Disclaimer: I still do not own Harry Potter.

Hi all! I am back after a fantastic weekend of friendship and fun!

Thanks so much for the reviews! As for the relationship between Harry and Dudley, don't worry. There will be a chapter much later on in the story where they meet again, and believe me, Harry won't be quite as forgiving as he seems now, because all the bitter memories will come rushing back.

Just to let you know, I will mention someone named Julia in this chapter. You will find out later in the story exactly who she is, but for now I'll tell you she's someone from Remus's past. Just so you're not like, "Who the heck is Julia?" when she's mentioned.

I hope you enjoy this highly emotional chappie. It's not meant to be slash, just deep friendship, but if you want to take it as slash, you can. But that's not how I wanted it to come off.

Chapter 19: In Memoriam

It was a few weeks later, and Sirius and Remus had just finished eating breakfast on one of the first mornings in October. Sirius had told Remus he wanted to take an outing, and he wanted to go to Godric's Hollow, to the cemetery, to see Lily and James's graves.

"Are you sure about this, Padfoot?" asked Remus worriedly, knowing that terrible memories would probably surface for his old friend.

"Moony, it's the first time I've ever been," Sirius told him. It was true that Remus had been to the gravesite plenty of times over the years, but with Sirius being in Azkaban and then on the run for a year, he'd never been. "I want to go."

Remus had a sneaking suspicion that this wasn't at all a good idea, but Sirius wouldn't let it go. So finally, the two friends apparated to Godric's Hollow. The spot where James and Lily's house had been was now totally empty. All the debris from the ruins had been cleared away, and Sirius couldn't stop staring at where it had been. Their home had been such a wonderful place, full of love, life, mischief, and laughter. Even in times of war, Lily and James had tried their hardest to live life to the fullest.

The graveyard was not at all far away from where they had lived, so it was a short distance for Sirius and Remus to walk. It was a rather small cemetery, and it was deserted when they got there. Nothing was said between them as they made their way through the graves; Sirius had a distant look on his face, and Remus wondered why he'd agreed for them to come here.

Finally, they got to a double gravestone. James and Lily had known they might not make it through the war, so they had told Remus, Sirius, and Peter that if something were to happen to them, they wanted to be buried together. So when they had died, their wish had been Remus's command, since he was the only one left to help make their funeral arrangements, with Sirius in Azkaban and Peter being thought dead.

Written on the gravestone, of course, were their birthdays and the day they'd died, along with a short description of them. The description said:

Lily Marie Evans-Potter

Loving wife and mother

Sacrificed herself for her son

Next to that was:

James Henry Potter

Loving husband and father

Lay down his life for his family

Underneath that was a message which was a testament to their love, something they'd both said together on their wedding day.

WE MAY DIE, BUT LOVE DOES NOT:

LOVE IS IMMORTAL

Sirius and Remus just stood there, staring at the grave. Still no words were exchanged between them, for none were needed. They just took the time to remember their old friends, and the fun they'd had together.

Suddenly, Sirius fell to his knees beside the gravestone. Remus knelt next to him, putting an arm around him. He could feel that his old friend was starting to tremble. "Sirius?" he said softly. "Siri, are you all right?"

Sirius said nothing; he was staring blankly at the gravestone with a haunted look in his eyes. The ghosts of Azkaban were apparent in his gaze, and Remus again cursed himself for giving in to this idea of coming here. But at the same time, maybe this would allow Sirius to let go a bit. He hoped he could coax his friend to let some of his buried emotions out.

Sirius then started to whisper something, so quietly that Remus couldn't hear what he was saying. He put his ear right next to Sirius's mouth and his heart broke as he caught the words his companion was whispering.

"I'm so sorry, Lily, James. My fault, all my fault." He continued to say it, his voice growing louder and louder.

"Sirius," Remus said gently, "Sirius, it wasn't your fault. Sirius, listen to me." But the Animagus paid no attention. He kept saying it, over and over again, until eventually he was yelling it at the top of his lungs. "LILY, JAMES, I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT, I'M SORRY!" His eyes were overflowing with emotion and they looked the most haunted Remus had ever seen them.

"Sirius, snap out of it!" Remus called, shaking Sirius's shoulders. "Look at me, Sirius, please! It wasn't your fault, it wasn't!"

Sirius gasped, turning to look at Remus so fast his neck cracked. "Yes, yes it was," he cried. "Yes, yes it was! Don't you understand, Remus? I handed them right over to Voldemort! I told Lily and James I'd keep them and Harry safe, and what did I do but hand them over to the one person who could destroy them!" The pain and guilt in Sirius's eyes was overwhelming. "And every night I have to hear it in my dreams, over and over again. I have to hear James tell me I'm guilty. I deserved every second in Azkaban that I got!"

"Sirius, how could you say such a thing?" Remus gasped. "For one thing, you know James would never blame you for what happened. That's not James you're really seeing in your dreams, and you know it. You're not to blame for James and Lily's deaths, you're not. You didn't hand them over to Voldemort, Peter did. How were you to know that Peter was the spy?"

Sirius's face was suddenly filled with such anger that Remus drew back from him. "Aren't I allowed to blame myself for something, Remus?" he roared. "After all, you blame yourself for things that aren't your fault all the time! Didn't you blame yourself for Julia's death for months and months, even though you knew very well that you weren't the fucking werewolf who killed her? Didn't the other Marauders and I tell you over and over again that we were with you the night it happened, that we were in our Animagus forms and you didn't hurt anyone? You didn't have a hand AT All in her death, Remus! You can't possibly say I didn't have a hand in James and Lily's, though! I handed them on a silver platter to Peter, and he handed them over to Voldemort! I was the one who got the ball rolling! I didn't see what was right in front of me because I was too busy suspecting YOU!" His words echoed into the empty graveyard, filling it with such ghosts of anger and sorrow.

Remus's heart was filled with pain at the thought of Julia. Even after all these years, he still loved her. But he knew why Sirius had brought her into this. He again put his hand on his best friend's shoulder and whispered, "Siri, why did you suspect me?"

"Because," Sirius choked out, "you were so distant with all of us! I felt betrayed by you, because after all we had done to tell you Julia's murder was not your doing, it was like you didn't believe us and pulled away from us. You were always off doing something, and grief can do funny things to people, Remus. And Peter," he spat venomously, "was always saying you weren't acting right. He said it so often that he really got me to believe it. Whenever we asked you what you were doing, and whenever we tried to be there for you, you always said you were fine, and you were busy, and you'd talk to us later!"

Remus's expression grew extremely sad. "I should have known," he said softly. "I suppose I can tell you now. The reason why I was so distant back then was because I wasn't allowed to say anything about what I was doing. Dumbledore had me going on missions for him, to try to recruit the werewolves to join ..."

"HE WHAT!" Sirius roared so loudly and angrily it made Remus jump. "HE HAD YOU GOING ON MISSIONS TO SEE THE WEREWOLVES, WHEN HE KNEW HOW JULIA WAS KILLED? HOW DARE HE! HOW FUCKING DARE HE! WHAT AN INSENSITIVE BASTARD!"

"Sirius!" Remus cried. "Listen to me, it's not how you think! Dumbledore didn't make me go on the missions, he just told me about how many werewolves were on Voldemort's side and I volunteered to try to get them to come on ours. He even asked me if I was sure I wanted to do it; he knew how broken up I'd been about Julia. But I agreed to go, because I wanted to make it so that what happened to Julia couldn't happen to any other innocent people. So I went to the werewolf colony. Dumbledore said it was top secret, that I couldn't tell anyone, not even you Marauders and Lily. It was so painful not telling you; I had a feeling that's why you suspected me."

"Oh," Sirius said, his voice soft now. "Did you see ... him?"

"Fenrir Greyback?" Remus said. "Yes, I did."

"And what ... what was that like, facing the man who did what he did to you?"

Another look of heartache crossed Remus's face. "I had to do what I had to do, Siri," he said, trying to sound brave.

"You're too much, Moony. You didn't have to do that. Why do you put yourself in these situations?"

"I owed it to Julia, Siri. Even after what she said to me the last time we met, you know I couldn't hold it against her. And then she was murdered by the same monster I turn into every month, and even now, I still love her. I'd face Greyback all over again, for her sake."

"But Rem, you know what she said the last time you saw her wasn't right!"

"It doesn't matter, old friend. It really doesn't."

"Well, you shouldn't have had to put yourself in that kind of situation," Sirius insisted. "I'm so, so sorry for ever suspecting you were the spy. Pettigrew just wouldn't leave it alone, he kept on and on saying how grief can affect people in strange ways, he just wouldn't let it go."

"It's all right, Pads, you know I've already forgiven you for suspecting me," Remus whispered, putting his arm around Sirius.

"Why, Moony? I don't forgive myself," Sirius said, his voice growing loud again. "And all those years in Azkaban, I thought about it, and I already know why you suspected me, so you don't have to tell me. We all knew there was a spy in Voldemort's ranks, and the funny looks you gave me told me immediately why I was your first and only suspect," he spat, a mountain of self-loathing coloring his voice. "It was the fucking Prank, and don't you dare tell me it wasn't because I know it was! If I could use your condition as a weapon against Snape, you thought, who knows what else I could do? That's why you thought I was betraying James, Lily, and Harry!"

Remus opened his mouth to protest, but Sirius kept shouting. "I told you not to lie to me!" he snarled. "Don't even try to tell me that wasn't the reason, Remus, because I damn well know it was! You know as well as I do what would have happened if you'd killed Snape! You'd have been executed by the Ministry, put down as a dangerous creature, and it would have been my fault! If I could so callously betray you like that, then why shouldn't I be able to betray James and Lily, kill Peter, and then to top it all off, murder a bunch of Muggles?" He was shaking all over, breathing fast, gasping breaths. "I knew that damn Prank would never be behind us! Betrayals like that can never be forgotten, as much as you say you forgave me for it! And I know that's why you didn't try to stop it when I went to Azkaban, you probably thought well, I should have known, now Black's finally gone and shown his true colors, now he can rot there, for all I care, I hope the Dementors suck out his twisted, evil soul!"

At the end of his tirade, he stared into space again, and he couldn't stop the tears from blurring his vision. "Oh God, what've I done?" he whispered as he put his head down so it was almost touching Lily and James's gravestone. "God, Remus, I've ruined everything. What've I done?" His shoulders started shaking, and before he could stop them, harsh, gutwrenching sobs were wracking his body; he was crying harder than he'd ever cried in his life. Remus had tears in his eyes as well, and he felt shame course through him. He couldn't deny that that was the main reason why he'd believed Sirius could betray Lily and James, and kill Peter and the street full of Muggles. He knew there was nothing he could say to convince Sirius that that wasn't what he'd thought. He put his arms around him, whispering soothing words, telling him to finally let all his emotions out. Seeing his friend so heartsick, so broken, hurt him more than he thought was possible. He'd seen Sirius's tears after the Prank, but this was much, much worse. Sirius was crying as though his soul were on fire. Tears poured down his face in streams, and he was shaking so hard in Remus's arms that Remus could hardly hold him. He knew right then and there that it was time to go back home. This had been way more than Sirius could handle. He looked sadly at James and Lily's grave and the beautiful "love is immortal" message written there one more time, and then he picked Sirius up and held him, ready to apparate. You would think this wouldn't be possible, but Remus had a lot of extra strength from being a werewolf, and plus, Sirius was still very, very thin and light from his years in Azkaban. Still holding his sobbing friend, he apparated them back to 804, Lawdershod Avenue, Hogsmeade.

He carried Sirius into the house and up the stairs, and placed him in his room, on his bed. The bed was big enough to fit two people, so Remus curled up next to him.

Sirius could just not stop crying. No matter how many minutes passed, it seemed as though the tears would never run out. Remus could usually keep a strong front while watching other people cry, but after seeing so many never-ending tears, he couldn't help but break down himself. All the guilt he felt for not believing in Sirius's innocence, all the sorrow he felt about Lily and James, all the sadness he'd tried to keep in since Halloween of 1981 flooded out of him. Before they knew it, both friends were weeping, holding each other like they were the only thing that was anchoring them to the world.

Eventually, but what seemed like years and years later, their tears finally stopped. Sirius was exhausted from the display of emotion and looked like he was ready to fall asleep. His eyes were closed and his hands were held in Remus's. "I'm sorry, Remy," he whispered.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Siri," Remus soothed. "It was good that you finally let go."

"Azkaban was so miserable," Sirius confessed. "All I did was sit in my cell all day, and of course, the Dementors didn't help at all. I couldn't help thinking that every moment I was there was what I truly deserved."

"It wasn't," Remus told him gently. "Please stop thinking that. I know you've made mistakes in the past, but you never, ever deserved a place like Azkaban. I wouldn't even wish that on my worst enemy, let alone one of my best friends."

"Not even on Fenrir Greyback?"

"No, not Azkaban. The place is just too horrible."

"Wow."

The two lay there, still holding each other in comfort. Then Sirius spoke again.

"Moony, what are we going to do now?" he whispered. "It seems as though the war's going to start again, and I keep worrying about how we're going to survive it. I don't want it to be Harry's grave we're kneeling over next." He choked out.

Remus held him a little tighter, not even wanting to think about the possibility. "Listen, Padfoot. We're going to do everything we can to protect and take care of Harry, all right? We'll do the best we can. And there's plenty of people who are looking out for our Harry. There's the Weasleys, Cedric, Hermione, Dumbledore, McGonnagall, even Severus, as difficult a person as he is. Kingsley Shacklebolt's also looking out for his safety. Worrying about it isn't going to solve or change anything."

"I know," Sirius said, letting out a shaky sigh.

"And we've got each other, too," Remus reminded him softly. "Now that we know our mistakes, we won't suspect each other if things go wrong anymore. You know I'd never do anything to hurt you or Harry."

"And I know you wouldn't either," Sirius told him. "You're one of the most loyal people I've ever met."

"So are you," Remus said. "Listen, you look exhausted, old friend. I'm pretty tired myself, so how about we sleep for awhile?"

Sirius looked relieved. "All right," he said. "But please, please don't leave me, Rem."

It broke Remus's heart to hear how young and vulnerable Sirius sounded, and he vowed he'd do anything to help alleviate any pain he was still feeling. No-one got over being in Azkaban for twelve years overnight, even someone who was strong-willed like Sirius. "Don't worry," he whispered to him. "I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave, I swear it. I'm right here."

Sirius sighed in relief, and his body relaxed. After a few minutes, his breathing evened out and Remus knew he was asleep. He lay there for awhile, watching his best friend until his eyes fluttered closed, and sleep overtook him as well. His last thought was, You can count on me, Padfoot.