So, J, when I realised I wasn't even struggling to come up with chaos for this I remembered what you said about The Daily Grind suddenly making a lot more sense when you think about the crazy stuff that happens to me anyway. Which, if you think about it, is really worrying when you read this. Consider this peace gift because I don't know when the next bit will be done, things are kind of chaotic in RL and uni is taking over everything right now.
PART II
i.
"Coop?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you plan on stealing this car even before the bar burned down and our tyres got slashed?"
"Well, for one, we aren't technically stealing it. The bartender knows we have it and he had the keys which he gave to me. Possession is nine tenths of the law, remember? And two, alright, so maybe I thought that switching cars was a good idea. No one thinks that FBI agents are going to be stalking them in a ride this smooth."
"No judgement, man, I'm just glad you don't have a rookie with you. Do you have any idea how easily transferable your kleptomania is? I had to train myself out of stealing pens and gum and blackboard erasers when I got to New Mexico."
"You know, I think I'm getting old because the fact that is one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me is making some alarm bells ring."
"Either that or Bart just kicked a puppy and it's our fault again."
"You're right, those feelings are scarily similar."
ii.
"So, you may want to build a statue of me and start worshipping." Ana's voice practically oozes smugness.
Colby looks up with narrowed eyes and Liz raises an eyebrow. "Why would we do that?" Nikki asks, sounding confused. David is just confused.
"Because," Ana says, chest swelling with pride, and Colby looks because he really is just a man, "I just convinced the Starbucks down the road to start making deliveries to us."
Liz blinks and Nikki's mouth starts watering a little. Colby may or may not be having some trouble tearing his eyes away from Ana's chest and not actually have heard the words properly.
Tommy pops up in the preternaturally creepy way he seems to have mastered over the last couple of days and looks at her in awe. "You did what? How?"
"I unbuttoned my shirt before I went in and then when he started talking to me I thought about really sad things and when I started crying I told him about Don dying in a horrific fire and how none of us can even look at the coffeemaker anymore. He pretty much offered to deliver to us whenever we want. I didn't even have to promise him a date!"
David's gaze is turning awestruck too. Liz looks around before leaning in close and whispering "If Don was dead, he would totally approve of this. Let your conscience stay wherever it's gone, okay?"
Ana beams and nods.
Colby shakes his head and the fog clears a little. "Wait a second, all I heard was Starbucks and crying and something about buttons. What happened?"
Tommy contemplates arranging a group visit to a psychologist because he thinks that even just pretending that Don's dead is having some unexpected side effects.
iii.
"We don't do deliveries, Michael!"
"I know we don't usually but Jesus, have a bit of a heart will you? Their boss was the one who always made their coffee in the office and he just died in a horrific fire trying to protect the public from that Trent Jacobs guy who's been all over the news. This poor woman burst into tears in the middle of the shop!"
"Fine, but they better tip you well because I'm not giving you a fuel allowance and you're not delivering in peak times."
"Where's your patriotism and sympathy, Rich? These people put their lives on the line for us every single day."
"Patriotism won't pay the bills in this economy. You also need to fix the microwave."
iv.
"You coordinate with the tac team and I'll call Bart to fill him in," Billy says and he glances around in a casual kind of way that makes Don instantly suspicious.
"Coop, you work up this way all the time. Surely you know them better than I do and can coordinate."
"Well, this trap is more complicated than I usually deal with," Billy says defensively. A furrow appears in his forehead and Don sighs.
"Fine," Billy mutters darkly, glaring at him. "I may have accidentally slept with one of their girlfriends. She wasn't exactly forthcoming about the fact that she was attached and I only found out when I was coordinating with them and he put his gun to my pants and told me to keep it in there."
Don tips his head back and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I honestly can't escape it, can I?"
"Don't you try and get all high and mighty on me now," Billy says, slouching against the door. "I haven't forgotten that time in Kansas and I doubt that bar full of people have either."
"I need new friends," Don says to himself as he pushes through the door and almost runs down the hallway. "New friends and a new job and a new name and maybe a new pack of gum."
v.
Trent Jacobs is feeling pretty pleased with himself. He managed to incinerate those stupid FBI agents and has the whole country in even more of an uproar than before and they're still no closer to catching him than they were before.
Just let them try and send more after him, he figures. He's already disposed of two and from what he hears they were the best the Bureau had. He laughs. Regardless of what his friend's source says, they were pitiful and the fact that they'll be baying for his blood once they're done grieving is kind of exciting.
vi.
A case falls onto their desks two days after Don's alleged death.
Feeling remarkably secure in the ruse after a very long, very convoluted phone call with Megan who had been completely convinced that Don was actually dead until receiving an unusually specific and detailed confirmation from him, David makes a big deal of taking charge and Tommy bravely offers his assistance and his team. Ana and Colby are even more attached at the hip than usual and Liz has taken to just staring down any man in the office that dares to speak to her.
"You think she wants anything to do with you?" Ana or Nikki say to the unfortunate souls after the moment has passed. "Take a number."
Sometimes Junior Joe adds his two cents because everyone can see that he's keen on Liz but he thinks he's sly. Also, he really thinks Don is dead and feels kind of bad for his 7/11 induced hysteria. This is all on top of the fact his girlfriend dumped him for not rescuing her himself.
"Have some respect, man. She's still mourning Eppes."
After one such incident, they're sitting in the war room and Nikki raises an eyebrow at her teammate. "You know, it's actually kinda cute how defensive of you he's being."
"Maybe I'll let him take me to dinner when this whole thing blows over," Liz muses, sipping at her coffee.
"I've come to realise that we're all really bad people," David says calmly. "I've also come to realise that I am strangely okay with that."
vii.
Their trap fails miserably, mostly because a woman gets a little frisky with Billy and dislodges the blonde wig and, just before Don readies himself to call for the tac team, another woman, who makes a wide eyed expression of panic appear on Billy's face, attaches herself to his front and Don thinks that it is probably better to abort.
He knows exactly what everyone in the bar, including their prey, is thinking as he drags Billy into the bathrooms and he is going to kick Jacobs' ass so hard when they finally get the bastard.
viii.
"What the hell is going on?" Bart barks into the phone. "This is dragging on way too long and eventually people are going to begin to think that it doesn't matter how tragically we lost you, we better get back to doing our jobs."
"You don't think we feel the same?" Billy retorts waspishly. "I have my mother texting me how much she loves me multiple times a day because even faking my death is a little much for her. My mother does not text."
"Well, that isn't my-"
"Yes, Bart," Don interrupts. "No, it isn't your fault because, yes, it was Billy's stupid idea, as were the wigs and the stolen car but you are the one that sent us after a raging idiot with the IQ and common sense of my brother. Therefore it is your fault that stupid shit keeps happening."
"Look, you think I wanted to pair you up again?" Bart says after a moment. "Well, newsflash, the rest of the FR division might have wanted to throw a party because you two have a glowing and slightly undeserved but mostly warranted reputation as an unstoppable team but I was actually reluctant because, discounting the criminals and all, the country was actually a much safer place with you two on opposite coasts."
The thoughtful silence only lasts a minute before Billy snickers. "That's kind of a good point. Do you remember that grain silo and the chickens?"
Don can't hold back a laugh as much as he might want to. "We're definitely going to hell. Let's take Jacobs with us."
When Bart finishes with them he lets his head fall into his hands. Those two are probably going to be the death of him. He laughs though, because he remembers extracting them and their fugitive from that incident and it doesn't matter what happens, ever, there will never be something as funny as picking up three grown men, one handcuffed, covered in peck wounds, mud and chicken feathers in a helicopter.
Eppes still has the scar on his face and the thought sends him into uncontrollable chuckles all over again. That poor pilot.
ix.
"We just think you're really brave, Professor Eppes," one girl says tearfully. "I mean, after everything you've been through in the last few days the fact that you're still here and teaching the class so well even though we can all see how much you miss your brother… it-it just means a lot to us that you value our educations so much."
Charlie blinks and Amita expertly covers her snort of laughter with a theatrical sob.
The girls turn to her with expressions of anguished sympathy on their faces. Charlie raises his eyebrow and for a moment he thinks he sees a glint of mischief in her eyes but it's gone the next second as a tear rolls down her cheek.
"I-I'm sorry," she hiccups and Charlie goes rigid with alarm. "It just hits me sometimes tha-that he won't be in the back of the classroom waiting for our help on a case."
The girls' eyes widen and become even shinier with unshed tears. Charlie didn't think that was possible.
He runs and thinks to himself that Don is actually never going to be able to come back to CalSci unless he has a sex change and a lot of plastic surgery.
x.
Luckily, the case seems to be a fairly simple one. Open and shut murder and the culprit is possibly the stupidest criminal around because they have oodles of identifying evidence and only have to actually track him down now.
Ana and Colby are remarkably grateful for this because they were in the middle of a Friends marathon when they got assigned the case and neither of them particularly like leaving a disc unfinished.
xi.
"Alright, so we know his type," Billy says, tapping his pencil absently against the steering wheel. "Tall, leggy, dark hair and a bit on the skinny side."
"Should we pull an agent from the locals?" Don shifts and pulls out a rather absurdly long straw from the narrow gap between the seat he's sitting on and the car door. "What the… that is the biggest straw I've ever seen."
Billy looks mesmerized.
Don blinks after a long moment of silent staring. "Do you think ADHD has a midlife onset mutation?"
xii.
After they close their case, Tommy loudly asks for a moments' silence in honour of Billy and Don.
Afterwards, when the office has stopped sharing memories and several women have stopped crying, he and David share a worried look that asks them both whether they've crossed the line.
Unfortunately, for their morals anyway, the AD calls them into his office and congratulates them on such a believable act so far.
"We're confident that the leak has been fed the right information and your department is doing such a realistic job at grieving that it has spread country-wide and the chances of Jacobs' source finding out the truth are minimal."
Later, when they're sitting in a conference room while the others are out being falsely productive, Tommy turns to David. "You know, if we were actually completely convinced that the brass aren't lying to us this whole thing would be a lot harder. I actually think I kind of do think they are dead."
"We haven't heard from them since before they told us about the whole idea," David says and he sounds thoroughly suspicious. "Wright has us lying to everyone else. What's to say they wouldn't lie to us and actually be telling the truth to everyone else?"
Tommy thinks that they may be thinking themselves in some kind of destructive circle but the possibility is too real to ignore. After he calls out for Ana and Colby he thinks that he probably should have chosen Liz and Nikki instead so he calls for them too.
He really should have known better.
xiii.
"This is actually getting beyond ridiculous and crossing into absurd," Billy says to Don as they make sure the leggy brunette is rigged with a mic and emergency gun. "None of our other hunts have ever gotten this out of hand. Why haven't we just shot him yet? We know he's guilty."
"There is obviously something out there pulling the strings and laughing at us," Don says. "And we haven't gotten close enough for him to shoot at us, just kind of try to set us on fire, so I think we're in a moral dilemma. Don't quote me on that though." He offers the woman a light jacket. "It's a bit chilly. Any questions?"
"No thanks, love," she says cheerfully. "Mama always said that if you got it, you oughta flaunt it. I got this but I'll see your handsome self on the dance floor, mm?"
xv.
"First things first," David says seriously. "Not a word of this to Alan or Charlie or even Amita. Promise me that now or I'm sending you to Hale's team and you can deal with Junior Joe."
Everyone in the room hastily promises their silence. Even Tommy, who is technically David's superior but everything is all up in the air right now because David is Don's relief supervisor but neither are actually sure whether that means he's in charge of the entire division or just the team.
Tommy's actually pretty sure it means that David would be in charge of the whole division if they're right but he's a little worried of what the sudden rush of authority would do to the other man and frankly, right now they have more than enough to worry about.
His mind is drawing some unsettling parallels to Lord of the Flies and he resolves to keep a weather eye on the balance of power until they figure this mess out.
xvi.
Bart calls Alan on the eleventh evening of the whole debacle. Alan sounds unusually pleased to hear from him.
"How are Donnie and Billy going?"
Instantly suspicious, Bart straightens in his chair and completely disregards the fact that Alan can't actually see him. "Quite well, actually. I spoke to them last night, they're planning something for tonight. I can't share details, you understand, was just calling to let you know that while things may not be going to plan they're considerably better now and thank you for your cooperation with our little ruse."
"Oh, of course," Alan says cheerfully. "I appreciate the call, it's nice to know how they're doing." He chuckles. "I bet they're having a grand old time reliving their glory days."
"Yes, well," Bart sputters and he isn't entirely sure why. "I've got to go, Mr. Eppes, lots to do. I hope you have a pleasant evening."
"You too, Bart, was lovely to hear from you!"
Bart stares at the phone with wide eyes for a good few moments after it has been hung up.
Alan Eppes has gone insane, there is no other explanation. Until he starts thinking about it, upon which several become clear. For some reason, the one his mind picks to cling to most firmly involves a benevolent race of aliens who communicate with humanity under the alias of penpals.
He is stuck by a sudden desire for a penpal. "It really would be nice to have someone to talk to who isn't insane," he says aloud.
His assistant pokes her head in his open door and rolls her eyes at him. "You do realise you've been talking to yourself about alien penpals, right?"
He doesn't dignify that with a response. He closes his door and sulks for a little while instead before deciding that he rather fancies meatballs for dinner.
xvii.
"What the hell was that yesterday?" Charlie asks when Amita walks through the door to his office the next morning.
Amita shrugs. "I took a couple of acting electives. I got a standing ovation for my fake crying."
Charlie thinks that he might really cry because he isn't sure how much more of this weirdness he can handle.
xviii.
Things go to hell remarkably quickly when Don considers how well the evening started.
They're in some ritzy dance place that doubles as a gentleman's club, blending in seamlessly if you ask Billy although Don's pretty sure the only one who doesn't know they aren't regulars is Jacobs, who sticks out even worse than the five goons he seems to have acquired.
Actually, he amends, throwing himself over a scantily clad woman who is screaming about the serial killer holed up behind the bar as bullets ricochet conveniently off a pole situated nearby, they do blend in well when you think about the people they're chasing. Thankfully, the bullets miss both Don and the possible stripper.
Billy is shouting and waving his gun threateningly and people are fleeing out the doors and Don has no idea where their backup agent in the skimpy dress has gone but they're both very aware of the goons and Jacobs, who are firing rounds rather indiscriminately around.
A second woman who may also be a stripper is crumpled on the ground, looking dazed and confused but Don's pretty sure she hasn't been shot because he saw yet another woman throw a glass bottle at her head what may have been a few minutes ago.
The stripper under him scrambles away to safety and he hauls himself to his feet and manages to avoid getting shot on his way to Billy.
"I am way too old for this," he mutters, firing a shot at a bottle of Jack Daniels simply because the fact it shares a syllable with Trent Jacobs makes him irrationally angry.
And not a shred of sanity was left.