July 8
Dear Diary,
Oh boy, is it good to have you back in my hands.
I really need to stop talking to this diary like it's a real thing...
Anyway, you have been under the care of someone else for the past day and a half.
Yes, that's right, your pages were vulnerable to the critical eyes of another person, and I'm so very sorry to have put you through that yet again. I know I promised not to share you with anyone, but there was no other way.
Let me explain.
I got home after I was a stupid idiot and ran away from Jared, and I was a wreck. My hands were shaking, I couldn't breathe and my heart was pumping a mile a minute, but it wasn't because of the 'wolf' thing, it was because I was so scared about what I'd just done to him.
Jared would never speak to me again, of that I was sure. He was worried about showing me his wolf form from the very beginning and I was the one who begged him to do it. His actual words were, "You're innocent and vulnerable and I don't want to ruin that, it was hard enough to tell you that but for you to actually see me... I'm a... werewolf. We're so different that it's insane."
So what did I do? I fucking ran away like a stupid little vulnerable child.
He was afraid of showing me that side of him and I'd been badgering him to do it for ages and when he finally gives in, I just throw it back at him. I do exactly what he's scared that I'd do. He opened up to me and trusted me and I might as well have kicked him in the balls as repayment.
I didn't know what to do; I couldn't handle the guilt. There was no actual explanation for why I did what I did and I couldn't stand him thinking that I did it because I was scared of him, because I wasn't in any way, shape or form. I love him unconditionally – furry side and all. Nothing could ever change that, but I knew he wouldn't believe it anymore.
I came home and I didn't have a clue what to do. I wrote the diary entry and then just realised what an absolute dick I'd been. Eventually, I sucked it up and went round his house. I couldn't leave it unsettled and I couldn't leave him thinking what I knew he was. I had a lot of grovelling to do.
On the way there I was nervous beyond belief at what he was going to say to me. It would be understandable if he told me to fuck off and then never spoke to me again. But I had to go see him. I had to settle it.
"Is Jared here?" I asked Joan once she answered the door.
She knew.
I could tell she knew what I did because she didn't look me in the eyes the same as she used to, so I knew that Jared was as upset as I feared.
"Please, I –"
No other words came out. There was nothing that I could say. What is there that I could say which would make her want to let me go see her son? She thought, like Jared, that I was all sweet and nice and harmless but I'm just not.
She smiled softly, but yet sadly, and stepped aside so I could come in, because Joan wouldn't turn me away. She'll give me a second chance because she's kind and accepting.
Accepting.
"He's upstairs, in his room."
"Thank you," I whispered, quickly racing up the stairs.
I gently knocked on the door, my eagerness to see him taking over the panic and worry. If I wasn't so hell-bent on trying to set this straight, I'd worry too much to even step inside the room, but I couldn't stand the thought of him being sad. And I definitely couldn't stand the thought that he was sad because of me. I was supposed to be the one who made him happy, wasn't I?
"Come in," he said in a toneless voice. I opened the door and stepped in, taking a deep breath to start a massive spiel about how much I love him, how I was an idiot and how I don't deserve him.
However, instead I swallowed and licked my lips and rubbed my sweaty hands against my jeans.
He didn't turn to look at me. He just kept tidying his room.
Jared doesn't tidy his room.
I suddenly didn't know what to say. The speech that I prepared on the long walk over vanished from my brain.
"Jared –" I started, still a bit out of breath from nearly running most of the way rhere.
"It's fine," he replied tightly.
"No. No, it's not," I said, stepping forward but too afraid to reach out and touch him. "Jared… I'm so sorry."
He turned and walked past me, putting something on his bed, his face hard.
"I told you, it's fine. It doesn't matter," he said quietly, looking at the floor, shrugging his shoulders mechanically.
"Yes it does!" I pulled on his arm to get him to look at me. His eyes met mine but they were guarded.
"Jared, I'm sorry," I breathed. "I don't know why the hell I did that. I'll never forgive myself, I… I'm just so sorry. You have to know that I really am sorry."
His eyes flickered away to the ground and around my head, not staying on my face.
I couldn't stand it. I wanted him to tell me how cruel and selfish and unfair I was. But he didn't. Because he's Jared. And he'd never do something like this to me. He's strong and considerate and he's so much nicer than I am. When he found out he was a werewolf did he run off, scared of what it meant? No, he didn't. He accepted it, dealt with it, and got on with his life, smiling and joking like he always does.
I'm not strong or brave. I'm just a mediocre girl who lives on the rez. I'm not a werewolf or something extraordinary – Jared was right; we are completely the opposite. I didn't belong in this world and my body and brain knew that. My heart was what was having problems dealing with that. My heart wanted Jared and it wanted everything to do with him.
"I told you," he said, blinking quickly, his voice grave. "I told you that's what would happen and you –"
I pressed my lips together to stop them from wobbling.
"I told you I was a fucking monster," he whispered angrily and moved away, chucking whatever it was he had in his hand at the wall, smashing it into a million pieces and denting the wall.
I pulled at his arm again but he wouldn't look at me. His jaw was clenched and he was breathing carefully.
"Don't – please don't say that, Jared. You're not in the slightest."
I know that he probably wanted anything but to touch me, but I couldn't take it. I wrapped my arms around his stomach and hugged him as hard as I could.
I love hugs. I think they're the best. They can make your day feel so completely different. Michele hugged me the other day, just randomly, and it makes you happy. It's just the physical closeness of having another human being pressed against you, knowing that they care for you.
Although me hugging Jared probably just made him even angrier...
I knew he wasn't really angry, though. He was just upset and it's easier for him and his friends to be angry than upset. The guys don't like to show 'weakness'. It's like Paul and how he thinks it's a weakness to show love for someone. He doesn't want to like me or be my friend and he doesn't want to fall in love with a girl and trust her. It's just easier to pretend you don't care than to show you care and get it thrown back in your face.
Jared wasn't like that. He wasn't scared to show he cared. The boys poked fun of him for it sometimes but he didn't care, because he trusted me not to throw it back in his face. Yet that's exactly what I did. I was the person who, above everyone else, shouldn't have done that.
"I'm so sorry. That's not why I ran – you have to know that. I ran because I'm an idiot, I did it because it was real and I didn't want it to be real."
I sighed. "I know that's a shitty excuse, and you probably hate me right now, but that's why. This has been so hard to try and make sense of that I just sort of gave up trying, and then it all… fell into place and I panicked. I don't want to believe in vampires and werewolves because – because it's insane. This is insane. It's not physically possible, but yet you do it and it was you and you were it. It just – I don't understand how. And I don't like not knowing things, you know? I like things nice and orderly and simple and that's sort of how my life has always been and I can always sort things out and I always know what's what and now there's this and it's just so freaking different and it's confusing and it doesn't make sense and I can't control it." I took a deep breath before I carried on with my long rambling spiel, trying to speak so quickly that I wouldn't have the chance to cry.
"I know that sounds stupid because you had to go through all of this and more, and you didn't freak out like an idiot like I did and you're always so calm and you've never ever been anything but lovely to me and I don't even have to go through a fraction of what you do, but it was just really… really strange," I finished lamely.
He sighed and finally wrapped his arms around me. He leant his head on top of mine gently.
"Are you – are you scared of me?" he whispered tentatively.
"Don't be daft!" I exclaimed, hitting his chest. "I could never ever be scared of you, Jared."
He pulled me closer. "Are you… revolted at the thought of touching me? Knowing what I am?"
I pulled away, the both of us blinking back tears. "Of course not! Don't even think that for one moment! Please, Jared, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did what I did – I just panicked and it was the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. I promise you it wasn't because I was scared of you or revolted or anything like that. Far from it, in fact! You're so beautiful and so magnificent but I just didn't get how it happened."
He sighed again and stroked my cheek with his thumb. "Your skin is so soft, did you know that?"
"Err…" I was a bit confused at the change of subject but it was a nice break from the heavy stuff so I wasn't going to question it.
"It's like touching silk. I can't get enough of it."
He bent down and gently brushed his lips over my cheekbone. "Everything about you is so soft." He gently squeezed my hip as his hands ran around my body, settling at my lower back.
"Yeah, I'm soft in the head and a bit fat."
He laughed loudly and it relaxed my ferociously beating heart.
"Aww, come on, Kim, don't be so hard on yourself. I told you before, you're not fat."
I laughed and poked his stomach – which wasn't nearly as soft as mine is. It's rather like poking bone, but you know it's actually muscle.
He pressed his forehead to mine. "I thought you weren't going to come back," he whispered ever so quietly. "And then I'd never get to touch your silk-like skin, or watch you blush a frightening shade of red, or listen to your beautifully dorky laugh, or hear all the wonderful little things you blurt out when you're nervous."
I placed both hands on either side of his rather large head as I brought his face down to look at me.
"You're unfortunately going to have to put up with that a little bit longer."
"Promise?"
I nodded and leant up onto my tiptoes and pressed my lips to his. "I promise. And I promise never to be as selfish or stupid or cruel ever again. Least of all to you."
"Don't speak about yourself like that, Kim. Any sane person would freak out at the sight of someone turning into an animal. I guess I'm just a bit touchy on that subject, especially when it comes to you," he said and I took his hand, taking a deep breath, and led him over to his bed. I sat down next to him and took a few minutes to psych myself up to it.
"You showed me a part of yourself that you didn't want to and you trusted me and I broke that trust," I started. He went to say something but I shook my head, cutting him off.
"You trusted me and I shoved it back in your face. You didn't want to phase in front of me and then I proved your reasons and worries correct, and I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life. I failed you, essentially. So now… now I'm going to share a part of me with you that I don't want to and that I'm scared about, and you can shove it back in my face." He frowned at me as I rummaged through my bag. "I'm trusting you with my diary. It's yours, on loan, to read. You can make fun of me all you want for being an absolute idiot."
I pulled out my little navy diary and held it tightly in my hands. It was now or never.
"Here, take it," I said, shoving it at him before I changed my mind.
"Kim, don't be silly," he said, pushing it back at me, to my astonishment. "If you don't want me to read it then I'm not going to."
"No, no. I want you to. I want you to know that I love you and that I'm not scared of you or disgusted by your touch…" He was actually gonna find out the opposite, and that I frequently fantasise over his great body and touch, so I suppose it would put those doubts firmly to rest.
He's was gonna go running for the hills after just the second entry. I sound so obsessive in this.
But it was the only way. He had to know how I felt because I couldn't live with him not knowing and thinking why I ran was anything to do with him. It wasn't him; it was this world. What else is out there, if the kindest and loveliest guy I know turns into a werewolf?
I don't like the term werewolf. It doesn't seem to suit him. Like I said before, he's so beautiful and magnificent, and that's not what you think of when you hear the term 'werewolf'. You think of a screaming person, howling at the moon as their body goes through a long and painful transformation. Jared's seemed somewhat effortless and fluid. You think of a werewolf as some rampant animal on the hunt to find and attack whatever it can get it's claws into. But it was just Jared, my lovely big softy.
"Kim, I know you don't want me to read it. You said quite clearly that you never ever wanted me anywhere near it. I'm not going to take it just because you feel guilty."
"Well, I changed my mind, Jared. Please, I need you to read it. I won't regret it."
He sighed but plucked it from my hands tenderly. I thought it would take a little more persuading but I knew he was really intrigued to read it. His curiosity seemed to have out weighed his worries to make sure I was absolutely certain, which was lucky because I definitely was not absolutely certain.
It looked so small and out of place in his big hands.
It was my diary. My precious little diary, of which I spilled all my thoughts, feelings, dreams and memories into. I was petrified, to say the least. But if he turned around and said 'You're a freak, leave me alone', then it's only fair, isn't it? We both shared ourselves with each other and now we're completely open.
I kissed his cheek and then leant back as his large fingers stroked the spine. I shivered like he was touching my spine… there are so many embarrassing thoughts in this…
"I, umm, I suppose I'll leave you to read then. It might take you a while, I ramble about pretty pointless things most of the time. You'll probably just flick through it, bored. It's not nearly as exciting as you think it is. "
He smiled at me and kissed me softly before getting up, taking my hand and walking me to his car. I told him I'd be fine with walking but he insisted, as always, to drive me home.
"Are you absolutely sure you want me to have your diary?" he asked as we slowly walked up to my front door.
"Yes," I replied automatically. "Don't give me a chance to take it back. I'm surprised you didn't grab it and run, you've been bugging me to read it for so long."
He laughed and gently touched my back. I looked up at him. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me." He bent down and kissed me.
"Jared?" I said as he started to walk away. He turned again. "I really am so dreadfully sorry."
He shrugged. "What's done is done, Kim. Don't stress over it, I forgive you."
I ran up to him and hugged him one last time. Partly because I love holding him, partly because I wanted him to know I meant my apology and partly because I was scared after he read that he wouldn't ever hug me again.
"I love you," I whispered and he kissed the top of my head.
"I love you too."
I eventually let him go and I went back into my house. When I went up to my room I felt… empty. It was weird not having it there to write in. I felt a bit bored.
I didn't see or hear from Jared for the whole of the next day. Panic was starting to set in. I had a lot of the school projects I was set over the summer vacation so I got them done. And I made lots of coffee. I do that a lot when I worry. I also played a lot of Solitaire, as it keeps my mind busy so I didn't think about the fact that Jared MIGHT NOT EVER SPEAK TO ME EVER AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
I also picked up my cell, wrote him a text only to delete it straight after, or contemplated calling him and then put it back down a gazillion times. But I told him I'd let him just read and that was what I was gonna do. I was gonna leave it. I'd find out eventually.
Even if it's because Momma Thail rang to tell me that he's fled the country to get away from me.
I tried to write a diary entry on a spare piece of paper and then I'd either stick it in or copy it out, but I couldn't. I just couldn't get my feelings or thoughts onto the page. It didn't feel right. It felt like I was cheating on my little navy book. It didn't feel secure to write on any old single sheet of paper. It could be lost or ripped or crumpled… it didn't feel as safe as it did when I wrote in my diary. My diary seems to hold everything in, not just the pages, but my thoughts.
Unfortunately, I then remembered that it wasn't so secure and it was being violated by someone else. He was reading every single ridiculous little thought that I've had over the past thirteen weeks. I didn't think it would be this hard. Okay, I did. But it seemed to go on forever. I forgot the whole actual 'reading' process when I handed it over. It didn't occur to me that I'd have to sit at home waiting for him to finish reading every little nerdy sentence.
My cell buzzed and an actual squeak escaped my lips. I clambered to quickly read it, my heart thumping.
'Meet me in your back yard in 30 seconds?'
I didn't reply to Jared's text; I chucked my cell up in the air and just legged it out the house.
There were no kisses on the end of it. Or a smiley face. That means this shit was serious.
I didn't even bother putting shoes on as I walked out the back door and onto the wet grass, my eyes scanning the trees desperately for a sign of him as my mind came up with a billion different circumstances that could happen.
I ringed my hands nervously.
Another squeak was ripped from my mouth as warm hands picked me up. The next thing I knew was that I was being pressed against the outside wall of my house and Jared's wondrous tongue was down my throat. I moaned, half with relief and half because the passion of Jared's kisses makes me lose all control over myself.
As my feet didn't reach the floor I thought I might as well give my legs something useful to do so I wrapped them around his waist, pulling him closer as my hands went to his arms. His hand fisted my hair at the back of my head as he pulled my lips against his urgently. I tilted my head back, happily submitting my mouth to the fiery claim of his.
He pulled back and pressed his forehead against mine, his eyes closed and his breath coming out even more ragged than my own.
"I fucking love you so much," he breathed as he pressed his face into mine, his lips caressing mine softly, making them tingle from the change of his previously rough touch.
I ran my hands up his chest to settle on where his thick neck merged into his broad, muscled shoulders.
"That's a relief," I replied, still a little dizzy. "I thought you'd get freaked out and avoid me for the rest of your life."
He smiled and shook his head, still gently pressing soft wet kisses to my lips and around my mouth.
I lightly ran my fingers up and down his neck. "So, um… you don't think I'm a freak?"
"Oh, you're definitely a freak," he replied, pulling back and looking me in the eyes. "But I love you anyway. More so, actually."
I smiled sadly and he stroked my cheek. "I mean it. I love everything about you."
I kissed him, not sure whether I believed him or not and then he sighed.
"Although, I am angry with you for one thing," he said and my eyes widened and I tried to regulate my breathing while I nodded my head for him to continue. "Do you know how freaking hard it was not to kiss you? Not only am I a teenage boy, but I also have a werewolf in side of me that really wants to claim his mate. It was so hard – like, I-deserve-a-freaking-medal, hard – not to kiss you senseless whenever I saw you, or whenever you'd do something cute or when you'd touch me, which I must mention you did a lot. And I didn't make out with you because that's what I thought you wanted and I wasn't going to be the dick that pressured or forced you into anything because I love you so much. And then I read your fucking diary and it turns out you wanted me to kiss you! Do you know how achingly frustrating that is?"
I blushed a rather worrying shade of almost purpley-red. I mumbled and fumbled on my words as I stared at his chest.
"Err, sorry," I eventually said and he laughed and pressed his mouth to mine.
"Oh, Kim. What the hell am I going to do with you?"
"Love me forever?" I offered, knowing it was wishful thinking.
Jared smiled and cupped my cheek.
"Yeah, alright then," he agreed easily. "I think that's one thing that I can do."
I stared into his eyes for as long as I could before I had to look away.
"You know, while it was probably the most flattering thing I've ever read, I think you've overestimated me. I'm really not that great or kind or hot."
I didn't say anything.
"Seriously, Kim."
"I know… but I love you. And so in my eyes you'll always be the greatest or kindest of hottest guy I know."
"That's a very high expectation. I'm scared I won't live up to it forever."
"But I'll always love you."
He looked at me and bit his lip. He nibbled on it for a while before sighing and taking my hand, walking us over to my garden bench.
"Kim," Jared said. "We need to talk about something else that was in your diary."
I turned to him, abruptly nervous again.
He stared back at me and took a deep breath. "You're going to university."
I sighed and looked away. "Jared…"
"No, Kim," he pushed me back down and sat next to me. "You're going and that's that. No arguments." I shook my head and he cupped my cheek, forcing me to look into his eyes. "You have to go."
"But I don't want to go anymore!"
"You know that's not true," he said softly. "And I can't live the rest of my life knowing that I was the reason you were held back, why you didn't follow your dreams and do what you wanted to do. You can't be stuck in a boring, mediocre job when we both know that not what you want. You can achieve so much more and I know you have the potential to create a fantastic career for yourself."
"But it's not even like that, just because you don't have a degree doesn't mean you won't get a good job! Thousands of people get their dream job without going into further education, so it really isn't a big deal, Jared."
His face didn't change. "But that's what you want, you want to go to uni and there's nothing you can say that will hide that because we both know it's true."
I shook my head and leaned into him, closing my eyes. "I want you," I whispered and he sighed and stroked my back.
"And you'll always have me. I'll be right here waiting for you when you come back. And I promise I'll come visit you every weekend. It'll be fine, Kim, we'll make it work. Everything will work out fine."
"I can't, Jared," I said, pulling away. "I can't spend one day away from you. I'll be missing you so much that I won't be able to even pay attention."
"We'll call every day – we'll freaking Skype or something, I dunno. But it'll be fine, Kim. It'll be worth it."
I sighed. "It won't be the same and you know it. Jared, it won't work out and I know that; I'm fine with that! Please don't feel guilty."
"Which university was your dream one again?" he asked softly and I looked at him.
"It doesn't matter."
"What did you want to do with your life before I came and messed it all up?"
I let out a noise and wrapped my arms around him tightly. "No, Jared! Don't even speak like that! You didn't 'mess' my life up in the slightest – you made my life a million times better than what it was!"
He buried his face in my neck. "It was Yale, I remember now. You're going. And that's the end of it."
"No it's not! Do you know how far away that is? Weekends aren't long enough for me to drive back, and how the hell would I be able to afford flights? It just can't happen. It's unrealistic. I probably wouldn't even get in anyway."
"Don't be silly, of course you would."
I wanted to study English and then intern at a magazine or a newspaper and eventually I want to be an editor or something like that. I wasn't quite sure but I knew I wanted to work in literature. Maybe that's why I've enjoyed writing this diary so much. I'd love to be an author but I know for sure that's never going to happen.
I've wanted to go to Yale for years because that's where most of my family have gone. Well, that's where the un-Quileute side of my family went, as well as my mom, because her dad's family all live in Connecticut.
He originally lived there and went to Yale, but met my Quileute Granny Anne when she was following her favorite band on a tour of America at the tender age of sixteen.
She ran away from home because her old man was a bit of a drunk and so she decided she was going to follow her dream, and her dream was to be a groupie. My poor old Gramps didn't quite know what hit him when he met her. He followed her around on the tour through his summer vacation, but as the tour drew to an end and his next semester at university started, he couldn't let her go home to La Push alone to a drunken and abusive father, so he packed up his stuff and dropped out, following her. You know what they say, when you go Native American, you don't go back.
Okay, maybe that's not quite right, but he left his posh life behind for a quite life on the rez and he doesn't have any regrets. His family were less than pleased that he ran after a girl three years his junior, leaving behind a promising academic future, but he always says he has all he wanted and never regretted a thing.
Mom, of course, thinks he was a fool and sided with her paternal grandparents. They came around eventually, but Mom has always been the type more interested in working than love. Well, she fell in love with my dad when she was young and swore never to do so again, because if she hadn't been so determined she'd never have been able to juggle law school and a child of a man who also had his sights set on being a lawyer, not a parent.
She 'chose' my step dad. She met him through a mutual friend and decided that he was going to be her next husband. Scott says he likes a decisive woman who gets what he wants and I'd say they're happily married, but I just don't see the passion in it.
Did I want to be my grandpa, who was content and as happy as anyone I've ever met, completely and totally in love with my granny, even after all this time? Or did I want to be a stressed workaholic like my mother, who barely made time for her family?
"Jared, there's nothing you can say that will make me go to Yale."
"Kim! You're acting like it's either go to Yale and leave me, or leave your dreams and have me. There are so many other options! Would you please just stop with this stupid notion that you have to choose between the two? It's your dream, and I'm going to be there, holding your hand every step of the way."
"But what about you? That's not fair on you."
"So what? It's fair that you have to stay here and not follow what you want? No."
"We can't go so far away."
"Well, why don't you just go to a closer university? Hmm? A compromise between both?"
I bit my upper lip.
"There are good universities in Seattle," he said. "And I can probably run in my wolf form to Seattle in like an hour."
"Or…" I said slowly and his eyebrow rose. "You could go to university with me."
He snorted. "Yeah, right."
"But you could!"
"And study what?" he asked, smiling.
"Science! You like that! Something to do with that, I don't know! Anything you're interested in!"
"I don't think I'm quite smart enough to get into uni, Kim," he said, laughing, but I shook my head vehemently.
"Oh, but you are! You're actually putting more effort in lately and you're getting such good grades! You could definitely get in!"
"I think you're forgetting the little conversation that you had with Paul; I'm a werewolf. My job is here in La Push."
"But why does it have to be?" I asked, my brain whirling with excited ideas. "You're a werewolf, so what? That doesn't mean you have to be tied here for the rest of your life! You said it before; you could run back here within an hour if anything happened. There are enough guys here, if they need some help you can come back for a bit. You shouldn't have to just put what's best for you in second place. I'm not saying you have to, but if you want to then you shouldn't put what you want to the side just because you've got a couple genes that were previously used to protect our people. You can't live your life for others, isn't that what you're telling me?"
He sighed. "Kim, I'd love to. I'd absolutely love to act like normal kid and go to uni, especially with you, but I just can't."
"But why not?" I really was far too excited.
He smiled and cupped my cheek. "I've got to protect the people of La Push. It's what's in my blood."
"But what does it matter if you take a couple years off? You can come back and protect it for the rest of your life! There aren't loads of vampires, are there? They're not gonna keep attacking La Push of all places, so there might not even be any more coming for years! What's the point of just waiting around? If you wanna do something, you can't let this hold you back!"
He brushed his thumb over my cheekbone. "You do make a rather convincing case."
I looked down. "And, well, you're a protector… so why don't you just come to uni and protect me… I'm Quileute, so you'd still be doing your duty by protecting me, and that's what the whole 'imprint' is about isn't? That you're here to keep me safe?" I looked up through my lashes, blushing at being so sly.
He groaned and covered my mouth with his. "You're not as innocent as you look, are you? Paul was right about that. You can make me do whatever you freaking want."
"No!" I protested, blushing harder. "I'm just explaining why it would be a good idea for you to come, if you wanted to. You don't have to, of course you don't, but you did say you'd like to be normal and go to uni…"
Jared pressed his forehead against mine. "I never realised you had me so wrapped round your little finger."
I hit him. "I do not! I'm not making you do anything!"
He smiled. "But now you've mentioned the vampire thing I won't be able to stay back, knowing that you could be in potential danger and there's nothing I can do about it. Vampires would probably attack cities rather than small little reservations like this."
"Well, that is true…" I bit my lip again.
He laughed and shook his head at me, pulling my lip out from between my teeth with his own.
"So that's it, huh?" he said, pulling back after a few minutes of kissing. "You just have to threaten me with your safety or make out with me and I'm your puppet?"
I groaned and leaned into him. "Stop making me sound so cunning, I'm not using Machiavellian tactics to make you do what I want! I'm just informing you on why it would be a good idea!"
"I know, baby, I don't mean it. I've always loved the idea of uni, I just never thought I'd be able to go – even before the werewolf thing."
Trying to hold down a grin, I kissed him again.
"Please don't get your hopes up." I shook my head and then he sighed. "God, then there's the whole business with having to pay for it. I dunno, Kim, I'd probably be in debt for the rest of my life."
"Jared!" I exclaimed. "You're a werewolf – you could probably get a scholarship through sport. Just pick an activity and go with it!"
He frowned. "What do you mean?"
"My cousin got a swimming scholarship with his university. I mean, it's not really one you apply for, it's more that you're scouted while in high school when you're like really, really good. But think about it, you're super human. You're probably better than any of the athletes who compete at the Olympics! You're so fast and so strong that you could probably be fantastic at any sport!"
He placed his hands on my face, smiling. "Calm down, Kim," he laughed. "That's not gonna happen. One, it's not just strength and speed; you need to have skill, too. Two, I have no idea how the hell to get a scholarship. And three, Sam would never let us take advantage of what we are for personal gain anyway."
"But you're not taking advantage!" I replied, angered. "It's your body, you can do what the hell you like with it!"
"But it's not exactly fair on anyone else, is it?" he asked. "There are probably loads of people out there who have to work so hard and train so hard to be good at sports, and I can't just waltz in and win a scholarship just because I'm a werewolf."
"Who cares? Do they spend their free time saving lives? No, I don't think so, Jared. I think you deserve a simple little scholarship."
He shook his head. "It's not fair."
"You have to live with being a werewolf so that you can keep people safe, why can't you use what you are to your own benefit? Hmm? Why does it have to be for everyone else and not for you? You're really religious, aren't you? If God didn't want you to use it, he wouldn't have given it to you, would he? You do so much that you deserve to use what you have to your own advantage."
He sighed and stared at me. I looked back at him, not backing down.
"I'll talk to Sam."
"Yes!" I wrapped my arms around him. "This is going to be so good!"
He groaned again. "Calm down, Kim."
I smiled and sat back on the bench, pulling my legs up. "Okay. I'm calm. It's just an idea."
"Yes."
"Yeah," I agreed, but I was still smiling.
"Anyway, we need to talk about more things."
I groaned. "But talking is so stressful…"
Jared smiled and kissed me.
And then I realised I wasn't my grandpa. I was quite like him in a few particular ways, but I was my mother through and through. I stress and I worry over exams and grades and schooling and careers and making the wrong decisions. I'll stay up all night biting my nail about whether I'm doing the right thing or if I've put the most possible effort in that I could have. I'm not carefree in the slightest.
I hope one day I can be brave like him but I know for now that I'm not.
"You worry too much," he said simply.
I freaked out a bit, scared that he seemed to be able to read my mind now that he's read my diary. What if that gave him a direct passage to how my mind works?
"Seriously, Kim. You fret about everything and you shouldn't. And you shouldn't worry about what I think of you – I love you, you know that. I'm never going to stop loving you, no matter what you do. And I know I've said this a billion times before but I find the things you do that you find embarrassing cute."
I shook my head and turned away so I was sitting with my back against the bench and crossed my legs.
"I mean it," he said. "You over think stuff way too much."
I sighed and stared at my back yard. It's weird seeing it now. I used to spend so much time in it when I was younger, now it just seems boring. There once was a time when Mom used to actually take time out of obsessing over her work to come play with Jason and I.
Jason used to spend half the day digging a hole at the bottom of the garden and the other half of the day would be spent trying to persuade me to get in it. Before he stopped coming over, this is where we'd spend the day with dad. Until it would rain, and then we'd have to go in because he couldn't possibly get his work clothes wet.
It would always rain.
It's weird looking at somewhere that is so familiar, but for it to hold completely different feelings for you.
"You can't exactly just tell your brain to stop thinking, Jared."
"Well, you don't have to worry about me leaving you."
"Why, though? Things change, even the things that you never thought would. You can't control what happens," I said softly.
He wrapped his arm around my shoulders.
"Just trust me, Kim."
"That's not a very confident answer."
I turned my head to look up at him. He smiled and titled my head up further.
"Trust me."
I stared at him for a moment before he ducked his head down and softly pressed his lips against mine.
When he sat up again I leant my head against his shoulder.
"How many times have you been in love?" I asked him curiously – not in a jealous or over protective way. Like he said, I have to trust him.
Jared tensed.
"Kim, I really don't –"
"I'm not going to get upset or angry," I told him as I pulled back. He still cringed. "I just want to know. It is only fair, you know, that you tell me what your past relationships have been like considering you've now read my diary and know I've had jack squat."
He sighed and ran a hand over his face.
"Twice, I suppose. Well, the first time I thought it was love but compared to how much I love you it doesn't even look like a crush."
I shrugged my shoulder because I didn't want him to think I was fishing for compliments or flattery. It was nice and made my tummy flutter a bit, but that's not why I wanted to talk about this.
"Who was it?"
He groaned and then brought his feet up onto the bench, crossing his legs and leaning his elbows on his knees, burying his face in his hands.
"Isi Hurit," he grumbled.
I nodded.
"You lost your virginity to her," I commented and his head snapped round to me in alarm.
"How the hell do you know that?"
I scrunched my nose up. "The girls at our school seem to like telling me little snippets of information about you."
They don't do it in a mean way, at least not intentionally, but more of just a gossip-starved way. Like 'oh my god you're dating Jared, did you know he lost his virginity to Isi? Apparently he wasn't very good to begin with but Becka says he's soooooo good in bed now – have you had sex yet? Is he really good?'
It's not exactly what you want to hear everyday. The girls in my year find me annoying because I won't give them any information about our relationship. I don't really see why people have to broadcast their relationship to everyone else. Plus what am I going to say? 'No, I haven't fucked him yet because I'm preoccupied with trying to come to terms with him being a werewolf, but please do give me some details on how hot you find my boyfriend.'
They just don't seem to realize that I don't want to listen to them drool over him. Yes, he's hot, I know that better than anyone. And I doubt most of them would be going starry-eyed over him if they knew half the shit I did. They all seem to like to prove that they know more about him than I do and they just don't seem to realize that sure, I don't know what it's like to have sex with him, but I know him way better than any of them.
"Oh. Right," he replied, rubbing his neck. "Sorry."
I shrugged. "It's not your fault."
He continued to cringe.
"Why did you break up with Isi… if you don't mind me asking, that is?"
He sighed and sat back.
"Well, we got together when I was like fourteen, after a while we broke up for like a year and then we got back together. We were together for like half a year and then broke up again. She broke up with me the first time because she 'went off me' and I broke up with her the second time because I realised she wasn't really my type."
I frowned at him. "How so?"
"It's sort of complicated. Let's just say there's a reason why Mom is so thrilled you're my soul mate. Before I phased I had a bit of a different view on life, which I think is understandable. Finding out something so huge, and finding out you've got such an important role in life changes your perspective on things. Before that my life was pretty much lazing around, going out with friends or getting laid. It's not like I was some big time rebel, but I was a teenage boy who didn't really have a care in the world."
"Now you get to worry about vampires attacking everyone in their sleep," I said, understanding. He nodded.
"Mom thinks you've turned me into a consciences, considerate and caring guy, but – no offence – it was mostly becoming a werewolf that shifts your understanding of life and how you have to be in life. It really showed how valuable life is; you can't just waste it and expect everything to just magically work out without having to put any effort in."
I turned to him, smiling teasingly. "That's really freaking deep, Jared. If the guys heard you speaking like that they'd break your face."
He laughed and pulled me into a gentle headlock. He pretended to be angry and fight me, but it turned into more of a cuddle.
"You know what else I learnt from reading your diary?" he teased, glaring down at me. I shifted around so my head was leaning on his lap and I was lying on the bench.
"Oh, please share," I replied sarcastically but he ignored me.
"You're naughtier than you let on."
I turned my head to look at him in surprise.
"I nearly choked on air when I read this and came across a swear word. I don't think I've ever heard you cuss badly. 'Freaking' seems to be the worst you ever say, so it was quite a surprise to know that up here," he tapped my head, "You were actually thinking words like 'fuck'. I wish that I could read your mind. I bet you're really rude and dirty minded secretly and just act all sweet and innocent."
I huffed and turned on my side so I was facing away. "I knew it was a mistake to let you read my diary. You won't stop making fun of me for the rest of my life, will you?"
"No," he laughed and bent over, kissing my head. "Thank you, by the way, for letting me read that. I don't understand girls at all, so it was quite nice be able to know what you were thinking and what your actual feelings were."
I so wish he kept a diary, because I do not understand half the things he says or does. Unfortunately, it seems that I'll just be kept in the dark with how the male brain works forever.
"Anyway, there's just a few more questions," I said and he nodded, settling back and resting his hand on the curve of my waist. He gently traced circles and patterns with his fingertips over my top.
"Did you lose your virginity the first or second time you went out with Isi?"
His hand faltered. "Erm. First."
"How old were you?"
"… do you really need to know that?" I didn't say anything and he sighed. "Fourteen."
I sat up and gaped at him.
"Fourteen!" He cringed. "Jared, you make me feel like the Forty Year Old Virgin!"
He laughed and shook his head, pushing me back so I was lying down again.
"Shut up, Kim. There's absolutely nothing wrong with respecting yourself waiting. Plus, it's only three years difference. And I know you think that I'm frustrated that you – what was it you wrote? Oh yes – you think I'm frustrated you didn't 'jump straight onto my cock'." My cheeks flamed red and I almost slithered off the bench onto a blushing heap on the grass, where I would stay for the rest of my live. "But I'm honestly not. I'm never going to pressure you into anything, not unless you're a million percent sure you're ready. And I absolutely and completely respect that you want to wait. I love that you have values."
"I really regret letting you read my diary."
He chuckled loudly and kissed my head again.
"You don't mean that," he said and I groaned because he was right, I didn't.
He continued to laugh as he ran his hand up and down my side.
"Seriously though, Kim. I don't care if I have to wait till you are forty; I'm going to wait for when you're ready. And don't worry about it, because I wouldn't be happy or comfortable having sex with you knowing that you weren't a hundred percent certain that this was the right thing."
"I think I nearly am, you know," I said, and you could tell that I meant it because I wasn't even that embarrassed about saying it.
There was something awfully freeing about letting someone read your diary. Now that I'd shared that with him I felt like I could share the rest of me with him.
"Well, like I said, not until you're one hundred percent sure."
"I think I'm like eighty/eighty-five percent at the moment."
He rolled his eyes at me but carried on the discussion about sex. And it wasn't the awkward moment of my life.
Well, that was up until I asked the dreaded question:
"How many people have you had sex with?"
He groaned and covered his face.
"Why even ask that?" he muttered.
I shrugged.
He sighed, "Are you sure you want to know?"
I nodded up at him and he cringed.
"Nine."
"That's not too bad," I said and he cringed again. "I'd be… tenth. That's okay. It's a nice round number."
He groaned louder this time and pushed me up so I was sitting and he turned to face me.
"See! This is why I didn't want to tell you! Why do girls always have to compare themselves?" he huffed. "It's not like you're just another girl I want to have sex with, okay? It's completely and totally different to that. My relationship with you is ridiculously different to any relationship I've ever had with anyone else, so why the hell do you have to compare yourself?"
"Well, it's kind of difficult not to when everyone else is, Jared," I said quietly.
"So!? Why do you have to care what everyone else thinks?"
I shook my head at him. "Not all of us are blessed with such high levels of self confidence that you can just wonder through life doing whatever the hell you like without thinking of the repercussions."
"That's another thing, Kim! Why do you have to be so insecure?"
"You can't honestly be telling me off for being insecure?"
He sighed. "That's not what I meant. I just don't get it. You think I'm so confident but I never even considered myself an overly confident person. I told you, you just worry too much."
I looked at him, slightly annoyed. "I can't just tell myself to be confident."
He stroked my face again. "Well, you should. You deserve to be because you're great… I'm going to make you confident."
I laughed loudly at his absurdity. "Right. How are you going to do that?"
With that carefree grin of his, he shrugged. "Dunno, but I'll do it. Trust me, I'll find a way. It might take years but I'll do it."
He stood up and extended his hand. "Come on, lets go inside, it's starting to rain."
"Jared…" I bit my lip. "Do you think we could stay here a bit longer?" I asked softly.
Because, like I said before, it always rains. The rain would always cloud over the good moments in my life. I didn't want it to wash ours away too.
"Fine but if you get a cold from sitting in the rain I'm not gonna slave over another bowl of soup 'cause it'll be your fault," he said, sitting back down and pulling me onto his lap.
I leant my face against his chest as the rain started to fall harder. I closed my eyes.
I know that Jared thinks I'm strange, but I loved that he didn't question it and he just sat down.
I was so glad to have found someone who would stay with me throughout the rain.
Kim Conweller
As I warned, there was a bit of a gap between updating, so I hope this killer long one makes up for it - and I hope it will keep you happy for a little while longer because I'm going on holiday for 2 weeks. I'm leaving in 1/2 an hour so you're very lucky to get this now! I didn't want to leave you without anything, so apologies if it's got a lot of mistakes, I'm going to go back and edit it properly when I return, but I thought I'd just give you a little something before I'm off again :) I was in a bit of a rush towards the end but I've had a bit of trouble with it.
I know I told a few of you that I was going to put an argument in there, but it just didn't fit in anywhere and I didn't want to force it. It won't be all sunshines and daisys forever though!
Thank you to everyone again for reading and reviewing, I appreciate the feedback!
Ashley C - I know, I'm sorry! I hope you liked it, thank you for reading and reviewing as always :)