Dear Diary,

I'm panicking. Badly.

No, panic doesn't accurately depict the magnitude of fear, alarm and absolute terror that's consuming me right now. I feel like the ground below me has vanished; every sense of security or normalcy that I thought I had just an hour agohas been torn right from under my feet when I was least expecting it. Maybe at the beginning when things were all new and fresh then it wouldn't have been such a shock. But I got so accustomed to how things have been lately that in my naivety I hadn't imagined something like this would happen, and not so suddenly, at least! I've been tricked into a false sense of security over the past few months and now I don't know what to do, how to behave, how to control this sheer uncontainable panic.

To put it simply, I don't know what to do. I feel like I should do something but what? As always I've come to writing in the hopes that I might feel a bit better, maybe find a morsel of clarity.

I just got off the phone with Emily.

When she called I didn't even think anything of it when she asked if I wanted to come round next week; I was absolutely oblivious.

"I just think it will be so much easier to get through the day if we're together, supporting each other. Don't you think?"

"Support each other?" I asked, trying not to be rude, but not knowing what the hell she was talking about.

"You know, when the boys go off."

"Go off?" I replied, cringing as I tried to recall anything that she could be talking about.

"To the fight?"

"The what now?" I replied, my breath escaping my lungs quickly. I couldn't seem to catch it either.

"The vampire fight, Kim. Really?" she said, confused as to why I could forget something like this.

It took her a few moments of my stunned silence to decipher the real reason.

"Oh my god! He hasn't told you!"

"Emily? What's going on?" I whispered.

"Oh, I should have said anything! I'm so so sorry!"

"Emily, what are you talking about?" I could hear the panic rising in her voice as much as it was in mine. She tried to change the subject and hang up but I didn't let her, for once I was forceful and guilt-tripped her into telling me.

"You know... oh crap, you know that Bella girl?"

"Yes?"

"And her boyfriend, who left? And then she was friends with Jake but then the vampires came back? Well... they sort of had this issue with this vampire and they killed him, but his mate is now like really angry and so to get revenge she wants to kill Bella, to get back at Edward (the boyfriend). She's making up this army of – oh please don't make me tell you, you'll panic so much – this army of newborn vampires. And so our boys agreed to help them. The newborn army is the cause of all the disappearances in Seattle. Well, they are the disappearances in Seattle."

She waited for me to take it in. She waited and waited and waited.

"Kim?"

"Oh," was my delayed response.

"Kim, I am so sorry. I shouldn't have blurted anything out... I should have told you better than that. Jared should have told you."

"No. No, this is better. At least when Jared does tell me then I'll be prepared. I – what should I do?"

She talked for about an hour and I listened. But I was just in shock.

It's this Wednesday. This Wednesday. I have five days.

Jared. He's fighting against an army of new born vampires in five days – and apparently they're worse than normal ones. Typical. Make it even more likely for him to get hurt.

Jesus Christ.

What am I going to do?

I can't –

I can't lose him. I can't stand to sit at home while he fights against hundreds of them.

What if he gets hurt? Oh no, I really can't do this.

Why did this have to happen? Why did they have to fight for her? It's heartless of me to say so but this isn't their battle. He can't die fighting for them.

I can't lose him.

I need him.

This has all just happened so suddenly. I didn't – I'm such a bad girlfriend, an even worse imprint.

I didn't even know. I hadn't suspected a thing!

I can't believe he hasn't told me.

Why? Why hasn't he told me?

At least then I could have prepared myself! Why didn't he come tell me straight away? There's only five days left!

Then we could have talked about it, together. Panicked and talked it over, together. He could explain it to me and assure me he'll be fine even though I know he won't be but at least I'd get to hear him say it.

I hope he doesn't leave it too late. I really just need to talk to him about this, but I'm going to wait and let him do it in his own time. I mean, it's only fair really.

Oh no. I can't do this. I can't even think about it. The thought of –

If anything happens, if he gets hurt – if any of them get hurt, I don't know what I'd do. But if I lost Jared... I couldn't bare it. I couldn't live with that. I just couldn't do it. What the hell does my life even mean anymore without him in it?

I refuse to lose him.

Why is this happening now? Everything was going so well, so perfectly, and now it's all ruined. My whole life is crumbling into pieces all around me and I don't know how to put it back together. I don't even know where I should start.

I guess I'll just have to wait for him to come tell me. I wish he'd just come and tell me now, though. I need to hold him and tell him never to leave me. I need him to promise that he'll always come back to me.

I can't lose him.

Kim Conweller

I know it's super short but that's how I wanted it to be :) Plus I think I'll probably be able to update again in a week so you. So what do you guys think? I haven't read a fanfiction where the wolf kept the fight a secret so I thought it would be nice to do something a bit different.

Thanks as always to those of you taking the time to read this and even more so to those who write a review, I really appreciate the feedback.

LiViNgStRoNgLy - Thanks again for reading and reviewing! Yeah they're being pretty bitchy but I think it's something that a lot teenage girls have to put up with at some point! And I think I probably will end up putting a mini-series up at Christmas time as a couple people said they'd be interested too :) Thanks again!

AnnechanB - Thank you so much, I'm really glad you liked it :)