In which any façade of plausibility and sense dissipates and things are prolonged for no purpose other than amusement. The media are still stupid, Billy's mother gets even better at texting, Don's phone is still incinerated, Ana and Colby discover a conspiracy that doesn't actually exist and everything still makes no sense. Mostly because, as per usual with these guys, I have absolutely no control over what happens once they get on a roll. Much love to the illustrious J, who is recieving all these chapters before they're posted and does a wonderful job of convincing me that I haven't actually lost my mind.

PART III

i.

"And the hunt for Trent Jacobs continues, Matilda! After the tragic death of two FBI agents, this train has really gathered some steam. Our source reports that they've doubled local police patrols in New York and surrounding states and are forming a taskforce consisting of the best of the best."

"Things really are ramping up, James, and we can't emphasise enough how important it is to help bring this man to justice. We urge you to call into the tip line with any sightings or information you might have that could help this taskforce."

"I wish they'd stop with this tragic death bullshit," Billy says, voice sharp with irritation. "Ma's texting skills are improving and that is not a good thing."

"You think you've got it bad," Don mutters. "When this is over I have to go back to an office where everyone thinks I'm dead and the ones that don't are both pretending they think I am and absolutely insane. Is it bad that I kind of wish we actually were in that fire?"

"I have no idea," Billy says after a moment. "I'm just really confused about why this collar keeps slipping us. Normally we would have had him in the first three days but everything just keeps going wrong."

"I know, right? It feels like someone is just messing with us for their own amusement," Don agrees. "Do you think we're ever going to get Jacobs? I mean, at this point it feels like he's going to end up making it to Mexico and we're probably going to end up getting eaten by coyotes or mountain lions or some kind of other vicious animal that isn't even supposed to live in the States."

Billy's phone vibrates loudly and after a moment he shoves it at Don with a blank expression.

Good morning son just wanted you to know that your father and I love you and hope you are being careful. Love, your mother. PS we were told to be very careful not to use names in case this is intercepted. Your sisters also say hello.

Don suddenly feels much better about things. His phone has been incinerated, after all.

ii.

Trent wonders just how long it's going to take the government to send the real big guns after him. The prospect of a challenge is rather thrilling and he's managed to coerce a good dozen thugs for hire into helping him draw less attention.

He spends a good hour that night wondering where they should go next and, after some deliberation involving a Sharpie and blindly dropping it point first onto a map, decides that Denver is as good a place as any.

The first dozen times it had landed off to the side, in the ocean, or missed the table entirely. Then there had been a couple of places that he didn't really like, but he thinks he might like Denver according to the city's Wikipedia page.

His thugs are going to think he's a genius.

iii.

Ana and Colby are having a very serious discussion in the war room.

"Look, I know that it's probably some kind of treason to think that the brass are lying to us," Ana says quietly. "But the facts are the facts. We haven't heard from them since a couple days before that fire, it's very convenient that Don's phone was incinerated seeing as none of us are friends with Cooper and really, should it have taken this long for them to catch one stupid fugitive? They're the best at this stuff."

"They're all really good points," Colby admits and he frowns. "But why wouldn't they have just told us they were dead like they told everyone else?"

"Because," she looks around quickly but everyone is doing a very good job at pretending to not be watching them so she turns back to him and continues, "we know Don well enough to know that there's no way he'd be stupid enough to fall for anything this guy tries to pull on them and there has to be more to the story. Something they don't want anyone else to know so they have to keep us occupied until they figure out how to cover it up."

"It does seem a really stupid way - wait a minute!" Colby straightens suddenly. "They never even told us what exactly happened to them!" He pales. "I think you're right. What do we do if they really are dead? That means there's a massive conspiracy going on and we're the only ones who know."

"We have to get to the bottom of it," Ana says staunchly. "For Don. He'd do the same for us if we died so suspiciously."

"He would," Colby says and he takes a deep breath. "Okay. We have to talk to the others and tell them that we don't think they're crazy anymore. We're also going to have to figure out a way to communicate that they can't trace. No emails, no phone calls, no text messages. They have eyes everywhere and if they really did get rid of Don and Cooper then we could be next if they think we're onto them."

"Do we tell Alan and Charlie?" Ana asks, a sombre expression settling on her face. "I know Sinclair and Tommy said to keep them in the dark until we figure it out but I feel horrible letting them go on thinking that he's alive when that's seeming less and less likely."

"No, we aren't going to tell them." Colby waves, very slyly, to David and Tommy and crooks his finger to beckon them into the room. "We'll leave them in the dark as long as possible. That way if we're wrong, no one needs to know, and if we're right, well, at least we'll have someone we can leave a letter to so that they know there's corruption afoot. Charlie can do some freaky math thing to prove it and then at least none of us will have died in vain."

iv.

Charlie is seriously wondering what on earth is wrong with college students, especially the ones in his classes. He's beginning to wish that none of them were quite so clever because if that had happened then Alicia Worthington wouldn't have remembered overhearing his discussion with Larry about the pursuit-evasion formula he'd tried to explain to Don before he left to start chasing Trent Jacobs when she saw the broadcast that had almost given his father a heart attack.

It had taken almost every persuasive skill in his arsenal to convince his students not to go running to the media with all the wild tales that not even he is sure are actually real because the media hasn't been informed of the agents' real identities.

When he thought of the best way to do so, he discovered that their enthusiasm for keeping a secret when told that it is important to national security was startling and rather alarming. He'd only had to hand out three doctored grades to ensure complete silence when not in his classroom. Which naturally means that they save up all the sobbing and hysterics and reminiscing for during classes.

When Larry asks him how things are going at home he holds up a hand. "Do not even get me started on the many ways my father has lost his mind."

v.

"How about we blow up his car when they stop for fuel?" Don suggests.

Billy scowls. "Bart told me I lost my munitions privileges."

After a moment of silence, their eyes meet and a slow grin spreads over both their faces as they realise the same thing simultaneously.

"He didn't take my munitions privileges."

Don doesn't think he's ever been less bothered by the fact that their creepy mindlink never seems to go away.

vi.

If Tommy were thinking rationally at all he might wonder how it was that Ana and Colby managed to convince him, rather easily, that there was a conspiracy going on wherein their superiors had either messed up really badly and accidentally killed two of their best agents or deliberately disposed of them and were now in the process of initiating a coverup.

Incidentally, there was nothing rational about his thinking so he didn't wonder or even question it because the validation of the worries that he and David had first aired was very reassuring. It shouldn't have been, considering the fact that it was being validated by Ana and Colby, which David points out.

"Beggars can't be choosers, kiddo," he says heavily. "And right now we are definitely beggars."

"They were good agents," David says and he looks weary. "A little unorthodox and maybe they didn't always follow orders but both of them were loyal to a fault. They loved this country and they loved their jobs. They didn't deserve this."

"All true," Tommy agrees. "But someone wanted them silenced. Permanently. We owe it to them to figure it out and try not to get ourselves killed in the process."

With a nod, David looks out at the bullpen. Both men are filled with a sudden sense of foreboding.

"And so it begins."

vii.

They stop in Dayton and tell Bart that Jacobs and his goon squad have hooked up with a local gang and they're conducting surveillance but really it's because Billy's contact can meet them there and they really, really really, really want to get their hands on the C4 that, if anyone asks, only Don is responsible for.

Naturally, they end up losing their quarry in the five minutes it takes to conduct the transaction. They don't tell Bart that and instead, on a hunch or maybe a little wishful thinking, decide to go west towards Terre Haute.

Billy pretends to not be surprised at all when they somehow end up back on Jacobs' tail and Don narrows his eyes a little because it seems just like something Jacobs would do, going through the place that he thinks they're going to send him for ostensibly killing two federal agents.

Kind of like an arrogant taunt and he has to admire the man's gall. At the same time he very much wants to punch him in the face.

viii.

Ana, Liz and Nikki convince David to let them have a couple of days off to investigate the conspiracy. The first evening is spent doing basically anything but.

Their first stop is the liquor store where the gangly, stammering youth manning the counter cops the full brunt of their womanly charm. Liz manages to score them a hefty discount on enough alcohol that all three of them have to carry it back to the car.

They order pizza when they get back to Ana's, where they proceed to conduct a very thorough sweep for surveillance bugs. When they're positive that the apartment is unmonitored, they burst into tears simultaneously.

Liz, in her role as the eldest of the trio, is the one who pulls herself together when the door buzzes and the pizza arrives. She answers the door with tears still streaming down her face and the teenager holding their dinner is caught completely off guard.

"U-uh, hi? I… I brought your-your pizza," he stammers.

"Tha-thanks," she hiccups, handing him a fifty. "Keep the ch-change." The door shuts in his still surprised face.

"It's criminal to still look that good and be crying," he mutters after a few moments of stunned blinking at the closed door.

Inside, Liz has put the pizza on the counter and is sobbing quietly while she pours three glasses of whiskey and carries them into the living room on top of the pizza boxes.

Four hours later the pizza is gone, as is the bottle of whiskey and a good portion of the wine, and, although they've stopped sobbing, the quality of the conversation hasn't improved much.

"W-we see horrible things every day," Ana says, the wineglass in her hand tilting dangerously as she gestures expansively. "All because they convinced us our job is so-so… so noble!"

"I've seen shit here that would make LAPD guys bawl like a bunch of babies," Nikki agrees and her voice is slightly slurred. "An' you know who always listened? Don!"

"He made such good coffee," Ana says mournfully, clinking their glasses together. "I can't understand why they would have wanted him dead."

"Because," Liz's voice wobbles here and she swallows half the wine left in her glass. "Because they were threatened by him when he found out they were corrupt! He would have just looked at them and done that thing with his eyes where they go all smouldery and his voice goes all threatening and then their wives would have wanted to tear his clothes off and they would have told someone to kill him because he wouldn't take their bribes."

Nikki blinks and drains the rest of her glass.

"That makes so much more sense than what Granger and I came up with," Ana breathes.

ix.

"Okay, so I'm in charge of the distraction?"

"Yes, Coop, because I'm the only one with munitions privileges. You have to do the distraction."

"Oh, yeah. So I do the distraction and you rig their car and then give me the signal, we hide, the car explodes and we grab Jacobs, right?"

"Yes, that's the plan."

"Good, I think I've got it. Do you think making out with the barmaid will be enough of a distraction?"

"I don't know but I'm sure you're going to do it anyway."

x.

Bart has a horrible feeling that things are going to go very wrong.

Billy isn't answering his phone, Don doesn't have one and he's just received a really strange text message from a number that he doesn't know and just comes up as an unregistered prepaid SIM.

We know what you're doing and you aren't going to get away with it.

He's suddenly very glad that he'd made sure to reiterate that Billy wasn't allowed near explosives of any kind on this case.

xi.

"He's having some trouble adjusting," Amita says quietly. She'd spent all morning practicing her mournful expressions and reminding herself to thank Don for giving her such an opportunity to practice her acting skills. "They'd gotten so close over these last few years and Charlie really got to see just how good at his job Don was. I think it made him think that he didn't have to worry about this happening, that Don was kind of invincible. It makes this so much harder."

xii.

Don sprints across the darkened carpark towards the ugly, khaki coloured 4WD and briefly, perhaps a little hysterically, hopes that the hastily rigged bomb in his arms doesn't go off early.

They'd dyed Billy's hair and eyebrows brown earlier in the day and he was in the bar, presumably making out with the barmaid. Don can hear faint whoops and catcalls but rationalises that they could just be watching a game as he ducks behind the vehicle and wriggles his way under. The timer is set for another five minutes so he attaches it to a random pipe and gets the hell out of there.

Brushing himself off, he saunters into the bar with a nod to the bouncer who is, naturally, an undercover agent that they'd called in. Billy is, unsurprisingly, making out with the barmaid.

Jacobs looks rather put out and Don realises that maybe, just maybe they didn't really think this through.

xiii.

"And tonight on Springfield news, a local tavern has erupted in a gunfight. Sources say that it was instigated by an unidentified man who seemed to take a liking to one of the ladies working the bar who, incidentally, rather liked another fellow. Several people drew arms and there was an as of yet unexplained explosion in the parking lot where several vehicles were destroyed."

"Never a dull moment here in Springfield, Mark! Three vehicles were caught on a cell phone camera fleeing the scene and authorities ask for your assistance in identifying them or their drivers who are wanted for questioning. The pictures can be found on our website as well if viewers think they need a closer look!"

xv.

"Goddammit!"

Bart throws his paperweight at the door and takes his phone off the hook, slumping in his seat.

"Alison, I need a whiskey!"

xvi.

"Coop."

"Yeah?"

"That is the last time you are ever making out with a woman as a distraction."

"Good call. Is your arm okay?"

"It'll be fine but my shirt is a write off. How's your leg?"

"Just grazed. Can I borrow some clean boxers when we stop though?"

"I am going to put my fist through Jacobs' face when we bring him in, I swear to God."

"I'm not arguing. I'll hold the icepack for you afterwards if you lend me a pair of boxers."

"Take whatever. I really don't care anymore."

And somehow, it only gets worse for everyone except Amita and the barmaid who got to make out with Coop.