October 23

Dear Diary,

SAVE ME FROM THIS HELL HOLE!

The wedding is rapidly approaching and my stepsister has turned into a monster. This weekend away was supposed to be relaxing and pampering… I've only been here a day and I already feel more stressed out than ever before. Even just getting down here was frustrating beyond belief.

I don't know why she's given herself such a short time to organise this wedding, but it's been chaos. Apparently the place which is about five minutes away from where we are now, is her dream place to get married in but it only had a free booking for this Saturday or in about two years, so of course she chose now, and now she's regretting it. I don't see why she couldn't just get married somewhere else, but never mind that now.

The most annoying thing at the moment are the other bridesmaids. Lydia's friends are freaking bitchy bimbos. I feel like I'm the mother supervising a punch of twelve year olds. I was originally worrying about being the only under-twenty here but I needn't have worried about feeling too young, instead, however, I feel like the grumpy chaperone. I mean, I thought I was becoming less boring but instead I'm feeling like the most boring person in the world. And it's not even as if they're just being petty, they're actually all quite spiteful to each other. I thought people grew out of that bitchy school girl phase when they graduated, but apparently not. So I don't even have that to look forward to when I get out of the shitty school back at La Push.

I don't understand why Lydia's so panicky, either. Sure, I can't talk because if it were me I'd be a nervous wreck, but she is going seriously crazy.

We got here and started to unpack – the journey down was bad enough... there was a lot of crying and whining; let's leave it at that – but all hell broke loose when Lydia realized that she'd forgotten to pack her favorite shampoo and conditioner. Her friends didn't exactly help the situation either, they just kept going on and on about how she used to be a hairdresser and therefore couldn't have a wedding with shitty hair, causing her to start crying hysterically. Noone seemed to remember that we passed a store about ten minutes drive before we got here, and that we could most likely get it from there. I dread to think about what it will be like when we finally get around to the ceremony.

Oh dear Lord. I'm really not looking forward to this anymore.

So I was stressed beyond belief and needing some reassurance so that I wasn't going to lose by mind. Guess what I did to unwind from my stress? I called my loving, caring boyfriend Jared because I thought it would be nice and helpful.

"I still can't believe you left me," he grumbled on the other end of the line as soon as he picked up. No 'hello'. No 'how are you?'. No 'how are you still coping after being taken away by Bridezilla and her airhead best friends?'.

I left early Thursday morning and it's hasn't even been a day yet, but I already feel like there's an aching hole in my chest.

I blew a raspberry down the phone because I'm a nice, mature adult, and slipped into my bed and under the covers. "At least it's only one more day!" I said as I laid down, content to just hear the sound of his voice.

"That's just not good enough. I'm already going insane."

"I miss you too," I replied, smiling at his fake angry tone.

"None of the guys understand. They've been so annoying."

"Aww, have they been mean to you, Jared?"

"Shut up."

I smiled and rolled over, curling up under the sheets and extra blanket. It's always weird hearing his voice but yet still being cold.

"I'll see you in, like, thirty-six hours," I murmured softly. "You'll probably sleep through most of it."

"Sleeping won't erase the pain you've put me through." I could imagine the pout that he was no doubt pulling.

"And what would I be able to do to erase that pain, Jared?"

It was silent for a moment. "Well, I'm sure I could think of a few things…" he said 'innocently'.

"You're a horny, sneaky little piece of shit, you know that?"

"Oh, Kimmy! I'm hurt and upset and now you're just insulting me! You are not the girl I fell in love with!"

I smiled. "Oh, is that so?"

"Yes. You're mean."

"Poor little Jared," I said sarcastically. "You're not the one who's had to endure Lydia and the evil idiotic cronies."

"Did they make you dress up?"

"Yes. They're all just so annoying. I didn't know you could even be so annoying. They've hit new records."

"What did they make you wear?"

"I'm not telling you."

He groaned. "Oh please tell me what the bridesmaid dress looks like? I'll be seeing it the day after next, anyway."

"Well, then it just means you don't have much longer to wait to see it."

He huffed and then the phone went quite for a bit. He and his mother had been trying to get it out of me for a while what color the bridesmaid dress is. Their bet is pink. But no, it's worse than that. Much worse.

"…What are you wearing now?" he asked in that same 'innocent' voice.

"Jared! Shut up!"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Jeez…"

I laughed and closed my eyes.

"I've really missed you. You and your laugh," he said softly. "I feel stupid admitting it. I mean, you only left this morning but I'm already feeling like I'm missing a part of myself."

"Me too..." I bit my lip. It was even harder to sit watching Lydia try on her wedding dress for the gazillionth time today, when all I was thinking about how far away Jared was. "I know I shouldn't say this but I'd much rather have just stayed at home with you."

"Come home now. Spend the night at mine in my arms."

"Don't," I groaned. "You know I would. Lyds would kill me."

"I promise to protect you?" he bargained.

"No. She'd never forgive me. You'll just have to stick it out a little while longer."

"I'm pulling an adorable sad face right now and you're not even here to see it!"

I laughed. "Save it for later and I might make it up to you."

"Don't say that Kim, because we probably have two very different ideas of what 'I'll make it up to you' means."

"I don't think we do…"

I fiddled with the sheets and bit my lip. "So," I said, taking a breath and trying to change the subject. Because I was trying to hint to him something that he probably wouldn't believe I was thinking. I'm just not good at this. "What have you been doing?"

"Oh, you know… moping around, whining about missing you, eating to try and fill the void you left in me when you walked out my life…"

"Stop moaning, Jared," I scolded and I heard his muffled laughter. "You're such a whiny bitch sometimes."

"Oh my fucking God, Kim!" he shouted. "Paul said that like an hour ago. Be nice to me!"

I giggled. "Well, you don't really help yourself. Paul did admit that he was probably a bit too mean to you today."

He huffed and started to say something before he stopped. "Wait, what? …did you talk to Paul before you called me?"

I cringed. "He called me…"

"Oh. My. God!"

"I couldn't exactly hang up, could I?"

"Yes you could! I told him that I had to leave 'cause I was waiting for you to call. He did that on purpose! He's such a little fucking shit – I'm gonna kill him."

"Aww, Jared! I'm sure he didn't mean too!"

"Yes he did! I specifically told him that you said you'd call me at eleven!"

He huffed a bit more. "Does it matter?"

"Yes!" he said indignantly.

"Why?"

"Because!"

I rolled my eyes. "You're such a girl."

He laughed but it died out slowly.

"Kim..."

"Mhmm," I mumbled as I shifted about in my bed.

"I love you. I love you with everything in me and nothing will ever change that."

I closed my eyes and breathed slowly. "Shh, Jared. I know. You're just trying to make me cry."

"No, I was just thinking that, what with me being so busy lately, I haven't said it in a while."

It was true, he has been very busy lately but that's okay; I understand it completely. He has to train a lot and his football team are like mega crazy good and they have match's all the time (apparently everyone else thinks sport is 'cool' now) but I get to go to all his matches, so it's not like I never see him. His mom and I usually just sit there and go crazy cheering him on.

He's actually really good at it because he's the person who gets the ball and runs all the way down to the end. I tried to learn the lingo but I'm afraid sport will never be something I understand. But anyway, he's really good at that because not only can he run really fast, but he's so used to ducking and weaving because of when he's a wolf, patrolling and whatnot, that it's practically second nature to him when he's out on the field. He can also kick the ball to another state and he can get hit/knock into people without even really feeling it so he's actually pretty fantastic at it already. I mean, I think there was definitely a little bit of talent in there already, and he's only as good as he is now because he's put a lot of goddamn hard work into it. He's got a lot of raw skill but there are some aspects to being a werewolf that have definitely helped him. Plus, he loves it so I'm not going to complain about not seeing him as much as usual because it makes him happy.

Oh god. I also don't mind the fact that Jared trains so much because of the clothes he has to wear when he plays. Those little tight white trousers are the death of me. Like, I can't even control myself when he wears them.

I didn't think asses or legs could look so hot. His legs are just so muscely. And the color clash is gorgeous. He's just so – uggh.

"Kim, are you even listening to me?" his voice brought me back from x-rated thoughts about my incredibly sexy werewolf boyfriend.

"Huh? Yeah, sure."

"You weren't listening to me at all, were you?" he guessed. "Are you tired?"

"Not really. You sound tired, though."

"I wonder why..." he mumbled.

"Jared, you're seriously not that worried are you?"

He snorted. "Yes, of course I am. What's to stop a leech jumping through the window and taking you away right at this moment?"

"Jared, what are the chances?" I said as I quickly got up and went over to the window, shutting and locking it tight.

"I'm going to hang up now, Jared," I told him as I got back into bed. "And you're going to go to sleep like a good little boy."

"No, no, no, don't hang up. I swear I'll get into bed but just don't hang up now, okay?"

"Okay but you have to get into bed now."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm now getting out of my jeans."

Not fair, my mind moaned, but I managed to bite my desperately horny remark down.

"Okay, I'm in bed now. Happy?"

"No, I want to know that you will actually get some sleep."

"No, I will. I'm only joking, Kim," he lied, not wanting me to start worrying about him worrying about me.

"Would you like me to sing you a lullaby?" I offered.

"Oh Jesus," he spluttered. "No, anything but that." I laughed. "I'm sorry, babe, I love you, but I'm afraid singing is not your forte. You should stick to being clever."

I laid on my bed, smiling like an idiot.

"You can read to me, though," he said. "I've missed your voice."

I rolled onto my stomach and looked at the bed-side table. "I'm afraid all I brought with me was Great Expectations, and I know that's not exactly to your taste..."

He made a fake retching sound. "Oh, you're such a nerd. Such a bore."

"Bite me," I replied, turning back over. "Personally, I don't know how you can't find the Victorian period incredibly interesting, I mean, any type of history literature is incredibly..."

I then spurted on nagging shit about how interesting I think books are until, eventually, Jared shut me up.

"Anyway, you know what I do find interesting?" he said with a yawn.

"What?"

"Your diary."

I groaned loudly. "Shut up!"

"No, please! Read your latest diary entry to me," he begged with that sweet, cute tone in his voice.

"No. Not gonna happen, pretty boy. That's not going to work this time."

"Aww, but Kim... I really want to just hear you read and I've already read most of it. Just start from the beginning..." he waited patiently while I thought about it until he finally had too much. "Please?"

I groaned and crawled over to get it.

"Why am I letting you bully me into this?"

"Because you love me with all your heart?"

I pulled open my little navy diary.

"Jared, you don't really wanna hear this," I told him and he groaned.

"Yes, I do."

"No you don't."

"Mmm, pretty sure I do."

I groaned loudly and gently opened it up, playing with the pages. "'Dear Diary,'" I started then cringed. "This is ridiculous."

He laughed sleepily. "Just read to me, bitch."

"The first thing I'm going to do when I next see you is hit you. It's not going to be the happy reunion you're imagining."

"You can try your best," he giggled evilly.

I huffed but eventually carried on. I don't know I let him talk me into it because it was pretty embarrassing. Although in the end it did get quite nice to read through it again and read to Jared. I waited until I was pretty sure he was asleep and then hung up.

I sighed and looked down at my now perfectly manicured nails.

The wedding is going to be absolute hell. And I'm for sure going to do something stupid.

When I get married I'm definitely not going to do all of this. I'm not going to make it into such a big deal – mainly because I don't want to be the centre of attention and because I don't want it to all be about wearing the right dress, or having the best flowers, or finest food. Lydia has become so obsessed over everything, and it's going to be so big. I bet she doesn't really know half the people who are coming, yet she's still scared shitless about what they're all going to think about it. I think it's all become too much of a production, rather than a service bringing two souls together. I know if I was to have something as big as this I'd freak out the same amount.

At least I get to have Jared with me at the wedding. At first Mom was having none of it, things with her and him haven't exactly progressed, but eventually I managed to persuade her into letting me invite him. It's not even up to her anyway, Lydia said I could bring whoever I wanted so I was really only going persuading Mom so I didn't have to turn round and tell her to go fuck herself. It's getting so bad now; I think she's about two steps away from forbidding me from seeing Jared.

I just really don't understand. Why can't she see that he makes me happy, and that's all I need? I don't get what her reasoning is. It's like she'd rather I'd be unhappy, than lose focus on my education. I'm getting fed up of having to hide things and go behind her back about it all. Eventually she's going to make me chose between her way of life or him and although we don't always get on, I don't want to fall out with her.

It's just upsetting because Jared's Mom is the personification of perfect. She's genuinely so nice and accepting. I mean, she accepted Jared being a werewolf, for God's sake! My mom can't even accept that I got a B in a test!

I just want to get out of that stupid little reservation. I can't stand the feeling that so many people have in La Push; that they're happy staying there for all their life. I couldn't even imagine staying there forever, doing the same thing every single day till you die. I understand that that's all some people want to do, but what's the point of living if you're not going to dream big and do things, and travel and learn?

My friends aren't exactly being helpful, either. They're all fighting and arguing at the moment and instead of being there for each other, they're ripping each other's heads off. Surely that's not how friends should be? Shouldn't we all be nice and look out for each other, and strive to see the other happy? Sometimes I feel like Lucy is proud when she and Michele have a verbal fight, and she wins. They always try to get me involved in their petty little fights, but I just don't want to. Unfortunately they can't seem to accept that. Aysel isn't much help either; she's a bit of a shit stirrer when it comes to arguments.

I've read so many books where they have these great friends, and these great family members who they can trust and rely on completely... at the moment I just feel like I'm never going to have that. I really hope that true friendship isn't just a myth cooked up for literature.

At least I've got Jared, which is a lot more than what some people have. I think that's why I need him so much, because if I didn't have him to depend on, then I'd go crazy in despair.

Isi is still doing her goddamn hardest to try and win him over, though. I was moaning to Brady about her the other day; he's noticed too her blatant attempts to seduce him, but apparently Jared remains clueless.

Brady is my little buddy now. He was having a really shit day last week and I found him alone, almost close to tears – not that he'd admit it to anyone; the younger guys are a bit scared to show any emotion because they think the others will make fun of them. I know the older ones wouldn't care, they'd rather try and help them, but I think he did find it easier to talk to me than have to talk about his feelings to one of the guys.

He hasn't told his parent's anything about him becoming a wolf and he's having loads of arguments with them lately because they don't understand. I could kind of relate to him, although I'm not going through it to the same degree as he is. I think he needed to just talk to someone and get it off his chest. I wouldn't be surprised that the wolf pack feel a bit isolated from everyone else.

He's such a sweet kid, though, and it's truly heartbreaking to see him so upset. It's not nice when even your own parent's can't accept you.

Anyway, I better try and get some sleep. We're having massages, a wax (enter incredibly scared and sad face here) and exfoliating mask thingies tomorrow. I know I should be really happy and excited at this lovely girly 'me' time, but I just find it awkward. I really hope the waxing is just my legs. I mean, if anything else... oh God.

Please no. Anything but that.

Why would you chose to go through something like that?

Urgh.

Wish me luck.

Kim Conweller

Sorry that it took so long to get this chapter, I have a hundred different reasons why but I'm sure you're not that interested to hear them all so I'll just say sorry for the long wait. I'm not quite sure when I'll get the time to write and post the next chapter but please write a review as they always encourage me to write more. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read/subsrcribe/alert or review this, I really appreciate it :) Apologies if I didn't reply to your review, I couldn't remember who I had or hadn't replied to but thank you so much!