notes/warnings
+ in which things happen
+ warning for potential character death
+ I love fish. I wish there were more fish in this story. :(
One
Watari wasn't exaggerating. Rae has not moved physically even an inch.
"You okay?" L asks, and Rae just stares at him, eyes the colour of molasses.
L isn't bothered by the silence. He isn't feeling great right now, either. He pads across the roof to stand next to his Shinigami.
"I said something troublesome," he observes. "But I can't really apologise. You say a lot of troublesome things, too."
Rae continues to gape at him, looking frightened and strangely young.
"What," it says, quietly, "what are you, Lawliet?"
L tilts his head to one side.
"Unwashed, ugly and obnoxious?" he suggests. "Or were you looking for something more along the lines of 'tall'?"
Rae just shakes its head.
You aren't even joining in the banter. You must be suffering.
L checks his regular watch. The new watch isn't calibrated as perfectly as he requires of a timekeeping device, since that is not its function.
"Fifteen minutes left," he announces. "We should go. You don't want to keep the old king waiting, do you? He may decide to give your crown to someone else."
That does get Rae's attention.
"You used the notebook?" it asks, croakily.
"I used the notebook" L says, sadly.
But not too sadly. He didn't use it as a criminal would. L's weakness nowadays is his humanity, not his propensity for evil. He was so scared of turning out like Light that he has come full circle; become the inverse of Light. In a thousand million years, Light never would have used the notebook on someone he loved so that they might one day have a shot at being human again.
Mostly because Light wasn't capable of love, but that isn't the point.
"I renounce Light Yagami," Rae says suddenly, without preamble.
For a moment, L freezes up. He hadn't actually been expecting this.
"What?"
"You were right," Rae says, vehemently. "He…he killed you, and I can't tolerate that. I will destroy anyone who tries to kill you. You are mine."
"Oh," L says, eloquently. "Okay."
Rae gets to its feet, suddenly seeming much more normal.
"No parent can resist the opportunity to save their child, huh?"
"That was an unnecessary number of air quotes" L replies, frowning.
"No, it was the correct number." Rae says, smirking.
It takes the notebook from L's unresisting hands and opens up to the first page. And there, in L's messy handwriting, is a single sentence.
'Mail Jeevas will die quickly and painlessly at the exact moment that the following two conditions are met: that Mihael Keehl is in the third world, and in the case that Mail's death would take him to the third world and not to hell.'
"Very well written," Rae comments. "No room for error or misinterpretation. You would never have forgiven yourself if you had let this opportunity escape."
"Should I ask whether Mail's name is sufficient?" L enquires. "Or am I correct in the assumption that the clairvoyant powers of the notebook were fabricated, and that whether the death will actually occur is in fact irrelevant to your becoming king?"
Rae was always too certain, as if there was never any doubt.
And that's okay. L would rather not know. He would rather have hope that one day, Mello will go free.
"I'm sorry for lying to you," Rae says, sounding genuinely contrite.
"I'm used to being lied to," L murmurs, without really thinking.
"I'm not like him," Rae says, quickly.
"I know."
"I will kill him for you," Rae says. "Will that be enough? If I kill him for you?"
"I'm not asking you to kill anyone," L says, but he is relieved to hear Rae say those words, all the same.
"I will anyway."
It's getting warmer. The sun is trying to shine through the rain. Today is going to be a beautiful day.
"Come on," he says, smiling. "Let's go to this church and get your crown."
Saying goodbye to the damn Shinigami isn't exactly the saddest moment in Raye's recent history. It might even be the happiest moment in Raye's recent history.
"Goodbye," Rae says to Mail, sounding suspiciously sincere.
"I don't care," Mail points out. But then he actually turns and looks at Rae with those intense, tortured blue eyes, and says, "but you should never fuckin' leave him."
It's strange, the way he's lost everything and still has just enough energy left to try and protect other people's relationships.
Maybe it's his way of atoning.
"I won't," Rae says, grinning like an extremely dehydrated shark.
"So why are you saying goodbye?" Raye inquires.
"I'm not coming back for you."
Raye rolls his eyes.
"Remember that time you pretended to care about me so that you could hurt L?" he says. He feels like he should at least remind L that the Shinigami isn't exactly trustworthy.
We should be trying to get as far away from this thing as possible, not letting it into our team and dating it.
Seriously, why did it even come to this? Why isn't Naomi here to stop L from doing incredibly stupid things? Why isn't Naomi here?
"We all remember that," L says, quietly. His back is straighter than usual. Despite Rae's good mood, he's worried about something. And really, that's not a surprise. They're dealing with Shinigami and ungodly notebooks and a whole lot of rules they don't know or understand.
"Do you want me to come with you?" he offers, suddenly.
"No," Rae scoffs.
"No," L agrees. "Stay here and watch the headquarters. I should be back soon."
Raye still remembers the day they first found out L had a death note. Back when there were more of them, and they were happier. They questioned L's morality and his strength, and they worried for their own lives.
Those days seem so long ago, now. He understands something of how Naomi felt, of what it means to trust L with one's own life and not be afraid.
Raye looks straight into Rae's evil, mud-coloured eyes.
"Whatever happens," he warns, "you leave him out of it. You make sure L comes back home."
Rae stares down at him, looking calmly smug, and Raye is hit by an odd, unnerving sense of déjà vu.
What?
"Of course," Rae says, haughtily.
And then L waves and they're both gone, walking down the hall towards the elevator like today is an ordinary day and nothing could possibly go wrong. Raye Penber grits his teeth and rests his head back against the wall.
"I have a bad feeling about this," he says.
Mail doesn't listen. He's too busy scrawling Mihael's name across the desk.
L has a portable recording device strapped under his shirt, where the notebook used to be. It is a poor substitute, but it would be poorer still to be found wanting. He still has the remaining scrap of death note paper in his new watch. He also has a pair of the mirror-glasses in his pocket.
He has no idea what the hell-god might throw at them.
He leaves his guns and knives in the base. Ordinary weapons won't be useful against something omniscient, something that can rewrite the world.
Even if Rae ascends the throne and they never meet again, that will suffice. L will be happy. He has learned not to hope for too much. And he has learned to bargain. He has lost so many people that all he can ask for is not any more, not this one.
"You can't grieve all the time."
Raye Penber told him that a few weeks ago.
"Not unless your name rhymes with Spail Weevas."
Raye sometimes fancies himself as a comedian.
They drive most of the way to the church, in one of the cars made especially for L. It's just the two of them; L wouldn't dare involve any of his team in something as dangerous and uncertain as this. L parks outside what was probably once a supermarket, and is now a dilapidated heap of brick. The church is right next door. Both venues are completely abandoned, and nobody is around.
Rae is still talking enthusiastically, about becoming king and winning and what they're going to do together for the rest of eternity. And every so often it frowns and tells him that it hates Light. And L believes every word it says.
But he's still scared. Because the enemy isn't Light, today. It isn't even remotely human.
"Hurry up," Rae says, cheerfully, when L takes too much time getting out of the car. It opens the door and pulls him out, and L spills onto the ground in a graceful flurry of limbs.
"Impatient," he says, softly.
Rae picks him up like he's a small toddler and spins him around.
"You were the one who decided to make me wait five years," it says.
L laughs, despite himself, and tucks his head under Rae's chin for a moment.
"You were the one playing silly games," he says. "You could have just told me outright that I'd have to use it to give Mail a chance. You don't have to make everything a battle."
He has the sudden desire to kiss the top of Rae's head, but Rae sets him down before he can act on it. They walk the rest of the short distance to the church, side by side, and L thinks oh please, give me this one, oh please.
The hell-god drives everyone to prayer. There isn't anything else.
The church looks even more disused up close. It appears as if someone might have made an effort to replace some of the broken walls with corrugated iron, but even the iron is decades old. In fact, even the rubbish strewn around the grounds seems to be years old. Nobody comes here any more. Rae stops him when they get to the entrance, its hand against his chest.
"No," it commands. "You can't come in here. This is secret Shinigami business."
"Really?" L asks, carefully. "It might be safer if I-"
"Really," Rae replies. "Go and drive back to headquarters. I'll come and visit you tonight."
"Tonight when you are king?"
Rae lays its skeletal skinless hands on L's shoulders.
"Yes."
L doesn't believe it. Everything seems too easy, despite the fact that he was forced to use the death note. Mail's potential death – if it occurs – will be kind and beneficial to everyone involved. L has not become Light. L and Rae are more than friends. Rae renounced Light. Nothing is here to stop them. The path to the church is clear and yet L is afraid.
Too easy.
Can't you see it, Shinigami?
But he has no explanation. No logic to convince Rae. Nothing but an unease in his heart and an odd sensation in his stomach and the terrible conviction that they are never going to see each other again.
Please don't be a person in hell. Please just be a death god. Please become king and be okay.
Oh please.
"And we'll play chess," Rae says, clearly reading his mood, one hand trailing over his chest. "And eat your stupid cake."
"Those are the worst euphemisms I have ever heard."
"That too," Rae says, grinning. "I expect a lot of compensation for all the stupid things you've done."
"Let's kill Light as well," L blurts out suddenly, stupidly. "Let's protect the world from him."
Rae tilts its head.
"Well, I'm not sure he's somewhere we can kill him, but we can make sure he isn't coming back," it promises, earnestly.
Why did you have to be everything I wanted?
"Okay," L replies.
Rae shoves him in the general direction of the car.
"Okay," it agrees. "Go. See you soon."
L takes a few steps and glances over his shoulder. Rae seems to be looking for something near the entrance. The door is closed. Perhaps some sort of key?
What are they going to do to you in there?
Helplessly, L turns away and makes a beeline for the car.
There is nothing that he can do.
Oh hey, there is someone else here now. A tall man, unkempt and gangly-looking in a white shirt and blue jeans. He has thick black hair. He's missing an eye.
Either that or he's a pirate enthusiast.
Ross approaches him on his blind side, footsteps light, knife in hand.
The man seems troubled. He keeps staring back at the entrance to the church, as if he can see someone there. But the whole place is empty except for the two of them. They are alone.
Oh well. Stabbing a mentally ill person is practically a civil service. Ross raises his trusty knife, crowds quietly behind the man's back, and smiles to himself.
On a different day, everything would have been fine.
On a different day, L wouldn't be distracted. His normally-sharp senses would be normal and sharp. He would be paying attention to his surroundings, infinitely paranoid.
On a different day, when grabbed from behind, turned around, and thrown up against his own expensive car, L would have struck accurately. He'd have used his knowledge of the four different weak points in the human wrist joint, and his ability to precisely calculate and exploit the center of gravity for any opponent. His assailant would be lying unconscious on the filthy ground. On a different day, when he hasn't spent the past few weeks focused purely on Rae and cases, L wouldn't be out of practice.
And on a better day, even after the knife was rammed threateningly against his throat, L might have been able to talk his way out of the situation. He is rich, after all, and powerful. He is much more useful alive than dead. On a different day, he'd be able to do something other than stare at Rae, still fussing obliviously near the church door, and think this is it.
Don't turn around.
Just walk away.
He loves Rae, and this is how it ends.
Rae rolls its eyes. The key was supposed to be right here, in a visible location. Trust the king to throw in one final ridiculous test.
When Rae is king, it is never going to hang out with Shinigami ever again. They're all assholes. Except Rae, of course. Rae is perfect. Rae is getting everything it ever wanted. It kind of wants to announce its success to the world, to rub its victory in the face of its enemies, but it has learned to be a little quieter about its achievements.
After all, boasting didn't work out so well last time.
Where the hell is this key? Hasn't Rae suffered enough? Isn't it confusing enough to have a new-found, dissonant hatred of Kira pulsing through its entire body? Isn't it enough that it managed to totally dominate its ex-rival? Now it has to go looking for a fucking piece of metal in order to claim its rightful reward?
"Here," someone says sweetly, appearing beside Rae. "Sorry, the king forgot to leave this out for you. You know what he's like."
Rae scowls at the blonde, angel-shaped Shinigami.
"He shouldn't have-"
L cries out, suddenly, and Rae stops dead. It glances wildly at the parking lot. L is pressed up against his car, eye wide, expression terrified. Some…some fucking mugger has their knife to his throat.
NO DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE
Rae doesn't think. It just reacts, diving off the stoop. No fucking ordinary human is going to take everything away from the Shinigami crown prince. There will be hell to pay. Hell and brimstone and eternity and oh god L cannot ever die no.
The other Shinigami grabs Rae's arm.
"You can't do that," she says. "Your test is complete. You cannot interfere."
"Fuck you," Rae snarls.
"No, seriously," she bleats. "Look, your Shinigami powers should be restored by now. Look at L's lifeline."
Sure enough, the words Ross Greenpod spring up over the mugger's head, complete with a five year three day lifespan. And over L's head, L Lawliet, and…
…thirteen seconds.
"No!" Rae yells, abject denial.
It can fix this. It can stop this.
"Did you forget his lifespan? Surely you knew he would die today."
Rae had forgotten. Rae had seen it earlier, and then forgotten. Impossibly forgotten. Rae's head hurts. It doesn't care. It will take Ross Greenpod and tear him apart. A single bead of blood dribbles down L's throat.
"Sorry, matey," Ross tells him. "If it helps, this isn't personal."
Rae claws at the other Shinigami.
"GET THE FUCK OFF ME!"
"But there isn't anything you can do," she says calmly, and she must be evil. Only an evil person would be calm when L is going to die. "You aren't of substance in this world, and you'll be destroyed if you use your death note."
NO!
Rae takes out its notebook and stares at the pages.
No. Rae cannot die. Rae can never die. Rae has to live forever.
If Rae uses its notebook to save a life, it will disappear from all worlds. It will never be king. It will never be at all. Those are the rules.
Fuck the rules.
But she's right. There isn't anything else that can be done.
Rae refuses to accept this. Rae has never been able to accept the world for what it is.
"L can't die," Rae says, croakily. "He…please. He can't die."
The other Shinigami lays a hand on his shoulder. She has one blue eye and one green, and she looks surprisingly human. She must be fairly high-ranking.
"He is irrelevant now," she says, warmly. "You've done what you needed to do. This is his time. Let it go."
Let it go.
No. no, never.
Rae cannot die L cannot die this cannot be the choice L will go to hell they will never be together again L has to die.
We were partners.
"You hated him all along," the other Shinigami says. Rae thinks her name might be Jas, or something. "Come on. Here's the key. Let's go and claim your crown."
The timer over L's head counts down. Ten seconds left.
Rae closes the notebook. Then opens it again. Then closes it again, agonized.
Rae cannot die. Not even for someone like L. It is impossible, and improper. Rae has a job to do; the world needs it alive.
Eight seconds.
Seven.
Jas is kind of annoyed that her present charge is making such a big deal of this.
You are greedy and narcissistic. This shouldn't even be a stumbling block for you.
She grinds the sole of her shoe into the ground, and smiles winningly at Rae.
Fuck you. You shouldn't even be allowed to exist.
She has never met anyone so evil, and true evil, by definition, cannot change. Especially not like this. The time of the test is now.
L dies tonight, and that is sad, but the outcome of this moment is crucial for the survival of the entirety of humanity. And Jas would know. She is moderation, after all.
The boy. The boy Rae vaguely knows, vaguely recognises, vaguely cares about. Not L. Not ultimately, unwaveringly important. Just a boy.
Or was he important?
L isn't making any noise. He's not screaming or flailing or doing anything. Rae hates him for being so accepting of his fate.
The chair. Wooden and startling ordinary. A nothing-chair. Rae is sitting on it. Rae is the only bright thing in the room. Everything else is rendered in sepia, unimportant.
L and Rae. They are the only two important people in the world. Rae hates this moment, hates this entire universe. Rae wants to rip its skull apart. It wants to destroy the king and the queen and the Shinigami realm. It hates this position into which it has been placed. It loathes itself for being manipulated into this, as if all the roads had lead here all along.
The huge, unremarkable window. And outside it, greenery. Organised greenery, like a courtyard or a school grounds. And the sparkling, beautiful thing. Rae doesn't need to look at it. It is just there.
This isn't a choice. Nobody can make a choice like this.
The second chair, also wooden. The hand on Rae's shoulder. The boy in his chair, pleading and slightly frightened. Rae can never make out his face.
"Don't look."
But what is the point of becoming king just to save an empty world full of unimportant people? Is that what the dream is about? Because that is a shitty motto and Rae is going to live forever and fuck you. If Rae can't have L then nobody will.
Rae goes to look, and then realizes.
Rae can't disappear. It has already given up so much.
Rae finally, finally realizes.
The boy in the dream. He was important. Is important.
All anyone ever wants is to have no regrets. To be able to say that they'd do it all the same if they had a chance to do it over again.
How many people has Rae killed? At least one too many.
What has always been obvious all along.
Rae can never, ever atone for what it did.
It renounced Kira, and that means…
It has to go back. It has to go back for that sepia-boy. It has to save L.
Because Rae never should have looked.
That there was only ever one chair.
Rae wants to scream. It wants grieving and mobs protesting and flowers and glory and fame. It wants to leave an imprint so huge that the world never forgets, is never the same.
It is literally petrified of dying; of being permanently gone.
The counter over L's head ticks. Three seconds. In three seconds, everything will be over.
There was only one person in the room.
Rae scribbles Ross Greenpod's name under Mail's, its handwriting jagged and pained and desperate and lonely. It ends the sentence with the words 'right now'.
There are no second chances.
Greenpod keels over, and drops the knife. L blinks sleepily, confused, and Rae loathes him.
There are no second chances, but if there were…
"No!" says the other Shinigami, sounding panicked.
It is the last thing Rae hears before it is erased, screaming, from the world.
tbc
notes/warnings
+ if my calculations are correct - and they often aren't - next chapter will be the last substantiative chapter in this half of the story. following that, there will be an epilogue of sorts and then I will bounce over to the second half of the story (which will have a different title and URL but still be on this site). IT SOUNDS COMPLICATED BUT BEAR WITH ME PLEASE GUYS I AM TRYING TO MAKE THIS AS NOT-CRAP AS POSSIBLE.
+ the short version: just check where it says 'tbc' at the end of each chapter. when updates stop being posted to this url there will be a link to the new url.
+ thank you for reading and for being awesome. I love all of you.