Dear Diary,

I'm completely losing my mind.

It's unbelievable how you can be absolutely dying inside but yet noone can see it. You think that the amount of fear you're in must have a physical effect on you, but evidently not. I'm screaming at Jared internally, pleading him with my eyes to just tell me but I can't say a thing, I have to let him tell me in his own time.

It's not fair for me to just say that I know. This is between us, and I need to give him some space and let him do it in his own time. He's going through a lot right now and I don't want to push him into talking about it if he's not ready for it.

But unfortunately that does mean that I haven't got anyone to assure me that things will be okay.

They might not. There is every chance that things will never ever be okay.

The chances aren't in their favour from what Emily told me briefly on the phone the other day. There will be a lot of them and I can't stand the thought of letting Jared go off to fight them. I just don't want to let go of him. I don't want to let him out of my sight and lately whenever I'm with him I feel like I've already lost a part of him.

Today at lunch he wrapped an arm around me and kissed my cheek but the fluttering feeling in my stomach was instead replaced by a sick feeling of dread. What if I never get to feel this again?

I looked at him and forced a laugh, brushing down his thick eyebrows. They're crazy enough already but look so silly when they're ruffled like that.

I went to say something but the words got caught in my throat, my fingers gently stroking the side of his face as my hand fell back into my lap.

If he can't even brush his eyebrows down how is he supposed to fight of an army of vampires?

It was that thought which was running through my brain when Paul said something stupid, causing me to snap at him. It was just another one of his stupid little petty jokes and I just couldn't laugh it off as usual. I'm angry, I'm annoyed, I'm upset and I'm just so scared and Paul seemed to want to make my life even shitter. I mean, he's always like that but sometimes I think he forgets that I'm a girl who takes things to heart and... well, there's certain things that I personally think are too much. Sure, some people who are open about things like that might not care but I don't know if that will ever be me.

So yeah, I snapped at him over something silly.

"Urgh, Jesus Christ, Jared," he replied. "Sort her out – don't leave your girlfriend so sexually frustrated because she takes it out on us."

My mouth dropped open.

Jared didn't seem to realise at first but as soon as he saw my face he got what he was referring to and then he punched Paul hard in the arm. "Shut the fuck up!" he shouted as I pushed his arm away from around me.

"Are you kidding?" I whispered, my cheeks flushing to a maroon color, the embarrassment pulsing through my body, an uncontrollable feeling of sickness rushing up from my stomach to my throat. "You told him? You told him that?"

Jared cringed. "I didn't mean to, Kim... but it was just before I phased and it's not my fault I was thinking about that."

Urgh, I guess I can't really write about this without saying what happened.

Oh lord.

Okay, so here's what happened.

Jared and I were... getting it on. Okay, to be precise, he was errr... he went down on me.

That's a horrible way to describe it.

Oh, this is so embarrassing.

Well, anyway, he was doing that and then a wolf howled and he said, "Shit, I have to go patrol."

So of course I was like, "What, right now?" He just grimaced, apologised and got up.

So I threw a pillow at him just as he was climbing out the window.

Did he really have to go straight away? But what I realised was he probably wasn't just having an everyday patrol. They're getting ready for this war thing. That's why I was annoyed. Because he wasn't doing what he just said he was.

He lied.

But now I was filled with a whole new wave of annoyance. Why did he let them know? Why couldn't he keep that a secret? If it's so urgent for him to leave, why do they have time to think of that?

And if they know about that then how much else do they know? Do they know about everything? Like, our first time? Because if it's true... that really takes away from how special it was.

I thought sex was something that was just between us, noone else.

But apparently the whole pack knows every little secret. I mean, I know that they have this mind link but I didn't think they'd know every little detail, I didn't know he'd be thinking about those things when he's phased.I can't even write about him doing that in this diary, but yet they all know everything about what happened! I was mortified. I was so embarrassed that as I stood my legs were shaking. The whole pack was sitting around the table. They all knew. They knew everything – even fucking little Brady who's thirteen!

"I can't believe you'd do that," I whispered and hurriedly exited the canteen, dashing to the nearest ladies toilets.I think it was also because of the fact that he still hasn't told me about the fight, but tears had sprung to my eyes. I felt pathetic.

I was embarrassed and pathetic.

I just... I wish I had someone to talk to. I have Emily but I don't want Sam to know that I know because he'll tell Jared and he's always around so I barely ever get to speak to her alone. Plus, it's just not the same as having your best friends to talk to. Yes, she's my friend but she's not one of my closest friends who I've known for a while. I hate having to keep everything locked up.

Everyone knows about our sex life. I thought it was special. But it's not. My first time just feels cheap and tacky now that I know the pack have had access to every little detail about it. I thought it meant more to him than that.

I thought I meant more to him than that.

But I suppose when you have perspective, putting it next to losing him then people knowing about it isn't that big of a deal but... it didn't change how much it ruined my first time with him. My cheeks were so red and, well, I get embarrassed anyway but the thought of Jared sharing his opinions of me when we're doing that is just... it really does make me want to cry of embarrassment.

After a moment Lucy, Michele and Aysel came into the bathroom, calling my name. Noone else was in here and after blinking the tears away I stepped out.

"What's the matter? We saw you practically run out of there?" Michele asked, their faces full of sympathy.

They'd listen. They'd be so helpful and I would love to get it all out. But I can't. I can't tell anyone a single thing.

Instead of brushing it off or lying, because I know they'd see through it and get annoyed, I sort of simplified what had happened.

"Jared... it's just, he's been telling everyone stuff. About us. Having sex."

That started a whole wave of new gossip, so they hopefully wouldn't focus on the fact that I was nearly crying. I hadn't told them. I think they'd assumed as much but I hadn't ever spoken to them about it. I hadn't told anyone because I wanted it to just be between us, but I suppose if he's telling everyone then it doesn't matter anymore.

I answered their questions and they seemed sympathetic but they didn't really see why I was that upset.

"That's just guys, isn't it?" Lucy said. "Just feel flattered that he wants to talk about it so much. Austin tells all his friends about all the things we do. That's what they do, they brag."

I crinkled my nose up. I didn't want to mention that her boyfriend Austin is a complete asshole and I just thought Jared was different. But maybe he isn't. His mom is always saying how he's changed so much and become more of a 'gentleman' since we started seeing each other but maybe he hasn't. Maybe he just sometimes acts like that because he thinks it's what I like. Maybe he is just your average, jerkish, typical guy.

If I think rationally, then it's unfair of me to suppose that Jared is anything but average. It's not fair for me to think of him as perfect. Everyone has flaws, I have many, so I shouldn't suppose that he is anything other than exactly that. He's only human.

Well, he's not. He's a werewolf but you know what I mean.

"It's true," Michele said, agreeing with her. Apparently they made up sometime over the winter break. Lucy and I had a four hour phone call where we both apologised for being idiots and now it's fine between us. I can't forget what she's said though.

"My brother is constantly talking about all the girls he's banged and the disgusting stuff they do," Michele continued.

"Urgh, well they shouldn't," Aysel said. "You've every right to be hurt."

I smiled at her for trying but the other two were adamant that that's the way men are and we should never expect more of them because all men are jerks.

I don't believe that. I know I do it, but I try not to stereotype people, especially for their sex.

What I'm actually angry about that he tells the pack everything about us yet he won't tell me about this one fight.

Unfortunately it dawned on me that I can't be angry at him if I expect him to open up to me. Plus, if he is going off to a fight then I don't want him to leave worrying about us or thinking I love him any less. What was it that woman said on TV show I watched the other day... "a distracted soldier is a dead soldier". It's just the same, really, isn't it? The only thing I can do is try to clear his mind of worry.

That's why I wish he'd just confine in me. I can't do anything else to help except for support him and he's not even letting me do that!

The girls and I talked for a while more and when we left I headed to my locker and he was standing there, as I thought he would be.

Even if I haven't forgiven him for that, and I'm still mortified by it and he's ruined how I feel about sex, I can't stay angry at him. Not with this upcoming fight. Not when I could lose him.

His worried eyes turned to me as I came round the corner. "Kim, I'm so sorry," he said as he rushed up to me, and I knew from the look in his eyes that he was. "I really... you have no idea what it's like trying to not think about those things. You can't just tell yourself not to think of something."

Didn't I say that the other week? That you can't control the thoughts that go through your mind? I guess it's true and I guess I shouldn't be angry.

"I never wanted them to know," he muttered.

I shook my head. "It's okay, Jared. I guess I overreacted... I was just embarrassed. I know you can't control what happens."

It isn't his fault that he's a werewolf and has that telepathy thing going on.

But that doesn't change how I feel about it now that everybody knows. And how did he tell them? Did he laugh about it? Did he boast? Did he make fun of how I am when we have sex?

I know for sure they must have laughed hysterically about him leaving me in the middle of it and me chucking a pillow at him.

"You didn't overreact. It was all my fault and I'm so sorry..." He looked away. "I really wish I could stop being what I am, Kim. I know it affects you and I hate that more than you could ever know."

The breath left my lungs in a heavy exhalation and I pulled him into a hug because I know that with the fight looming ahead his mind must be havoc. He doesn't need to be fretting over me too.

I couldn't help but agree... even though without him being a werewolf we would never have gotten together, it would mean that he wouldn't be in danger. I don't care if I have to go without love for the rest of my life; I'd chose being lonely over putting him in danger every time.

"Jared, don't be silly. It's not your fault... I wish I could just help you, take it away a little bit. Support you more." He didn't say anything so I held him tighter. "I love you."

He didn't say anything. After school he went off to football practise and didn't say a word about it, just like he hasn't all week.

I don't want to trick him or force him into telling me; it's his choice and I should let him tell me in his own time. Unfortunately that doesn't make waiting any easier. I just don't understand why he isn't telling me this.

The fight is rapidly approaching and I don't have anyone to turn to.

I'm losing my mind.

Kim Conweller

I know there isn't much action in this but I really needed to just show you were Kim's mind is at so that in the next chapters to come you'll understand it a bit more. And I also know you want to see what Jared was thinking but you're going to have to wait I'm afraid!

Thanks for reading and to those reviewing/favouriting, I really appreciate it :)