notes/warnings
+ swearing. I don't think I've ever written so many f-words in one place.
Indecision
Naomi sits on the edge of her bed, back straight, hands fisted in the quilt.
Waiting.
Eventually, Rae arrives. The clock tells her that barely five minutes have passed, but she feels like she's been sitting there - in shocked silence - for hours.
"You…you might as well sleep," Rae tells her bluntly. "I'll stay with Takada, and find out what she plans to do. I will wake… you if anything eventuates."
Even their Shinigami seems to be distracted and confused.
Can Kira control the gods of death? Has he become that powerful?
No. Probably not. Hopefully not.
Naomi doesn't nod, or give any response at all. One wrong move could end her. Instead, she turns and finally gets into bed. Her head aches, and she's so fucking tired and lonely that she's even grateful for Rae's company.
At least if anything happens to her, someone will know. Her body will not be 'never found'. Kira cannot have that ultimate victory.
Not again.
She sleeps and dreams of Light Yagami's murderous, mocking smile.
She wonders whether L ever dreams of it. Whether L ever stops dreaming of it.
I cannot choose L.
L is the enemy.
I cannot choose L.
I cannot choose Naomi.
Kiyomi Takada stares at her ceiling. It is smooth, white, and dusty in the corners. It offers no answers at all.
Light is my saviour.
Light asks too much of people.
He asks too much, and he NEVER…
He never.
If Light really was just an egotistical boy with a phenomenal weapon, then L must be the hero. That's one way of looking at it.
But she loves Light, doesn't she? Even through all of this, even with Naomi, even after Jason, even after everything, she loves Light. And her plan, all along, was to be his partner. To become a goddess. To save the world.
She's no idiot. She knows what she's doing.
She'll face Big Jason again, for Light, because.
Because.
Takada scrubs at her face with both hands. She's so tired. And Jason terrifies her. And god, she wants to feel safe and warm again, the way she did when she was with Naomi.
She wants to be a goddess. She wants, she wants, she wants.
People say it was L who finally defeated Light. Even though Light killed him four years prior to Light's own end, it was still L. Or people who were raised by him, to be like him. Or something.
Sometimes, she wishes she'd never met Light.
Sometimes, she wishes she'd met someone else, first. Someone who was enough like him to move her, without making the same horrible demands.
Someone like Naomi, maybe. Someone like L.
If she chooses Light, then she ought to search Naomi for taps. No, even better, she ought to pretend to be interested long enough to find out L's location. That will be difficult, she knows, because she's placed a proverbial price on his head. But then again, probably doesn't know who she is, specifically.
Unless…unless Naomi is working for him. In which case, he knows who she is. And if that's the case, then…
God, she's so close to him. She has a direct link. If L came here to stop her, then L came here to defeat Light, surely, surely, surely. He must know the link between her and the real, original Kira. She has to presume L knows everything.
Does he know everything? Does he know how frightened she is? Naomi said he wanted to make a better world, and yet he neither kills nor judges.
Isn't that what she wanted Light to be?
No. Gods have to judge. Gods must judge.
Even as Kira, she cannot heal the sick. She cannot save people like Naomi. She and Light, together, cannot reach out to the innocent, other than to offer them protection from the guilty.
Then…were they ever truly gods?
Is this all a trap? Getting her to love Naomi, so they can bring her down?
But then why mention L at all? That's practically suicide. No, L can't intend to trap her, if he's behind all of this.
Then…
Then…
Then if L has ordered Naomi to come here, then he is offering her an opportunity to save herself. To escape. To be human, and ordinary, and sleep at night.
And oh god. Oh god. She does. She wants that. She wants a break. She wants to be rid of Big Jason, and constant murdering, and all this crap.
Yes.
She wants L to save her.
Maybe.
You. Back there, you were just trying to…
Manipulate me.
Yeah, that's it!
"Oh god," Takada murmurs, clutching her pillow. "Oh god, I don't even know what to do."
She's in the throes of indecision. She's certainly not about to do anything drastic right this very second, and therefore, she is only a secondary problem.
The illegible writing over her head appears and disappears, over and over, like a pedestrian traffic light, like the most fucking annoying thing in the world.
This is stupid. This is impossible. This is – for the first time ever – this is too much of a challenge. A pointless challenge.
When I am king, it won't matter what I feel. As long as I don't try to save any humans from death, I can have whoever I want. This is just a stepping-stone. A test for the new king. To prove that I am what I know am.
Special. Perfect.
I'm the one who can save the world. Soon.
The test may not even be a necessary one. The whole business of making L use the death note might be solely contrived to amuse the king.
Stupid fucking Shinigami.
"I always used to think Kira was watching over me," Kiyomi confesses to the back of her own hand. She sounds distant, like she might finally be drowsing. "Is L watching over me? Is that it?"
Focus, focus, focus. Right now, L is the enemy. Being debilitated in this situation is unacceptable.
Did you really think you could break me, L? Look at you. You couldn't make anyone fall in love with you. Look at Naomi, and Matsuda. They've both thrown themselves at you in the past, and you still couldn't make anything work.
There's something innately wrong with you.
Ryuk floats past, like a giant, irritating balloon, waving and mouthing 'hiiiii Raaaae'.
When I am king, I am going to have you executed.
"Say, did Takada mention she's started storing apples at the other end of the building? I think she thought that would stop you getting at them."
Ryuk beams, and promptly disappears, and thank fuck for that.
You're not even physically ugly. Your problem is all on the inside. You are broken, and you know it. An evil genius with no genius to speak of.
No redeeming features.
But he was so soft to the touch. And it's weird, it should be weird, but he's always been part of the spoils of victory, one way or another. Dead or alive. He's an absolute in the universe.
And it's not as if he'll ever know the truth.
Fuck.
L fucking evil fucking ugly bad fucking fucking monster fucking WORTHLESS!
The writing over Takada's head appears for barely a second before dissolving once more.
This is really fucking hard.
"You've…L mentioned that you did really well last night, covering up that slip of the tongue. So…good job, I guess."
It is testimony to how badly things have gone, that Rae sounds shaken, even now, hours after the fact. Rae shouldn't care at all. It won't be affected, whatever the outcome of this mission.
Unless it loses L. It might care about that.
L must be wondering what the hell happened, Naomi thinks. He might be worried sick.
But still. He thinks she did well. That matters. That always matters. Especially now. This might be her last chance to hear his words of praise, even secondhand.
She's lucky to have Rae around, really. A single, rudimentary link to her boss after she's been deprived of all other forms of contact.
Of course, she knows that she couldn't get a message back to the others even if she wanted to. But it's not as if they can save her, anyway. If her name has already been written, then it's only a matter of time.
She didn't choose to say those things. Someone else chose for her.
Kira is back.
"L also said to tell you that we're going to get you out of here, okay? And Takada's been talking to herself all night. She only fell asleep five minutes ago. And I'm not even sure she's capable of making a decision. Oh, and L…L's decided that you should keep the taps on you."
Of course. Any evidence is vital, now.
Best case scenario, her death delivers them Takada and the notebook and nobody else gets killed.
No. Best case scenario, Takada is saved. Rescuing a vulnerable woman and spitting in Light's eye all at once. That would make any death worthwhile.
Rae moves jerkily around the room. Its eyes are the colour of mud, instead of their usual vivid red.
Great. Even the god of death has weird shit going on.
And…there's something else. Something has changed in the way Rae says L's name. Naomi doesn't even want to think about what that means. Or why it couldn't manage to tell her these instructions last night, when it first got back from seeing L.
Something's happened to you, too.
Not that it matters now.
She's been sick for so long. Weeks and weeks.
Have I been in your clutches all this time, Kira?
Was there never any hope for escape?
She wants to see her husband again. She wants the company of people she can trust. Humans she can trust. She wants to be able to eat food again, without feeling nauseated and horrible. She wants to be well.
But she's strong. She's always been strong. And she's not about to crumble now.
"I did not instruct her to do that, Raye," L says quietly. "Please believe me."
Four years ago, L would never have begged anyone to believe him. He never cared what anyone thought.
Caring tears people apart. Mail ought to know that.
"Then where the fuck did it come from?" Raye demands, his voice loud and utterly furious. "She wouldn't do it on her own. She's not fucking stupid!"
"She is fucking ill," Mail points out. "Vomiting, nausea. Sometimes dehydration can make people unable to think straight. Even clever people."
Raye stares at him, his expression melting from utter dislike to unmitigated terror.
"Do you think she's sick in the head?" he says fearfully. "Jesus…do you. God. I don't even know what to make of this."
"Nor do I," L tells him gently. "But I promise you this. If I have to sacrifice my life to get her back, then…I will still get her back."
"Then do it," Raye roars. "Go the Roper's fucking house. Save her!"
Mail seizes Raye's gun, and points it at him.
"Take that back," he orders, coldly. "Take that fuckin' back now!"
Raye stares blankly at the muzzle of the gun, then seems to crumple against his chair, shaking like a child.
"Just save her," he mutters. "Please. I just want to get her back at the end of all this."
"If we have no better options, I will go to Roper's house," L says delicately. "I prom-"
"Don't promise," Mail yells. "What they want is fuckin' you. Grow a fucking brain, both of you. I am not the responsible fucking adult here, and I shouldn't have to say this."
Raye doesn't respond.
"Mail," L says, slowly. "Mail, you know what risks we take. She has a family. I have to-"
"No," Mail barks. "No. Don't you let him fucking win. Don't you dare let Kira fucking win."
There is an endless pause at the other end of the line.
"I will…do the best I can," L says, voice resigned and quiet.
"So you fuckin' should."
Takada wakes after barely an hour, and immediately starts tossing and turning and muttering to herself.
"Show me," she implores her ceiling. "Show me which path I am meant to take."
This is good.
She's not sure. And if she chooses L, surrenders herself to L, then it will be easy to arrest her like the filthy criminal she is.
L, who is evil. L, who still stands against Kira. Even now. And if he stands against Kira, then he must stand for the criminals.
Yes. And there it is. Unwavering, clear writing, above Takada's head. No pretending needed. L is still a bad person. Desirable, but bad. To change him will be a privilege, but that doesn't matter right now.
L might try to save Takada, but she doesn't deserve even that. She doesn't deserve anything.
She didn't deserve to die.
Shut up!
She's a monster. Ordinary human beings can't handle the power of the death note.
She never should have had it in the first place.
Oh.
If Light is the knight in shining armour, then L is the dragon.
If Light is the dragon, then…
Takada runs her index finger up and down the spine of the death note. It is such a small object. It weighs barely anything at all. And yet, it is like carrying around an anchor. It weighs her down and eats away her choices.
Light is the only man she's ever respected. L might be pathetic. He might be weak. He might be morally ambiguous. He might be boring.
He might want to save her.
If Naomi is a spy for L, then L is watching over her. And he's offering her…he's offering her a chance.
To leave. To renounce this awful place, and the duty of the death note. To walk away from everything and be ordinary.
To be safe. To have Naomi, even. Maybe.
"But there's no guarantee," she murmurs out loud.
And no, no, that won't do. If L is not involved with this case at all, then Takada has no choice. She might be able to use Naomi to kill him, but she has no way of convincing him to save her.
And the loss of that possible choice is suddenly terrifying. A solid stone door, slammed in her face. Nothing but Light and Kira and work and work and work and death and Jason, for all eternity.
"I don't want it!" she cries, shoving at her pillow. "I don't!"
It doesn't matter if she speaks. There is no one to hear her. And she's been so lonely, all this time.
It doesn't matter what sort of man L is. It doesn't even matter if she gets to keep Naomi. All that matters, right now, is that she get out of here.
And L…L might not even be involved.
She has to know. She has to know.
"If she's working for L," Takada tells the notebook, softly. "If L is involved, then I want…I want him to save me. I'd do anything for that."
The words feel strange and wrong on her tongue, but that doesn't matter. The walls are closing in, and she needs to get away from here.
Right now, all she wants is to escape.
L. The famous detective. That's…interesting.
There's no doubt Kimiko has a killer notebook – a 'death note', as the skeleton woman used to call it – but mentioning L? And having drastic, drastic changes of heart?
That's progress.
Not long now. Not if Grianna's theory is correct.
"Oy!" Leah chastises. "That's Kimiko's door. You aren't supposed to be listening at it, Jones."
Leah is a fool. They all are. What would they think, if they knew their precious beloved leader was about to jump ship?
Grianna smiles warmly. She has guns hidden in places even Kimiko wouldn't think to check.
Kimiko's real name is Kiyomi Takada. She's supposed to be in hell. She is in hell, of course. Sooner or later…
Sooner, now. It will be soon.
The skeleton woman was so useful. She told Grianna so many things, even though Grianna discarded the notebook as soon as she realized she couldn't use it to save her family.
"Since you are filled with sorrow, I will give you a fair chance. Those who are in hell who appear in the real world…are almost always here to be tested. Perhaps you can find what you seek, but I would not recommend it."
That information, coupled with the Shinigami eyes…that is all she needs.
Soon.
"Come with me, Leah," Grianna instructs, sweetly. "I need you to run me through the finer points of encryption again."
Better that no one is around to witness whatever Kimiko is about to do. Better not to hinder this progression.
Soon, he will come.
I will get you back, sweetheart.
Naomi staggers to the bathroom, and manages to remain upright long enough to take a quick shower.
Takada hasn't come by. No one has come by. No one is checking on her, no-one has installed more cameras in her room, no one has searched her. She can't decide whether she ought to go outside, just in case the others have all decided to leave so they can bomb the building.
Because…the worst thing is, she doesn't know how Kira will kill her. The death note can narrate practically anything, according to what she's heard. If she can physically and physiologically do something, then Kira can make her do it. At any time. In any place.
If Kira makes her call for L, will Rae stop L from coming?
Can Rae stop L from coming?
"Brace yourself," Rae announces, appearing beside her suddenly. "Takada is coming. And…she's probably going to ask you if you are working for L."
Naomi stares at the Shinigami with wide eyes.
And? What am I supposed to do?
"We don't have time for L to have input," Rae tells her. "She's broken. She wants L to save her. You need to tell her the truth."
That I work for L?
Rae is right. That should work. Takada will show her true colours, one way or the other. Naomi's life will be on the line, but her life is forfeit, anyway. And L will still be safe. And Takada might be saved.
Yes. It is a good plan. Raye wouldn't like it, but it is a good plan. Sacrifices must be made. And Naomi is the best possible sacrifice.
If she dies, she dies for her family.
Takada kicks the door in, in lieu of knocking. Naomi flinches automatically.
"I need to talk to you," Takada demands. "Now!"
"Of…of course," Naomi stammers, gesturing in the general direction of the sofa with shaking hands. "Would you like to take a seat, or-"
"Do you work for him, Naomi Penber?" Takada barks. "Tell me the truth. Are you working for L, right now? Are you here because of him?"
Naomi hesitates. If she says 'yes', then she will be admitting that she lied yesterday. That could end badly.
And no matter what she says, she's improvising. L won't be able to have any input. Right now, he's in his utility vehicle, chin on one knee, watching and listening and hoping like hell she makes the right decision.
Whatever the right decision is.
"You're taking too long," Takada says hysterically, slamming her hand against the wall. "Answer me, goddamnit. Answer me!"
"I was sent here to stop you," Naomi says tremulously. And for all of Takada's screeching and wailing, her own voice sounds like the loudest thing in the room. "I was never a Kira supporter. I followed L's philosophy. I came here to stop faux Kira, and I found you."
"I don't care about you!" Takada spits. "You are weak. You can't stop Kira, and you can't stop Jason. You can barely stand upright, look at you."
"I didn't intend to fall in love with you, but I did," Naomi lies.
"You haven't answered the question!" Takada howls, grabbing her by the arms and slamming her against the wall.
"Listen to me, I'm getting there," Naomi snaps. "I came here seeking a monster, and instead I found a frightened, abused woman who doesn't deserve the crap she's taken, in this life or the first. I want to save you, Kimiko. I want you and I to walk out of here together."
"Did L send you here?" Takada asks, barely a whisper. "Does he want to save me?"
"L is in a lot of places," Naomi says, and this is it. This is everything. This is what they do, take risks and hope to god they aren't wrong. "He sent me here. And he wants to save you."
Takada releases her abruptly. And then, without ceremony, she drops to the floor and stares up at Naomi, pale and exhausted and childlike.
Takada slowly fists one hand in the hem of Naomi's trousers.
You are so young, still, Naomi thinks, sympathetically.
Hasn't anyone ever taken care of you?
"Can he…can he hear me? Right now, can he hear me?"
Naomi raises an eyebrow in surprise. And she's not supposed to voluntarily reveal the taps, but her fate is already sealed, one way or the other.
"Yes."
Takada exhales hard, shuddering, and presses her head to Naomi's leg.
"I want you to save me," she whispers, her voice barely audible. "L. I want you to save me."
Naomi freezes.
Oh.
Oh!
She wants L to save her. That means. That means…
That means they've won.
And oh god, this is awesome. This is like winning the fucking lottery. Faux Kira is defeated, L doesn't have to sacrifice himself, and she's going to save Takada. If she's really lucky, maybe she'll even get to see Raye, before the day is out.
"I am his agent," Naomi says, stepping away from Takada. "Get up. You do not belong on the floor. You are a person, not a slave."
Takada gapes at her, and Naomi drags her to her feet.
"If you want to reach L, you will have to do as I say," she instructs, a little more kindly.
Takada clings to her hand, and nods vigorously.
"Then…what. What does he want me to do?"
"Bring it to me," Naomi tells her firmly. "Bring me the death note. All of it. Every single page."
"I don't know about you, but I barely heard any of that," Mail says dryly. "All I heard was Raye swearing at the computer the whole way through."
"I…I don't believe it," L murmurs, numb with shock and fear and relief. "She…she did it."
And god, he didn't believe she would. When she first admitted to working for L, he was certain that Naomi was going to die.
But no. She and Rae have judged Takada perfectly. Expertly. He cannot fault them. They took a tremendous risk, and it paid off.
Naomi is amazing, and he is going to miss her when she leaves.
Rae is amazing, too. And it isn't leaving him just yet.
"She has not admitted to having the note yet," L says out loud. "We do not yet have sufficient evidence."
"This chick is going to confess though, right?" Mail asks. "I mean, we've pretty much got her."
"Until she is in our custody, I make no such assumptions."
He still feels off-kilter.
In the end, it is so easy.
"You aren't going to fucking let her off, are you?" Raye asks, sounding severely short of breath. "After everything she's done, you aren't going to try and save her?"
"'Save' is a very vague word," Mail points out sagely. "A lifetime in prison is probably nothing compared to the sort of abuse she was alluding to earlier."
Yes, L thinks. And I will save her from…oh.
An epiphany.
He can follow it, now. He can almost understand why the hell-god did what he did. He – or she – was setting Naomi up to be an alternative option for Takada. That's why he made her speak.
We are witnessing a choice, here. We are witnessing a redemption.
And by all of L's estimations, Takada should come through. Should be saved from hell. So, he's saving her in multiple ways.
"Any contact from Rae?" Mail asks.
"No," L replies. "It is in their hands now. I trust them."
Raye can still taste blood from where he's been chewing on the inside of his own mouth. He feels weak and lightheaded from the sudden absence of terror.
They've got Takada.
They've…they've got faux-Kira.
L sent Naomi into a death trap, and Naomi is going to walk back out with a smile and the most feared criminal in the second world at her feet.
Everything is…everything is okay.
That's the thing about L. He's an uncaring bastard, but he always wins in the end.
There are still tactical problems, of course. Without correspondence from Rae, Naomi must contact L directly if she wants to organize a meeting point.
It would be suicide for L to show his face while Takada is anything less than handcuffed and confined. So either Naomi is going to borrow a vehicle, and meet them back at base, or she'll bring Takada here.
No, here is too dangerous. Naomi and Rae will know that. But headquarters is risky, too. Takada is still one of Light's main accomplices, however reformed she might be.
L buzzes Watari.
"Set us up a temporary base, please," he says softly. "In one of the adjacent suburbs. We need a makeshift interrogation room, too."
"Understood."
L shifts on his seat. The more he thinks about it, the more this seems almost…too easy. Because of the hell god, or because of something else?
If this all ends, and Takada is incapacitated to help Light, does that mean Light won't come?
L chews hard on his thumbnail.
Even if Light kills him one day, he doesn't want it to be today. He doesn't want it to be soon.
He wants more time with Rae.
So. They know about the death note. Which makes sense, if Naomi was working for L all along.
And it's really quite amazing – and flattering – that someone who is supposed to be trying to apprehend her fell in love with her in the process.
Maybe. Or Naomi has been lying about that the whole time.
It doesn't matter, Takada realizes. She fell in love with Naomi because Naomi was a big, glowing, green 'exit' sign. And Naomi is getting her out of here. Everything is okay.
Isn't it?
Yes. L is here. L can hear her. He wants to save her. She has her choice back. There is another road she can take.
"Excuse me, my Lady," someone calls, and a moment later, Grianna Jones is at her left side. "I wanted to talk to you about the-"
"Not now, Gree," Takada says absently, deep in thought.
Gree stops, and turns to Naomi.
"What's going on with you two?" she asks, bewildered. "You do realize we've practically found a way to L, right?"
"Right," Takada says dreamily. "It's a good day."
If L is listening, then he can probably hear everything she's said. And everything she's said thus far. Her declarations of love for Kira, the noises she made against Naomi last night, her frightened, tearful, hopeful confessions in her room.
"There's something else we need to tend to first," Naomi tells her candidly. "Please wait here. I promise I won't take up more of our Lady's time than absolutely necessary."
"Fine," Gree replies, and wanders off again.
"What's she hanging around for," Naomi mutters.
Takada reaches out, grabs her by the wrist, and tugs her closer, within whispering distance.
"Would he have me turn in all my followers, as well?"
"No," Naomi replies. "They can take their chances with the police. But I want you to declare now if you or any of the others have other notes."
"Not to my knowledge," Takada replies.
This feels so strange, being completely honest with someone. She's never been able to talk openly about the note before, not with anyone who wasn't Light. It feels like confessing to some horrible secret, like cleaning out some festering wound. Kiyomi Takada feels light, and free, and anchorless.
Everything is different, now. She will be ordinary.
No more suffering. No more secrecy. No more Light.
Grianna is hanging around in the background, like a bad smell. When they reach Takada's room, Naomi makes sure to lock the door behind her. The last thing they need right now is a witness.
"What will happen after this?" Takada asks.
"One thing at a time," Naomi says firmly. "Once we're done here, I want you to tell your disciples that we're going out to check on something. The story will need to be believable. We can't have any of them following us when we leave."
"Leave, and not come back," Takada murmurs, sounding as if she's testing out the words. "Hmm."
"Give me the note, Takada," Naomi orders. "Show me where it is."
Naomi will probably restrain her in some way, before taking her to L. She'll probably be bound and blindfolded. Maybe tortured or drugged. The initial steps of this journey will not be pleasant.
But Takada is intensely familiar with the unpleasant. No matter what L inflicts on her, it cannot be worse than what she's suffered at Jason's hands. And…and L is a good man. Probably a good man. He won't have the same sort of…
Wasn't L the enemy?
Supposed to be the enemy?
Takada's hand hesitates, halfway to the safe. Once she opens that safe, Naomi will know everything. It will be as good as a confession. She will have absolutely no chance of going back.
Here and now, this is her choice. L is listening. Probably watching, too. Maybe watching. He can probably only see whatever Naomi can see. And Takada has not yet said anything to directly incriminate herself.
L's inquisition will take days, even if she manages to evade jail in the end. The timeframe for saving Light from Jason will have passed.
There is no going back.
So…what does she choose?
Good or evil?
Which side is good? The world is filled with shades of grey. No black, and no white. No absolutes. Only people. And people are weak. People make mistakes.
She can put her hand on that safe, or she can pretend she has no idea what Naomi is talking about.
"Is it in there, Takada?" Naomi asks. And her usually gentle voice sounds harsh and grating to Takada's troubled, conflicted ears.
She can be an exhausted goddess, or she can be ordinary and comfortable. But she cannot have both. Light and L are magnets, polar opposites. No one can have both of them.
She has to choose.
Right here, right now. This second.
She has to choose.
Now.
tbc
a/n:
+ again, it will probably be a couple of weeks before the next chapter is out. my apologies in advance.
+ thank you very much for reading.