :)

Thanks again to everyone whose reading and especially to those who are favouriting or reviewing.

To Rushforlife and Ashley C - thanks so much for reviewing, I'm glad you liked the last chapter :)