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Chapter 4: Tender Loving Care

Sirius was having trouble keeping his eyes open. He'd stayed awake all night by Harry's side, and now it was dawn. Remus had already fallen asleep in a chair next to him, and he desperately wanted to stay awake in case Harry needed him. But eventually, sleep won out, and he fell into a dream.

It was a dream he'd had many, many times over the course of his stay in Azkaban. He was standing amongst the ruins of Godric's Hollow. His heart plummeted; he knew what was going to happen now, it was always the same. He walked through the rubble of the destroyed house until he found a body.

"Oh Gods," Sirius moaned as he knelt by his lifeless best friend, James Potter. He was still holding his wand in his hand and he had a terrified but fiercely determined look on his face. His eyes were wide open, staring up at the night sky. Sirius knew what was coming, but he prayed to Merlin that this time it would be different. He shook his best friend, shouting, "Prongs! Prongs! Oh Gods, Prongs, please wake up! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! It's my fault, it's all my fault! Oh Gods, I've killed you, Prongs. Oh Gods. I didn't know, I swear I didn't know! I didn't know it was Peter, please forgive me Prongs!"

But there was no response from his dearest friend. He continued to shake him, tears starting to stream down his face, begging his friend to wake up.

Then, as he knew it would, something happened that had not happened on October 31, 1981, but had happened in his nightmares in Azkaban every single time. James's eyes were still wide open and staring into nothingness, but his mouth began to move.

"Yes," he said. "You killed us, Padfoot. Lily and I. You killed us. It is your fault. How could I have trusted you to keep us safe? You delivered us straight into Voldemort's hands. How could you? We trusted you and you betrayed us. You're a traitor, Sirius."

"James, I'm sorry!" Sirius sobbed. "I swear I didn't know! Please, please forgive me!"

"Not this time, Sirius. You brought this on yourself."

Then he said something he'd never, to this day, said before.

"And you were so rash as to go after Peter," he said angrily. "And you landed yourself in Azkaban for twelve years, not being able to care for my son. And because of that, he was left in the care of those bastard Dursleys, who abused him and neglected him. And his uncle killed his owl, his first ever friend. You deserved to see that, Sirius, so you know what your rash actions caused. It's all your fault. I hate you. It's too late to take care of Harry now. You've destroyed him!"

Sirius felt weighed down with unbelievable, agonizing guilt. What the nightmare-James was saying was all true. He'd gone after Peter, got thrown into Azkaban, and was unable to look after his godson. Harry's suffering was all his fault. It could have been prevented if he hadn't been so damn rash.

"I'm sorry, James!" Sirius said for the thousandth time. "If I could take it all back, I would! I would have never gone after Peter if I knew what it would cost Harry."

"It's too late for that, Sirius," James said sadly. "I just want you to know that I should never have made you godfather. I'm very disappointed in you. How could I have thought you'd care for Harry if something happened to us? All you're after is revenge. You never think about the bigger picture."

"James, please!" Sirius howled, but the nightmare-James began to fade. "I never want to see you again," he said as he disappeared. "You betrayed me, and that is the worst thing you could possibly do to me." And with that, he was gone.

xxx

Sirius woke up in a cold sweat, with tears running down his face. Remus was awake next to him. "Sirius?" he said softly. "Sirius, what's the matter? Did you have a nightmare? Was it ... was it Azkaban?"

"J-J-James," Sirius choked. "He was blaming me ... blaming me ... for everything."

Remus got up and went to Sirius to embrace him. "Oh, Padfoot," he soothed. "You know that James wouldn't blame you. It's just your guilt and your imagination talking."

"I shouldn't have gone after Peter," Sirius said miserably. "It is all my fault. Harry would never have had to go through this if I'd actually thought about what I was doing instead of being so bent on revenge."

"I know, I know, but we're both here now," Remus said gently. "And we're both going to look after Harry. You'll see, he'll be okay. He's still sleeping peacefully, he was so tired. We're going to make him comfortable, we're going to shower him with love and we're going to treat him like a son should be treated."

The two friends continued to embrace, drawing strength and comfort from each other. Sirius eventually stopped shaking and sweating from the nightmare he'd had. His eyes still looked terribly haunted to Remus, though. The werewolf had a feeling they would look that way for a long time. Twelve years in Azkaban would do that to a person.

After a few hours of sitting in silence, Harry began to stir. The two men immediately started rubbing his back and stroking his hair, soothing him awake. Harry blinked his eyes open and looked at them. "Sirius? Remus?" he said quietly.

"We're here Harry," Sirius said. "You're safe now."

Harry looked desperately into their eyes, looking for truth. He could see nothing but love in them, love that he didn't think he deserved. He stretched, yawned, and sat up.

"Madame Pomfrey was here last night," Remus said. "She healed all your bruises, so you're okay now. Sirius and I are going to take care of you."

Harry looked so sad, and it caused the two Marauders' hearts to break in two. "I-I don't deserve looking after," the boy said softly. "I'm a freak and a burden. How could you want to love me?"

"Harry," said Sirius, tears coming to his eyes. He took the trembling boy into his arms. "Harry, you are not a freak, and you're not a burden. What happened was not your fault in any way, it was all Vernon Dursley's. Professor Dumbledore is making sure he's arrested."

Harry suddenly went stiff. "No!" he cried. "He said that if anyone knew about what happened, he'd kill me!"

"Oh, cub," Remus said. "We're going to make sure that doesn't happen."

"At least if it does, Voldemort'll be happy," Harry said. "Then he won't have to do it himself."

"Harry James Potter," Sirius said. "Please don't talk like that. I never want to hear you say anything like that again. You are not going to die. You mean the world to us, and we promise you we're going to protect you. I know the next little while is going to be very hard, and there will most likely be a trial for Vernon Dursley. But we're going to be there with you every step of the way. And we know you probably don't want one right now, but we'll gladly get you another owl whenever you're ready. We know that nothing can replace Hedwig, but we'll do whatever it takes to make you happy."

Harry suddenly lost all his strength, and he began to cry in Sirius and Remus's arms. They held him close, Sirius whispering soothing words and Remus stroking his hair. After he had calmed down, Remus asked gently, "Would you like some breakfast, Harry?"

"I'm not hungry," Harry answered meekly.

"Come on kiddo, you've got to eat something," Sirius said. "How about some cereal, or some toast?"

Harry looked uncertain. "I don't want to trouble you," he said.

"Oh, Harry, you're no trouble at all," Remus reassured. "It's been a while since I've had people staying with me. It's been so long since I've been able to cook or do things for anyone. Come on, let's go eat something."

Harry finally agreed, and got out of bed. Sirius and Remus had gone out shopping over the past few days, and bought some new clothes for Harry. When the boy saw them, he said, "Are these for me?"

"Yes, they are, cub," Remus smiled. "Try them on, they'll probably look great."

So harry tried on some jeans and a t-shirt. "You look wonderful, kiddo," Sirius said. "They're just your size, too!"

"Thank you so much," Harry said, his eyes filling with tears again, but this time, they were tears of joy. It was the first time in his life he'd ever been given anything without the words "you ungrateful freak" being attached to them. He hugged his two new guardians, thanking them profusely.

"No problem Harry," they both said, and they walked with him into the kitchen. "Wow, this is a nice kitchen," Harry said.

"Yeah, we like it too," Remus grinned. "We're going to be staying here for as long as we need to until we find a house. That's one of the things we're going to be doing this summer, house-hunting!"

"And you know what else?" Sirius said with a grin. "We got you tickets for the Quidditch World Cup in August! We don't know who's going to be playing against who, because all the pre-games aren't finished yet. But we've got really good seats! We talked to Arthur Weasley, and he says he and his children will be going too, so you'll have some friends there."

Harry looked shocked. "You didn't have to do that!" he exclaimed.

"We wanted to," Remus said, smiling gently at Harry. "We know how much you love Quidditch. And it's going to be one heck of a game! Professional Quidditch is much different than any Hogwarts match! Believe me, the games can get dirty, though. And if Bulgaria gets to the finals, you'll be seeing one of the finest players of all time, Viktor Krum!"

"What position does he play?" Harry asked curiously, his face lighting up.

"Seeker," Sirius grinned. "And he's only seventeen. He's brilliant!"

"Wow, cool!" Harry said. He still couldn't believe his guardians had bought him tickets. And he'd be seeing Ron there, and maybe even Hermione if the Weasleys got her a ticket.

Sirius and Remus got busy making toast, and soon, the three of them were sitting at the table, eating. The two Marauders were glad they had got Harry's mind off the horrible events of yesterday. They knew it would probably take Harry a long time to recover, but they would try and be lighthearted and make Harry's life as enjoyable as possible. They knew that if they were miserable all the time, it would surely rub off on Harry and make him think about the horrifying events more than he should.

After breakfast, they went to the living room and sat down. "Would you like us to tell you a story about your parents?" Sirius asked with a mischievous grin. His heart was still hurting from the nightmare he'd had about James, but he figured that if he could talk to Harry about a good time they'd all had together, it'd help clear his mind as well.

"Sure," said Harry. "What were some of the pranks you guys pulled in school?"

"Ah," said Remus. "Fond memories indeed. Padfoot, remember the time when the four of us Marauders snuck into the Slytherin common room and charmed their walls to say "Gryffindors rule, Slytherins drool?""

"Oh yeah," Sirius snickered. "They weren't happy about it, especially Snivellus."

"Who's Snivellus?" asked Harry. "Do you mean Snape?"

"Yeah," Sirius said. "As I told you in the Shrieking Shack, he was this skinny, greasy-haired kid who knew more hexes and curses in first year than any of the seventh years. He was always interested in what us Marauders were up to, always following us around all over the place. It got bloody annoying."

Harry longed to hear more. "So what else did you do?" he asked, his eyes alight with wonder.

"Well, Peeves liked us," Remus said. "We were pretty much the only students he didn't pick on. True, he called me "loony loopy Lupin" all the time, but I didn't take any offense. I thought it was pretty funny if you ask me."

"So Peeves helped us out a lot," Sirius said. "He was always helping us pull pranks on the other students. The teachers were sick of us by the time our seventh year ended, but we knew that deep down, they didn't want us to leave. They knew Hogwarts wouldn't be the same without the good old Marauders around."

Harry laughed. "What was your biggest prank?"

"We know Peter mentioned it in the Shack," said Remus, "but we never thought it would have such a big impact on him. At the time, we thought it was the funniest thing ever. This was the prank when all four of us took Polyjuice Potion and pretended to be each other at the end of our sixth year. And you know our nicknames, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs? We mixed them all around so that the first syllable would be the real nickname, and the second syllable would be the nickname of who we were pretending to be. For example, when I was pretending to be Sirius, the others called me Moonfoot, half Moony and half Padfoot. The other students didn't know what was going on."

"Yeah, you should have seen the looks on their faces," Sirius chortled. "The teachers didn't know what to do. They couldn't prove that anything was amiss because it wasn't like two of us were going around looking the same or anything. And we always dashed to the bathroom when we knew the potion was going to wear off."

Harry smiled and laughed with them. "What did my mum think of all this?"

"Well, your mother," Sirius said, "didn't like us at all at first. She thought we were arrogant little berks, which I have to admit, we were. In our fifth year, goody-goody Moony here became a prefect."

"Oh, you call me goody-goody, do you?" Remus said mock angrily. "I couldn't even control you and Prongs when you were at your worst! I didn't know how to tell you to stop pulling pranks."

"Yeah, so Lily couldn't stand us," Sirius laughed. "And she especially hated James. What was it she called him that one time, Moony? An "arrogant, bullying toerag?""

"Yeah, that's it," said Remus.

"So how did they end up getting married?" Harry asked.

"Well, your father finally got his head on straight," said Sirius. "He realized that asking Lily to go out with him every single minute of every single day was not working. See, he was head-over-heels in love with her from the word go. But she wouldn't go out with him until he deflated his head a bit."

"Finally, in our seventh year," Remus took over, "Lily told him he could have one date. Just one. Just one, and nothing more. But that "one date" totally changed her mind. When James finally got his ego under control, Lily grew to love him. They married straight out of Hogwarts."

"Wow," Harry exclaimed.

"Yeah, we were stupid when we were younger," Sirius said. "But we were carefree, and thought nothing could go wrong. On full moon nights we'd go romping around the forest, having the time of our lives."

"So how did you come up with the name Marauders?" Harry asked them.

"Well," Remus grinned, "it was Filch who got us to come up with it. We were caught pulling a prank on him once, and we heard him muttering under his breath, "I can't stand you four, always marauding around all over the place." So the name just stuck. I never thought I'd thank Argus Filch for something, but that's definitely something I'm grateful to him for."

Harry was grinning like a Cheshire cat by now. "If you're wondering how I got the map," he said, "it was from Fred and George."

"Oh, those Weasley twins," Remus smiled. "They remind me a lot of us in our glory days. Fred and George knew how to work the map because of their older brother, Bill. See, we met Bill once. He was explaining to us about how his younger twin brothers played a prank on him. So your father felt it was dutiful to explain about a secret map hidden in Filch's office, and he told Bill to tell his prankster brothers how to work it."

"Oh!" Harry said, understanding dawning on him. "I always wondered how they knew how to work it!"

"Yeah, that's how they knew," said Sirius with a big grin.

The two friends continued to share stories of Harry's parents with him, and he was grateful for every one. His eyes were filled with longing as he thought about the parents he didn't remember. But he knew now that he was safe, that he was with his parents' two best friends, and that they'd help him through the tough times to come. He still wasn't sure that he deserved all this compassion, and it would take him a while to believe it. But he somehow knew that his two guardians were being sincere.

They continued to talk until lunchtime, and after lunch, Sirius said, "How would you like to play some Quidditch? I used to be a Beater on the Gryffindor house team!"

"I never played at school," said Remus, "but I can try."

"Oh, wow!" said Harry. "I'd love to!"

So they played Quidditch well into the afternoon, flying loops around the garden. Remus and Sirius took turns at being Seeker, telling Harry to try to beat them to the Snitch. He always did, as well. But the two men took it in good humor and congratulated him for his wonderful flying.

After this, Professor Dumbledore poked his head into the fire and asked how Harry was doing. Harry felt uncomfortable talking to the old wizard, not because he was angry with him, but because he knew Dumbledore knew what had happened last night. But his guardians were there with him, and he faced it with them by his side. Dumbledore was very understanding and insisted, like Sirius and Remus had, that what had happened was not his fault at all. He told them that Vernon Dursley was locked securely in a Ministry holding cell. Harry was very relieved but a little scared to hear this because of the threat the man had made. But Dumbledore reassured him that he was locked away by magical means, so there was no way he could get out.

Dinner came a little after this, and then the three of them played a game of Exploding Snap. Harry began to tire during the game, so he decided to go to bed. He insisted that he could sleep fine by himself, but his two guardians were worried about him having a nightmare. They told him to promise to wake them up if he did. The boy looked reluctant, but he finally agreed. Remus also put a charm on the room to let him know if he was having a nightmare, because he knew Harry probably would feel bad about waking them up and might not bother.

The apartment had two bedrooms, so Sirius and Remus stayed in one of them together. As they climbed into their separate beds, they discussed the day.

"So how do you think Harry is, Padfoot?" Remus asked as they each lay down.

"He's got a long healing process to go through," answered Sirius, "but I know he can make it. If we can show him that he's not a burden and he deserves love, I'm sure he'll be fine."

"Merlin, I hope so," Remus sighed. "He's a wonderful boy. James and Lily would be ever so proud of him."

"Yes, they would," said Sirius fondly. After a few moments of silence, he said, "Good night, Moony. See you in the morning."

"Good night, Padfoot," Remus answered. Within minutes, they were both asleep.