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Chapter 17: Therapy

Sirius walked through the halls of Hogwarts. He had been strolling for about forty-five minutes, just remembering the place. Now he was heading to Dumbledore's office, where he'd told Harry to meet him. Ginny and Remus were already having their therapy session, in another room. Once Harry got to Dumbledore's office, Sirius would show him where that room was, because that would be where Harry would be having his session, right after Ginny.

The black-haired man couldn't wait to see his godson again. True, it had only been a week since he'd seen him, but the longing was unmistakable. He wanted to make sure his "kiddo" was safe, and he vowed he'd never let anyone hurt him again.

One thing he was going to have to try hard to do was hold his temper during Harry's session with Remus. He knew that many things Harry would tell him about the Dursleys would get him all riled up. "Listen to me," Remus had said to him that morning. "I know that you're very angry about what Harry's been through, and so am I. But when he's talking about it, you mustn't get upset, Sirius. That's the last thing he's going to want to see. He needs support, not anger. Plus, if you get angry, he might think you're angry with him. He's had people angry with him his entire life, and may mistake your temper as anger towards him, not on his behalf. I don't want to have to tell you to leave the room, because I think you need to be there too, and Harry needs you there for him. But you have to promise me that you're going to hold yourself together."

Sirius had agreed, telling himself that he had to be strong for Harry. But he couldn't help the anger and guilt that bubbled up inside him. He could hear the taunting voice of nightmare-James in his head, telling him Harry's suffering was all his fault. The accusatory look in his best friend's eyes that he had to see almost every night just about killed him emotionally.

"Fizzing whizzbee," Sirius said to the gargoyle, and it sprang aside to allow him entrance.

"Hello, Sirius, my lad," Dumbledore greeted him cheerfully. "How are you this morning?"

"I'm fine, Albus," Sirius said. He had to admit that a big part of him was still not happy with Dumbledore for leaving Harry with the Dursleys. Another part of him told him to let it go, that Dumbledore had meant his godson no harm, but he couldn't help feeling this strong resentment.

"Would you like a cup of tea?" Dumbledore asked him.

"No, thanks. Harry will be coming in just a minute," Sirius answered, "and then we'll be heading to our first session."

Dumbledore sighed and put a comforting hand on Sirius's shoulder. "There's no need to hide it, my boy," he said softly. "I know you're still angry with me, and you have every right to be. But I assure you that I did not mean for this to happen. Harry's a strong boy, though, Sirius. With you and Remus's help, he will be fine. I am sure that sharing things with young Miss Weasley is also helping him. Friends are a great comfort, are they not?"

"They can save your soul," Sirius said quietly. "Growing up in my family, I don't know how I would have turned out if not for the Marauders. Would I have succumbed to my family's bigotry and insane pureblood fanatics? Would I have just been another Black?" he spat.

"There is no use thinking about what would have happened," Dumbledore said. "You had your friends, and they led you down your path. But it was also because of you, Sirius. You do not give yourself enough credit. Your friends may have helped, but it was really you who made the decision not to follow in their footsteps."

Sirius nodded, but inside, he felt that it was mainly his friends who had saved him from just being yet another stupid, mindless Black who was in to the Dark Arts and thought blood purity was the best thing in the world.

After a couple of minutes, the two men heard someone else ascending the spiral staircase. There was a knock on the door. "Come in," Dumbledore called. In walked Harry, looking worried and nervous.

"Hey kiddo," Sirius said, catching Harry in a hug. "How've you been?"

"Alright," Harry muttered. "How about you?"

"Good, good," Sirius said, sounding cheerful for Harry's sake. "Remus is in another room with Ginny now. They'll be done in about five minutes, though. So it's time we headed there. This room is a very special room. Us Marauders used it all the time," he said with a grin.

"Oh really?" Harry said, sounding interested. "Where is it?"

"It's on the seventh floor, near the statue of Barnabus the Barmy," Sirius said.

Dumbledore chuckled. "Ah, yes," he sighed, reminiscing.

"I've never seen it before, I don't think," said Harry.

"Well, you'll love it!" Sirius said jovially.

"Goodbye, boys," Dumbledore said. "Would you like a lemon drop before you go?"

"Um, no, thanks," Harry said, and Sirius declined as well. They wished the Headmaster a good day, and started walking along the corridors.

"Now, this room," Sirius said, figuring he'd try to get Harry's mind off uncomfortable things by telling him a little more about the Marauders. "This wonderful room is not on the Marauders' Map. The reason for this is because we do want the next generation of mischief-makers to know the secrets of Hogwarts, but we do not want to share all of them! We only want to share the special ones with the people who are worthy of knowing them!"

"And I'm worthy then?" Harry asked, a glow of mischief beginning to shine in his green eyes.

"I think you are, kiddo," Sirius grinned. "But when we were in school, we wanted to have a place that absolutely nobody would find if they ever got hold of the map by accident. I'm sure other students have found it before, but our band of Marauders always liked to believe we were the only ones who knew where it was. We always used it to practice our Animagus transformations while we were learning."

"How did you discover it?" Harry asked curiously.

"Ah, it's called exploration, my boy," Sirius chuckled. "What did you think we did at night, while everyone was in bed?"

"Play pranks on people," Harry suggested.

"Yeah, there was that," Sirius said, "and there was lots of exploration. It was Remus who actually found the place. I'll show you just how he found it, once we get there."

They walked in silence until they got to the seventh floor. Right near the statue of Barnabus the Barmy was a blank stretch of wall. Ginny and Remus were standing there. Ginny looked as if she'd been crying. Harry figured that she had probably talked a little about her bad experience with Tom, and it had caused her emotions to run wild again. She smiled weakly at Harry. "Hi, Harry," she said softly. "Hi, Sirius."

"Hey, Gin," Harry said, smiling gently back at her.

"Hello, Ginny," Sirius said, making a face at her which made her laugh.

"Thank you, Professor," she said to Remus, shaking his hand.

"No problem, Ginny," Remus said, compassion in his eyes. "Take care of yourself. I'll see you next week, all right?"

"All right," Ginny said, slowly walking away from the three remaining people. "See you in the common room, Harry," she called over her shoulder. Harry waved at her.

"Hey, cub," Remus said, ruffling Harry's hair fondly. "How are you?"

"Um, I'm fine," Harry replied, feeling his nerves jangle again. Now that all three of them were here, he felt as if a huge weight had landed on him. How was he supposed to talk about everything that had happened? Would Sirius and Remus understand? Would they be disgusted by how weak he was when he finally admitted how he'd let the Dursleys do whatever the hell they wanted to him? True, he'd heard over and over again that it wasn't his fault, and that his guardians loved him, but he was so foreign to that concept that it was going to take time for him to fully believe it.

"It's going to be okay," Remus soothed, seeing the look on Harry's face. "We'll do everything we can to make sure you're comfortable. We're not going to force you to talk about anything you don't want to, but as we said before, it'll make you feel better to get it all out."

Harry sighed and nodded, knowing that he had to get this over with.

"Want me to tell the story of how Moony found this room we're about to enter?" Sirius asked.

"Sure," Harry replied.

"Here it is, then," Sirius said. "Remus was panicking about a piece of homework we had to do. This was back in our second year. He was pacing up and down, like this." He paced until he was in front of the blank wall, then turned around and paced back to where Harry was standing. "And then he did it again," he said, doing the same thing a second time. "And once again," he said, repeating the process yet again.

Harry was amused by Sirius's antics. He was about to ask what this was accomplishing, but found that his words died in his throat, because he suddenly saw a door appear where the wall had been. He gasped in surprise, although he knew he shouldn't be shocked at anything about the magical world anymore. You never knew what could happen next at Hogwarts or in the wizarding world.

Remus opened the door, and led the way into a comfortable-looking room. There was a big couch in the room, big enough for all three of them to sit on. The room felt spacious, and in no way was it claustrophobic.

"Wow," Harry breathed. "How the heck did this room just appear?"

"Well," Remus smiled, "this room is called the Room of Requirement. When you pace to the wall and back three times, you need to be thinking of whatever you need or want to do at the current time. When the door appears, you open it, and you walk into a room with exactly the things you need in it."

"So you're telling me," Harry said in wonder, "that if I wanted a drink of water, I could just think of it, and then walk into this room and there'd be a glass of water sitting here?"

"Yep," Sirius grinned. "It also happens when you're inside the room, too. Like this. I'd like a hot chocolate. That would be really nice." He closed his eyes and appeared to be thinking. Suddenly, a little table appeared right next to the couch. A mug of hot chocolate was sitting on the table.

"Wow," Harry said. "That's amazing!"

"Yeah, it is," Sirius agreed. "You don't know how many times us Marauders used it."

"I bet," Harry said. "So this is the room we'll always be using?"

"It is," Remus answered.

"Now, kiddo," Sirius said, "if it will make you feel any better, would you like to drink a Calming Potion before we get started? It'll probably make you feel less uneasy."

"Um ..." Harry said, feeling uncomfortable. He'd been told all his life that he just had to deal with things as they were. He shouldn't be asking for any aids to help him. He'd learned from the Dursleys that asking for help was a sign of weakness.

Remus saw the expression on Harry's face and immediately reassured him. "Harry, having something to help you is not a sign of you being weak. Sometimes we all need something to calm ourselves down. If Sirius and I can help you make this easier in any way, we'll do whatever it takes."

Harry looked into his guardians' eyes and saw nothing but truth there, so he slowly agreed. Remus took a vial of calming potion out of his robes pocket and handed it to Harry. "Drink this," he told him softly. Harry took the potion and gulped it down. It didn't taste too nice, but immediately, he started to feel the effects. He felt a little more at ease, and was thankful to his guardians for suggesting this remedy. "That helps," he told them.

"I'm glad, cub," Remus said. He and Sirius settled down on the couch so they were sitting either side of him.

"Now," Remus continued, "just to start off with, I'd like to ask you about yesterday. Sirius and I both heard about what happened in Professor Moody's class, as we said before."

"Yeah," Harry sighed, the memories coming back to him. He kept picturing that spider suddenly dying, being struck by the killing curse. It was true that he'd seen it done on humans, too, both in his dreams and at the Quidditch World Cup, but found it so horrible that he'd tried to block it out of his mind. Every time he pictured it being done on that Muggle man in his dream, Mr. Crouch in his dream, or those two Muggle children at the World Cup, he immediately started picturing the spider instead, because he found it easier to bear, although the spider still was horrible.

Remus and Sirius saw the distant look in Harry's eyes as he visualized the memories. "I think it was wrong of Moody to make you stay in the class to see that," Sirius said, resisting the urge to growl. He blamed Dumbledore also; how could the old fool make this boy again see something that had haunted him and given him nightmares?

"It's okay, Siri," Harry said in a brave voice. "I had to see it. It's what all the other students had to see, so I just had to deal with it. It was part of the lesson."

"But Harry, you're so young," Sirius insisted. "Dumbledore shouldn't have let Moody show any of you. You shouldn't have to see magic like that at such a young age."

"But Moody was right," Harry said gently. His guardians thought he sounded wise beyond his years, and it broke their hearts. He should have been allowed to be a child. "What if Voldemort returns? We have to know what we're up against."

"I still think it's wrong," Sirius said, "and especially for you."

Harry just shook his head. "There's nothing I can do about it now," he muttered. "But yeah, it was horrible."

"How did the other students handle it?" asked Remus.

"Some of them were talking about it in wonder," Harry said, disgust starting to show in his voice. He remembered Seamus Finnigan saying "Wow, look how that spider just snuffed it!" How could he have taken it so lightly? Even though it was just a spider who had been killed, it just went to show that that could be done to a human being.

"I'm sure that when they really thought about it, though, they realized it's a horrible thing to do," Remus soothed.

"Yeah, I suppose," Harry said. "I guess they thought it was kind of fascinating because it was only a spider. But you know what I've seen." He found that the effects of the calming potion were allowing him to talk more freely. It wasn't forcing him to talk, though, which he was glad about. It was just allowing him to have the calmness and the freedom to express himself, but it still let him make decisions for himself.

"I just can't stop thinking about my parents," he continued softly. "And those kids at the Quidditch World Cup. Just ... gone. Just like that. And then the Cruciatus was horrible too. I saw Voldemort do it to Barty Crouch, Jr. in my dream, and that Death Eater cursed that girl at the World Cup just before she died. It's horrible. Why do people do things like that? Why?"

"We don't know, kiddo," Sirius sighed sadly, his voice full of emotion as he too thought of James and Lily, two people who were so vibrant and full of life. He remembered how he'd found James's body at Godric's Hollow, and the look on his face when he found him showed that he had fought to the very end. He was still holding his wand in his hand, God bless him. He couldn't get the image of Lily's green eyes out of his head, either, lying by Harry's crib. Her beautiful eyes had had a look of terror in them, of pleading, as if she was saying, please, please, please spare my child's life. Sirius forcibly choked the emotion back. This was Harry's time now.

"Neville was really upset," Harry said. "You know, about his parents and all."

"I can imagine," Remus said gently. He saw a look of worry on the young teen's face and looked at him. "What are you worried about, Harry?" he asked. When the boy remained silent, he asked the same question again, gently.

Finally Harry answered, but he wasn't looking either of his guardians in the eye; he was too ashamed. "Sometimes I worry that I'll turn out like him, like Voldemort," he said in almost a whisper. "Not only do I look just like he did when he was young, but I grew up pretty much like he did. I don't want to turn out like that."

Sirius and Remus were shocked that he would even worry about that. This was a beautiful, loving young man who was not like Voldemort in any way, shape, or form. "Harry, look at me," Remus coaxed, lifting Harry's chin so he could look into his emerald eyes, just like his mother's. The look in them was full of sadness and worry. "Listen, you're not going to turn out like him," Remus told him. "Why would you even think that you would? It's true that you look similar to the younger Voldemort, but why should that have anything to do with how you turn out? And you were able to rise above the hardships you faced while growing up. You have people who love you, Harry, people who care about you. You know Sirius and I care about you, and you have friends who would do anything to help you. Neither of us think Voldemort ever really had friends. He has his Death Eaters, but they're not really friends, they're just servants who do his bidding."

"There's no need to be ashamed, Harry," Sirius added. "It's not your fault that you grew up in the environment you did. It just makes me feel terrible that I didn't think that night and went running after Peter instead of caring for you first."

"Don't blame yourself," Harry said, looking at Sirius intently.

"And that's exactly what makes you different from Voldemort," Remus said. "Tom Riddle always likes to blame others for everything. Of course, Sirius and I have no idea of what the orphanage was like that he grew up in, but Dumbledore understands a lot about psychology. He believes that young Tom never had the compassion and sympathy for other people that you do, and he always wanted to get revenge on the people who hurt him. You didn't even want Vernon Dursley arrested for the crime he committed against you. Voldemort would have eventually wanted him dead."

"I don't want him dead," Harry mumbled quietly. "I don't think I ever will, either. I heard someone say once that two wrongs don't make a right."

"Yeah, that's true," Remus agreed.

"But I still worry about the whole Voldemort thing, though," Harry said. "There are times when I want Draco Malfoy to just disappear, and I was happy last year when Hermione slapped him. I know that was wrong, and I shouldn't have felt that way, but I couldn't help it."

"But you don't want Draco Malfoy dead, do you?" prompted Remus gently.

"Of course not!" Harry cried immediately. "I want him to go away, but not to die."

"Well, as I said before, you're not at all like Voldemort," Sirius reassured him. "The fact that you knew that taking pleasure in Malfoy's pain was wrong also shows that. Harry, kiddo, none of us are perfect. I can't even tell you the amount of times I've felt pleasure when someone I don't like gets hurt. But I don't want to see them dead. The only exception was Peter, because I thought he deserved it. But let me tell you something. When you told me at the Shrieking Shack to spare Peter's life, it taught me a very important lesson. Just as you said, two wrongs don't make it right. I wonder, would I have felt satisfied after killing Peter? Honestly, I don't know. It wouldn't have brought James and Lily back. I have to be honest with you, though. I'm sure there will still be times when I'm angry enough to want to kill him. I'm very rash, and that's a major part of my personality. Now that I've got you in my life, and I have the responsibility of taking care of you, I have to try to tone it down. Remember how I wanted to fight the Death Eaters at the Quidditch World Cup? That's my rashness coming through. But you told me not to, and you always come first. You mean the world to me, kiddo. It was my rashness that caused me twelve years in Azkaban. It was my rashness that caused me to lose all that time that I could have spent with you." He gently took Harry's hand in his. "Would you like to know something else, Harry?" he asked gently.

"What is it?" Harry asked, his voice muffled. He had his head in his other hand, and was trying to hide the tears that were coming into his eyes.

"It was my rashness that almost caused the Marauders to fall apart in our sixth year," Sirius admitted. Remus immediately knew what he was talking about: the Prank. "I was a stupid idiot, Harry. Thinking about it now, I really didn't want Snape dead, and it was a horrible thing to do to use Remus's condition as a weapon against him. At the time I was just so angry and wanted him to get scared, I never meant for it to go as far as to get him killed. I'm just extremely lucky that James was able to fix my stupid mistake." He sighed. "Remus and I didn't talk for a whole month, after that incident took place. My hatred for Snape totally took over, and even though I still think he's a slimy git, he doesn't deserve to die. But Moony forgave me, God knows how. I didn't deserve to be forgiven."

"That's in the past now, Sirius," Remus reminded him. "We all learn from our mistakes, right?"

"Yeah," Sirius said. Remus could still remember the day he'd finally forgiven him. He'd stumbled across his black-haired friend sitting in the deserted Quidditch stands that night, crying. Sirius Black never cried. It was then that Remus had known how sorry Sirius was for the Prank. He had been crying desperately, thinking he'd lost nearly all his friendships, for James had been furious with him too. Peter had been the only one to talk to him in that month, the only one out of any of the Marauders.

"So," said Sirius, "I never want to hear you say you're worried about turning out like Voldemort again. Okay?"

Harry finally looked up, ashamed at the tears in his eyes. He could just hear his Aunt Petunia screeching at him, "Wipe away those foul tears, boy. To cry is to be weak, you stupid ingrate. Now get to your cupboard!" Harry had been five years old at the time and had just burned himself while trying to make breakfast for the family. After that, he had firmly believed himself weak if he showed any emotion. Unbeknownst to him, Sirius had also grown up learning the same lesson from his own parents. He mused about this as he took Harry into his arms and held him tight, and Harry finally let the tears fall. Sirius never thought anyone else was weak for crying, especially not Harry who had been through so much, but he hardly ever cried himself. True, he'd cried after the Prank, and he'd cried in Azkaban. But those were the only times he could remember doing so after hearing his parents yell at him for his weakness. That was why he had laughed at the crater on the street, the screaming Muggles, the burning bodies, the Ministry Aurors who took him away. A Black laughed it off when something was wrong. A Black simply did not cry. Sirius hated being a Black, but there were just some family traits he could not escape. Every Black had a little gleam of insanity in their eyes sometimes, and Sirius had worn that same expression on the street that day, laughing his head off. He hadn't stopped laughing until a stunner from none other than Kingsley Shacklebolt had hit him straight in the chest.

Remus joined in the group hug, and Harry couldn't help but let a few sobs escape. "It's okay, kiddo," Sirius soothed. "I know you've been told it's weak to cry, I was told the same thing. But I don't think you're weak. You've been through so much, Harry, it's okay to let go." At this, Harry started crying harder, and Remus began stroking his hair comfortingly as he sobbed. It felt as if a huge weight was being lifted off Harry's shoulders, and the tears he was shedding alleviated some of the pain he had been carrying for so long.

After he had calmed down and his sobs had subsided, he lifted his head. There were no words to express how grateful he was for his guardians' help, but no words were needed. His expression said it all.

"I think that's enough for today," Remus then said. "Our time's not up yet, but I think we've worn you out. Is there anything else you need before you go back to your common room?"

"No, it's okay," Harry said, blowing his nose on a handkerchief. "Thanks again, both of you."

"It's all right," Remus said. "Any time you need to talk, even if you're not in a scheduled session, you can call us through the mirror any time you want. If you really need us, we'll come right to Hogwarts."

"Yes, we will," Sirius confirmed. "We promise you, we're never going to let you feel unworthy or unloved ever again."

Harry managed to smile softly at both of them. The two Marauders and their pup walked to the door and opened it. They headed out of the room, and then walked along the corridors until they had to go their separate ways.

"Please send us an owl during the week, or use the mirror," Sirius said. "We really want to hear from you. We hope you have a wonderful week. Don't overwork yourself, and remember, pranks are the best! But don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Oh, Sirius," Remus chuckled good-naturedly. "He's basically saying do anything you want." He gave Harry a smile. "There's nothing ol' Padfoot wouldn't do."

"I'll never stop being a Marauder," Sirius grinned. Harry grinned back and hugged the two people who had brought so much joy and light into his life. "Take care of yourselves," he said sincerely.

"We will," they promised him. They waved as Harry began to climb the stairs to Gryffindor Tower. As he walked, he thought to himself that that therapy session had gone much better than he had originally thought. He knew they'd get harder as time passed, but with Remus and Sirius by his side, there was no doubt that he'd be fine.