August 29 2012
You rang yesturday, Comrade. A week since you left, you rang.
When I saw your name flashing on my phone I didnt know what to do. I was sitting on my bed staring at the wall when my ringtone went off, my hand was physically trembling when I picked my phone up. Yuve turned me into a pathetic snivelling fool.
Im ashamed now to say that I got my hopes up, I wanted to believe that you were calling to say you were sorry, that you were on the plane coming back to me...
I remember the whole call perfectly...
"Roza..." you murmured quietly over the line when I answered.
I couldnt figure out what to say, I had to fight myself not to burst into tears at the sound of your voice but I controlled myself.
"Dimitri..." I had whispered back.
"Im sorry Roza, Im sorry for leaving the way I did but..."
I got my hopes up then, my heart beat faster and my body tensed. But what? But Im sorry? But Im coming back? It was the longest few seconds of my life waiting for you to continue.
"but I wouldnt have been able to say goodbye to your face... It was hard enough leaving you behind. I had to though, I was distracting you Roza, You almost died in those caves because You were worried about me getting hurt, I cant have you doing that, I need you to focus on keeping yourself and Lissa alive. Im sorry but this is the way it has to be. I hope you can understand..."
You had said it all so fast that it took me a moment to comprehend that you... You were calling to say goodbye. For good.
The sob escaped my lips before I could stop it. The tears were Welling up and spilling over but I didnt care. You were saying goodbye... Thats the moment it completely sunk in that you had left me for good, you really werent coming back.
"Im so sorry Roza..." you said, you sounded Broken, your voice was thick and your accent was heavy, that only happened when you were emotional... I couldnt handle that though.
I hung up.
Thr phone slipped from my hands and I bought my knees up, curling into a ball in the middle of my bed, I cried. It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I was never going to recover from this heartache. I couldnt breath, I couldnt think, I couldnt move.
Lissa found me like that the next morning. She stayed with me for the whole day, trying to get me to eat or to speak but I refused, I couldnt go on.
Its been hours, she finally gave up and left me to suffer alone which is how I want it. I dont want to be around anyone.
I barely got myself up to write this, I dont even know why Im doing it... No actually, I think I do. Im writing this so that in the future I will remember. Ill remember the one who ripped my heart out and stomped on it. Ill remember what you did to me so that Ill never give my heart to anyone ever again, no one will get as close to me as you did.
Dimitri Belikov.
-Rose.