April 29

Dear Diary,

I'm the biggest douche in the world.

Let me tell you about my day, where I acted like a douche and did douchey stuff because I have stupid douchey life.

"Okay," Jared said as he pushed me down onto his bed and sat opposite me. "Getting to know each other."

I smiled as I moved to cross my legs, facing him. It should have sounded awkward but it didn't.

"Twenty questions," he said, grinning. "Go."

I groaned but he wouldn't stop that silly grin so I gave in. "Umm… favorite… color?"

His grin fell. "Seriously, Kim? That's pathetic."

He shook his head at me as I giggled and apologised. "That doesn't count and you miss your go," he said, very dissapointed with me. Twenty questions is very serious, you know.

I pouted and he rolled his eyes. "What's your favorite movie, after Jurassic Park?"

"I Am Legend," I answered without a second thought. "Even though the dog dies and I cried like a baby at that, Will Smith is a freaking god."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Not many people can pull of a film when they're basically the only actor in it. Plus, did you see his… err, never mind."

Jared narrowed his eyes at me. I may have been going on to discuss how buff he was in that film but decided I should probably keep my mouth shut.

He huffed at me once more but let it slide. "So, you're not a chic-flic kind of girl?"

"Uh uh, you've just had your go. It's my turn." He crossed his arms but smiled anyway. He was topless and I realised that he was actually a lot better looking than Will Smith. Which was no small feat because I've always had a thing for him. Even back in the Fresh Prince days. Oh god, I can't believe I just admitted that. If anyone ever reads this diary then I'll just die on the spot because there is so many embarrasing things that I've written down and admitted to.

"Okay," I said, dragging my eyes away from Jared's beautiful torso and getting my head together. "If you had the choice between staying as you are or having never changed into a werewolf, what would you chose?"

He rubbed his jaw. "I'd stay as I am." My eyebrows rose. "You're surprised?"

"You're quite lazy, I'd of thought that you would rather without having to patrol every day," I replied, smiling although that wasn't really why.

He flicked my head and then thought of another question. "If you had to live on an island with only one person for the rest of your life, who would it be?" he asked, a cheeky glint in his eyes. He knew the answer would be him.

"Will Smith," I lied. Jared's mouth hung open. "I think he'd be really helpful. And if worst comes to worst and I died at least I'd get to stare at him"

He was still staring at me with a gaping mouth and I couldn't hold it in anymore. The corners of my mouth twitched and he jumped on me, tickling me.

"You cheeky little shit!"

I laughed and giggled and squirmed and shrieked until he finally gave up.

"I knew you were lying. Who would it really be?"

"No, Jared, it's my go again! What don't you get about this game? We take it in turns."

He let me sit up but instead of moving back to how we were he stayed next to me, our bodies close.

"Yeah, well you lied so that means we skip your go again and it goes back to me," he said. "Who would it really be?"

"You can't just keep making up rules as you go along!" I complained.

"My house, my rules," he replied, smirking as he wrapped one arm around my back and pulled me even closer.

"Fine," I relented. "It would be you," I admitted. "I could make you do all the hard work like making the shelter and stuff like that. And hunting, you'd probably be good at that, considering."

"And you'd do all the cooking and cleaning," he smirked and I gaped at him.

"Jared Thail! That better not have been a sexist remark or you're a dead man!"

He laughed and held his hands up in surrender. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I know you're not that type of girl."

I still glared and he smiled and kissed my head. "Fine. My go. Do you kiss all your friends as much as you do me?" I teased, and then wished dreadfully that I could retract it.

Note to Kim: You cannot flirt. Do not ever try it again. No matter how great it sounds in your head, it will come out completely different.

"Don't you want me to?" he asked, pulling away slowly.

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.

"I suppose we did say just friends..." he said, scratching his neck.

"That's probably why all my friends think I'm lying when I say we're just friends," I agreed. Why? Because I'm stupid.

I mean, I guess I had noticed that we were physically pushing the 'friend' boundaries, what with the kissing and hugging and touching, but it wasn't like I didn't like it. Sure, it was a little difficult to try and work out what was going on between us and I suppose we were sort of leading each other on, if we were just going to be friends, but I liked it. I liked him touching me and kissing me.

"Right. Sorry."

After Jared dropped me off I came home, screamed into my pillow, very nearly banged my head into the door a couple times and then went off to find Jason to take my frustration out on him. But did I tell Jared that I really wanted to kiss his face off? No.

Why do I say these stupid things? Yes, it was difficult to try and hold myself back when he was being so sweet and kind and unfriend-like, but that didn't mean I wanted him to stop! In fact, instead of him kissing my head and cheek, I wanted him to kiss my freaking mouth. How is it I manage to actually go backwards?

I'm such an idiot.

"Kim?" Jared asked tentatively and I looked up at him. "Do you… want me to stop hugging you? And holding your hand?"

That's when I really started to panic. It sounds silly to worry about it but it's just so easy to touch him and it just feels so good. I never feel as relaxed as I do in his arms. The thought of not touching him for… well, until we moved out of the friendship realm (which I don't know when will happen because I don't seem to have the ability to get out of there, even when he quite plainly implies that he thinks we should) made me feel sick. I just wouldn't be able to keep my hands off him.

"Erm… friends hold hands… and hug…" I replied slowly and he grinned. He brushed my cheek with his thumb lightly. "And stroke each other's faces."

He laughed and pulled back. "Okay, my turn. What is it about me that you like the most?"

It was my jaw that dropped this time. I couldn't honestly believe it.

"Your modesty," I replied dryly and he laughed.

"I told you, no lying." At my look he grinned. "What? There's no point being modest when you're this hot," he joked.

I stard at him and he just stared back, waiting.

I sighed and gave in. I was gonna have to answer it. "Do you mean physically or my favorite thing about you as a person generally?"

"Both."

"One question at a time, Jared." I sighed again. "Erm, I don't know. Physically, I love your eyes. And your dimples. And your stomach. And your arms. And your back. And your face, of course. And you don't have a bad –" I bit my tongue to stop myself speaking.

Why do I never stop talking? I'm glad I stopped before I went on to talk about his ass. Why am I so embarrassing? Why do I keep talking when I should just keep these things inside?

"Err," I raked my brain to try and find something that could fit onto the rest of that sentence. "Haircut."

His eyebrows rose.

"I never knew you liked this haircut so much," he replied, astonished.

He wasn't astonished. He was making fun of me big time.

"Yep. I sure like short hair," I replied.

Why? Why? Why?

A smirk played at his lips but he managed to hold in the laugh that I knew was threatening to break free.

"Right, and your favorite things about me that aren't physical?"

Good, I'd thought. Less embarrassing.

"Your laugh. Your kindness. How you make me laugh so much. How you care so much. The way you –" I could of gone on forever. He was still smirking. I shoved him and he laughed.

"You're so sweet, Kim. I l–" he froze, his mouth already forming the next word, "–like you a lot."

I smiled and he tried to return one through his grimace. It didn't work. We sat in an awkward silence for a bit.

"Erm, if you had to live off one type of food for the rest of your life, what would it be?" I asked. Food is always a great distraction when it comes to Jared. And if worked in diffusing the awkward 'what was he just going to say?' moment.

"Sandwiches. You can get so many different ones. I'd choose sandwiches hands down."

I rolled my eyes at him. He really is very obsessed with sandwiches. I don't really get it.

I looked at him expectantly and he bit his lip.

"Why don't you see your dad?" he asked softly. "Am I allowed to ask that? You don't have to answer."

I shrugged. "I used to see him. Mom and him split up just before I turned one and I saw him a little bit. But he's a lawyer like Mom so he was always quite busy. And then he missed Jason's thirteenth birthday and so Jason called him a dick and told him to fuck off, and he did."

Jared stroked my hand tenderly. "Do you miss him?"

"Not really. I feel guilty about it, but I just don't. I didn't know him well enough to miss him, you know? I don't really remember him that much. His work was always first priority. Sure, it would probably be nicer if I had a dad who cared but I think I've done okay without him. Plus, Scott's great."

His hand gently curled around mine and brought it to his mouth. He stopped just before it reached his lips.

"Err… can I kiss your hand?"

I laughed and nodded, causing him to grin and kiss my hand dramatically.

"He's stupid not to put the effort into seeing you," he said softly.

I shrugged.

"It's okay, Jared. It honestly is."

He forced a smile and tugged my hair. I smiled back at him and wanted to kiss him.

"My turn," I said, trying to lighten the mood a bit. "If you had to make out with one of the guys from the 'pack', who would it be?"

Jared's eyes grew horrified and his mouth opened into a disgusted gawk. "Are you kidding me?"

I grinned. "You have to answer – it's the rules."

"Kim, you're so disgusting that I don't even want to spend time with you anymore."

I threw my head back and laughed at the petrified and revolted look on his face.

"Okay, okay!" I folded, still giggling. "You don't have to answer that. But I know a name popped into your head."

"Kim!" he shouted, repulsed by the mere thought. "That's just disturbing!"

I laughed again and fell into his side. He draped his arm over me and gently dragged his fingers up and down my arm. I remembered how I mentioned how we didn't just act like friends physically. Then I remembered that I just didn't give a fuck. It felt nice. Who cares if we're just friends? Sue me. I like the feel of his skin on mine. I like it when he kisses me. It's not ordinary or right but then our relationship isn't ordinary or right, is it? He's a freaking a werewolf and I'm his freaking 'soul mate'! We're allowed to stray through the friend/relationship barrier every once in a while while we sort this out.

"If you had to make out with one of the guys from the pack who would it be?" he asked in that flirty, cheeky, teasing way.

"Erm, Embry I think," I replied without leaving a moments thought. "He's really sweet. And cute. Yeah, he's really very cute. Definitely him."

Jared pushed me down and climbed on top of me, tickling me again.

I kicked and thrashed about but he was too strong to budge.

"Jared Thail!" I shouted. "Get off me right now!"

Eventually he pulled away and I could breathe properly again. He sat back onto my legs and stared. I sat up, my cheeks flushed from laughing too much. I breathed heavily and he continued to stare. I looked down and he cleared his throat and climbed off me.

"You better have been lying, missus, or you're in deep trouble," he joked in a very jealous voice, glaring at me with those deliciously flirty eyes. I can't even think properly when he looks at me anymore. "And if you think you're going anywhere near Call again then you've got another thing coming."

He grabbed my hand and pulled me off the bed. He always seems to be dragging me behind him. Like I said before, he can be a bit lazy. But when he does something, he does it fast and with energy and zest. He never seems to do things half-heartedly. I love that about a person. I suppose that's a characteristic that dear old dad never had when it came to parenting.

I continued to laugh as he led me out of his room and down the stairs. "Jared," I said. It was now or never. I needed to stop putting it off. "Will you show me how you turn into a wolf?"

He stopped on the stairs and turned around, looking up at me in confusion. "What?"

"Like, will you 'phase' in front of me?"

He continued to look at me in that confused way. "There is no way in hell that I'll phase in front of you, Kim!"

"Oh, Jared!" I moaned, putting my hands on his shoulders because I was up a few steps and we were actually at the same height for once. "Please!"

"No!" he replied, not even taking my request into consideration. "You know what happened to Emily. I promised I wouldn't lose control in front of you and I'm not gonna."

"But I'll be at a safe distance! There's no way you'll hurt me, and you have full control of yourself once you're phased so what's the big deal?"

He cringed and looked away. I placed my hands on his face and brought his large head to look at me. "Please Jared, I promise I won't get too close. I just really want to see it for myself. You don't know how difficult it is to just take what you're telling me as the truth without actually knowing first hand what you are."

He sighed and leant into my hands, staring at me. "I don't want you to see me like that, Kim," he whispered and my heart broke.

"Why?"

Jared pulled my hands from his face and moved up to the step I was standing on. "Because you're so small." I frowned, a little bit offended, but he carried on. "You're so sweet and kind and breakable. You're innocent and vulnerable and I don't want to ruin that, it was hard enough to tell you that but for you to actually see me..." He ran his hand through his haid. "I'm a... werewolf. We're so different that it's insane."

I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around him. He sighed after the heartfelt confession and my heart swelled with love for him.

"Don't say it like that, Jared," I said, my voice slightly muffled by his chest. "Being a werewolf doesn't make you a monster. I know that. And we're supposed to be getting to know each other, and I want to know every side of you, wolf included. I've already accepted what you are, I just want to see it for myself to get a greater understanding."

He gently stroked my hair and then leant his head on top of mine. "I'll think about it," he mumbled and I squeezed my arms around him.

"Thank you, Jared!"

Another sigh escaped his lips and he shook his head, taking my hand and continuing the descent down the stairs.

Jared drove me home, with his little brother in the back because his parents weren't at home and he was on babysitting duty. Not that Nathan is a baby. He's about eight, I think. Although he's got that cheeky glint in his eyes like Jared and he's got the mind of a guy double his age. He acts innocent and steals my heart but I know for a fact he knows what he's doing.

"Is Kim your girlfriend yet, Jared?" Nathan asked, getting a glare from his older brother.

"No, she's not."

"Why? You told Mom you want her to be your girlfriend."

"Nathan! Shut the hell up!"

"Why don't you want to be Jared's girlfriend, Kim?" he asked and I blushed as I looked between the two siblings.

"Err…"

"You don't have to answer that," Jared told me quickly before glaring at his brother again in the reer-view mirror. "She doesn't have to answer that. Shut up right now Nathan or you're going to bed straight after dinner."

Nathan crossed his skinny little arms. "You're not allowed to send me to bed, only Mom can."

"No, I can too because I'm in charge when Mom's out."

Nathan poked his tongue out at himand Jared caught sight of it in the mirror. His eyes narrowed as he tried to carry on driving as calmly as possible. We pulled up at my house and Jared unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to his brother, pointing his finger. "Stay right there or I'll kick your ass!"

Nathan glared as Jared hopped out and opened my door.

I said goodbye to Nathan and got out, smirking at Jared.

"Wow, you'd be a great dad," I laughed but then kicked myself as Jared looked down. "I was just joking – I'm sure you'd be a wonderful father."

"Do you want to have children?" he asked softly as he walked me to my door, holding my hand in his. It felt like a cocoon. Warm, comforting and safe.

"Erm, yes. I think so."

He nodded. "Me too."

I was suddenly very worried about what we were talking about. I did not want to talk about that.

"In the future," I added. It was difficult to know what he was getting at, what with the whole 'soul mate' and the imprinting and the 'mate for life' and the 'passing on genes' business we've been talking about a lot lately.

I'm sixteen. I do not want to be thinking about children. Although, if I were to have children I would definitely want the father to be Jared, even if he doesn't get on with his brother I knew he would be good with his own children. And his children would be really cute, I'd imagine. Even if they had my geeky genes. He's just really –

I can't believe I'm thinking about children.

If Mom read that she'd roast me alive. Sure, I love kids and everything but I don't think Jared and I should start making plans now. Oh god.

"Erm, I should probably go before Nathan takes the car for a joy ride."

I smiled and nodded. He leant into kiss my cheek like he always did when we said goodbye but then stopped, remembering the stupid thing I said earlier, and withdrew.

"See you tomorrow, Kim," he said softly and I did a stupid little wave. I'm pretty sure as he turned I saw him mouthing 'Just friends' but I couldn't be sure.

Why the hell did I tell him not to kiss my cheek! God, why is this such a mess?

One minute I tell him he can't kiss me because we're just friends and the next I'm thinking about freaking children? It's this 'imprint' thing. It's making me a bit doolaly. I really need to get a grip.

Kim Conweller

Okay, so you're all probably hating me right now because you're all desperate for them to have a good snog so I'm sorry! I was going to make them hurry up a bit but once I've read through the next few chapters they're all sort of paramount to their relationship or for things that happen later on so unfortunatly you're gonna have to hold out for a bit of action for a while! The next chapter is going to be a bit lighter and less about how they're changing/feeling and is just a bit of fun, which I hope you'll like so that will be up within the next few days.

Thanks again everyone for reading and especially those reviewing, I absolutely love reading what you guys think of it, you're all so kind!