Disclaimer: I still do not own Harry Potter.

Thanks so much again for the reviews! To my one reviewer, you're probably right that I do use "for" a lot. I don't really notice it, but I swear that if I do, I'll try not to use it so much. I'm glad it's not that big of a deal, though. If I make the same mistake again, please forgive me!

Chapter 44: Remembering Julia

Julia Fields and Remus Lupin had met in the 1977-1978 school year, or the Marauders' seventh year at Hogwarts. Julia had been a year younger than Remus, and in the Hufflepuff house. Remus always tried his best to not get close to people, because he knew only too well of the prejudice against werewolves. It had been difficult enough to let the Marauders in. By this time, James was dating Lily, and she knew about his condition too, and had also accepted him unconditionally. So Remus had let her in as well.

The other Marauders had told Remus that Julia was always looking at him, and James and Sirius begged him to give her a chance. Finally, he worked up the courage to talk to her, but he made a vow to himself that he would never tell her what he was. After all, his original plan was to never tell the Marauders; they had figured it out for themselves. Lily was a smart girl too, so she had figured it out even before she'd started dating James. But Remus hadn't found out she knew until she and James were an item.

Julia and Remus started to talk more and more, and he had found himself, against his will, growing closer and closer to her. They started dating in May, and in June, he invited her to his senior dance. James and Lily were going together, and Sirius was going with Lily's best friend, Mary McDonald. There was nothing going on between them; Sirius hadn't yet found the strength to move on after his emotional relationship with Adelina, which was completely understandable. Peter went with another of Lily's friends whose name was Marlene McKinnon, but they just went as friends as well.

Remus and Julia grew even more emotionally attached the night of the dance, and they kept up their relationship once Remus graduated from Hogwarts. Even though Julia still had a year to go, she made time to see Remus on Hogsmeade weekends. The Marauders had graduated in 1978, and Remus and Julia remained a steady couple until March 1980, when things went horribly wrong.

It all started on a chilly March day, the day of the full moon. On the nights of the full moon when Julia wanted to meet him, he always told her he was having a "boys' night out." This was always his excuse for those certain nights. The boys would come to his house and keep him company as Animagi, and Remus couldn't express how grateful he was for their love and friendship. James was by now married to Lily, and Sirius and Peter were still single.

On that March day, Remus had woken up with a sinking feeling in his gut. He didn't know how he'd known it, but he'd had a feeling that something was going to go wrong that day. Over the past little while, he'd seen Julia looking at him strangely whenever he mentioned his "boys' nights out." She had always seemed to accept this reason of why they couldn't meet on certain days, but there was a niggling feeling in the back of his mind which told him he wouldn't be able to keep it up much longer. The day after the full moon, he always looked a little beat up from the experience the night before. Even though James, Sirius, and Peter kept him from doing severe damage to himself, there were still times when the wolf got very angry and would cause him to wreak havoc. It would have been a lot worse if the Marauders weren't around, though.

Remus had got up in his little flat that he'd managed to buy at the end of his Hogwarts career. Unfortunately, his parents were now dead; they had been murdered by Voldemort, as had Julia's. He and his Death Eaters were extremely rampant then, killing many, many Muggles and wizards. The reign of terror was truly upon them. Remus and Julia had found tremendous comfort in each other through the tough times.

After he had shaved, showered, and eaten his breakfast, he heard a knock at the door. Julia had arranged to come to his flat to spend time with him.

FLASHBACK: March 1980

When Remus answered the door, he knew instantly that something wasn't right. Julia looked him up and down like she did every month around this time, noticing his exhaustion and the circles under his eyes. "Hey, love," he greeted her quietly. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," Julia answered in a monotone. "Listen, can we get together tonight instead? I have an appointment I have to go to this morning which I totally forgot about. I'm sorry to do this to you."

"I'm afraid I can't," Remus said apologetically. "The boys and I are doing our night out thing that we do every month. Would tomorrow be better?"

Julia walked into the flat, scowling. "Oh yeah," she said. "You and your friends, the Marauders. I have a few questions to ask you about your so-called friends, and you're going to answer them truthfully. Don't you dare even think about lying to me, Remus John Lupin."

Remus felt a terrible feeling grip his heart. What was Julia going to say? What was the matter with her this morning? He could tell from the look on her face that she'd hidden this from him for a long time.

The couple sat down on the couch in the living room. "What's wrong, love?" Remus asked with concern.

"What's wrong, love?" Julia mimicked, a disgusted look on her face. "Is that all you can say, Remus? You know very well what's wrong, and don't play pretend with me. I've caught on to what your friends do to you every month, and I don't understand why you let them keep doing it."

"Keep doing what?" asked Remus in surprise. He hadn't expected the conversation to go down this route. What did Julia think his friends did to him?

"Your little "boys' night out" adventures are not very innocent, are they?" asked Julia angrily. "Every single month, the day after your little adventures you look awfully beat up and exhausted, and the day of them, you almost look like you're dreading what's going to happen. When I see you afterwards, there are scratches all over your body, and you always give me some story about how you fell over. Well, you know what? Bullshit! Your friends hurt you, don't they? I always knew you four were up to something. Is it some kind of amusing game? What exactly do they do to you? Why don't you call the Aurors on them? Do they punch you? Hit you? Kick you? Are they drunk when they do it? Why do you forgive them each month?"

Remus looked at Julia, his mouth agape. She was completely wrong. He immediately knew what he had to do; he couldn't let her go on thinking this. His heart sank to the bottom of his chest as the terrible realization that he had to tell her the truth hit home. He couldn't let her think his friends were hurting him. After all that the Marauders had done for him, it was completely wrong to let her think this of them.

"Your friends were always bullies," Julia continued fiercely. "I still remember that day Potter and Black hung Severus Snape upside down. You're going to have to learn to stick up for yourself, Remus, and not let them walk all over you!"

"Listen," Remus pleaded, "my friends do not hurt me."

"Why should I believe you?" snapped Julia. "Why should I believe you when every single month you look like absolute shit after your little nights out?"

Remus's temper was always at its worst right before the full moon, and he felt it rise as each accusation against his friends spurted from Julia's mouth. "Listen to me, Julia," he snarled. "Do you want to know? Do you really want to know what happens to me every month? Because if you do, I'll tell you. I won't have you accusing my friends."

"What's your big secret then, Oh Submissive Lupin?" Julia mocked.

"I'm a bloody werewolf, that's what!" Remus cried out. "Are you happy now? I'm a werewolf!"

Julia's mouth gaped open in shock for a few moments. Her face went totally white, and her fists were clenched. "You're lying," she said quietly. "You're lying to me. How could you say something so horrible? How could you do this to me?"

"I'm not lying, Julia," Remus said softly. "I was bitten when I was five by Fenrir Greyback. I didn't think I'd be allowed to go to Hogwarts at all, but Professor Dumbledore was very understanding and he let me in. The Marauders know what I am, and they accepted me for it. I know that this is a huge blow to you, Julia, and I'm terribly sorry. I hope you can forgive me, and I know you probably won't want to be with me anymore after hearing this."

Remus looked at Julia's face again, and he could now tell that she knew he was telling the truth. Abruptly, she got up off the sofa, glaring at Remus with complete and utter hatred. The expression broke Remus's heart in two. "YOU ... YOU MONSTER!" she screamed, running as fast as she could to the front door. "HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME THAT YOU ARE A WEREWOLF? WEREWOLVES HURT AND KILL PEOPLE! YOU ... YOU SUPPORT YOU-KNOW-WHO, DON'T YOU? YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER MONSTER! WE'RE THROUGH, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" With that, she slammed the door.

Remus put his head in his hands, tears beginning to fall down his face. But why should he be surprised? Nearly everyone reacted this way to werewolves. Why should Julia be any different? Even after all the time they had spent together, she was still prejudiced. The Marauders and Lily were exceptions to the rule, they were people Remus didn't think he'd meet in a lifetime. As well as the anger on Julia's face, he'd seen the abject terror there, and it had ripped him apart.

xxx

That evening, James, Sirius, and Peter walked into the basement of his flat, and they immediately knew that something had happened to Remus. James gently asked what the problem was, with Sirius threatening to hurt the person who had made him so upset.

"Julia," Remus choked out. "She found out."

"Found out what? Do you mean, about your lycanthropy?" Peter asked.

Remus nodded miserably. "I had to tell her, she was accusing you guys of hurting me every month," he sighed. "She noticed how beat up I looked after our little adventures."

"I take it she didn't react well?" James asked softly.

"She never wants to see me again," Remus said sadly.

"That little ..." Sirius started, his hands balling into fists. "That ... that bitch!"

"Sirius, please don't call her that," Remus begged. "You can't expect her to understand. Nearly everyone in the wizarding world hates werewolves, you can't expect her to know any better."

"Gods, I'm so sorry, Remy," said James, going over to his distraught friend and putting his arms around him. The lycanthrope's eyes filled with tears and before he could stop it, he was sobbing in James's arms. His cries of sorrow soon changed to cries of pain, though, and he rasped out, "Change! Transform, please!" as his body went rigid.

James immediately obeyed, as did Sirius and Peter. The wolf was very angry and upset that night, and it was the longest night the three had ever spent as Animagi.

xxx

The first thing Remus noticed when he opened his eyes was that his body hurt all over. James, Peter, and Sirius must have made sure he got into his bed after he'd transformed back into a human. After a few minutes of laying in his bed, he stretched his sore and stiff muscles and slowly got up. He removed some potions from his drawer that helped him with pain relief, and gratefully gulped them down.

All he wanted to do was sleep some more, but he'd been recommended by the Healers at St. Mungo's to get up and move around after his post-transformation sleep. It would only make things worse if he stayed in bed all day.

Feeling exhausted but wanting to let the other Marauders know that he was all right, he quietly walked to the living room. The crushing weight of what Julia had said to him was still on his heart, and it was making him feel extremely depressed. But wasn't this what his life was about? No woman would accept him, and he'd just have to deal with it. Why should he be upset? After all, he had the Marauders and Lily.

He was just about to go into the living room when his sensitive ears picked up a whispered conversation that the three Marauders were having. His sense of hearing was especially sharp because of his lycanthropy; he could hear things other people could not.

"Wormtail, we have to tell him," James was saying urgently. "But we have to break it to him gently. I can't believe this happened. It's the most terrible thing."

"But it'll break him, Prongs," Peter insisted. "Maybe it'll be best if he doesn't know at all."

"It'll blow up in our faces if we say nothing, he'll find out some other way," whispered Sirius. "And we've got to convince him it wasn't him who did it. After all, the three of us were with him all night in our Animagus forms and he didn't cause harm to anyone."

"We have to put this paper away so he doesn't see it before we tell him," said James. "I'm still horrified that this happened. If anything will put Remus into a depression, this will."

"Accio paper."

Remus walked into the room, and his voice spoke the command loudly as he pointed his wand at the paper, and James, Sirius, and Peter ran over, trying to snatch it from him. But their friend's enormous werewolf strength allowed him to hold on to the paper with all his might, and none of them were able to take it from his hands.

Numbness and horror swept over Remus as he gazed at the headline. No, no, no, he thought, his entire body feeling like ice. This can't be happening. This has to be some kind of sick joke. There's no way that fate can do this. This is just too much.

For on the paper was written:

GIRL KILLED BY WEREWOLF

This morning in Hogsmeade, a girl's body was found. After much investigation, the body is said to be that of 18-year-old Julia Fields. She was barely able to be recognized, for she had been savagely mauled by a vicious werewolf. ...

Remus couldn't read anymore. The paper limply dropped from his hands and fell onto the carpet. James, Sirius, and Peter stood, transfixed, as Remus's entire face went white, and he muttered one word, one, single word.

"No."

And he fell to the floor, his entire world going black.

END FLASHBACK

And that, Remus reflected as he came out of the memory, was why he could never, ever get himself involved with a woman again. He'd refused to go to Julia's funeral, and he'd admit now that he was a complete coward. But he knew that if now was the time of her death, he'd do the same thing again; he couldn't go to the funeral of a girl who had been brutally savaged by the same monster he turned into every month. He also wondered agonizingly what Julia had thought in her last moments of life. Had she thought, as the werewolf pounced on her, that it was Remus, coming to reap his revenge upon her for leaving him? Had she screamed his name before she was mauled to death? The questions tore at him constantly, and he'd gone into a gigantic depression after the tragedy happened. The Marauders and Lily were there for him, but no one was able to understand the tremendous pain and guilt that crashed down upon him.

For many months after her death he was subjected to horrific nightmares of a huge, hairy wolf snapping and snarling at Julia, munching her until she was nothing but a mass of blood and bone. Then her voice would echo on the air, screaming, "YOU KILLED ME ... YOU MONSTER ... YOU KILLED ME ... YOU MONSTER ... YOU MONSTER ... YOU MONSTER ... YOU MONSTER ..." He'd awaken, sweating and shaking, tears dripping down his face unchecked.

When Harry had come back from the graveyard and shown Remus his memories, he'd seen James come out of the wand and tell him that Julia said she was sorry. It made Remus tear up again, for wherever she was, did she really mean it? Did she still think about him? Was she truly sorry for hating him because of what he was? He knew that until the day he died, he'd never get over the horrible circumstances which had led to her death. He knew that it wasn't him who had killed her, for he knew the Marauders hadn't lied to him. But it still didn't stop him from feeling awful about the whole ordeal.

As he drifted to sleep that night, her face was still on his mind, and he couldn't imagine hurting a young woman like Nymphadora Tonks by letting her know what he was. Tonks deserved a full and happy life, a life which didn't involve a fierce, bloodthirsty werewolf messing it up. I'm sorry too, Julia, he thought as his eyes closed. I'm sorry I ever got close to you. I'm sorry that you had to think I'd hurt you, even for a second. I'm sorry your life ended the way it did; you didn't deserve it. I'm terribly, terribly sorry.

And her beautiful eyes continued to haunt him as he succumbed to the blissful pull of sleep, and he knew he'd never, ever forget her.