Only Human

When It's Cold

When Ashley wakes, it is still quite early. There is not much light in the room and she guesses that it's not more than six in the morning. She is tired and should really just go back to sleep, but suddenly she can't stand being this near to Emily. Ashley carefully crawls out of Emily's embrace. She had been lying in her arms all night with a tight grip on her shirt. She remembers how scared she had gotten every time Emily had just moved a bit. She was afraid she was going to leave her and now she was the one leave.

Ashley opens the bedroom door and walks down the hall without making a sound. She grabs her bag and leaves Emily's apartment without so much as leaving a note for her. It all reminds her of a bad one-night stand. It isn't till she is out on the street that she remembers what she is wearing. The navy blue PJ pants is thin and she can feel the cold air flying through them, but luckily they don't look like PJs all that much and the hoodie is quite warm. She wraps her arms around herself and starts walking, hoping to find a cab quickly.

Ashley is almost half way home when a cab finally stops for her. She opens the backseat door, but she can't make herself get in. Pictures of what happened the night before flashes before her eyes. She slams the door close and starts running as fast as she can, hoping to run away from the panic and fear that is about to darken her world again.

Ashley doesn't stop running till she reaches her apartment building. She quickly walks up stairs to the fifth floor, not bothering to wait for the elevator. She is out of breath when she finally reaches her apartment and she has trouble opening the door, because tears, she hasn't even noticed are falling, keep blurring her vision making her miss the keyhole. After ten missed tries she sinks to the floor sobbing into her hands.

"Miss Seaver, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she says wiping the tears off her cheeks with the back of her hands and then she slowly turns around. Her next door neighbor's grandson is standing behind her with a worried expression on his face. Ashley thinks she remembers Mrs. Nichols telling her that his name is Andy and that he is 8 years old. "What are you doing out here in the hall so early?"

"I was getting the paper for my grandma, but then I saw you sitting here crying." He lays his arms around her in a sideway hug, if this had been any other day, the Ashley would have thought it was cute, but right now she just wanted to push him away.

"Please, please let go of me right now. I need to get into my apartment."

Andy steps away from her and watches her confusedly as she fumbles with her keys. "Let me help you," he says taking the keys from her hands and unlocking the door.

"Thank you," she quickly says taking the keys back and hurries inside slamming the door closed after her. She sighs a sigh of relief and walks through her small apartment to the bathroom. She drops her bag on the toilet and turns on the water tap watching as the bathtub fills. When the bathtub is filled with water she turns it off and removes her clothes. As she sinks down in the scalding water she avoids the mirror. The water hurts her body and it takes everything in her not to jump out of the tub again. She breathes in deeply and slides completely under the water.

Ashley stays under the water for as long as she can and even when air is becoming necessary she doesn't want to come up to surfaces. She just wants to stay down there where nothing happens and nothing hurts. But when her lungs are completely empty of air she can't stay down under the water any longer. Her body jolts up right and she starts coughing violently. It hurts, but in a different way than the water hurt or the bruises on her thighs. She runs her hands along them and flinches when she presses down on the dark blue bruises. She wishes they would just go away. She sighs. At least the other ones don't hurt and she wouldn't even know they were there if it wasn't for their ugly blue/black color. She will have to wear turtleneck blouses for the next many days at work. Ashley shivers at the thought of having to go back to work and having the others see her like this. Maybe she can just stay at home till the bruises have faded away. Ashley shakes her head; she knows it will take them weeks to disappear.

Ashley gets up from the tub and wraps a towel around her body. She avoids the mirror again as she walked out of the bathroom with Emily's hoodie in her arms and down the hall to her bedroom. As she passes the small table with her home phone on she sees that the red button is blinking, telling her that she has a missed call and that there now is a message for her. She presses the button.

"You have four new messages."

"Ashley, why did you just leave? If you had just woken me up, then I would have driven you home. Well when you do get home, will you then please call me?" the message ends and Emily's voice disappears, but only for a moment.

"Why haven't you called me back yet? It's over an hour since I last called you, so you should be home by now, even if you walked. Please call me." The machine beeps and the next message begins.

"Ashley, pick up the phone! I have called you ten times now. Why aren't you picking up? I'm getting really worried, so if you don't answer the next time I call then I'm going to call Hotch." Ashley sighs. She hadn't even noticed that the phone had been ringing while she was in the bathroom.

"Seaver, Prentiss just called me; she is worried about you because you aren't answering your phone. If you haven't called back by 10:30 am then Emily or I will come to your apartment."

It's now a little after 10 which probably means that the call from Hotch had come in not long before she had gotten out of the shower. "Why don't they just leave me alone," Ashley mumbles to herself as she presses Hotch's number into her phone.

"Hotchner."

"Tell Emily I got home fine on my own and that I didn't answer her calls, because I was in the shower and couldn't hear the phone ringing."

"Seaver…"

"I'm fine! You don't have to worry about me."

She can hear Hotch sighing, before he says, "You should take some time off from work. I think that would be best for you."

"Okay, but what are you going to tell the other when I don't show up for work?"

"I don't want to lie to them, but if you don't want me to tell them the truth, then I won't."

"You can tell them."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Ashley says and hangs up the phone without saying goodbye. Now she just wants to put on comfortable pants, Emily's oversized hoodie and then crawl under her covers and stay in bed for the rest of the day.