Dear Diary,

Although I'm not sure how or why, I decided that no matter how much my heart was breaking, I wasn't going to let that become all I was. I was going to carry on with my life, or at least what is left of it. I was going to go to school and do well and work. I've read so many books and seen so many movies where they get dumped and their life falls apart; they let who their boyfriend was become them, just like Lucy does – the last time Austin told her they should go on a break she actually took the rest of the week off school. Reading books about or seeing how borderline pathetic woman get makes me cringe. Feminism took us so far but yet there are still so many women who let their relationship status control their happiness, you should be happy in yourself as a person, not completely lost without them.

But it's easier said than done.

And that's sort of what I was annoyed at Jared for doing, making me into some pathetic woman and I don't want to be that. I don't want to be the girl he fucks and I don't want to be a wimp. I want to prove that I'm stronger that what he thinks I am.

I never thought I'd be like this – I never thought I'd feel as if Jared was the only reason for me to be living. I didn't even think I'd find someone who I would love this much, let alone meet someone who would become everything I know.

Our circumstances are a little bit different, though. I can't just tell myself to forget about him because he's all I've got. That's it. It's only ever going to be me and Jared and now I'm not so sure what that means.

I love him so much, with my whole heart. There will never be a doubt in my mind about that, that's for certain. He's all I think about, all I want and I'm completely mesmerised by him... but for the first time that just doesn't feel like it's going to be enough.

He doesn't trust me and I don't know if he ever will trust me. I also don't know if I want to live a life with him if it's going to be a life of secrets and lies. Maybe if I knew this wasn't so definite, that we were just teens in love... But it's not and I have to be realistic; I'm going to be with Jared for the rest of my life and we don't seem to have the same ideas of what a relationship means.

I'm not perfect, I know. I'm nerdy and awkward and I don't get things right most of the time. I hurt him as much as he's hurt me and I don't always realise it straight away. But the whole thing about sex keeps replaying in my mind; how he'd told the guys stuff that had happened. I've no doubt that he's told them a hell of a lot more and I just really don't know what to do or how I feel about that. I thought it was special; something between only us. I thought this thing we had going on was special. He'd persuaded me that I was more than just any other girl he's fucked, not just another notch on his bedpost.

Presently I'm not so sure if that's the case. I know everyone thinks I'm reading too much into it but I can't ignore the fact that he had sex with me, knowing that he was going to lie to me. Did he do it so that we didn't talk and I didn't ask him questions? I mean, if our roles were reversed I couldn't do it because I'd feel too guilty. I'd feel like I was using him. There isn't a morsel in my body that would feel right about looking him in the eyes, still naked and vulnerable, and lie.

Perhaps if he'd only shown that he was lying, maybe if he'd seemed really nervous and guilty then I could understand that he was doing it because he had to. But he didn't. He seemed fine with lying to my face. He didn't even blink. My mind can't help but wonder that if he's lying to me about this, what else is he lying about? How much of what he tells me is bullshit? How much of the 'imprinting' did he embellish to suit his needs? What if I'm simply in love with him? I don't know! I've never been in love before! This doesn't feel like something ordinary but how am I meant to trust him and believe what he says when I know it could all just be another lie?

I hate that if Emily hadn't told me, I'd never have known. I would have lived my life and what, had Jared sneaking off to fight vampires in dangerous wars without ever knowing... to one day wait by the door for days until I realise he's not going to return?

I don't want to be that vulnerable woman who's nothing more than a wife; nothing more than what her husband will let her be. I want to be Jared's partner. Not just the 'misses' he leaves at home to do the cleaning. But how can I ever be anything else?

So this is the life I'm condemned to, is it?

There's nothing wrong with being a housewife but that thought had never crossed my mind. My mom made it pretty clear to me that I should make a life for myself out of my brains – I've realised that that's really the only thing I've got going for me and it was difficult at first to know you're not really that pretty or funny or talented but I'm proud that I'm smart. I'd rather be smart than nothing.

But with Jared would it just be about my body? Is that basically what we're together for, with this imprinting, to make babies? To carry on the werewolf gene... to live in La Push for the rest of my life...

Being a mom is the hardest job in the world and it's probably the most rewarding thing but it's not me. I'm not the type of person who'd want to have children young. I want to actually experience the world before I settle down to try pass on something to a child – I don't want to just become bitter like my mom because I can't do the things I wanted to.

This isn't what I thought our relationship was like. I didn't think Jared was just humouring me.

With that playing havoc in my mind, I went to school and kept my head down and worked. Lucy and Aysel are having another argument and I really couldn't give a shit about it, not on top of everything else. So I ignored them and went and sat in the library at lunch. It was good because there are less people there which means that I get to escape everyone pestering me about why none of the guys had come in. I couldn't exactly tell them Jacob broke every bone in his body, so I just said they all caught a bug.

Really he was out saving the lives of hundreds of people and got hurt, but what does it really matter?

I thought to cheer myself up I'd go visit my Nan and granddad.

I was wrong.

"I've just popped in for a little bit," I told her as she brought me through to the living room. "I've got a lot of work to do and I have to walk Zain."

"Would you like a cup of tea, Kim?" she asked.

"No, I'm alright thank you."

"Are you sure? I'll fix you up some dinner?"

"No, no, it's okay, I really can't stay that long."

"Oh, can't you? Just a quick visit, eh?"

"Yeah," I smiled and asked her about her painting club that she goes to – she's really rather good. I don't think she does it as much as she used to but she's wonderful. I always told her she should sell them or something but she won't, she just does it for fun and hands them out to her little friends on the rez. I have about three in my room – one of a patch of trees that she used to take Jason and I on a walk when we were younger before her knees got bad. The second is of New York, the day she met my granddad. It's not of a big skyscraper but of a tiny little cafe. It's so cute. It's one of the places that I really want to visit in my life. The third is a silly little one of Zain. I think it's probably my favourite.

"It's quite well, we did some lovely flowers last week. Here, I'll show you," she said, passing over come large pieces of watercolour paper.

"Don't you usual like to use acrylic paints?" I asked.

"Yes, I haven't used watercolours in about fifteen years but Lavinia insisted we tried something different. Now, I'll go put the kettle on. Would you like a cup of tea?"

"No, I'm okay at the moment, thank you."

"Okay then, I'll put it on a bit later. Oh yes, now, my watercolours – I usually use acrylics, you see."

You can't say that she's already told you that because it would be rude and cruel so for a couple hours we spoke about probably the same four things. My granddad just sits there, smiling and pretending like it's all news to him each time so I just copied his lead. Nothing good would come of us telling her so we just have to pretend each time like it's surprising and I hate it, I hate it feelings like I'm patronising her. But she can finish a conversation, take a breath and then start it all from the beginning. I suppose it's a lot for her now and she's thinking about it in her mind but forgets that she's already said it out loud. I don't know.

She asked me if Zain was my boyfriend when I left, and asked whether I was going to bring him round to see her again.

I came home and cried for about an hour.

She really does like Jared though. He's polite and charming and makes her laugh, as always.

Maybe that's the problem, he's just to smooth. He can lie and charm his way into anyone's heart and I'm so awkward it's insane. I'm even awkward with my own Nan now.

Today I went to school and did exactly the same thing – put my head down, sat in the library and studied. The boys came back, but not Jacob or Jared.

Paul came up to me when I was at my locker. It seems this is the place where the shit goes down.

He said nothing. I decided I wasn't going to let him be pissed at me, considering I haven't done anything and frankly I was pretty annoyed with him too.

"How's Jacob?" I asked. He pulled a face.

"Recovering."

I nodded. "Good."

His eyes narrowed and he opened his mouth to say something bitter or sarcastic but he closed it. I opened my locker and got some books out and apparently he just couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Are you even going to ask how your boyfriend is or are you really that heartless and don't give a shit?"

I couldn't even look at him, let alone respond. I'd never be someone to come up with a witty reply so I just walked away before I started crying.

What right does he have to be angry at me? What have I done?

Oh yeah, I know. I stood up for myself for the first time in my life, probably. So yeah, I'm not bowing down and letting everyone walk all over me. I'm not going to be the bitch Jared gets to lie to because that's not who I want to be. I'm allowed to decide that, aren't I? When it's my own life?

I'm always the person looking out for everyone else, pretending that I don't care about things because I know they can't help it but I'm fed up! I'm fed up with my friends bitching, people lying and everyone generally being shitty.

All the guys act like everything's normal and they never have a care in the world but don't they understand? Being a werewolf isn't normal! Ten guys and one girl, all but two under eighteen, should not be risking their lives. They shouldn't have to deal with this. It's not right. It's not fair.

Why don't they ever seem to worry about things? Why don't they care? Why did it mean so little to Jared that he didn't tell me that he could possibly die? Am I really the only person who worries?

Is this the best it's ever going to be? Friends who talk about you behind your back and a boyfriend who lies to you – Jared is supposed to be my perfect match, my one and only but yet it's still fucked up.

Am I ever going to find a person who genuinely cares about other people? Will I ever find someone who cares about how I feel? Because my dad doesn't even care if I'm breathing and my mom cares only if I'm breathing, and not my quality of life. My step dad will always just be the one to bow down and let my mom walk all over him so his opinion is nullified. My Nan and granddad, the only two happily married people in my family, are now brought to nothing by her Alzheimer's. Instead of being lovers, being a team, he's become her carer.

It's not always like it was the other day, sometimes she's really good and can remember loads of stuff. But then it's worse because during those brief moments where she seems to have her wits about her, she knows that she's losing it. She knows that there's no cure; she's only ever going to get worse. At least with some illnesses that aren't degenerative you can hold onto that hope that you will get better. She doesn't have that. She'll never have any peace of mind and neither will my granddad.

I worry so much. I worry about them every day. I worry about what I say to my mom in our arguments because I don't want to upset her. I mean, she's never been happily married. She's never content with her money, never seems to finish a case and put it to bed; it's always hanging over her head. I don't remember the last time I ever saw her laugh out loud and that hurts. It hurts so bad to have to see your family so bitter. You simply can't help but feel guilty. In fact, you almost believe that it's okay when they take it out on you because if you can't make them happy, then you deserve it.

Parents just don't seem to realise the effect they have on their children. They fuck us up in ways they can't even imagine.

All I want is for the people around me to be happy. Why it is that nobody seems happy? And why is that my fault?

I so badly want to ask Paul how Jared is but I know he'll tell me the one simple thing I need to do to find out: answer his calls.

I just can't do it. I don't want to hear his voice and be reminded of how things have changed.

Am I over reacting?

All I need is an answer. From anyone. I need an honest answer by someone who cares about my mental well being. I need them to tell me that it's going to be okay because I don't know, I really don't.

But I can't tell anyone, I can never let this out. Even when I told my friends about Jared telling everyone about the incident, there was still that knowledge that I was being forced to lie to them; I was having to keep secrets. Is this a life I'm condemned to? Secrets and lies to every person I care about? Maybe that's why it's so easy for Jared to lie... he's just become immune to it. It's second nature to him.

Is that what I'll be like soon? Last year I wasn't even capable of lying. Now I lie to my friends, my family, Jared's mom, teachers. Everyone. And for what? For a boyfriend who lies back to me. I'll forever live in a viscous circle of lies and deceit.

We had a pop quiz in math but all I could think about was how shit everything is, how it doesn't matter if I do well or not because people are mean and I'll never be happy.

I got an F. For the first time in my life, I got an F.

Great going considering I'm making a life for myself out of brains.

The teacher kept me behind and had a word. He told me how I used to be the star pupil, I was getting the best marks, I was even a tutor. He told me that now is not the time I should let myself be getting distracted. Now is the opposite of that time.

But what does it matter, really? The next year of your life is always going to be more difficult, challenging and chaotic. When will it ever be the right time to go through this shit?

That's just how my mind is at the moment; I tell myself to do one thing, that it's important, and the next moment I completely unravel it, deeming it unnecessary and pointless.

Paul came up to me at the end of the day when I was leaving school, apparently not angry at me anymore. I just side stepped it him, saying that I had to get somewhere.

"What? So you're as angry with me as you are him?" he snapped. He really is so volatile, but I suppose that sort of comes with being a werewolf. It must be hard, having to deal with that and the hormones going around your body must – no!

See? This is what I do. I try to see it from his point of view. Why I can't I just think 'What an asshole! Why does he have the right to be so snotty with me?'

Because that's true, he has no reason to shout at me! I'm allowed to be annoyed when everything is turning to shit!

"Yeah," I said, turning back to him. The Kim who started this diary would never have spoken like that to someone like Paul. Surely knowing that he's prone to exploding into a wolf when he's angry should stop me from being rude but apparently not. "Yeah, I am, Paul. Because I was stupid enough to think that you were my friend too. Obviously not. I was wrong. But don't you dare come talking to me like everything is fine after being so mean!"

I thought that things were different with him too. I thought we were friends, not just me being Jared's girlfriend, the girl he imprinted on. I thought he cared for me, not just because he cared about me being alive so that Jared wasn't in pain but because we got on.

That's just another thing I should add to the list of 'Things I was wrong about'.

Jared values Paul's opinions – sometimes – and I knew that he'd have known Jared wasn't telling me as they talk about everything. That means he probably lied and helped deceive me. He could have persuaded Jared to tell me if he cared about me, but he didn't. He was angry at me for hurting Jared, rather than saying 'how are you doing?'.

Why does nobody care about me?

I sent him one last fleeting glare before I stomped off on my way home.

"Want a lift?" Oli said quietly, coming up beside me, dangling his keys. I tried to wipe of the sour look on my face and nodded, forcing a smile. He knew it was fake though and just nodded, walking over to his car.

"Are they still arguing?" I asked him and he shrugged. The guys try as hard as they can to stay as far away from arguing girls as they can. They will not even voice a comment on it.

"I can't believe you left us with them at lunch though," he moaned. I smiled apologetically and he nudged me in the ribs.

We didn't talk much on the way home, I think he realised I wasn't in the mood. However, when we got to my house and after he helped kick open the passenger seat door (his car is really old) he told me to "cheer up, dickhead", which was quite nice of him. I think that's about as far as he can range emotionally.

"Your freak called a minute ago," Jason called from, unsurprisingly, the kitchen as I got in the door. I took a deep breath.

"He's not a freak," I said as I shoved him out of the way to get some food.

"He likes you so, err, yeah he is."

I licked my finger and then spread it on top of his sandwich. He screamed so loud I thought the neighbours would come running in.

"You are so disguisting! I can't believe you just did that!" he shouted at me and I couldn't help but smile. We argued for a bit but eventually I made him another sandwich and just took his one.

"Anyway, the giant said that he'd like it if you'd call him back when you got in, but 'only if you wanted to'," he said.

"Okay. Thanks."

"You argued with mom again?"

"Yep."

"Are you arguing with the giant?"

"Yep."

"And your friends?"

"Yep."

"Nice one."

"Cheers."

Then we parted ways and I went into my room and listened to some music and ate and then studied for a while. My cell rang again. I put it on silent. The light illuminated the room. I turned it off.

I groaned and ran my hands over my face before sliding it underneath my bed, out of temptation.

What am I doing?

There was a knock on the door and my stomach dropped to my feet. I've never understood that phrase before but I get it now. When you see or hear something you didn't want to and everything just drops and you're filled with this horrible feeling of dread.

I didn't want to confront this. I wanted to curl up under my covers with chocolate and a cup of hot milk and a book and then go to sleep, forgetting all this shit. But unfortunately I can't sleep again, like whenever I get stressed.

Maybe that's why I'm so snappy, but I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep – probably the night before Emily told me about the fight.

My feet slowly trudged downstairs but when I opened the door I was a little relieved to see Leah but as much as I like her, I couldn't help but want to groan still.

"You're selfish, you know?" she said. I went to slam the door in her face but she walked through anyway, into my lounge. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to gather the energy to put up with this.

I sat down on the couch with her. "You're selfish because now I have to listen to your whiny bitch of a boyfriend."

She gave me a half-smile so I knew she was being sarcastic.

"Did he ask you to come?" I murmured but regretted it at the angry as hell look she shot me.

"Yeah, because I'm their personal servant."

"Sorry."

"No, I figured as you've finally grown some balls this is the only place I can get away from them."

I rubbed my face with my hands. It's quite nice not wearing makeup because at least you don't have to worry about rubbing mascara over your face. As I've been so prone to random crying outbursts over the past week I've just given up on makeup.

"Am I doing the right thing?" I asked her.

Leah shrugged. "I'm not the one to tell you that; I don't know how you feel." She replied but when she saw my crest-fallen face she decided to bestow upon me some more wonderful advice. "But you definitely need to put him through as much hell as you can. He was a jerk. Nobody deserves to be lied to like that. For the record, I didn't know he didn't tell you." I nodded and forced a smile. "But... just – urgh, I can't believe I'm sticking up for that dweeb – know that he does love you. Because I'm the one who gets to listen to his sappy crap every second of every day, you can trust me on that. I know what you're like; you'll read into it so much that you'll make it into something it's not, that he did it because he secretly hates you or something."

"Thanks." I sighed and leant back. "I guess I haven't even let him explain. It was just easier to ignore it for a little while."

"I know, Kim. He's an annoying little asshole but I know how it feels to be lied to and get your heart stomped on and I don't want to see you in that pain because Jared actually does give a shit about you; even if he's completely brainless and doesn't have a clue about girls or relationships."

"He really was a major douche," she added at the unconvinced look on my face. "Plus, I think you let him get off way too easily so fuck yeah for sticking to your guns."

"You just relish at the chance to see the guys go through shit, don't you?"

She winked at me and I smiled.

We talked for the rest of the night. I guess I do have someone who cares for me. I'm just always worried about talking to her about private things because I know they have the telekinesis thing but I've decided that I shouldn't let that stop me. I shouldn't hide my feelings because that will just lead to more confusion and pain between Jared and I.

Additionally, Leah doesn't have that many people – let alone girls – that she can talk to. She's pushed away all the guys because she's stubborn. She's so stubborn that she'd rather they hated her guts than pitied her. And that stubbornness also means that she couldn't ever really forgive Emily.

Strangely enough, by her being so honest and blunt it makes me feel more comfortable with her. I know that she comes to see me because she genuinely wants to – there's no way in hell she'd do it for one of the guys and she wouldn't pretend to care about me just because one of them do.

I quizzed her about her life and how she's getting on. I think she's still pretty tied up about (in her mind) being the reason Jacob got injured. It's totally irrational but they all seem to think that just because they're not human that they've got to be "superhuman" and perfect. They're not and they'll always make mistakes and get things wrong.

"Any relationships on the horizon?" I asked her, giving her side a poke as I grinned.

"You're so annoying," she said and I grinned even more. "No. I'm not allowed relationships because I'll probably end up turning into a werewolf if we ever get into an argument," she said, mimicking Sam's stern voice. "Plus Sam's a mega dick about it. He seems to think he has the right to still be protective of me."

I gasped and let her bitch about Sam for a while. Apparently even though she doesn't have 'relationships' she hasn't stopped fooling around.

I can't help but feel like she's just craving attention. Even though I can see she's genuinely annoyed at Sam for being such a hypocrite and an asshole, I think there's a little bit of her that is happy or relieved that he at least has some feelings left for her, that she doesn't mean nothing to him.

We all want to be wanted, even mega badass werewolves like Leah.

It was also really nice to just hear about her life, not to be thinking about me and Jared, or how much I hate my life.

I made her some coffee and a sandwich. I like it when I get to take care of people. Nothing beats the feeling of happiness you get from cheering someone else up. When she left I felt better than if we'd spent the evening talking about my feelings with her trying to awkwardly console me.

Maybe I was wrong about being alone. I have Leah and Oli – and my idiotic brother at least pays attention to my life, even if he's incapable of expressing emotion.

I think I can get through this. I think I will I be okay.

Although I have a feeling Jared will be at school tomorrow and I don't know how I'm supposed to act. What do I say? Do I act angry? Or sad? Or ignore him? Or smile at him? No.

I don't know.

Kim Conweller

Thank you so much for your reviews and support, I'm really glad that you're all liking the direction that this fic is going and I'm loving the girlpower haha, but don't worry, Jared will get his chance to explain what he was thinking but it might not be for a couple of chapters. But I've written it and I really quite like it!

Anyway, I really hope that you like this one, it's a bit of just her talking about her emotions again but it's quite long and you had a little bit of drama with Paul and got to see Kim shout him down as she's kind of grown some balls now!

LiViNgStRoNgLy - Thanks again for such a lovely long review! You really don't know how much that means to me, the fact that anyone can emotionally relate to them is just so wonderful to hear and I really appreciate it :) I went into a bit more of the guilt complex with her and her mum because, like with you, this is something that I really dealt with first hand and I think in general that sort of relationship with a parent affects people more than what some would realise and so would be a huge contributor as to why she'd feel the need to keep her emotions bottled in. And urgh I just loved your review so much, I love it when people see things in Kim like that. I really wanted her to finally show her maturity and her strength because like you said, even she didn't think she could be but she wouldn't be a werewolves soul mate if she wasn't at least a little kickass and yeah I really just want to say thanks so much, it really means a lot!

Mikita - Aw thank you so so much, I'm really glad you liked it :) I'm definitely liking writing this more and more each chapter and all the reviews people write is really the main reason!

AnnechanB - Thank you so much! That really means a lot :) Yeah, I really wanted this to be a coming of age story and show Kim like struggling and coming to terms with things and, like I said in the beginning of this chapter, finding happiness within herself and to have the confidence to stand up for herself. A lot of Twilight fanfiction is very 'I can't be happy if my boyfriend doesn't love me' so I wanted to show a girl sort of finding that confidence to be happy.

Wow, anyway, enough serious talk! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!