Dear Diary,

Wow. Okay.

Sometimes I just want to blurt out what's happened just to get it out and onto the page but I think I'm going to refrain from doing that today. I'm going to start from the beginning, explain it all and get my thoughts out calmly and rationally because I'm still pretty emotional. I think that's probably for the best or this will seem awfully... I don't know. I'll probably have to rip this page out anyway but never mind. Here we go.

The weekend away was absolutely ridiculous. Considering it was a 'pampering retreat', I've never been more stressed or uncomfortable in my life. The 'pampering' aspect of it was just awkward; the thought of having strangers see my body was disgusting and the waxing was... words just can't describe it. The pain and awkwardness will never be etched from my memory.

I just don't think I'm that girl, you know? Lydia and her friends seemed to love it but I'm afraid it was a bit of a waste of money for me. We had our make up, hair and nails all done professionally. I suppose I feel a bit nicer now... I don't know it was worth it, though. Obviously Lydia looked gorgeous, especially in her stunning dress, but I can't help but think she chose the disgusting yellow bridesmaid dresses to ensure that she looked the best.

She did though, hands down. She's pretty anyway but she seemed to just look extra beautiful yesterday. Even if I didn't approve of her fiancé to begin with, seeing her as happy as she was definitely proved that she should marry him.

The happy, beautiful Lydia only lasted about two minutes though, and then she turned back into the pre-wedding monster she'd been all week. But she's entitled to be as annoying and crazy as she wants to be, even if I did think she was going to hit me in the face when my hair wasn't curling properly. I think I was just in a bit of a bad mood the whole weekend anyway. I mean, I guess it wasn't that bad and she wasn't that crazy I just... I really missed Jared. I know it's ridiculous for me to say that I missed him after such a short period but it doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that it's irrational, it doesn't make me miss him less. Sometimes I wish I could just tell myself to stop having these feelings or to stop worrying about things but that's just not how I work. Maybe some people can tell themselves to stop doing something or to stop thinking about someone or to stick to that diet but my body never seems to listen to my brain... which is really quite annoying, considering my looks aren't that great and my brain is really the only thing I've got going for me.

Anyway, I was missing Jared. Badly. I was irritable and I was trying not to text or call him too much because that's rude and I definitely didn't want to annoy Lydia anymore than what my hair already was so I tried not to contact him unless I was alone, but that didn't mean that he wasn't on my mind every second of every moment that we were apart. It was kind of like I left a part of me back home in La Push.

I did, really. He is a part of me now. He, the pack, the stories, this whole new world that he's introduced me to... I couldn't imagine my life being any other way now. It's like I've got this look into a completely alternate dimension and, well, I love it. It's scary and but I like that I've got this weird experience with them that noone else has. Unfortunately this also means that there's another thing preoccupying my mind when I'm supposed to be talking to Lydia about the best shade of nail polish.

In the end we just got a plain manicure because it looks more elegant. I quite like it. I like that a lot more than the yellow dress. Can we just go back and bring our attentions once more to the fact that it was yellow. Mmm. Y-e-l-l-o-w. Totally not going to clash with my skin tone or anything... Of course they all pretended that it looked wonderful but I know I looked ridiculous compared to all of Lydia's friends, who seemed to work yellow very well. And feeling so out of place and ugly just made me want to be with Jared even more. Luckily it wasn't too big and ruffled, it just hung straight down but still, it's yellow.

Oh god, I sound like the worst step-sister ever.

I promise I wasn't a complete bore the whole time and I actually was happy to be there – sort of. But I was looking to the wedding and she was beautiful and it was lovely.

But when my eyes locked with Jared's I can't deny that I felt a million times better. I was so glad that Lydia invited him because I think I was too much of a nervous wreck to get through it without him there.

The breath was knocked out of me just from the sight of him. He started smiling but I just couldn't speak. Just seeing him drives my emotions crazy but after having gone so long, and missing him so much, I was incapable or breathing, talking or anything, really. It's like all I could focus on was him.

Also, it didn't help that he was wearing a goddamn suit. He's drop dead gorgeous anyway but there's just something about a suit... let's just say I got a little bit distracted during the ceremony.

It was beautiful and magical, though. Lydia looked wonderful and seeing the way Richard looked at her completely dissipated the thoughts that he didn't love her; from the look in his eyes there was no denying that he was head-over-heels in love with her and she the same. At first I had to admit that I thought maybe she was just with him for err, alternative motives, but that's totally not the case. It was so lovely, so empowering to see her marry him against everyone elses opinions. Usually all Lydia cares about is how she's perceived by other people, but not with Richard. She usually goes out with right dickheads so I'm glad that the one thing that does change about her is the person that she's going to be spending the rest of her life with. Even if Scott didn't approve so readily, they definitely proved their love to everyone by the way they looked at each other and the way they read their vows as if there wasn't any other person in the room. Richard looked as if he could be her father but what does that matter? Who really cares as long as their happy? What's the point of anything in life if at the end of it you're not happiness? If they find someone who makes them happy then they should hold to that.

I hope Mom was taking notes because she's not going to win the same ongoing argument over Jared. As it's my last year at school she's doubly unhappy that I'm so serious with him. And she sort of over heard that Jared is trying to get into university. This made him look better in her eyes but it also meant that she's now a little angry that I'm trying to ensure we get into the same one. I'm taking a leaf out of Lydia's book, though, and I honestly couldn't give a shit.

When Jared and I finally got to be in each others arms, I realised that that's all I need in order to do well in life, not my mother's approval. I felt like the ugliest girl in the world standing next to the other bridesmaids, but when Jared was holding me, staring at me in that way he does... then that feeling disappears and I feel like I could achieve anything.

His fingers gently stroked my cheek, cradling my face as if I'd break.

"You look beautiful," he whispered, pressing the softest kiss to my lips. I wouldn't go so far as to say he makes me feel beautiful, and I still get embarrassed, but I definitely think he's had a positive impact on my self esteem.

"You look hot," I replied, smiling up at him. His serious face broke and his breathy chuckle made my insides tingle.

He pressed his forehead to mine and sighed. "I've missed you."

I'd forgotten completely about the whole weekend, about how much I'd missed him and pined for him. It's like just seeing him wiped away all those bad memories; he always seems to have that affect on me. When I'm with him I'm not thinking about how my Nan's battle with dementia is already getting worse, about how I should be studying more, how I should be looking at more uni courses, about how I need to a billion things; all I care about is me and him and being happy.

"I missed you too," I said and kissed him. I didn't want to pull away but I had to go speak to everyone. It's weird because Lydia's my sister but yet I knew barely anyone there. All I ever see is her father's side of the family but Scott's parents have strangely taken me and Jason to be their almost-grandchildren. They're always so nice and treat us so wonderfully... I see them more than my real ones on my dad's side. But I prefer it this way round.

The wedding reception was really nice. Lydia got a little bit more than tipsy (Richard had to pretty much hold her up on their first dance) but she cut down towards the end because she didn't want to get too drunk. I think it fitted her personality more than for her to keep up the elegant act all night. It wasn't the most perfect or romantic of nights and there were still those boring family dramas and everything, but just seeing them together made my heart ache because they were so in love.

Mom as usual went back to the hotel at the same time as all the oldies started knocking off because she had a 'headache'. She's so boring, it's ridiculous. Scott was going to stay until the end to ensure that everything was okay and everyone got home okay because he's just that kind of father.

It was so nice seeing Scott and Lydia having a dance too. I know he misses having her around and the only reason he didn't accept Richard to begin with truly was because he only ever wants the best for her and didn't he know if Richard was that guy. Sometimes I don't know whether my Mom has my happiness as her first priority with me.

As he was in such a happy but yet sad and vulnerable mood I decided that I wasn't fulfilling my step-daughterly duties if I didn't take advantage of this.

"Will you give me away at my wedding?" I asked when I found him alone at a table, having sent Jared off to get our coats.

Scott looked up at me as I sat next to him. "Of course," he said, a little taken back. "You know I would. You don't have to ask."

I smiled. We talked for a little while until I saw Jared coming over. I gave a fake yawn. "Scott, do you mind if I just drive back to La Push tonight with Jared? I just want to sleep in my own bed."

He looked at me for a moment, obviously wondering how Mom would react. He obviously either wanted to be nice to me or was underestimating Mom's protectiveness. I think it was the former.

"Sure. It's not like there's anything else for you to do here, Lyds and Rich are flying off to their honeymoon tonight." I wondered whether he was just trying to build up the argument for when he told Mom. But the fact that he called Richard 'Rich' made me smile. He's definitely accepted him.

I gave him a hug and thanked him profusely. Jared shook his hand and I then I dragged him away as fast as I could before Scott had the chance to change his mind.

Lydia almost started crying when I said goodbye to her and that nearly set me off too. I don't know why, but it was nice.

I wish things were different. I wish Scott were my dad and she was my real sister, but I guess if that were the case then things would be completely different. I'd view them both so differently; I probably wouldn't appreciate Scott as much and I would argue with Lydia as much as I do with Jason. I should just be happy with the way things have turned out, there's no use wishing for more because if I think about it rationally, having a stepdad who loves you is better than having nothing at all, which is what a lot of people have to live with. Really all I want is my mom to care a bit more about me as it seems weird the only one I can count on is the one who's not blood related. Mom and I just argue so much and I don't even remember the last time we had a talk about this. I don't remember the last time she asked me how I was. I don't remember her ever doing anything or saying anything to give me an inclination that she cares about how I am.

Maybe Jared's just spoilt me with how much he cares about me. I just can't wait to move out.

"You want to go back to your house?" Jared asked as we made it over to his car. I nodded. "Are you tired?" He stroked my hair behind my ear.

"No, strangely enough," I said, taking his hand and kissing it.

He pinned me against the car and kissed me till I was breathless, his hands moving to my face and then my hair.

"You really do look beautiful," he said, his eyes intense and serious.

"I look like a poufy lemon, Jared," I said, smiling.

"No you don't! It suits you."

"Right," I replied, amused. He smiled because he knew I wasn't listening to him. We were leaving a bit early because I didn't want to get home too late... Unfortunately that means that it was still light enough that Scott's parents saw us making out against Jared's car. They waved awkwardly.

I cringed and waved back, Jared laughed and we stood there in silence until they got in the car. They looked over and waved again, frowning, before driving off. I groaned and leant my head against his chest and we started laughing again. I shivered because it was getting cold and Jared ran his hands down my back. My shoulders were completely bare so his skin on mine was nice in all sorts of ways. I shivered again.

"Drive me home?" I bit my lip and his head tilted to the side for a second before he nodded and pecked my lips one last time and we got in the car.

I fiddled with my fingers.

"Today was really nice," Jared said. I nodded. "Your mom actually smiled at me today!" he joked.

Although I smiled, I couldn't help but feel guilty.

"My family are boring aren't they?" I said. "They're not exactly party people... I'm sorry, I should have warned you."

He laughed. "Kim, seriously, it's fine. It was lovely."

"Really?"

I can't help but feel a bit of an idiot in my big yellow dress and my family who go home at about ten o'clock, thinking that's incredibly late. From what I've heard of Jared's family, expecially his aunts and uncles, they're the definition of 'party people'.

"Yeah... you're not exactly the one with the family to be embarrassed about," he said sarcastically. I looked at him. His family are great.

His eyes shifted to me and he snorted. "My family are descendant from fucking werewolves, Kim! Jesus!"

I laughed loudly. "Okay... yeah you beat me on the weird family card."

I guess it's just something that I've accepted so much that it didn't really occur to me.

Jared looked over at me briefly and smiled, his eyes shining.

He's so attractive. Like, in everything he does he still seems to carry an air of sexiness.

I know it's not all about looks and I love him for a billion other reasons, but he's really so far out of my league.

He is also ridiculously distracting. And – urgh, okay. This is awkward. But it's just been very hard to deny doing the dirty with him. Especially when I have to watch him running around a field in those freaking football pants all the time. I don't know why they wear them but I'm just very thankful they do.

But I think it was definitely the suit that tipped me over the edge tonight. Plus the fact that we were at a wedding; it sort of set it in my mind that we were going to do that at some point.

He's just so perfect to everyone like all the time, the perfect gentleman. I'm not saying he is the perfect gentlemen, definitely not by some of the things he says and he's not always chivalrous, but he definitely acted that way in front of my family and that's really all I want. Maybe it would be nice to have someone who's the complete gentleman but that's just not Jared. He's half way in between and that's perfect for me. I'd hate it if he was always too over the top, it would just make me feel awkward; I like that he's relaxed enough to be a bit of a jerk sometimes.

That makes me sound ridiculous, doesn't it? I just think that I'd get too overwhelmed if he was perfect in every way and I wouldn't build him up to be something like that because I realise now that that's not fair on him.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked. Then he cringed. "Okay that made me sound like a proper obsessive, over-protective boyfriend. Don't answer that."

I grinned and laughed at him. "I was thinking about you," I told him anyway.

"I sort of got that from the staring..." he said, faking an awkward look. I hit him but laughed.

"Who do you think, if anyone, will imprint next?" I asked him casually, changing the subject from where my mind was.

He smirked. "I really hope Paul. So so so bad."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Why would that be funny, Jared?"

He smirked harder. "Oh come on, Kim. You know you're the best thing that's happened to be but you can't deny after the shit he gave me it would be hilarious to watch him go through that."

"I suppose he did wind you up a bit."

"'A bit'? He was so bad! All he'd ever do was drop ridiculous hints and try and get in the way because he knew that you were my soul mate and that I was so petrified of trying to talk to you. He was such a shit. I'm going to be a hundred times worse to him if he does ever imprint."

"Petrified?" I repeated, amused.

He shot me a look. "Shut up," he pouted.

"No you weren't!"

"Yeah I was!" he replied. "Well, if you didn't notice then Paul obviously didn't do a very good job and I hid it very well. Or you were just oblivious. Probably that – you didn't even notice that Brady was chatting you up the other day."

I let out a loud laugh. "Leave Brady alone!"

Ever since our little chat we've been quite close but Jared seems to think Brady has a crush on me, which is bullshit because he's like, what, four years younger than me? He's so nice though.

"Yeah, definitely oblivious."

"I think we should go back to talking about you being petrified of me," I grinned.

His face pulled into a genuinely embarrassed look and I let out an 'Aww!'.

"Was the little wolfy scared?" I asked in a baby voice, pinching his cheek.

"I'm driving!" he exclaimed, pushing me away jokingly.

"I wish I'd known you were as scared as I was," I said and he gave a little nod, his ego obviously not happy about this direction of conversation. "It feels ages ago... like before you imprinted."

He gave a firmer nod. "God, I don't know how the others do it. I honestly don't think I could have gotten through half of this shit without you."

"Me too."

"Just the little gap between phasing and imprinting was bad enough... although having to come to terms with being a werewolf and trying to win over the affections of a girl way out of your league was definitely difficult."

I splutered. "You're delusional."

"You're ten times smarter and nicer than me, Kim. And you're forgetting that I'm not even human."

I scrunched up my nose. I hate it when he talks about me. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I'm phishing for compliments but I'm realy not. They just make me feel uncomfortable.

"You're wrong. And you know I don't care about what you are."

We talked about not so serious things for the rest of the drive back to La Push but if my mind wasn't set before, I knew for certain now: it was going to happen tonight.

When we finally arrived at my house the nervousness had my stomach tied in knots.

We sat in the car for a moment in silence. I think he could sense my nervousness but I don't think he'd worked out why yet.

"Do you um... do you want to come in?" I asked, biting down on my lip.

My eyes flickered over to his. He seemed a bit confused as usually he'd just come in anyway.

His head tilted to the side again and then his eyes widened and his mouth dropped down.

He got it.

"Come in?" he gulped.

My teeth dug even deeper into my lip. "Come in."

I smiled nervously, although I think it was more of a grimace. Not exactly sexy.

He nodded and we got out of the car, him opening the door for me. He is gentlemanly sometimes.

We got inside the house and he shut the door. Jared stepped closer and I bit my lip again.

"Are you sure?" he whispered and I nodded.

"Do you err... want a drink or anything?" I asked. Mmm. Sexy again.

I don't know why I'm so awkward all the time.

He shook his head, stepping closer and tentatively bending down to press his lips to mine. When they met, as always, the tentativeness dissipated – I never stay that nervous for long as natural instinct seems to take over before I even realise what's happening.

But this time was a bit different. This time our lips locked with the knowledge that something else was going to happen. We've gone... pretty far but we still haven't had sex yet and Jared's been patient and caring and everything's been wonderful. But I really just cannot come up with a reason why we should wait any longer. I'd been thinking that for a while.

"Shit, I don't have a condom," he gasped as he pulled away, his face horror-stricken. It made me smile and put me a little bit more at ease. But then I realised we'd actually have to talk about this and I got nervous again. I took his hand and led him upstairs.

"Erm, I've sorted that. And I'm on the pill."

"Shit," he repeated and I smiled nervously as he followed me closely up the stairs.

Well, really, I was never going to be anything but one hundred percent precautious. I know it would be so typical that I get to be the one knocked up just before I graduate. Buying condoms and having to get the pill was probably one of the most awkward moments of my life though. I was so certain that someone I knew was going to just walk past. Or my mom. I was definitely most nervous about my mom finding out.

We walked into my room and as I turned to him he caught me and pulled me closer; one hand tangled in my curled hair and the other danced up my back. My hands clung onto his chest. He held me close then pulled away again, breathing heavily.

"I – Kim, are you sure?" He ran his hand over his face. "I'm fine with waiting because that's what you want –"

I shook my head, cutting him off. "No. I want you. I'm ready."

He was the one biting on his lip now. He cupped my cheeks and pressed his forehead against mine. "This isn't very romantic... you deserve a lot better than this..."

I smiled and pressed my lips to his. "Would you feel better if I lit a candle?" I murmured, kissing along his jaw. He nodded and I laughed.

"I'm not pressuring you into anything, am I, Jared?" I joked and he smiled and pulled my face to his, his lips pressing hard against mine.

"I want you so, so bad, Kim. But – are you sure you're sure?"

I smiled and it wasn't such a nervous grimace this time.

"I'm so sure, Jared. I'll never want anyone else and I just... I want you now and I'm fed up of waiting. I can't imagine I'll ever be more ready than what I am at now. I love you."

He let out a groaning noise then pulled me into a heated, passionate embrace. When I pulled away I could feel my hair was in disarray already. I tried to flatten it as I pulled it to the side, over my shoulder.

"Could you...?" I turned and his fingers fumbled at the laced up back of my dress, our heavy breathing filling the room. He pressed soft kisses cross my shoulders.

"Your skin is so soft," he murmured. Okay, so I guess the pampering weekend was helpful and came at the right time.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten a few times because the nervousness kept creeping back. I hoped he wasn't listening to the erratic beating of my heart because it was a little embarrassing.

When he finished I cringed. I let the dress drop down and stepped out of it, trying to be as elegant as possible (which, for me, means to not fall over) and I folded it as nicely as I could but then just placed it on the floor. I didn't have the bag it came in and honestly, I wouldn't care if I never saw that dress again.

I turned back to him but I couldn't face to look at him so I kept my head down. His fingertips brushed my stomach and settled on my waist.

This probably wasn't the best time because my underwear was pretty skimpy – I didn't want them showing as the bridesmaid dress was strapless and made of very thin material. That just lead to even more embarrassment as more of my incredibly-flawed body was on show.

"Oh my god," he breathed and ducked his head down to meet mine. He pushed it up with his face and pressed his lips to mine.

"Please don't be nervous," he said, tracing my lips with his fingertips. "We can stop whenever you want, you just have to say. Tell me what you're thinking."

I looked up into his eyes, which was a lot for me. I nodded and stopped biting my lip. It was silly really for me to be nervous when I was the one who was initiating this. I suppose you can't ever get those little worries off of your mind, no matter how sure you are.

"You're so beautiful, Kim."

I pushed off his jacket and he pulled me into his arms.

"Why can't you see how sexy you are?" he said as he kissed me roughly, but with such tender sweetness. He's always just so gentle – something I'm surprised at as he's this big strong werewolf. I expect him to not realise how strong he is, considering he got this supernatural strength so quickly, but around me he's so tentative. I have to admit I was a bit worried that especially during sex he'd get a bit too rough, but I think he worries about hurting me too much to ever let that happen.

We fell to the bed in a mess of tangled limbs and although I was awkward and shy for the most part, I did lose my nervousness. It was everything I'd expected and a hundred times more.

In ways I can't believe I'd waited that long without it, but then it was just so beautifully perfect that I couldn't imagine it any other way. Yes, it was awkward and I didn't really know what I was doing and it hurt but Jared is just so wonderful and his caresses are the softest and gentlest but yet the most mind-boggling, skin-tingling sensation I've ever felt. I couldn't possibly start to explain or describe it.

I wasn't expecting perfection and I didn't get that, but there was no realistic way for me to get it because I would always be awkward, but I could never imagine losing my virginity to anyone other than Jared. I've never met a person I've felt more comfortable with and I'm so glad I wasn't one of those girls who lost their virginity to a guy they barely knew at the age of, like, fourteen.

"I love you," he murmured as we settled into bed, drifting off to sleep, our bodies wrapped around each other. "Always know that I love and care for you."

I kissed him. "I love you too, more than anything and anyone."

"Marry me," he whispered, kissing my neck.

"I'll hold you to that," I laughed and he ran fingers down my heavily rising and falling chest.

"Please do. I mean it! I want to spend every day with you and every night in your bed for the rest of my life."

"Shouldn't it be the girl who gets emotional after sex?" I asked jokingly and he smiled and pulled me onto his chest. I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat, feeling complete.

"Jared..."

But like I said, I couldn't possibly put my thoughts or emotions into words.

"I know," he said softly and kissed the top of my head.

And that's what made it perfect for me; I can just trust him so much and I know that he just gets me. All I cared about was loving him, I wasn't worrying about what he was thinking and whether he thought I was fat. Initially I was but I think something's changed, the way I view our relationship, I think.

I'm so glad. In the morning he asked whether I regretted it but thoughts like that had never even entered my mind. It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't disastrous. I couldn't imagine it any other way.

Yeah, I'm definitely ripping this page out.

Kim Conweller

I'm sorry it's been so long since the last update! I know everyone always says that they've been too busy but I truly never seem to get the time to write. Hopefully it won't be too long till the next chapter. I can't believe this is the 29th chapter... I hadn't planned on it being this long and there's still quite a bit coming which will shake things up for them.

Thanks to everyone who'd reading and reviewing, I really do appreciate it! I hope I manage to reply to you all, and I've left a message to the unsigned reviewers below. It would be great if you could leave a comment about how you find this chapter, I wasn't sure whether it had too much or too little awkwardness for Kim. Thanks again! :)

ixdookiie - Thank you for reviewing :) And no she started from the begining of the diary, plus she would have written the last diary entry after she got off the phone with him, if that makes sense? And also I think I read a bit of that fanfiction before I wrote this, and that's sort of why I started it because I think the Kim's in other peoples stories was never really how I imagined her. Haha but yeah, thanks for the recomendation :)

London Chick96 - Thank you so much, I'm really glad you liked this and Love Is Strange, that means a lot :)