Only Human

Somewhere Out in Space

Ashley sits in the driver's seat of her rental car clenching the steering-wheel. She tries not to cry, but tears are filling her eyes and she almost can't hold them back any longer. She doesn't want to cry. She has already cried too much for one day and she knows that Garcia will be able to see it in her face. Not because her cheeks might be tear-stained or her eyes might be red, no, Garcia is just the type of person who is able to see it. She knows when someone is sad or feeling down and if she finds out Ashley has been crying again, then she will be worried and start asking questions that Ashley doesn't want to answer. But at the same time she doesn't want to make up anymore lies, like where she really was today or why she had been crying earlier.

Two days after the rape, Ashley had gone to the police. They already had her rape kit, but she had refused to tell them her name. She didn't want anyone to know what happened to her. If she was in the system as a rape victim, someone on the team might find out, but then Hotch had showed up at the hospital and keeping her secret wasn't possible anymore. So Ashley walked into the police station and asked for Detectives Amy Willens and Jacob Giffen. Detective Willens had showed Ashley into a small room by herself and Ashley had been grateful that she was able to talk to the female detective alone, even though she knew that Detective Giffen was standing on the other side of the one way window listening to every word she said.

An hour later Ashley had told Detective Willens everything she remembered, answered all of the questions as good as she could and gave the detectives the keys to her car, which was still parked in the same spot it had been two days earlier. Ashley never wanted to go anywhere near that car ever again.

Then last night Ashley had gotten a call from Detective Giffen – they had caught her rapist. She hadn't expected it would happen that quickly, but they had been able to find DNA from the man under her fingernails and had found a match in the DNA database. So Ashley had had to go over everything again with the detectives and talk with the DA, Riley Madison, about her testimony. It had taken every fiber in her body not to break down right there in the DA's office. Talking about what had happened to her hurt so much, but she knows just how to act so no one will notice anything.

Ashley takes a few deep breaths and then steps out of the car. "I can do this, I can do this," she keeps telling herself as she stands in the elevator and waits for it to come to a stop. When the doors open she puts on a fake smile and walks into the bullpen like nothings is wrong. Ashley knows that she wouldn't have been able to pull off her fake happiness if her team members had been there, but smiling at the other people there that don't really know her is quite easy.

Ashley sits by her desk for an hour looking over some of the things she has missed over the two weeks she had been gone. Hotch had told her to take one week of, but that hadn't been enough and he had happily given her another week. She knows that he hoped she would take even more time off, but Ashley couldn't stand being in her small apartment any longer. She needed to get back to reality, needed to see that the world hadn't ended even though that was how she felt.

Ashley puts the case file she had been reading in her top desk drawer and then makes her way to Garcia's small and overfilled office. She knocks on the door and slowly walks in. "Hello my pretty princess," Garcia says with a big smile as she turns in her chair to look at Ashley.

"Hi Penelope," she says and gives her a small, but sincere, smile back. Garcia's good and happy mood had a positive effect on her. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Well I'm gathering background information on the victims and their families."

Ashley pulls the other desk chair and just as she sits down next to Garcia the office phone starts to ring. "Hello you're speaking with the always amazing Penelope Garcia and the lovely Ashley Seaver, what can we do for you?"

"How is the background information coming along?" Hotch asks.

"I'm almost done with all three victims and their families," Garcia tells him as her fingers flies over her keyboard.

"Good, fax it over here when you're done and Seaver..."

"Yes Sir?"

"I would like for you to go over everything Garcia finds out about the victims and try to find similarities between them. I will get Reid on it too."

"Okay, I will get right on it."

"Good, I will call back later," Hotch says and then hangs up.

Garcia pushes Ashley's chair to the side and then rolls her own with it. "You can sit by this computer and work instead of sitting all alone by your desk." Garcia turns on the computer and a couple of minutes later all the information she has gathered about the victims is on the screen. Ashley wonders if Garcia has does the same with her, pulled up her case file and read the details about what happened to her. She tries to shake the thought out of her head and smile. "Great, thanks."

Garcia smiles and pats Ashley on her back before she rolls back to her own computer screens and once again lets her fingers fly over the keyboard.

When Garcia pats Ashley on her back she does everything she can not to move away from the hand. She doesn't want Garcia to touch her. She also doesn't want to make her sad or worried so she will call Hotch. Ashley knows that is the reason why Garcia wanted her to work in her office and not in the bullpen. 'Hotch has asked her to keep an eye on me, that's the only reason I'm sitting here, because Garcia doesn't really want me here. She doesn't want me near her, no one does. I'm dirty and wrong!' Ashley shakes her head and sighs. 'I need to stop thinking like this. It has to stop.' But that is easier said than done, because the moment Garcia moves a bit away from Ashley the thoughts are back in her head again.

Ashley reads one file after another and two hours later Hotch calls to hear what she has found out. She tells the team what she thinks and Reid jumps in with things every ones in a while. Everything goes well till Ashley looks at one of Garcia's screens that at the moment holds the crime scene photo of Autumn Owens. Ashley stops talking and just looks at the picture.

"Seaver?" Hotch asks over the speaker, but his voice doesn't reach her. She can't move, she can't think, she just keeps staring at the picture.

"Ashley?" Garcia asks worried. "Sweetie what's wrong?"

"That could have been me," Ashley says just above a whisper and then she starts breathing faster and faster. She leans forward over the table and gasps for air. It doesn't reach her lungs properly and her chest starts to hurt.

"Garcia, what is going on?" Morgan almost yells at her and she can hear the fear in his voice.

"Ashley, she... she can't breathe," Garcia tells him as she tries not to sound too panicked. "I don't know that to do."

"What happened right before this started?" Rossi asks.

"She looked at the crime screen photo of Autumn Owens." Garcia looks at Ashley. "If she doesn't start breathing normally soon, then I think she will pass out."

"Garcia, listen to me," Emily says firmly, but Garcia can hear the worry. "Ashley is having a panic attack. It might freak her out, but you need to move her arms over her head. It should help with her breathing and then you need to do something to calm her down."

"Okay..." Garcia lays her hands on Ashley's arms and moves them slowly off the table and over her head. Ashley sits completely still with her head bent down and wheezing. "Ashley, you have to calm down. Try taking deep breaths."

Ashley tries to breathe in, but it hurts so much that she would have collapsed over the table if Garcia hadn't been holding her arms up. "I... I can't," she stutters and gasps once again.

"Yes you can. Sweetie look at me," Garcia says and Ashley slowly rises her head. Garcia looks right into her eyes and can see the fear she is feeling. "Everything is going to be okay. I'm here, we are here for you. You don't have to be afraid."

Ashley's breathing is slowing down and the tight feeling her in her chest slowly disappears. When she finally can breathe normally again she lets the tears fall that she has been holding back for so long. Garcia wraps her arms around Ashley as she cries. But it's not like the way she cried this morning, it's not just a few tears that is rolling down her cheeks. No, Ashley is crying so hard her whole body is shaking. She holds tight on to Garcia as she lets everything out. "That could have been me," she sobs, "that could have been me."

A/N - The 2011 Profiler's Choice CM Awards nomination ballot is now up. So everyone, please go nominate all your favorite stories and writers. http : / .net / topic /74868 / 48350094 / 1 /