April 28

Dear Diary,

Not so long ago I thought my life was boring. Now it's so far from ordinary that I don't even know how to handle it. What am I supposed to say to the werewolf who informed me that we're soul mates? How are you suposed to react to that? Say 'Oh really? That's nice, you're very good looking so at least I'll have somethng nice to look at for the rest of my life' and pretend it's all simple and easy. I rarely do things simply and easily.

I know that it's been a couple of days now and I should be getting over it but I still don't quite feel used to it. I just can't help but feel a bit… trepidatious. Is that a word or did I just make it up?

Anyway, I'm worried.

Although I do feel better after the little chat we had. I have been dreadfully lucky in that I've still managed to escape scary Momma Thail. When Jared all but dragged me away with him after school yesterday I panicked, but fortunatly had to pick up his little brother too and then babysit him because his mom was out. To say I was relieved would be an understatement.

Unfortunately Jared wanted to talk (I knew we had to but I really didn't want to, the thought of putting it off a little longer was much more appealing) so he kicked his brother upstairs. Jared really doesn't spoil his little brother. If Nathan was my sibling all I would be able to do is hug him; he's just too cute. I'm worried about scaring him if I hug him too much, so I try and hold back but it's so difficult. He's so sweet and innocent looking, even if he's a little shit and likes to wind up Jared till he loses it. He's adorable really.

But the point is, I still don't know what to say to Jared at times. There aren't guides or rules to how you're supposed to do this. I don't get why the hell this imprint thing chose me and I don't know how he feels about it. I knew I should of asked when he first explained but I didn't really digest it. It was all a bit of a blur in my head once I decided to trust what he was telling me. It just doesn't make sense, you know? What the hell makes someone imprint? And then because we hadn't talked about it all I'd done was worry. What if he said he'd wish it was someone else? What the hell would we do then? Can you undo this? Would it hurt or would my feelings go as well? Would I have to return to my mediocre life without the excitement of a hot werewolf being slightly obsessed? The thought alone made me panic beyond control. What if he did want to 'undo' this? What if he ditched me? What if everything went back to how it was, and we weren't even friends anymore? He didn't even look at me, let alone talk to me?

I didn't think I could stand that. Which is why, even though we were in the middle of discussing the extra superhuman abilities that comes with being a werewolf, I blurted out, "Can you take back the imprinting thing?"

His eyes widened in alarm and he froze. "Why? Do you want to?" he asked quietly and slowly.

I froze too. I didn't, of course I didn't. But what if he did? What if he wanted to but he wouldn't if I didn't want to, but secretly he wanted to and only put up with me 'cos he's so nice?

That doesn't even make sense! See what's happened to my mind?

"Do you want to?" I replied in an equally petrified voice.

He shook his head from side to side vehemently and my heart started to beat at a safer speed.

"Sure?" I asked and he nodded quite certainly. I let out a breath. "Okay, good. That's good. I don't want to either."

He smiled and moved closer. "That really is good, because you can't undo this," he said, brushing his finger up my neck to my chin. I tried not to squirm but it tickled quite a lot. His eyes warmed. "You're stuck with me."

I smiled but then realised I didn't quite know what he meant and pulled back.

"What does…" I swallowed and tucked my hair behind my ear, trying to grasp at some form of composure – with difficulty. "What does imprinting mean exactly?" He'd explained the logistics but I still didn't get it.

He sucked and nibbled on his bottom lip, his eyes boring into mine. Why does he always have to do that? Do you think he knows how insane it drives me?

"It can mean whatever you want it to mean," he said softly. I liked that he said that.

He sighed quietly and leant into me, brushing the backs of his fingers against my cheek. "It's just fate telling us that we're meant to be together – not that I'm saying we have to be together together, if you want to be just friends then that's exactly the same. I just... care for you... a hell of a lot. You're the reason for me to keep going, you now? The wolf gets something to fight for, essentially. Something to really cherish, that will make you work a thousand times harder."

I looked down, my cheeks flaming. No guy has ever even professed their love for me and now all of a sudden Jared was saying something that meant so much more. It warmed my heart and made the butterflies in my stomach flitter even faster until I knew that's what I wanted. I want Jared. I want to be with him forever.

He chuckled softly. "Your blush, Kim," he said, smiling and shaking his head. "You're too sweet."

I hit him. "Will you stop making fun of me, Jared!"

"I'm not!" he laughed. He was. "My brain can't fathom how cute you are. I've never had… friends that are as sweet and innocent as you."

I buried my face in his chest. "I hate you so much."

Have I mentioned my love for his chest? It's so warm and hard but yet soft and comforting.

He tried to hide his laughter and then kissed the top of my head.

I took a deep breath and plucked up all the courage I have.

"You know what you just said…"

"Yes," he said slowly, his voice still full of mirth.

"What do you want? Do you want to just be friends, or…" I couldn't say it. I knew we had to face it and talk about it but I couldn't say it.

He pushed my shoulders back so he could see my face, something that I really didn't want. It's much easier to speak when I don't have him staring at me in the way he does. Jared doesn't ever seem to just look at me, it's always so much stronger, like a glare but it's not full of hate it's full of… I don't know. Affection, maybe. I'm not sure. I like it, but it's a little off-putting and can make me even more nervous than I usually am.

"I really like you, Kim. You know that. I… really like you," he said softly, almost proudly. He wasn't afraid to say it and yet I was petrified to say something like that to him, even if I felt the exact same way. It was just insane for someone like him to like me.

"So whatever you want to do, I'm fine with," he ended, his hands finding mine.

I could feel myself on the verge of panicking. What did I say? I could not ask him out or say 'I think you should be my boyfriend'. Is that even what I wanted? If this… imprint thing meant we were soul mates then surely rushing into a relationship isn't a good thing. We should get to know each other first. If we were meant to be together and he'll always be there then we have enough time, don't we? My parents rushed into a marriage and where did that get them? Filing for divorce a couple years down the line. No, we should take our time. Get to know each other. Make sure we know what we're getting into when we're sure that it will work. We'd do it right.

"I think we should get to know each other better first."

I still can't get over the fact that I said that out loud. I wasn't planning on it, I just blurted it out. It's his intense gaze; I feel like it's burning straight through me and then I have to tell him what I'm thinking.

He cupped my cheek with one hand and turned my face so I was looking at him. He was smiling still.

"I'd like that."

I bit my lip and he opened his mouth to speak, but Nathan came barrelling down the stairs.

"JARED!" he shouted. Jared turned to him angrily.

"What do you want?"

"I'm bored!"

"So? What do you want me to do about it?"

"Mom always makes me something to eat when I get home from school," he pouted, putting his hands on his hips in a typically 'Jared' fashion.

Jared's eyes narrowed. "And how is that gonna stop you from being bored?"

Nathan glared at his older brother and I poked Jared in the side. "You're one to talk," I said, smiling. "All you ever do is eat."

Apparently it's because he's a werewolf. It gives him a 'bigger appetite'. I didn't believe that in the slightest, and told him it was a shit excuse for being a fatty. He glared at me with that smouldering glare that makes my insides tingle.

Nathan turned his eyes to me. "Kim, will you get me something to eat, please?"

"Sure," I said, smiling as I stood up. He took my hand and dragged me though to the kitchen, and pulled a 'in your face' look at Jared on the way.

I could still hear him groaning and mumbling in the lounge until he eventually followed us though a couple of minutes later.

"I told you not to make eye contact with him. Now he's never gonna leave you alone," Jared mumbled to me, crossing his arms and standing next to Nathan, who was sitting on the counter.

"I'm telling Mom you said that," he whined.

"Fine. I'll tell Mom you were the one who broke her purple vase," Jared retorted.

Nathan harrumphed and crossed his arms. "That's so unfair!"

"You should have done what I said then."

I smiled as I stood there and watched the two brothers standing side by side, bickering with their arms crossed in the exact same way. It was so blaringly obvious that they were related. If it wasn't just the way their faces were almost exactly the same (even if Jared's was nearly twice as big and much more mature looking), it was the way they acted that gave it away.

"It's not my fault I'm hungry!"

"I asked for five minutes alone with Kim without you butting in! I'm sure your starving stomach could have waited!"

"Mom would ground you for weeks and weeks if she knew how mean you were to me."

"No she wouldn't, she'd congratulate me. You're adopted, remember?"

"KIM!" Nathan screamed. "Tell him to stop saying that! Mom and Dad said I wasn't adopted and he was just being mean! Tell him off!"

I continued to smile at them. "Jared, you're seventeen, leave him alone. It doesn't take long to make him a sandwich."

"I can't believe you're taking his side!" Jared exclaimed, absolutely appalled.

Nathan smiled proudly and Jared glared at him. "It's a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. My favorite." It was Jared's favorite too.

"I don't care. Kim, can you make me that fish finger sandwich now please?"

"That's no fair!" Nathan whined. "I want that, can I have that?"

"No. You're both having peanut butter and jelly. Stop arguing."

I turned back around to finish what I was doing and I had to try incredibly hard not to laugh as they both huffed and puffed behind me.

Jared turns into such a child when he's around his brother. But he's still so adorable.

Ooh, I have news!

I know I didn't really explain all of the werewolf stuff very well but I'm starting to understand it all a bit more now so I'll explain before telling you the new stuff. Paul, Sam and Embry are also all werewolves. Sam is the 'Alpha', which basically means he's the 'top dog' (forget the dream of journalism, I should be a comedian) and in charge. He can also do this command thing and then all the other guys (just the werewolves, not everyone) have to do what he says. Which is why the other day when we going for a walk and they came out the bushes when Sam said he had to go with them, he had to leave and that also explains why Jared pretty much ran to mine, because Sam told him to 'be quick'. Apparently he felt really guilty about leaving me but he can't deny his alpha's orders, no matter what. I didn't like that. Out of all of the stuff Jared has been telling me I think that's one of the cruellest things. I really could not stand to let someone have that power over me. Jared told me that Sam wouldn't ever make them do anything that wasn't in their best interest but I still wouldn't like it.

Oh, and Jared was the 'Beta', which is like second in command, because he was second to phase. But that's all changed now, which is the new news, – Jacob (one of the boys who was Embry's old friend that glared at us) phased today. And his ancestors are like the main chief people or something (I'm still not fluent with the werewolf lingo) so he is naturally supposed to be the Alpha wolf, so Sam offered to step down but Jacob didn't want to be an Alpha, and so now he's just the Beta. Which personally I think is better, but Jared said they wouldn't have minded either way. I know I'd feel a bit weird having an Alpha who was younger and phased later on.

What the hell am I even talking about? I don't have any clue what having an Alpha feels like! This shit is too much for my brain.

When Jared went off and I thought he was fighting bears, he was actually hunting vampires. How freaking insane is that? I had a massive panic attack and wouldn't stop fussing over him when he told me that today. He calmed me down although I think he liked the attention. I can't stand the thought of him being out there with the possibility that he could get hurt or worse; that he won't come back at all. He promised me that he would come back to me no matter what, and it made me feel a little bit better but I can't help but worry.

Which is why I worried no end today; Jared called me before school to tell me he wouldn't be coming into school as they were all having to look after Jacob and try and get him to phase back, but promised he'd see me later, which I'd been looking forward to the whole day. So when Jared called me at eight o'clock at night and I pretty much screamed down the cell that I needed to see him, you can't really blame me.

He chuckled. "I missed you too, Kim."

I pouted, then remembered we were on the phone and felt a bit stupid. "I'll be outside yours in about ten seconds," he started, "do you want to –"

"Yep," I cut him off before he could finish, already getting up and pulling on a sweater. "See you in ten seconds!" I then hung up and jumped the stairs, pulling on my shoes at the door in record time.

"I'm going out, see you!" I called but oh no, my Mom can't let anything be easy.

"Where are you going?" she called as I impatiently eyed the door.

"Out." She didn't reply. "For a walk."

"Again?"

I didn't reply this time and she emerged from the kitchen, Scott flagging her left side.

"Are you going out with this boy Scott was telling me about?"

I stifled the groan. It would be so much easier if I just lied but I knew it would probably only turn out wrong. Jared would probably knock on the door straight after and I'd be busted. I don't have the guts to lie.

"Yes," I admitted and she sighed.

"It's a school night."

"I'll be back for eleven." She looked at me. "Ten?" I offered. I don't know why it's that much of a big deal.

"I'd rather you didn't go out at all. It's getting late already."

"It's eight…" I said.

"Can't you wait till you see him at school tomorrow?"

I groaned and tried to come up with a really good reason.

"We have to discuss school work…"

She looked at me disbelievingly and crossed her arms.

"Please, Mom," I begged and she sighed and looked at Scott. He placed his hand on her arm and I grinned.

"Fine. But be back before it gets too dark."

"Yes! Thank you Mom! Love you, bye!" I ran out the door just as Jared was coming out of the woods.

I ran and then flew into his arms. "I missed you so much!"

His warm arms folded around me and I wrapped my legs around him before I even realised I was doing it. His hands went under my thighs and he hitched me up to his waist effortlessly (again, he gets a pat on the back for not showing any visible signs of struggle) before his hands rested on my hips. I tried not to think about it. The skin he touched did not tingle. We're just friends. That was my decision.

Do friends jump on their friends and wrap their legs around them?

No, I don't think they do.

He held me tightly and buried his face in my hair and I suddenly didn't care. He sighed softly and my heart thudded so loudly in my chest I knew he could hear it.

"You drive me crazy, Kim," he said softly and I pulled back and stroked his face. He's so beautiful.

I stared at him for a while until the beating of my heart slowed to a more normal and safe speed.

"Does this, being apart I mean, does it get easier?" I whispered. All day it felt like... like I was missing a part of myself.

"I don't know," he said. "Sam says it's the same with Emily still. He can't go a day without seeing her either."

I nodded and started to run my hands through his short hair before I even noticed I was doing it. I only realised because Jared's eyes flitered close and he leant into my touch. My heart fluctuated.

"How are they now after… what happened?" I pulled my hands away and tried to act normal, even if my legs were wrapped around him like it was normal.

"She's almost completely recovered physically… she'll always have scars though," he replied tightly, looking away solemnly.

A little while ago, before Jared or Paul phased Sam was alone by himself, without a clue what the hell was going on. He split up with his girlfriend Leah because he couldn't trust himself to be around her but unfortunately met and then imprinted on her cousin, which explains the massive rumours about them. Apparently they both feel awful and Sam still loves Leah, but he's fallen in love with Emily too. Emily, angry at Sam as well as herself for hurting Leah, shouted at him and then they got into an argument. Sam lost control for a split second and he phased (they turn into a wolf when they get angry after they shake a lot – I still haven't managed to ask Jared to show me his phasing) too close to her, catching her with his claws in the process. Apparently the guilt nearly killed him.

When Lucy and Michele were talking about how Leah's cousin started to date her boyfriend I automatically assumed Emily was heartless. Who would do something like that to someone they cared for, let alone their own family? But when Jared explained it all, and I brought in my feelings for Jared, I knew that I probably wouldn't have been strong enough to deny spending time with Jared if I were in her situation. I'd hate myself for it but this 'imprint' is too strong.

"I feel so sorry for Emily and Sam. And Leah. Especially Leah."

Although Emily will have the scars for life, the emotional scars for Leah seem like they'd cut a lot deeper.

"Emily keeps going on about wanting to meet you," Jared said, eager for a change of subject, I could tell.

"I'd like that," I said, not having to force the smile that came to my face. And I really didn't. She could be the one person that I didn't have to hide this from. I was going crazy having to sort this shit out in my head alone. I wanted to know how the hell she managed to do it, with the stress of the love triangle added in too.

"How is Jacob?" I asked and Jared shrugged.

"He'll be alright. He's a bit gutted at the moment, though."

I frowned. "How so?"

"There's this girl from Forks he's got a thing for."

I was still frowning. "And…"

"Well, he can't exactly tell her what he is, can he? And he can't spend time with her, not when he could hurt her."

"I don't understand," I said slowly and he stopped walking and put me back down. "Why can't he tell her? Why can't he spend time with her?"

He seemed confused by my confusion. "We have to distance ourselves from normal people because we're a danger to everyone. And we can't go around telling every Tom, Dick and Harry what we are."

I was silent for a while, trying to digest what he was telling me. It takes a while to digest all of this stuff.

"Why don't you distance yourself from me? Not that I want you to, mind. But why did you tell me what you are when they're not allowed to tell anyone?"

He realised why I was confused and he looked at the ground.

"Because you're not every Tom, Dick or Harry. You're special, Kim. You're really special to me and I had to tell you because I can't stand lying to you and I… I can't distance myself from you because I'm not strong enough." He looked up into my eyes and placed his hands either side of my face. "But you have to know that I would never hurt you. Never. I've been in Sam's head and I know how he feels and I couldn't live with that. The thought of hurting you tears me apart. I'd never ever lose control in front of you, I swear."

I shook my head, his hands moving with it. "I don't worry that you would. I trust you, Jared."

He smiled and kissed my forehead. "Good."

"It just doesn't seem fair," I said after getting lost in his warm embrace for a few more minutes.

He shrugged. "You have to sacrifice some things for what we are, it's just another part of the job. Jacob is just having a bit of trouble dealing with that because she's in a bit of a crap situation. Her vampire boyfriend ran away and it hit her pretty hard – Jacob was the one left picking up the pieces."

I looked at him in alarm. "I'm sorry, Jared, can we rewind that a second? Did you say vampire boyfriend?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"What the hell!"

He laughed and nodded again, smiling at my horrified look. "Her name is Bella Swan. God knows how Jacob managed to fall for a girl in love with a vampire, but he did. Bit of an unlucky coincidence, I have to say."

"I still don't get why she was in a relationship with a vampire, Jared! You said they eat people! Why would you want to date someone who likes to eat people?"

He smiled. "They don't eat, they drink. Vampires suck the blood out of someone."

"That doesn't make it better!" I was so disguisted. "Did he drink her blood?"

"No, if he did then she'd be a vampire. Anyway, they, her ex-boyfriend and his family, don't drink human blood; they feed off animals."

I crinkled my nose up. "That's still revolting."

Imagine kissing a mouth that had been latched onto a living animal's body, sucking the life and blood out of a harmless, defenceless creature... Ew. I know we eat animals but we don't eat them while they're still alive or raw or anything like that.

"Mmm, I don't get how anyone could like a leech," Jared spat the word out but didn't seem anywhere near as appalled as I was. "But I suppose you don't choose who you fall in love with."

I stared into his eyes and I realised it was true. I thought she was weird as hell for wanting to date a vampire, but I wanted to date a werewolf, didn't I? But yet it doesn't feel weird at all. Is that how weird my life has become? That I don't even think it's abnormal anymore to want to date a person who turns into an animal? I'm standing here talking about supernatural beings like it's an every day topic! Why am I not freaking out about this?

Sometimes it would be so much easier to just go back to being normal and boring. But when Jared kissed my nose and smiled that gorgeous smile of his, I knew that it was worth it. I had never experienced pure happiness on this level before Jared came into my life. Even if he was a vampire-hunting werewolf.

You don't choose who you fall in love with – which is why that list didn't help at all, I suppose. It was just something that was going to happen whether you wanted it to or not. Like Jared said, it was fate.

I never believed in fate before. I quite like believing in it.

Kim Conweller

Thanks again everyone for your support and for reading! Please let me know what you thought of it :)