Dear Diary

I was simply walking down the hall, minding my own business when six huge werewolves went crashing into me. I let out a small shriek but none of them seemed to be all that bothered about scaring the life out of me.

"What are you doing?"

I knew what they were doing.

They were sniffing me.

They were also exchanging rapid sentences but I didn't catch them all.

"It's on her. I can smell it."

"But it's so feint, Jared," Seth said.

"Its. On. Her."

"Just a trace but it's there," Paul agreed.

"What is going on?" I breathed, aware that people were staring. I pushed their hands off me Jared took hold of mine and sniffed it. His body started shaking. Uh oh. I know what that means.

"It's on her hand," he growled to Paul.

"What is?" I said through gritted teeth.

Jared didn't take his eyes of Paul though, who looked equally as worried.

I threw my head back because oh look, once again I was being left out of the loop.

"You smell like vampire," Seth told me, apparently the only one able to hear me.

I chocked. "I smell like a vampire?" I looked down at myself. I'm pretty sure I'd know if I was a vampire.

"No," Jared replied through gritted teeth, his shaking getting a lot worse. Like, a lot worse."There's a vampire's scent on you."

"Let's go outside," I said, pushing them towards the door. Jared didn't let go of my hand so I pulled him along for a number of reasons - one, because people were staring and it was embarrassing. Two, because they can't talk about this in front of people. And three, because Jared really didn't look like he was going to be able to hold his shit any longer.

I pushed them along till we were out of hearing range of other people, all of them still whispering to themselves.

"What's going on?" I asked Jared quietly. He looked at my hand intensely then brought it to his face. Instead of doing something tender like kiss it he gave it another sniff and shoved it in Quil's face, telling him to get a whiff then go straight to Sam, rousing the others. Yeah. Things still aren't normal between us.

"Jared?" I whispered but he didn't look me in the eyes.

"This is what I was trying to prevent," he said tightly then turned to Seth and Embry. "You two do a round of her house. If you don't pick up a scent come back and then we'll go again." They nodded and ran off into the woods. My heart was beating furiously.

Then Jared turned to me, Vampire-hunting mode on. "Who have you came into contact with? Anyone pale, red eyes, cold skin? Anyone?"

I shook my head. "No. Noone. Not since I got here."

He turned to Paul. "You check the school grounds."

Paul nodded in affirmation but didn't need to take five steps before their heads swung round, their noses twitching and their eyes on Lucy. They jolted forward but stopped. I held onto Jared's arm, pulling him to look at me.

"What is it? Jared, please."

"She's not a vampire. But she stinks of it more than you."

I swallowed nervously then remembered. "I hugged her this morning. It would have brushed off onto me, wouldn't it?"

Paul nodded. "It was only incredibly faint on you."

This didn't seem to ease Jared any more.

"Do you know where she lives?" he said to Paul, who shook his head. I gave him directions and he ran off.

Jared turned to me, his eyes guarded.

I took a deep breath, my mind reeling. Whilst I was incredibly relieved not to be the one having bumped into a vampire, it didn't make me feel any better if Lucy had. It seems as soon as one person I love is fine the next steps into mortal danger.

"Do you want me to, like, go discretely ask her if she's been with anyone remotely vampire-like? Because you can't exactly ask her and that will be the fastest way, right?"

His head shook from side to side and his hands ran up my arms to my elbows. "I don't –"

He went to pull me into a hug, I think, then stopped and dropped his arms.

I'd never have thought that it would be this awkward between us.

"She's not a vampire, right? So I'm not going to get hurt. You could smell it if a vampire was here, right?" He nodded but couldn't look at me again. "So I'll be fine," I told him. "It's not about me is it, if it's strongest on her?" I squeezed his arm as he still hadn't stopped shaking. "I'll go talk to her."

He closed his eyes and tried to breathe steady. I hate seeing him like this. I hate that this is happening again. I hate that this is why we're talking.

I hate that I've ruined this.

We talked once last week. It was after school and I'd just walked past him... I wanted more than anything to go back to him, hug him, kiss him, hold him, just talk to him but I didn't. I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing anymore.

"Kim," he'd called out, the first time we'd spoken since the bust up. "Kim, this is ridiculous!" I turned to him, still not knowing what to say. Leah had made me more ready to speak to him but seeing him brought a fresh wave of hurt. I looked away and he let out a heavy breath.

Jared looked at me for a moment then said something that made my jaw drop. "Will you just fucking listen to me for one fucking second?"

He never shouts at me. He never swears at me properly. Ever.

I guess I kinda deserved it.

"No."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"No, because you're going to try to change my mind and tell me that I'm wrong," I explained. "And I just, I'm not ready to be wrong yet, Jared."

"No, you're not. You're right. I was a dick and I was stupid and I won't argue against that – I regret it so much and I'm so sorry but please, Kim, I just want you to know why I did it."

"Fine," I said, but the pent up anger and frustration of not seeing him for so long had made me so agitated than an argument really didn't bring out the best of me. "But first you have to tell me why you're sorry."

His thick eyebrows nudged upwards in surprise and confusion. "What?"

"Why are you sorry? Why do you regret not telling me? Because I found out?"

"No!"

"Because I got upset?"

He wasn't so quick to dispute that one. I scoffed and turned on my heels to walk away but only made it a couple of steps before I whirled around again. We needed to have had this argument at the beginning just sitting on it has meant that I've made it into something I'm not. And the longer I keep putting it off the worse it'll get and the more awkward it'll be between us. I need to stop being so terrified of confrontation because it's slightly (okay, very) pathetic.

Too many times have I been the one to shut up and walk away when arguing with my mom, too many times I've just let things blow over with my friends because I didn't want to cause a hassle, too many times have I been the one holding back my emotions because I don't feel like I have the right to voice them.

But I do, goddamn it. Why should I care when noone does? Where has being so spineless gotten me?

Crying at home, alone, with noone to talk to but my fucking dog, that's where.

"I'm fed up, Jared. Why should I be the one who has to listen to you? When you don't even want to talk about it and see why I'm upset?"

"You haven't given me a chance!" he exclaimed, affronted.

If we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together then we can't carry on like this, not talking and now knowing how the other feels.

Diary, stop looking at me like that. I know I'm being a major hypocrite. And I know I'm being a whiny bitch but you know what? I honestly don't give a shit.

"I know I've been a bitch, Jared but everytime I go to talk to you I just think about how you manipulated me and deceived me and you didn't even show an ounce of worry at doing so! How do I know when you're telling the truth?" I took a deep breath. "I want to forgive you so bad but how do I know that you're not going to do the exact same thing the next time? How do I know that your apologies actually mean anything? It could all just be one lie after another just to get me to stop being annoyed and back in bed. For all I know you're only apologising because it's the easy way out, not because you actually mean it."

Is this what I was doing? Punishing him so that the next time he would think again about lying?

Isn't that as a bad as manipulating?

I really am a major hypocrite.

His thick eyebrows pulled together and his lips formed a tight line.

"Kim," he whispered.

I shook my head at him, urging back the tears that threatened to swell up. "That's why I'm upset. Because I thought we were more than that. I'd obviously misjudged our relationship... and that's kind of hard for me to get over."

"It's not like that," he said, trying to hold my hand. "Babe, please. I made a mistake, that doesn't have to change our relationship –"

"So you think we're just going to go back to normal?" I shoved his hands away. "You think that it doesn't matter?"

"But I love you!" he raised his voice, his anger and hurt growing. "I love you so fucking much that I can't even think and so yeah I made a stupid decision but that doesn't take away everything else, does it?"

I shrugged. Jared let out another breath to steady himself and pulled at his hair in frustration. "I didn't not tell you because I don't trust you – you can't honestly believe that after everything I don't trust you? Why would I even tell you what I am and go through that if I didn't trust you and want to share everything with you, and let you know what's going on? I let you in, for fucks sake Kim!"

I took a step back and looked at the ground, hurt because it was true. It's true because the last time he let me in I ran away from him. I didn't exactly make him want to open up even more. I hurt him the last time and I don't think he's going to forget the sight of me running away from him. Fuck.

"But I just... and you worry so much. You worry about the littlest things and you panic and I didn't want to have to put another thing on your plate to worry about. I'm already the reason you fight with your mom and I really couldn't deal with having to put you through that as well."

"So you didn't tell me because I worry too much?" I said quietly. It didn't make me feel better. If anything, I felt worse. I really am the worst possible imprint. I'm supposed to be the one to support him, strong enough to help. But no, I'm so weak that he can't even talk to me about what's going on.

He let out a loud groan. "This isn't about you!" he shouted angrily. Jared shouting is scary and it's not something I've ever been at the receiving end of. "I didn't want to fucking talk about it! Okay?! I was going out to fight an army of newborn vampires to the death and you're the only thing that takes my mind off it!"

He breathed heavily, lifting his shoulders and looking at me with vulnerability in his eyes at having finally let that out. "You're my escape from that shit. So yeah, I wanted to pretend that it wasn't happening because I love you and I don't want that to be mixed with my memoires."

I guess what I was forgetting was the shit that he has to go through. I forgot what he was having to deal with.

Fuck.

Worst. Soulmate. Ever.

I couldn't find the words to say anything and he stormed off. I know that he's true. I know that I've made mistakes – we've both made mistakes. So it's been a week but I still haven't managed to find the words to say. Maybe there's just one... 'sorry'. Or perhaps the only three that matter. The three that I'm always a bit scared to say.

But anyway, back today. "Okay, so I'll just like ask her if she's been hanging out with anyone different?"

He nodded. "Fine, but be careful." His eyes flittered up to me and my breathing caught. "I have to go phase but I'll be just there, okay? Call if you need anything."

"Okay," I started to walk away but I stopped and turned back, however I was unable to meet his eyes again.

"I..." I bit my lip. "I miss you."

Wrong three words, Kim.

His arm stretched out to touch me but I'd already started walking back towards the school. Fucking vampire shit coming up again. Shouldn't this all be over? Didn't they all die in that fight?

When I finally found Lucy, she smiled easily and I hated that she was so clueless. I hate that the thing could have killed her and she had no idea. "What's going on? I hear your weird lot like ran at you this morning," she said in amusement.

I rolled my eyes. "Who knows," I said, shrugging my shoulders.

How come lying has just become so effortless?

"Anyway, what have you been up to my dearest friend?" I asked her, linking my arm through hers. My best bet was to joke about being so forward in my questionings. Then she won't think I'm being suspicious.

I was right too because she then launched into a ten minute discussion of her and Austin's relationship – how he was a still being a total douchebag but he might be taking their relationship more seriously lately as he introduced her to his cousin.

"Hold up, what? You met his cousin?"

"Yes, last night!" she smiled at my genuine interest, not knowing it was for a completely different reason. "Now when I say Austin is gorgeous, he is literally nothing compared to his cousin. Jesus. Christ. I couldn't even talk to him properly. He was so attractive!"

Wow. That really was a lot more simpler than I'd anticipated. I turned and my eyes glanced back towards the door, thinking of Jared in the woods.

"Really?" I said, trying not to give away anything but probably failing miserably. "What's he like?" She looked at me.

"Err, get your greedy mitts off. You've already got one hunk!"

I could feel panic rising up within me. See? This is why I can't do this. I'd be awful in a fight because even the thought of getting caught out lying sends me into a panic attack.

"No... I think we need to set Aysel up with someone," I said. Fortunately she bought this and agreed whole-heartedly.

"Oh yeah! Totally, totally. He's like really tall, quite pale but in a really attractive, alternative way, you know? He just carries himself in such a sexy way. You know I love my Aus but holy crap."

I smiled. "Did you meet him at Austin's house? Where does he live?"

She shrugged. "I don't know, somewhere far away I think – urgh, but he's only staying for a little while."

She looked at me when I didn't reply to see me biting my lips in concentration.

"Oh dear."

I don't think I really sold it if I'm honest.

"What color eyes does he have?" I asked. Her confusion showed on her face. "Aysel only likes guys with blue eyes, doesn't she?" I faked a laugh and she frowned.

"I don't know, actually. He was wearing sunglasses the whole time I think."

"Wow okay. Cool," I swallowed nervously. "I have to go quickly see Jared before class. Catch you later!"

"What's going on with you two anyway?"

"Long story," I muttered and turned to go.

"Hey, Kim?" she called me back.

"Uh huh," my eyes darting to the window.

"Do you wanna do something tonight? Go shopping?"

"Yes!" I replied, probably a little too earnestly. "That would be great!" Anything that would stop her from going to see Austin.

She smiled at my enthusiasm and we agreed on a time. I tried not to act too weird and attempted to walk normally into the woods, which isn't normal to begin with.

I'm seriously going to get in so much trouble if I get caught skipping another lesson. I saw Sam and Jared emerging from the woods that surrounds the schools and I walked over to them, explaining everything that she told me. And then I said that I was gonna go shopping with her to get her out of La Push.

"No chance. You're not leaving my sight." Jared crossed his arms and I ignored the annoyance of being told what to do.

"I don't know, Jared. Maybe getting the girls out of the way is a good idea? Seattle is in the opposite direction to Lucy's house."

"It's not a risk we can take," he said. He looked at me. "Kim, please. Just stay at your house tonight. We'll patrol. You'll be safer here. Please."

I nodded because I can't honestly do anything else to put him pain, and that last look he sent me and the pained 'please' was too much.

My feelings for him haven't changed. I still can't deny him anything. Well, except forgiveness apparently. Who knew I was such an unforgiving, stubborn bitch, eh?

We stayed up late talking and it was nice to finally have a friend to talk to, and I realised how much I missed her. Eventually, Jared text to say it was okay for Lucy to go home, and so I got my stepdad to give her a lift home. At about one in the morning there was a light knock on my window and I almost screamed until I saw Jared's face hovering outside. I opened the window and he climbed inside.

He'd done this so many times, yet it now feels weird.

"No scent of anything having been in her house. Or around. Nowhere in La Push."

I wrapped my cardigan around me and Jared shut the window behind him. "So she's safe?"

He shrugged and took a seat on my bed. "I think so." I sat next to him. Whilst I took that as a sign to be relieved he just appeared agitated. "For now anyway."

"Do you think it was just a coincidence?" I asked. "I mean, she said that he wasn't around for long. He might be long gone already."

He leant back, looking haggard and tired. Seeing him up close made me realise how shit he looked.

Jared really looked awful.

"Maybe, I just don't know. But I don't like a coincidences like this, not ones that compromise your safety."

We sat in silence. I shifted uncomfortably.

Jared looked up at my ceiling and I stared at him. He was topless, of course. His ripped jeans hung low on his hips. If we were in this situation a couple months ago, we'd have been all over each other.

His hair had grown longer and was even more dishevelled. He hadn't shaven in ages. There were scratches marring his body that had already started to heal. But he was gorgeous. The most attractive man I've ever seen. Man, because noone can go to a war and come back a boy. Because I forget that he's killed peo- vampires. He's killed something, anyway.

He's been through so much and I'm supposed to be the one comforting him. I should be the one sharing his load and yet I'm just making it a hundred times worse.

I crossed my legs and my knee brushed against his thigh. His heat was radiating off of him, warming my skin. I'd forgotten what it felt like to touch him.

He turned to me and I realised my mouth was dry.

Suddenly I'm very aware with how I'm breathing, knowing he can hear. I lick my lips and when I notice he has a leaf in his hair by instinct I forget what I'm doing and my fingers are running through his hair, pulling it out.

I crumpled the leaf and the crunching sound pierces the quiet – well, the quiet and my breathing.

My eyes dropped to his lips and before I realise what's happening, my hands are back in his hair and his mouth is against mine. It's the first kiss in what feels like a lifetime. A stifled moan escapes my parted lips. I've missed this.

I pulled him closer, needing to feel his skin against mine. He pushed my legs apart, setting between my legs as I fell down against my bed. His lips caressed mine with an urgency I can't remember experiencing.

His hand cupped my face and brought me closer, his lips greedily pecking at mine, stealing short, passionate kisses. It's rough and I can almost taste his desperation. It's as if he knows I'm going to push him back before I do it.

But I do. I push him away and pull my knees up, burying my flushed face in my hands. My body is shaking but I can't do it. I can't forget that feeling of vulnerability of lying naked in this very bed, having giving myself completely to him and then get betrayed just moments after. I trusted him completely and I just don't know how to get past the mortification and heartbreak of him doing something I never thought he'd do.

Why do I have to be like this?

Surely I should be used to being disappointed by people? It just felt to familiar. Watching him walk out the door, telling a lie, knowing there was a chance he'd never come back but that all I had was hope. Hope and ignorance. When my dad left I thought he'd come back but he never did. He promised he'd come back but he never did. Promises don't mean shit. I thought that I could rely on my dad, too. I think that was probably what hurt so much, having that familiar piercing of abandonment scorch through me.

"I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry," Jared whispered.

I shook my head, "no, it was me." I walked over and opened the window. "I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry."

He brushed past me as he climbed out and there was that familiar sounding howl from the woods a moment later. And then that familiar feeling of tears.

Maybe if I wasn't so fucking messed up then I wouldn't have made such a big deal out of this.

It could be so easy to forgive him. So why am I doing this?

Yours sincerely,

Kim Conweller, Professional Idiot.

Hi guys, it's been a while! I'm really sorry for abandoning this for so long but I suddenly had some spare time and thought that I'd finish this off! I had most of it already written and there's only about two more chapters to go! I'm sorry if it's really shit as well but I'm so out of practise with writing, but if there's anyone who wanted to know where I was going with this then I thought I'd let you guys see :)

Sorry again! But I hope you like it! Let me know what you think and thanks for reading if anyone has stuck with this!