Only Human

All I Could Not Mention

Ashley watches Hotch walk out of the room to call Emily. She can't decide whether or not she wants him to come back. One part of her wants him to stay out and never come back. She doesn't want him to see her like this. She just wants to be alone. But the other part of her wants Hotch to come back in her room. She wants him to hold her in his arms and protect her against everything out there, protect her against the man who did this to her.

Ashley lies down on her side facing the door, so she is able to watch who enters her room. She is tired and can feel her eyes getting heavy, but she is afraid to close them. Afraid of what she might see, when sleep takes over.

When Hotch reenters Ashley's room he sees that she is sleeping, but when he closes the door her eyes snaps open and she quickly sits up. "Is she coming?" Ashley asks.

"Emily will be here soon," he says looking down and then back up at her. "Why didn't you tell the police your name?"

"I… I have you written down as my emergency contact, but didn't want them to call you. I didn't want you to know what happened to me," she says as Hotch sits down on the side of the bed. She moves away from him, so he won't be able to touch her without her seeing his hand coming.

"I'm not going to hurt you or even touch you if you don't want me to."

She knows that. She knows he will never hurt her like the masked man had. Hotch is one of the good guys, one you can trust and count on. "Sorry," she says, "I just don't… I don't know what I'm feeling and I'm so tired." Tears start falling down her cheeks once again. "And I'm crying all the time. I'm not like that! This isn't me!" she says with a deep sigh.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Ashley crosses her legs under herself and looks away from Hotch. She doesn't know how to tell him that she was so paralyzed with fear that she didn't fight back. That she had just laid in the backseat of her car while the man had raped her. "I can't," Ashley says wrapping her arms around herself as she starts sobbing. Rocking back and forth she presses her eyes tightly together to keep tears from falling, but behind her eyelids pictures of her attack flashes in her mind and with a gasp she opens her eyes again.

She is beginning to panic and Hotch doesn't know what to do. He wants to touch her, maybe rub her back to calm her down, but he's afraid it might upset her even more. But then she does something totally unexpected. She leans against his side and cries into his shoulder. Hesitatingly he lays an arm around and is surprised when she cuddles into him, but so is she and when she has realized what she has just done, she quickly moves away from him again. "How will Emily find us?"

"We will go down and meet her."

"When?"

Hotch looks at his watch. "We can do it now," he says getting of the bed. "Do you have some other clothes to change into?"

Ashley looks down at the hospital pajamas one of the nurses gave to her, so she didn't have to wear a gown. "They took away my clothes. It's evidence now," she says pulling the sleeves down over her hands as she crawls out of the bed. When her feet hit the floor she almost falls to the ground and she has to hold on to the side of the bed to stay up. Her legs are shaking so violently that she almost can't stand on her own.

"Is it okay if I put my arm around you while we walk or should I get a wheelchair?" Hotch asks.

Ashley sighs and grabs her bag of the bedside table. "I don't want a wheelchair," she says swinging her bag over her shoulder and looks at the floor.

"Okay." He knows she doesn't really want him to touch her, but apparently she wants the wheelchair even less. "Come on," he says laying his arm around her and then they walked slowly out of the room.