To the Guest who pointed out that the Minister of Defence is English – yes, you are right. I'm presuming that Alison figured that talking to international officials would probably sound much more important, not to mention Britain would have escaped fugitives too, and therefore make Bart sound more competent than he actually is. She is the best kind of assistant. In the face of such anarchy the governments need to stand united. Also, considering the rest of the story, that is probably one of the least absurd things that has happened in the last four chapters. Also, notsing, Bart definitely has no idea how to handle Billy and Don, even after all these years. He kind of is a dweeb. At least he is in my head anyway. I imagine him as a cross between Drew Carey and Danny DeVito, actually, as terrifying a mix as that sounds and on that note, here is the extra-long last bit of insanity in this little arc.
EPILOGUE
i.
"Bart!"
"Oh good god, please don't tell me that pernicious bastard actually flew out like he was threatening. I'm not actually here."
"You might want to turn the television on instead of glaring at it. I'll call him and tell him everything is under control."
"What are you talking about? Wait a minute- oh. I was so prepared for this to be another horrible disaster. Did they really catch him?"
"Apparently so. Calling Edgerton in was a smart move. Don seems to be missing though. Why do you think Billy put his jacket over Jacobs' head? He isn't usually so considerate."
"Oh shit. I didn't really want Edgerton to shoot them! If he had to shoot one why couldn't it have been Cooper? Wright is going to have me fired for this."
"I keep telling you to be careful what you say to them. You know how they are… always so literal."
"Alison?"
"Yes, Bart?"
"Kindly shut the hell up unless you're going to do your job and have a way to get me out of the country cheaply, quickly and quietly."
"Stop being an asshole. This is all your own fault anyway. My job is to keep your work life in order and I think it's been an impressive achievement cleaning up all your messes to this point but you're on your own here."
"Alison?"
"Goddammit. Alison, I'm sorry, I know- you're gone, aren't you? Yep. You're gone. Okay. I deserved that."
ii.
"We should probably get you to a hospital," Ian says, twisting around in the passenger side and looking into the backseat. "Drop this one off at lockup and get that leg looked at."
Don nods, leaning back against the seat and readjusting the gun pointed at Trent. "Sooner we don't have to look at his ugly mug the better."
"That was good fun," Billy says. "Where is lockup here?"
"I told you to let Ian drive," Don mutters.
iii.
"They got Jacobs!"
David almost gives himself whiplash. "What?"
Joe is waving animatedly at the television in the corner of the bullpen. "Look! They just brought him in near Lincoln. Is that Edgerton?"
Tommy cranes his head and recognises the sniper. The man on the other side looks remarkably like Billy Cooper. He blinks and leans closer. "Is that… Cooper? But-"
They wait as the camera pans the local police officers hauling the other men towards patrol cars. David turns towards Tommy and his face is hard as he jerks his head towards Wright's office.
The two of them make a run for the door.
iv.
Philip Wright looks up with panic written across his face as David Sinclair and Tommy McLean crash through his door.
"We know you lied to us," David says sharply. "But we just saw Billy Cooper on the news. Jacobs is in custody."
Philip opens his mouth and Tommy cuts clear across him. "What really happened to Don?"
"We didn't lie," he says, holding up a hand. He still looks vaguely panicked. "We told you about the ruse but then they went off the radar and we had no idea what happened. Their handler hasn't been taking my calls and I never had a line to Cooper. I've been relying on the news to keep up with them since they torched their SUV and Eppes went off the grid. I'm in the same boat as you are right now."
Both men look stunned for a moment. Tommy's the first to gather his wits. "Well, if that's true then where's Don? We saw Cooper and Edgerton but there was no sign of him."
"I don't know," Philip says honestly. "He was alive sometime last week is all I know for sure. We're just going to have to wait to hear from them."
v.
"I can't believe he shot me right at the end," Don mutters as the doctor finishes the stitches. "I was just about to punch him in the face. A second earlier and I could be halfway home right now."
"I'll go and call Bart," Ian says thoughtfully. "He'll probably want to be debriefed."
"Let him stew," Billy says cheerfully. He spins around on the stool. "I think we should get pizza."
"I could go pizza," Ian agrees, forgetting the previous train of conversation in favour of food.
Don shrugs and decides to roll with it as the painkillers start to dull the pain. "Why not? I'm all for letting Bart deal with whatever needs to be done. How long have we been out anyway?"
"Today's day eighteen," Billy says after a moment of silent thought. "It's been a long one."
"I should probably call dad and let him know I'll be home soon," Don says, nodding at the doctor. "Thanks. Coop, can I use your phone for a sec?"
vi.
"Don's coming home soon!" Charlie shouts up the stairs to Amita. "You can stop practicing your acting now!"
He sits down on the bottom stair and takes a deep breath, staring at the ceiling rather desperately. "Please stop practicing your acting now."
vii.
Megan is still awake when it hits midnight.
She rolls over in bed and stares at the clock for a moment. "No, they're all insane," she says aloud. "They're all insane and it doesn't matter how unlikely it is that they would make up something that crazy. You should know better than to be surprised by now."
A few minutes later she's staring at the ceiling. "No," she repeats. "There is not a government conspiracy and they did not blow Don up and sure, Liz was crying but she was also really drunk. They all were. The fact that you played along with them doesn't mean you believe them."
She spends a good ten minutes practicing deep breathing before she gets up and goes straight for the bottle of rum on her dresser without even questioning why it is there in the first place.
"I'm going to kill Don for this if he isn't already dead."
viii.
We were very happy to see that you caught that awful man William and we hope to see you home soon. Love your mother and father. PS we assume its safe to use names now because the case is over. Your sisters say hello again.
ix.
"We have to go to Don's apartment," Colby says decisively, about an hour after he wakes up from a completely unplanned nap. With no idea what time or even day it is, he surveys the mass of paper and general mess in Ana's dining room. "There might be clues there about whatever it was he discovered. We've hit a dead end here anyway."
Ana and Liz are sprawled on the kitchen floor, fast asleep, and Nikki is nodding off from her perch on one of the counters. He looks at them in disgust.
"Now is not the time for sleeping!" he barks, banging on a saucepan with the wooden spoon.
Nikki jolts awake and ends up half in the sink. Ana sits bolt upright, eyes flying open and panic all over her face as Liz rolls over with an odd growling noise.
Colby scowls. "You're all pathetic. It's a wonder Don didn't die of shame before they got to him."
x.
"You shouldn't fly with a gunshot wound," Ian says, eyes narrowed in consideration as he looks at Don intently. "We should drive back. Well, I'll drive. You can stretch out in the back and Cooper can do whatever."
"Why are you both coming back to LA?" Don asks curiously. He's also pretty sure he should still be in hospital technically but he isn't going to complain if the nurses are happy to release him into Billy and Ian's care. The painkillers they'd given him are amazing.
The two men shrug in unison. "Nothing better to do."
Don nods agreeably. "The company would be nice. I forgot how much fun we always have." He frowns thoughtfully. "I really shouldn't drive either."
"Road trip!" Billy crows excitedly.
xi.
They don't make it out of Ana's kitchen despite Colby's best efforts to stir them to action. He's discovered that they would make terrible soldiers and the thought makes him more upset than he would have expected. "Don would have made a good soldier," he says to himself quietly, feeling remarkably old and nostalgic, and takes a sip from the whiskey that is all they have left. He imagines this is what his commanding officer felt like sometimes.
"Do you think Mike would deliver coffee to us here?" Ana asks blearily. "Or just come make it? I think I have a coffee machine."
"You do have a coffee machine," Nikki mumbles. She's still draped over the counter. It can't be comfortable. "S'in the laundry cupboard on top of the tea towels."
"Because that's a good place to keep a coffee machine," Liz says, sounding more sarcastic than anyone should have a right to sound when talking from the floor. Colby shoots her a sharp glare and she glares belligerently back. "Don't look at me like that, Granger." Her eyes well up again and Colby wonders why it feels like a kick in the groin every time a woman cries.
He takes Ana's phone from the fruit bowl and scrolls through her contacts.
"Mike?"
xii.
"I'm getting really worried, we haven't heard from Granger and the girls in way too long for it to be a good sign," Tommy says when David arrives in the office absurdly early the next morning.
David is about to reply when his phone rings. He answers it without looking at the number.
"Sinclair."
Tommy watches as the other man slowly cycles through confusion, mild terror and eventually settles on a baffled kind of resignation.
"We talked to Wright last night, Megan. We might actually be right. Not about the conspiracy as such, although we don't know how much we believe him about that, but no one actually knows whether Don's alive or dead right now."
It turns to utter terror a moment later. "Liz was crying?"
A feeling of dread suddenly turns Tommy's insides to stone.
xiii.
Alan decides to go play a game of golf with Stan. Don should be on his way home, Charlie's at work and all seems right with the world. Even the weather is nice.
He hums on his way down the stairs and makes pancakes for breakfast, enjoying the silence.
xiv.
Don wakes up to hear Billy and Ian in the middle of a rousing round of I-Spy.
"I spy with my little eye something beginning with… t."
"Traffic!"
"One car does not count as traffic. Do you see more than one other car? No. You're terrible at this game."
"You need to be clearer about your definition of words, Edge. Toupee? That guy in the convertible is definitely wearing one."
"I'll pay that, but no."
There is silence for a while and Don isn't entirely sure why he holds his breath waiting for Billy's next guess. He blames the painkillers.
"There aren't any trees either. I give up."
"This is like taking candy from a baby, Cooper. Telephone tower."
"What the hell? I can't see any of those."
"Over there."
"I want a handicap, dammit. Sniper eyesight is an unfair advantage."
"This isn't golf so suck it up. Your turn."
Don snickers quietly.
xv.
"And the hunt for escaped mass murderer Trent Jacobs finally came to an end last night! We have an exclusive report from one of our journalists who was on the scene at the diner where the thrilling recapture took place. Jack, tell us what happened!"
"Well, Ebony, it was definitely thrilling! A pair of FBI agents cornered their mark and his cohorts in this diner behind me last evening and with some assistance from staff managed to bring him down. As you can see, there is some considerable collateral damage but the owner has released a statement about being happy to help put such a danger to society back in prison and that this damage is purely superficial in comparison to the sacrifice of the two agents who gave their lives earlier in this saga."
"Very true, Jack, I don't think those two agents are far from any American's mind right now. Our prayers and thoughts are with their families, friends and teams at this difficult time. Their sacrifice won't be in vain, I'm sure, as the full force of the law is applied to Trent Jacobs."
"Their identities do still remain unknown but we have had innumerable anonymous tributes phoned and emailed in over the last week. The overwhelming consensus seems to be a profound sense of gratitude for the danger that these agents put themselves in to protect the citizens of this great nation and the sacrifices they make so willingly. We might not know their names but that makes our thoughts and prayers no less heartfelt because through their actions we know who they were. They will live on, Ebony."
"That they will, Jack. Today will be a day of reflection as much as celebration. Crossing to the weather room now."
xvi.
Charlie's classroom has been completely overtaken by crying college girls due to what he can only imagine was a horrifically emotional news broadcast about the long overdue capture of Trent Jacobs and he thinks that he kind of wants to cry as well.
This has all gotten to be too much and he really needs a vacation. Without Amita.
xvii.
Mike gets a phone call from one of the FBI agents at about 8:30am and counts himself lucky he doesn't start at work until noon. It sounds like they need coffee way more than any paying customers and he heard about Jacobs finally being caught. It must be pretty emotional news.
The apartment he gets directions to is rather fancy and he is impressed but tries not to let it show on his face as the guy, Granger, lets him in. The place looks like a warzone inside. A sophisticated one, admittedly, but one nonetheless.
The three women look utterly wrecked.
"God, what happened?" he asks before realising that is kind of an insensitive question.
"Look," Granger says. He's carrying a wooden spoon and Mike silently takes the empty alcohol bottles scattered about into consideration before saying anything. "There is some serious shit going down and these three are pitiful soldiers right now. We can't tell you because people have already died and I won't have the blood of an innocent on our hands but I need them on their game. Can you fix them?"
He's definitely confused but more than willing to go along with this because if you can't trust the FBI then who can you trust? Mike nods staunchly. "You said there was a coffee machine?"
"In the laundry cupboard," Ana says sleepily, waving her hand towards the hallway.
He doesn't ask questions as Granger follows him to the laundry and stands guard while he gets the machine. His life definitely couldn't be classed as boring anymore.
xviii.
Alison still isn't answering his calls by the next afternoon and he hasn't left his office yet. Bart is pretty sure he's screwed and, unfortunately, none of the many contingency plans he has had in place all these years are equipped to deal with the double onslaught of chaos that he really should have known was coming when he put Cooper and Eppes in the same vicinity.
He wants to tell himself that he's never going to order their collaboration again but a little voice tells him that seeing as he's sent Eppes to his death he won't exactly be able to even if he wanted to.
He blames the odd little noise that escapes him on the psychotic break and deliberately doesn't look at the picture on his desk. He hasn't had enough sleep to look at the eighteen year old picture that some sentimental part of him keeps regardless of the dozens of other agents he's worked with.
"Alison? I'm an asshole but I need your help. If I got Eppes killed I have to call his father and he scares me."
xxix.
When everyone is considerably more functional, Mike doesn't feel quite so bad about leaving them to go to work.
"We appreciate the assistance," Granger says seriously. He reminds Mike more and more of a military commander every time he speaks which is, honestly, very surprising. He'd always thought that he was a little on the odd side but he guesses that loss sometimes brings out the best in people. They need a leader right now and he's obviously stepped up to the plate.
"If you need it again don't hesitate to call," he says sincerely. "We really appreciate everything you guys do to make LA a safer place so we'll do whatever we can to help out."
"You've done plenty already," Ana says kindly. Her face hardens a little. "It's up to us now."
As they leave the apartment building with him he wonders whether he should point out that not a single one of them is wearing their weapon and that Granger and Ana actually have their handcuffs attached to their gun holsters but decides against it. They're probably just carrying them concealed, he rationalises. They're FBI agents, they're always prepared for everything.
xxx.
Don calls Alan when they hit the outskirts of LA at about 6 that evening.
"Hey Dad, it's me. I'm going to head home and get cleaned up before we come around, okay?"
"Sure Donnie, it'll just be good to have you back. Are Billy and Ian coming with you?"
"Yeah – I uh, might have gotten a little injured bringing Jacobs in. Nothing major, I promise!"
"Well, I didn't hear from your handler about it. What happened?"
"We left a message with Alison and might not have actually mentioned it. It's just a flesh wound anyway, I got checked out by a hospital and Billy and Ian have been driving so I've done nothing but rest."
"Don, that's very inconsiderate of you. He's probably worried. Things back here have been crazy. You saying it's just a flesh wound doesn't exactly fill me with confidence either. What happened?"
"He knows we're fine, the report was on the news and everything. Just a little GSW to the leg. Missed all the arteries and bones and even the doctor said it was really minor. I didn't even need a wheelchair, just some crutches."
"Hi Alan! We ditched the crutches, he's doing fine."
"You're going to be the death of me one day, Don. Say hi to Billy and Ian and I'll see you when you get home."
Don leans back against the seat with a sigh. "It is going to be like I never left, isn't it?"
xxxi.
David and Tommy watch suspiciously as Wright leaves the office with a determined look on his face. They haven't exactly done much work over the last few weeks but they don't think he ever does so seeing him doing anything with so much purpose is highly unusual.
"Looks like he has some loose ends to tie up," Tommy says quietly as he and David very slyly reach for their jackets and follow the man towards the elevators. He takes the stairs in a surprise move and David stabs desperately at the call button.
Luckily the elevator arrives in another couple of seconds and they manage to beat him down to the parking lot. Their stealth skills are thoroughly tested as they follow him through the maze of government issue vehicles and out into LA traffic.
"This is way harder without sirens," David mutters as they get cut off by a jerk in a flashy convertible.
Tommy grunts unhappily. "He's compensating for something. We could crush that tiny car with my SUV."
Sometime later David frowns. "McLean, this is Don's area. Wright lives on the other side of town."
xxxii.
Don's hobbled most of the way into the living room when he hears Billy and Ian say a cheery hello to someone. He turns just in time to see a cluster of people emerge from the hallway.
Colby crashes into him first, Ana second, Liz and Nikki tied for third. He goes down without a fight mostly because there is no way his leg can stand under the onslaught. Luckily they hit the rug and once he gets a little breath back in his lungs and some more painkillers he might not want to kill them all.
He has missed his merry little band of crazies, if he's honest with himself.
"What the hell is going on here?" Philip Wright's voice thunders from the doorway.
Everyone looks up and the man's eyes widen dramatically when he sees Don.
"Eppes? You're supposed to be dead."
Nikki's the first to gain her feet and fumble for her absent gun as Colby throws himself protectively over Don and Ana crouches in front of both of them with a truly terrifying expression on her face. Liz, for her part, lunges for the bonsai plant on the coffee table.
"We knew it!" David and Tommy are right behind the director with fingers pointed and eerily in sync.
The room is blanketed in a dramatic, ringing silence as the ceramic pot hits Wright in the groin.
That felt like a fitting way to finish things. The only thing that would have been better is if it had been Alison throwing something at Bart. I think their working relationship may need some therapy after this. Everyone probably needs some therapy. I hope everyone has enjoyed this ride as much as I enjoyed writing it, your reviews have been a delight to read along the way.