notes/warnings
+ swearing, past abuse, etc etc.
+ also warning for some fairly sexually-charged thoughts
Want
"One of the benefits of divided remote surveillance," L declares, "is that I can eat as much chocolate as I like, without consequence."
He helps himself to another piece of torte. Rae rolls its eyes at him. It seems to be annoyed by everything that he does.
"You can stop rhapsodising about your food now," it says derisively. "You heard the most recent conversation, I take it?"
"Yes, and then I saw Naomi nod at nothing, after Takada fell asleep," L surmises. "The two of you were communicating, I presume?"
"No, she's just gone mad. Of course we were communicating, you idiot!"
L stops, a forkful of velvety chocolate halfway to his mouth.
You idiot.
Matsuda.
I miss you, you idiot.
"And Naomi has indicated that she actually does want to save Takada, if she possibly can. I'm not sure what she wants to save her from, other than Big Jason and a non-existent Light, but I think this could be seriously problematic."
L forces himself to concentrate.
"Naomi is compassionate," he murmurs. "That is both a weakness and a strength."
"A weakness, I'd say," Rae snorts. "Did you see them making out?"
"One kiss is not making out," L replies, arguing semantics, buying himself a little time to think.
He hasn't informed Naomi of his suspicions of the hell-god's interference, of course. And until L knows more about him, there's little point in worrying Naomi over the possible existence of a probably-unbeatable enemy.
But there is something that she ought to know, now. Something that he hasn't told her yet. Something that he kept secret from all of them, because he was trying to protect Mail.
But perhaps now would be the time to tell his deputy.
He trusts her.
"You are missing the point!" Rae snaps.
"No, I am not missing the point," L informs it primly. "I am supportive of Naomi's decision to try and save Takada. If nothing else, that should bring us to the attention of the hell-god. And I would very much like a word with him."
"Not this again," Rae grits, clenching its fists. "Look, I've told you-"
"And you have also proven that you have no rational argument," L interrupts.
He feels strangely tense. Rae makes everything tense. Sometimes L feels like his Shinigami is going to explode out of sheer force of hatred for him, and kill a lot of bystanders in the process. Sometimes he finds it harder to think when he's around Rae, maybe because he's always waiting for some disparaging criticism of his actions, his decisions, his life.
Sometimes he wonders if it's just because he misses brown-eyed Rae so damn much.
"It is time that Naomi knew what we know about the redemption possibility," L continues. "If she wishes to try and save Kiyomi Takada, then she ought to at least know what she is up against. However, she does not need to know my theories regarding the god of hell."
"Interesting," Rae concedes. "So you are...convinced that Takada is still in hell, even though she is here?"
"Ninety-one percent," L confirms. "It is likely, based on past events. Her name and lifespan have not become any clearer?"
"Not at all."
"And Naomi's lifespan still has plenty of time left?"
"Ha ha. Subtle."
L smiles.
"Worth a try."
"You couldn't outsmart a can of tomatoes, Lawliet. I'm worried for everyone who looks up to you."
L stares at his loaded fork, and then places it back on the plate, untouched.
"Do we always have to part company on such bitter terms, Shinigami?" he wonders.
"Yes, because I hate you," Rae tells him, and leaves.
Naomi lies on her back, both arms stretched out over her pillow, trying to force her aching head to make sense of everything she's just learned.
There is a...a way out of hell. A way out. A choice. A chance for redemption.
It is a good thing, of course. Naomi wholeheartedly supports the notion of giving people second chances. She hates the idea that there are people out there who are tortured for all eternity.
Even if hell is what keeps Light locked up, far, far away from L.
And Takada...Takada certainly fits the bill. She's been tormented since she died, and now here she is, thrust into some bizarre situation. It makes sense that this is her opportunity.
From what Rae told her, L seems to be under the impression that the redemption chance cannot be influenced by anyone other than the person themselves. Otherwise, Naomi is certain he'd be pulling out all of the stops to try and save his Mello. Perhaps now, with Takada being here in the real world, he is beginning to have his doubts about that, as well.
It's been the night for doubts, apparently.
Kiyomi Takada is sleeping against her side. She fell asleep almost immediately after Naomi agreed to save her, which is telling in itself. She's clearly been terrified to the point of exhaustion, probably for a long time.
No one deserves that.
Not even...well, maybe Light. But only Light.
In the morning, Takada will either awkwardly like her, or viciously hate her. Naomi is hoping for the former, of course. She needs to save Takada in under forty-eight hours. Vitriol is only going to make that already-impossible task even more difficult.
But still. L agrees. He agrees with her plan, and that's pretty amazing. He's obviously happy with her work so far. As happy as he can be, all frightened and alone in his van, with Rae dropping by to insult him every so often.
If he knew how you felt about him, perhaps he'd feel safe, too, she thinks.
But of course, she can't say that out loud, either.
Sometimes, just sometimes, you get these strange mental flashes. Flashes of things that never happened; impossible things.
Daydreams. Just daydreams. No other explanation for it.
You see Jasmine and Gemma dissolve to nothing. You see the seams in the sky crack open and come apart, apocalyptic and wonderful. You see a grainy, distorted image of Matt, full of wounds and bleeding to death.
The flashes never last long, but they make you feel strange. Incapacitated and angry and panicked and bizarrely…hopeful.
You know. You know you're going mad. It's only a matter of time.
Takada wakes slowly, reluctantly, immediately aware of everything that has happened, and everything she's done.
The uncertainty hangs over her like a curse.
What…what have I done?
She can undo it, of course. She can tell Naomi that she was simply feeling vulnerable last night, and that Naomi must be content with being unrequited, and go about her business as if nothing ever happened. Naomi will tolerate that. Naomi will do as she asks.
And…her Light. She cannot abandon her Light. She loves Light. She must love Light, because she must be prepared to risk her life in order to save him.
But…Naomi will do as she asks. And, god. To feel safe.
She has not slept so soundly in…months? Years?
No, she must choose. She must decide to be selfish or decide to be selfless. She must make that choice.
Fingers push through her hair, unexpected and pleasant. Takada jerks and looks up. Naomi smiles at her from the armchair next to the bed. She has a book open in her lap. She is not the least bit intimidating or demanding.
You.
You are.
Takada knows that she must choose Light.
But perhaps…she doesn't have to decide just yet. She can pretend to think about it.
She touches Naomi's hand.
"Most of the women here have been hurt in some way," Takada explains. "That is not why I accepted them, of course. Disciples are chosen based on merit and devotion to Kira. The statistic is incidental."
"A cross-section of the world we live in?" Naomi asks, biting her lip. "That is truly terrible."
"Yes," Takada agrees. "We need Kira now, more than ever."
"It's a good thing we've got you, then," Naomi says affectionately.
Takada pointedly ignores that statement.
"In the first world, Leah was severely debilitated by disease. Her son was her designated carer. He beat her on a regular basis. She killed herself to escape."
"Dear god," Naomi replies, genuinely horrified. "That's…but she seems too cheerful."
"She tells me it is amazing just to have legs that work," Takada replies somberly. "She has a very positive disposition. Margaret, on the other hand, struggles with her past demons. She was robbed at knifepoint, and never recovered, psychologically. She has done well under training, though. She tells me she feels safer now that she is able to wield a weapon with confidence."
Then, perhaps you really have done something good, Naomi thinks.
"I'm pleased to hear that," she says, out loud.
"Grianna's problems were more…domestic. Her first husband turned her daughter against her, and then shot her and her second husband dead in a jealous rage."
Two husbands, huh? Possibly more? Being a supermodel must be an unstable life, I guess.
"Is that why she's so angry all the time?" she wonders. "I thought Kira gave people peace."
"He will," Takada replies, voice heavy. "Give it a little time, Naomi. Not everyone has your faith."
Takada pauses, then, and eyes her carefully.
"You do still want to restore Kira, right?" she asks.
"I will do anything you ask me to," Naomi replies dutifully.
"Even if he takes me away from you?"
"I expect nothing from you but guidance," Naomi tells her. "Anything more is a blessing, and one I probably don't deserve. I accept that you were in a bad place last night, but I am glad I have told you the truth."
It takes Naomi a few seconds to realize that there's no one beside her any more. Takada has stopped in her tracks.
"You had better save me, Naomi Penber," she chokes, and her voice sounds dark, and angry. "You promised. You had better pay me attention, all the time, because nothing had better happen to me."
Naomi stares at her curiously.
What is this?
Are you actually having second thoughts?
Dear god, am I saving this woman from Light by duping her for her heart?
I'm.
I'm no better than.
No, that's not true. The thing that matters is getting her away from Light. Getting her out of hell. Then she can find someone good. I'll help her.
"Of…of course," she manages. "I stand by my word."
"Good. Offer me your arm."
Naomi blinks, taken aback.
"My…you want…"
"And don't make me ask twice," Takada adds, curtly.
"Takada's men have not yet managed to find a way into the encrypted file," L comments. "Things are working out in our favour."
"So that's your strategy? Plan things badly and hope you get lucky?" Rae scoffs.
"Yes. I am a terrible person," L deadpans.
His Shinigami makes him feel awkward and hyperreactive, like he's been wound too tightly. It also makes him horribly unhappy.
And yet, he always wants to see it. There is no predicting exactly when Rae will show up, but L sometimes finds himself counting the minutes, anyway.
Not that it matters. Rae has to be angry and hateful. That's just the way things are. L will not complain, or wish that Rae would change back, because Rae has to be safe.
"I know you're being sarcastic. Dick."
"My name is L, actually," L replies, because it's not as if he doesn't relish their banter.
Rae is intelligent. Rae is a good detective. He likes Rae, maybe. He sees himself in Rae.
He likes Rae.
And Rae still supports the ideals of the original Kira, and fuck Light for that. Fuck Light for taking things away from him even now, even when he's not around.
Or not around yet, anyway. Of course, that's only a matter of time. Perhaps not much time, either.
L cocks his head. He can't hear bells. Perhaps he'll see the end of today.
He shouldn't be thinking of himself. Naomi is the one who's at risk right now, and she's getting unnervingly close to Takada.
"The entirety of your name is L," Rae says disdainfully. "I know all your secrets, Lawliet."
No you don't. Not quite.
"Please tell Naomi that we will hold off on decreasing the security level of the Mary Cleese file until we feel that it is necessary," L replies, politely changing the subject. "I do not presently believe that giving Takada more information will increase her trust in Naomi. Naomi's position with her is already ideal, now she must simply ask the right questions."
"She and I both know that," Rae snaps. "There haven't been any good opportunities yet. I know what I'm doing."
"Of course," L says distantly, touching the edge of his thumb to his teeth. "Additionally, please tell her to remove the taps on her upper arm and chest. She ought to do that as soon as possible."
"You really think Naomi might go that far?" Rae asks. "You think Takada will?"
"She might," L theorises. "It is better for us to be prepared. The tap on her foot can remain, of course. And the one in her ear. Naomi knows the correct way to dispose of the others. There are no cameras in her en suite toilet. There is only a six percent chance of repercussions."
"Understood," Rae informs him, examining him with cold, red eyes. "A real fucking hero you are, aren't you? You won't kill people quickly, but you're happy to manipulate and lie and betray and hurt, in order to get what you want."
"The original Kira did very similar things," L points out wearily.
"For good reasons," Rae spits. "He wasn't just…seeking glory."
And that is what you think of me, is it?
L really shouldn't place so much value in Rae's opinion of him.
Although…didn't Rae practically declare him a hero for what he did to his mother? Surely that counts for something.
L likes to think so, anyway.
"Actually, I think that is exactly what he sought," L replies. "Please go quickly, now. I need you to be with Naomi."
You don't have any right to judge anyone shut up shut up shut up. You are stupid, L, and you don't know anything. You'll never know anything.
You are morally lacking. You have no right. None at all.
None.
Kiyomi Takada burned to death, and did she deserve that?
Shut up shut up shut up.
I'm fine. Everything is okay.
Naomi isn't surprised by L's instructions, but she is a little concerned by the implications therein. She has no problems with the concept of sleeping with another woman, in isolation. But she's lying to Takada. She's lying to a harmed, damaged woman and that is becoming harder and harder to stomach.
Isn't there a way to save everyone without harming anyone?
No, of course there isn't. If there was, L wouldn't ever torture or betray anyone. He'd be the first in line, if there was some way to capture all criminals cleanly and safely.
Wouldn't he?
Of course he would. There's…there's barely anything bad in L at all. Barely anything.
And Naomi would never, ever tell her boss that the reason Light fooled her so expertly was because he reminded her of L.
And there's no doubt that L learns from other people's mistakes. Perhaps, if the original Kira had never happened, and he'd been presented with the death note with no spectator knowledge of how intoxicating that power could be, of how wrong everything could become, of how it would destroy his own life and the lives of everyone around him…
Perhaps, then.
Perhaps.
Naomi scowls at her reflection. So what? So if their lives had been completely different, then L might have been Kira. And maybe, if the note had come to her first, then she might have been Kira. And hey, if she'd grown up in Wammy's, instead of in Osaka, maybe she'd be married to Mail instead of Raye. It's pointless to argue what might have been. They are who they are, nurture or nature. And L has proven his moral strength over and over again.
Naomi pulls the adhesive spot from her arm and places it on the sink. The taps aren't water-soluble, of course, that would be ridiculous. But they do degrade to the point of being unrecognizable if exposed to solutions of over twenty percent alcohol.
Such as common mouthwash.
Watari is a genius. Naomi drops both taps into a cup of green liquid, and then dumps the contents into the toilet.
No one will ever know. Watari is a genius, and L thinks of everything. They are an excellent team, and Naomi shouldn't be jealous of that. But maybe she is, a little. She wants to be L's deputy forever. She won't let Kira get her. She won't let this godforsaken illness kill her. And she won't lose. She won't do anything that might separate her from her job, her boss.
Her husband, though. Her husband is going to be a problem. She can't forget. When this mission is over, then…
Then.
Then, she'll tackle that when she comes to it. Something will work out. Something always does. At this rate she might just tell L that she's not leaving his side and she's not destroying her marriage and he'd better just make things work.
He will. She has confidence in L. She really does.
Naomi flushes the toilet. She can hear footsteps in the hall outside, moving closer and closer. Takada, probably. She washes her hands in the sink, just for authenticity.
The fact that L has some personality similarities with the original Kira is completely irrelevant. It is of no consequence to anyone. L is the hero for everyone who didn't follow Light.
The knock on the door is both refined and demanding.
"Penber," Takada calls. "Hurry up. Leah needs to speak to you."
Naomi pushes the door open, a little taken aback by how close Takada is standing. She smiles.
"I should have a harsh word with Leah about turning you into her errand girl," she says warmly, curling one arm around Takada's neck.
"I came here of my own choosing," Takada tells her irritably. A second later, she seems to realize the implications of that statement and immediately starts scrutinizing the floor.
It's not hard to be affectionate, especially not to someone as damaged as Takada. Naomi kisses her on the cheek.
"If you're sure, my Kimiko," she murmurs, and Takada does not correct her.
Naomi is.
Naomi is all over her. Like a bad smell. Like a rash. Like the best, most luxurious sort of massage. And she seems to grow more confident by the hour. She's taking liberties, now. Not in front of the others, but respectfully, privately.
And Takada…Takada feels good. And terrified. But mostly good. A lot of good. And then she starts thinking about Light again, and her whole world comes crashing down.
In a way, Naomi debased her, last night. Naomi pledged loyalty to her. If Takada expressed doubts in Kira, in the death note, in the mass slaughter of probably-criminals, then Naomi would probably support her in a heartbeat.
If.
If she chose Naomi, then she could break away from all of this. Leave everything, and walk away, and not even be empty-handed. Or alone. She could start again, and oh god, isn't that tempting? No more Jason. No more heartache. No more pain. Just quiet teasing and intelligent company, and love that isn't demanding of her entire soul, or commandeering of her morality.
No more Light.
She can't. She can't.
She can't think about it, anyway.
She wants Naomi to save her. She wants Naomi to force her away from this place. She wants to go to sleep and be rescued, princess-style, from all of this crap, from this draining, exhausting life.
But she can't. She can't have that.
Can she?
No.
No, of course not. That is absurd.
But for now, she can pretend that she might have it, one day. She can flirt, and touch, and take some comfort for herself. She can surrender everything but her ideals. She can be happy, maybe, for a little while.
Not for long, though.
Because it comes down to this. Light, or not Light. Either she follows his ideals to the bitter end, saves him, and devotes the rest of her life to him, or.
Or.
Or.
Maybe.
Yes, maybe. Takada can have that much, right? She can have maybe. If she chooses Light in the end, then today, she can have maybe.
He owes her that much.
"This is fucking ridiculous," Raye says, shoving uselessly at the dashboard. "This is stupid. She's not even a good fucking flirt. Surely she can see that there's no way anyone would actually fall for a line like that!"
"Luckily for your wife, Kimiko doesn't seem to see that at all," Mail says, and he sounds almost…displeased.
As if this has anything to do with him. His heart is shriveled and black and cold and broken. He can't possibly understand what Raye is going through.
"I didn't ask for your opinion," he says hotly.
"I don't need to wait for a request," Mail retorts. "You've spent the last twenty minutes shouting at me."
"I'm not shouting at you, I'm shouting at her! And our stupid boss!"
"Shouting near me, then," Mail says with a shrug. "Also, one more comment about L, and I will fuckin' hit you."
"Of course you will," Raye snarls.
That's just it, isn't it? He's surrounded by L's supporters and fans. Everyone loves him. He's an emotionally-stunted underweight half-blind failure of a detective, and everyone fucking loves him.
Well, no more. No more of this. Soon. Takada better enjoy Naomi while she's got her, because once this is over, no one else is ever going to get their hands on his wife again.
It was obvious that she didn't actually want someone to try out her new imported brand of tea. It was obvious she was just going to kiss Naomi when she got there. Raye is a much better flirt, a much better partner, and a much better person in general.
He has nothing to worry about.
And he's not jealous, really.
Okay, maybe a little. But that's only because his beautiful, amazing wife is so magnetic that even total strangers – even completely straight women – are drawn to her. He's allowed to be a little worried. Besides, Takada is a murdering psychopath. There's no telling what she might want from a relationship.
Raye's mind briefly flits through a thousand unspeakable acts, from bedroom sadomasochism to suicide bombing.
L has the visual feed. He won't let anything bad happen.
Will he?
It's obvious that Naomi's safety is not L's number one priority, or she wouldn't be stuck in that horrible position in the first place. No, L cares about catching criminals. And he's put Raye in a position where Raye can't speak his mind or demand L tell him how Naomi is going, because Mail is right there.
And Mail never sleeps, because he's a freak. An ugly freak. No wonder his apparently-pretty blonde friend never loved him back.
Raye wonders if there are actually any geniuses out there who can manage normal romance. L's love life is even stranger than Mail's, although he probably doesn't realize that his giant monster-god has feelings for him.
And fuck this, Raye doesn't care about any of them, anyway. When this mission is over, he and Naomi are moving to another country. The States, preferably. His home town. A long, long way from L, and Rae, and Mail, and this horrible, nightmarish life.
Takada kisses Naomi again, loud enough to be audible. Raye feels like someone is ripping out his soul.
That's my wife.
There isn't long to go, now, before the case comes to an end.
Raye clings to that thought.
Humans, for the most part, are disgusting. Animalistic and immoral. Takada kisses Naomi like a schoolgirl; slow, chaste, and hesitant. Naomi responds in kind. She's married, but it's not like she's morally perfect.
She works for L, after all.
Anyway, there are two reasonably attractive Japanese women making out in the room. It's oddly like being present for a B-grade porn magazine photoshoot.
Humans are vile.
Naomi shouldn't be resorting to this sort of temptressing, and she must be feeling guilty about tricking Takada. Takada, is worse, of course. She's supposed to be cleansing the world of evil, not trying to get to swallow the tonsils of some girl she barely knows.
Humans are disgusting. Sex is pretty disgusting too. And boring.
The only way it would be even remotely tolerable is if it were L, with his hands chained above his head and his patch pushed over his good eye and his shirt rucked up high on his chest, panting and wanting and-
What the fuck am I thinking?
Kiyomi Takada is beautiful, there's no arguing that point. She has enormous dark eyes and perfect hair, fine facial features and unusually pronounced curves. She kisses well, soft and warm, and just a little bit controlling.
But all Naomi can think about is Raye.
This will be hard for him, undoubtedly. He's probably swearing and grumbling and giving Mail a hard time right now. He's always been the type to fret. He's always been a lot of things that don't mesh well with their line of work.
But god, she misses him. She misses his strong arms, and the way he can occasionally read her mind. She misses their little in-jokes, and spending all day at the shooting range, and the way he complains when she proves herself a better marksman than him.
And she misses being honest, of course. There is fear in Takada's kisses, fear of darkness, fear of Jason, fear of rejection. Fear of being wrong.
Naomi wants to save Takada. She wants to show her that there is still good in the world. She wants to pull her out of hell, once and for all.
And then, she wants to walk away.
Takada stops, and hides her face in the side of Naomi's neck.
"If you really do save me, Naomi Penber," she says softly, "then that will make you a hero. I'm not sure I believe that such heroes exist."
Naomi runs one hand up and down her back.
Look at what he's done to you. Look at what they've both done to you.
There are heroes left in the world. There are. L is the hero for everyone who did not choose Light.
"What's wrong, my Lady," Naomi whispers. "What ails you?"
Takada does not answer for a long time. Naomi leans against the wall. Takada is heavy, and she feels nauseous. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is the last day. Everything must happen tomorrow.
For some completely unknown reason, Rae runs screaming from the room.
"I think Kira tried to kill me," Takada says softly. "I think he was the one who had me set myself alight."
Naomi stares at her, taken aback.
All…all right.
This is some sort of test, isn't it?
"But he loves you, my Lady," she replies. "Surely he would never, ever do something like that. Kira is good."
"Of course," Takada says indulgently, with a tiny smile that fades quickly. "And…if he did? Which of us would you renounce?"
Naomi drops away from Takada and sinks halfway to the floor, her feet struggling for purchase on the carpet. Her head is spinning, she feels too weak to stand, and collapsing is a suitably dramatic response. Rae was right. Her illness is useful. At times, anyway.
Until it kills her.
She knocks her head against the wall with a loud thunk.
"I would…I would have to renounce my god," she stutters, expression aghast. "No, my Lady. It's not true. You said it was not true. Why would any of us be trying to restore anyone who did something like that to you? It's not possible. It cannot be possible. Right?"
"You have more faith in me than in Kira," Takada comments.
Naomi stares at the floor.
"I…must," she says, slowly. "Oh god. Are you going to throw me out of the disciples, Kimiko?"
Takada takes her hand and pulls her to her feet.
"No, Penber. Absolutely not. You have duty here, remember?"
"Right. I have to be your hero," Naomi agrees weakly.
"You think too highly of your capabilities" Takada warns coldly, but she looks tremendously pleased, all the same.
The thing is this; Takada would really like to tell Naomi about the death note. She wants to know what someone else would think of her, knowing the truth.
No. She wants to know what Naomi would think of her.
Naomi, and no-one else.
She already knows what Light thinks of her, after all.
Expendable.
tbc
a/n:
+ this is the most verbose arc yet! we are heading towards the end now, though, I promise.
+ updating a day early! I feel so accomplished.
+ thank you for taking the time to read this. hope everyone has a lovely weekend.