Dear Diary,

What would a life without Jared entail?

Before he imprinted I knew no different but now... It's like when you taste the sweetest fruit and then get told that you'll never have anything as good as that; your experience of life has reached it's peak and it'll be downhill from there on out. How are you ever supposed to live knowing that?

I couldn't possibly fall in love with anyone, that much is certain. I'll grow old unhappy and alone. I know that my head will never let my heart love or trust another person, even just a friend – I couldn't possibly set myself up for that hurt after being so hopelessly crushed to pieces. How could anyone do that?

How could anyone even bare to spend a day after the love of their life, their soul mate, has passed away? No, not 'passed away', that sounds too peaceful – savagely murdered on a battlefield.

Its times like this when I wish I could reach for religion and believe that there is a heaven; a place where I will once again be reunited with Jared, but I don't. I wish I could. I wish I could hold onto that or believe that everything happens for a reason but I'm not one of those people. Religion gives people the strength to go on and at the moment, Jared is that strength for me. He's the force that pushes me forward every day, the reason I can rise out of bed every morning and actually look forward to the day ahead. He's why I can imagine a life full of happiness.

But I don't have any reasoning to explain something as damaging as finding and then losing the love of your life in your teenage years – at any age is bad enough, but having to start your life with that always hanging over you would be unbearable. I'd never get the image of him out of my mind and I'd never get over the way my heart only feels for him now. The pain of failing him as an imprint would crush me and I wouldn't be able to ever find solace in anything.

I adore him. In every way. I can't put into words how much the imprinting has affected me but he's plain and simply everything to me. He's the only thing I think about, day and night. He occupies my every thought and there's not a moment where I'm not consumed with love for him.

The thought of him hurt or in danger or... worse is so horrific that I don't think I can bear it. I don't think I can get through that. Just the chance of it, the mere thought, sends me into a frenzy and I can feel the beginnings or a panic attack brewing. If I was faced with a situation where he was actually like that... then I don't know.

Then the thought of living becomes horrific.

Something so simple as getting up in the morning becomes such a struggle that it almost seems pointless.

I woke up, on the morning of the fight, and stared at him for a while.

Why is this happening? What has he done to deserve having to go through this? Why does he have to risk his life?

He's so perfect.

If anything happened to him...

I sat up and brought my knees up. A tear or two escaped but I hastily brushed them away. I was going to let him tell me in his own time, even if he's leaving it late, and I didn't want him to see me cry. I have to be strong for him. He's got to go off and fight a war and I have to be strong for him. Because that's what I do; he protects the world and I'm the constant in his life, the thing that will never change or leave him even if he is a werewolf who shreds vampires to pieces in his spare time.

Even if there is a chance that he will get hurt.

If he has the bravery to go out there and do it, then I must find the bravery to sit at home and wait for him to return. I hate that I can't be of any help, though. I hate that I couldn't possibly help him. But I never will and I have to accept that. I can only help him by supporting him. Plus, even if I was there he'd only ever be worrying about me and that would make his job harder; that's why I have to be strong, so that he's not worrying about me when he should be looking out for vampires.

It's not easy and it's not what I want but there's no way around it. We don't get a second choice. He's a werewolf and I accepted that so I also have to accept the repercussions of what being what he is brings; I shouldn't make that harder for him.

But it's just so hard and it hurts so much.

I stroked his cheek.

He hadn't shaved so he had a little bit of stubble. Even when he's sleeping he doesn't look innocent. I wish I could take everything off his shoulders just a little bit. I wish he could have a normal life but he never will. If you looked at him you couldn't tell he was only eighteen.

Jared woke at the feeling of my fingertips on his face. He looked a little confused and wiped his eyes.

He sat up and kissed me before pressing his face against the side of mine, squishing his nose, the weight of his body leaning against me.

"It's early," he mumbled. I nodded.

"Sorry, I couldn't sleep."

His arms circled my waist and he pulled me into him. "Don't worry. What's the matter?"

"Nothing. You were snoring too loudly," I joked, trying not to show that I was in fact worrying a hell of a lot.

He growled and tickled me a little because he doesn't snore but I know he's worried he does – his mom is always bitching about his dad because he snores.

I kissed him and then he moved away.

"I should probably go," he said but I held on to his hand tightly. "I've got an early patrol this morning."

He pried his fingers out of mine, smiling.

"Patrol?" I asked as I self-consciously wrapped the sheets around me and he put his clothes on.

He nodded. "Yep."

"Oh."

I swallowed. I was trying not to show that I was panicking but I really didn't want him to leave.

"What are you doing today, afterwards?" I asked and he sat on the edge of my bed and put his shoes on.

"Sorry, I've got to help my dad out with some stuff," he said, looking up at me. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "So I won't be able to see you all today," he continued, "but I'll see you tomorrow. I promise."

My hands were shaking and I wanted to grab him and never let go. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't stop this from happening. It had nothing to do with me. I had no say in the matter whatsoever. I was paralysed and rendered helpless by the oppression of his lies.

He leant over and pressed his lips to mine. They lingered a moment longer... the only inclination that something else was going on here. He pushed them against mine with a harder passion and I reciprocated that zest, scared that maybe that would be our last kiss.

"I love you," he said, bringing my chin up with a finger. I forced a smile because I didn't want him leaving thinking I was sad.

"I love you more," I replied, knowing for certain that it was true.

He gently rubbed his nose against mine. "I'll see you later."

"Goodbye," I choked out.

He kissed me again and jumped out of the window, the same way he always does.

I sat there for a while, with the sheet wrapped around me tightly. I sat there in silence for a few hours, waiting until it was a reasonable hour and then I had a shower, got changed without really looking at what I was doing, and I walked to Emily's, my hair still mostly wet and without make up.

She opened the door hesitantly. She let out a sigh when she saw it was me.

"Hello Kim," she said with a sigh, giving me that knowing, sad smile. But then she stopped, obviously seeing something in me she wasn't expecting.

"He didn't tell me," I whispered.

Her mouth fell open.

"Oh, Jared," she said and dropped her head, running her hand over her face. "Come in. Let's get some coffee down you."

I traipsed in with the same miserable shuffle I had the whole way here. I sat on her sofa and she eventually plonked herself down next to me, placing too hot cups on the coffee table.

"I've already had four cups."

I started crying and she wrapped her arm around me, unsurprised.

"He said nothing last night. He had ample opportunity, I made sure of it! I made him a big meal, his favorite, because my family were all out. Then we had sex and then this morning he just... he looked me right in the eyes and he lied to me! He lied right to my face and he didn't even blink! Like it was no big deal!"

"You know he'll have done it for some ridiculous reason about protecting you," she said softly and I shook my head.

"What's even the point if he doesn't talk to me about this? Why wouldn't he trust me with that? Why – how could he do that? What if something –"

I didn't want to be this anymore. I didn't want to be a panicky, withering, crying, pathetic mess. But I am.

What if something did happen?

I wiped my face and tried to stop the ridiculous crying.

"What if you had never told me? What then... I'd just never know?"

Unless something bad happened, my persistently pessimistic brain added. What if something bad did happen and they had to tell me then? I thought everything was fine and then BAM, my whole world is in pieces. I never even got the chance to prepare myself, never had the chance to tell him one last time that I love him and that he's my everything. I never got to say goodbye.

"I can't lose him, Emily."

She wiped her eyes too. "I know. I know."

For the day we cried and ate muffins Emily. We had more coffee and then decided that we weren't going to cry anymore. We sat on the sofa for a while, watching some pointless documentary.

What were we supposed to be doing? They were... doing that and what were we doing? Acting like the hopeless and useless humans that we are.

I was so worried and so angry and so hurt and just so very, very sad.

No matter what we didn't, we couldn't erode that useless feeling hanging over us.

But then it started getting late and we started to get even more anxious and even more worried.

And then it got later. And later. And later.

How long did these things generally last? It obviously wasn't like a human war so what should we expect? Hours? Days?

We waited nervously until eventually we would jump out of our skin and rush to the door at the smallest sound.

Emily looked out of the window at least once every minute... it was like a nervous twitch. I think she thought I didn't notice because she was trying to be subtle but it didn't really work.

I kept checking my cell phone. I don't know why.

"Oh my God," she whispered and my head snapped up. I assumed she'd scream the house down, but she didn't. She scrambled to the door without looking back.

It was only Sam, Jared and Seth, although my mind didn't realise this. I forgot that Jared had just broken my heart and I ran out after her.

The word 'shit' formed on his lips but I ignored him and flew into his arms, which caught me, hesitantly at first, but he soon tightened his grip and buried his face in my hair. I squeezed him tightly and breathed in his scent, closing my eyes and pressing my face against him.

"Kim?" he murmured, his fingertips gently moved a lock of my hair out of the way but I turned my face so I couldn't see him. I didn't want to have to recognise that he was talking; I didn't want to reply or talk or argue. All I wanted was to relish in the knowledge that he was alive.

There was nothing I wanted other than him to just be alive. Everything else was secondary. It was only me and him and we were going to be able to be together. He was mine and he was in my arms, alive.

All that worrying, a day full of not stop anxiety, was over and any other thoughts were cast out of my mind. All that I needed was to feel his warm skin on mine and his heart beating fast against his chest and his strong arms wrapped around me and the feel of his breath tickling my neck.

Alive.

I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I was just chocked with this realisation that he was okay. That we were going to be okay. My mind couldn't form a rational thought; it was just pure, undiluted relief and it overwhelmed me.

His fingertips moved from my hair and danced up my neck. Eventually he started pulling away so there was a small distance between us; enough for me to see his eyes.

"What are you – what are you doing here?" he gulped and with a crash everything started to flow back in...

The lies... the secrets... the deceit...

I continued to ignore him because I didn't want to talk; that would mean that I'd have to think about it and then I'd get angry, because I could already feel my anger welling up bit by bit. All I wanted was to hold him and be satisfied for that short moment that he was alive and well and in my arms.

"Listen, Emily, there was an accident. Jake's badly hurt. We're going to Billy's now."

I moved away when I realised what Sam had said. His hands went to pull me against him but I stepped back.

"Kim –" he sighed, his eyes pleading.

Would he have even told me? Would I ever know or would he have tried to keep me in the dark?

What if it had been him, though?

"I'll get my keys," Emily said and dashed back into the house. I suppose realistically it would have been quicker for Sam to run there but he didn't stop her. I moved to go to the car and Jared opened his mouth to speak but no words were formed, just a hesitant groan.

I turned towards him.

Sam shot him a warning look. "But you know the Cullen is coming..." he mumbled to Sam but I didn't listen, I just got in the car because he has no say in where I go and what I do. Plus, Jacob is my friend and I give a goddamn shit about whether he's okay or not.

Jared got in the car next to me. "Kim, I don't –" he started and I held up my hand.

"Save it."

I wasn't getting into this. Not now. Not here.

I'm not sure whether it was because I was so angry or because I knew I'd start crying.

Who am I kidding? It was definitely the latter. Yes, I was angry but the pure hurt that was in my heart was becoming too much. I didn't know you could physically hurt so badly just by your feelings but I did. I do.

That still didn't touch upon how relieved I was, though. That was the strongest, most overwhelming feeling. I was so happy that he was okay, but still so hurt that he'd lied like that to me – and about something as important to me as his well being, as well. Maybe if I didn't love him so then I wouldn't be hurt as bad. That seems silly, doesn't it? Surely it should be the other way round. But all I can think of is how he couldn't trust me with this, he couldn't confide in me, he couldn't look at me in the way that I did him; I trusted him with my life. I thought we were on equal grounds, but apparently not.

That's almost worse, because I thought we were. I was deluded to think so. He's a lying werewolf who goes off to fight battles and I'm a pathetic teenage girl who cries over books and worries about homework deadlines and couldn't even call a person a nasty name, let alone hit them. I don't even swear.

Sure, I do in this diary but I don't out loud. How pathetic am I?

We sat in silence. Sam explained to Emily everything that had happened. Everything. Every last detail. She comfortingly rubbed his arm.

I blinked rapidly and held in my tears. My contrasting emotions were spinning so rapidly in my mind that I didn't think I'd be able to cope; I couldn't breathe or think or be sane.

I let my hair fall like a curtain between us so I couldn't see Jared staring at me out of the corner of my eye. He shifted closer and went to brush it behind my ear but I turned and stared out the window.

He leant forward and buried his face in his hands.

I felt guilty for giving him grief after such a short period of time after the fight but unfortunately that didn't change anything, guilt was just another emotion swimming round my body, suffocating me.

Once we arrived at Billy's we all got out. The other guys were already there but we headed straight inside to see Jacob withering in pain, Billy by his side.

"The Cullen who's a doctor is on his way," Sam told him, placing a hand on Billy's shoulder just as Jacob let out a gut-wrenching shriek that will forever be embedded in my mind. I'd never seen anyone in so much pain.

The worst I think was when Jason broke his arm. He cried like a baby but that seems as bad as a paper cut compared to the raw agony that contorted Jacob's face.

I flinched backwards and Jared pulled me closer to him. I wanted to push him away because I was still annoyed but I couldn't find the strength to.

Jacob's my friend and I love him dearly, as I do all the guys, but I couldn't stop the cruel thought from running through my mind: what if it were Jared?

"We should give them space when he comes, then," Billy said and then Jared was moving me out of the room, outside. The pain in Billy's voice was unlike anything I've ever heard. He's always seemed so strong to me but there's only so much strength in a person when you're staring down at your own son in agony.

I stood close to Jared because it was cold and I was scared for Jacob. The others were waiting, their faces stern with pain and anger at seeing their brother hurt so badly.

From what Sam said apparently Leah had a one-on-one with a vampire, Jacob intercepted and it got its arms around his body – the one thing they were warned not to do by the Cullens. Apparently Jacob's lucky to be alive.

When the vampire doctor appeared Jared stood in front of me, almost guarding me with his body. I didn't quite understand... surely if they just sacrificed their lives for these Cullens, trained and fought alongside them then Jared should trust them?

Maybe Jared just really isn't the trusting type.

Paul, who was standing on my other side, laid his hand on my arm, posed as if ready to run at any moment. I glared at him, but he didn't take his eyes off Jared or the Cullen. I shoved him off and when they were inside, Paul just looked at me as if this was normal behaviour.

I moved away from both of them but when Jacob's screams only got worse I almost ran in there. My eyes darted in horror to Jared.

"They're breaking his bones again, so that he heals properly," he explained solemnly. I lowered my eyes and cringed as his agonised cries filled the air. "We can go... let me take you home," he said.

I shook my head, more annoyed at him.

If the others are going to be here supporting him, then he better believe I'm not going anywhere either. I don't care if Jared doesn't think I'm part of this, I am.

We all stayed, standing in silence until the Cullen came out, announcing that he'd given him some pain killers and he was knocked out, although his body was burning it off quickly.

Billy told the others to leave and get some rest. More words were spoken and then we got in the car again. I don't remember what it was they said; it was all such a blur. I couldn't believe that this was happening. I couldn't believe he was injured so badly.

All I can remember is Jacob's piercing howls of pain.

Emily dropped me off at my house and I thanked her and got out. Jared said something to both Emily and Sam before hurrying after me.

"Kim! Kim, please," he called, rushing up the driveway as I fumbled for my keys. "Just let me explain."

I turned to him.

I looked into his eyes and all I saw was the lies he told. How he happily had sex with me and then looked me in the eyes and lied as if the two things could go hand in hand. Sex, something which I thought was so natural and beautiful, and then lies and deceit, something which only ever brings pain and distress to everyone involved.

How could he do that? How could he want to purposefully deceive me?

I thought we were better than that. I thought our relationship had surpassed that. I thought we had something so special, something nobody else had. I thought we were one hundred percent true and honest to each other.

So what – was it all a lie? I was just blinded by this uncontrollable love for him?

I suppose that isn't to unrealistic. I love him so much but I just didn't think he was like that. I'd forgive him for a lot of things but lying... and about something like this...

It's a breach of trust, of faith, of love.

He doesn't value me enough to think I deserve the truth. I don't have a say in anything.

I'm not his partner. I'm the girl he has sex with.

"Let me explain," he repeated.

"No."

"Please –" he started but I interrupted him.

"No! I said no, Jared! I don't want to talk about it right now."

His eyes held a burning intensity. Pain. But that didn't seem like anything compared to the pain stringing round my heart, pulling tight. I couldn't breathe.

"Please," I said softer. "Just not tonight." I kept my eyes on the floor as looking at him would be too much. "Just leave me alone."

He stepped backwards and I could feel the tears rising. Why is it that I'm consumed with so much guilt and self-loathing for saying one little thing to him? I can't even ask to be alone without feeling like the biggest bitch in the world. But yet he can lie to me and hurt me the way he did? Why am I always the one who has to forfeit my feelings? I'm never the one who gets to be in a grump or argue their point of view or get to just be selfish for a little while.

I know I sound more selfish than anything right now but thinking things and actually doing them are different.

"I'm sorry. I'm really glad you're alright," I whispered.

He didn't make another sound so I nodded and went inside.

Mom then started screaming at me because it was so late. Then she grounded me.

The tears broke free. I stared at her.

She crossed her arms.

I could have sworn at her, told her how much I'm starting to hate her, how much she's hurting me, how she shouldn't take her hatred out on the person who needs her most, loves her the most, how I was the star child until recently and that I need her – I don't need her to remind me about how I'm losing grip on anything.

But I didn't shout at her. I shut my mouth like always and climbed the stairs.

She didn't come ask me how I was, but I heard her bitching to Scott about me and how I've changed. I don't understand why she hates me like this. I'm not a bad daughter! I didn't even slam my door!

Why can't she accept that I'm going through stuff?

Nobody expects us, as teenagers, to be going through things. 'Adults' just expect that we're all yobs and don't have any feelings. Teachers at school hit the roof if we forget one little thing – or get one C on a test. Why is it so hard to believe that we're just normal people and sometimes have things going on? I mean, when parents or teachers have things happening in their lives then we have to accommodate for them but they never seem to think it goes both ways because we're young. We're 'too young' to be going through issues, or heartache or death and illness.

If I say anything to Scott then he tells me off, saying that I have to remember that she's stressed at work. But I'm stressed! Why don't I get to act like her? Why do I have to walk on egg shells when she doesn't do the same for me?

I understand that they have no way of knowing about the werewolves and vampires but that doesn't mean that I can't still be going through stuff.

My gorgeous boy Zain came and laid on my bed with me as I cried. He's really the only one I can count on. He licked my wet cheeks and brought a sad smile to my face. Sometimes I wonder if he's the only one who truly cares how I am... and he only cares because he knows if I'm in a crap mood then he won't get a very nice walk.

"Do you love me, Zainy?" I whispered, ruffling his ears. He tilted his little head to the side. He licked my cheek again and walked round in a circle before lying down next to me, ready to go to sleep. Mom usually doesn't like it when we let him sleep on our beds but fuck her, I'm cuddling my dog.

The pain is just too much.

And this all happened so very quickly. One minute I think my life is perfect and the next I almost lose everything.

Jared sent me a text saying 'I love you. Please don't be upset' followed by a few extra kisses than normal.

Now, I'm sat up in the early hours of the morning, without having a moments sleep. The insomnia has set in again apparently.

Why can't I just be angry? Angry and leave it like that, like Lucy. She didn't feel guilt for the mean things she said to me – and about me behind my back – when we argued. I was the one who called her to apologise. I was the one who said it was my fault even though I hadn't even done anything!

And now, when Jared's crushed my heart I can't even be angry, I'm just sad. I feel guilty for making him feel anywhere near as sad as I do. I feel guilty for making him see me in pain! How is that my fault? That shouldn't even go through my mind! He made me feel like this but yet there isn't a vengeful thought in my body that would ever want to bestow this level of hurt on him.

So yeah, I can't be angry with him. But yet I don't think I'm capable of going through that act again, where I pretend that I'm fine with everything, where I don't care that my life is falling apart bit by bit. I did when he told me he was a werewolf, that supernatural beings exist and that all I believed in – science and logic – was crap. I pretended that I was okay, that it was something you could just accept. It's not. You can't accept something of that magnitude in such a short space of time. But I pretended that I did because I upset him and I hated that more than anything.

This is usually where I call him and tell him I was silly to be angry and that I was probably just overwhelmed. I listen to his excuses and later try to convince myself that he did the right thing. I tell myself that it doesn't matter because I've got him and I should just feel lucky that I've got a soul mate as so many people will never know a love like ours.

But I don't. My fingers don't press the call button.

I don't know what to do. It feels like something's been broken...possibly destroyed.

Something between us has gone.

Kim Conweller

Okay so this is twice as long as usual so it took ages to edit, I hope you guys like it? It's always difficult to write about dramatic things in this diary format because you want to get her opinions before and during and afterwards and it takes a while to try make it flow a bit better.

You have to sort of bare in mind for the next couple of chapters that Kim is the type of person who really has to take her time with things (why they didn't kiss/get together even after she knew about imprinting) and she mulls it over and reads too far between the lines. So you might not always agree with the things she's going to do but obviously she has to have flaws and they need to have arguments because 30 odd chapters off just happiness would be really boring :)

As always, thanks to everyone who's reading and reviewing, I really appreciate it!

P.S. Go see The Hunger Games, it's really good!

LiViNgStRoNgLy - Thank you so much for reading and reviewing as always, I'm glad you liked it :) Haha as you can see, you were right about him not telling her! But yeah I liked doing this too because it's nice to see something different every now and then. Anyway, thanks again!