Only Human

From all this thinking

Ashley storms through the doors of the women's bathroom. She checks all the stalls, but no one else is in there. She kicks the trash can and sends crumpled paper towels flying around the room. She continues to kick the trash can, but when it slides too far away from her feet she turns and hits the wall with open hands. She hits it over and over till her arms starts hurting and she sinks to the floor. She wants to scream and cry, but what is the point? It won't change the fact that she was raped and now can't even have her friends hug her without freaking out.

She was raped and nothing will ever change that.

Rape is – according to the dictionary – the crime of forcing another person to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse. That is something everyone knows, but what people don't know is that the rape itself isn't the worse part. It's everything that comes after. It's all the fear and all the pain that she feels. But most of all it's the shame. Ashley knows that she has nothing to be ashamed of. She knows that this wasn't her fault. She didn't make him do it, but it doesn't change the way that she feels.

Ashley picks herself up from the floor and walks into the stall in corner. She locks the door even though she is the only one in the bathroom and then sits down on the closed toilet lid. She wants to stay in that stall forever or at least till all of this is over. Ashley hates having to tell what happened to her and she actually hates even more that her friends came to support her. She had told them not to. She didn't want them to know in details what happened that night. But now they do and how will they ever be able to look at her again without seen what happened? But maybe that's only how it is for her. Maybe that only happens when Ashley looks at herself in the mirror.

It's not till tears are dripping from her chin down to her folded hands that lies in her lap that Ashley realize that she is crying. She unfolds her hands and brings them to her face, slowly wiping the tears from her cheeks, but they are replaced by new ones to quickly. Ashley sighs, breathing in deeply, but when she lets the air back out a loud sob escapes her mouth and then there's no turning back.

Ashley cries. She cries loudly and every sob shakes her body violently. She cries so much she can't even breathe. It makes her chest hurt and her eyes starts to burn. Ashley wants to stop the crying, because she knows the 10 minutes will be up soon and then she will have to go back into the court room. Also, someone might come looking for her any minute now and she don't want whoever it is to know she's crying.

She sits up straight and wipes the tears of her cheeks with both hands and breaths in deeply. But the tears won't stop, so Ashley angrily slams her right fist against the stall door. She has to bit down on her tongue so that she won't scream out in pain. For a moment she is afraid she might have broken something, because the pain is so intense, but then it slowly starts to fade away.

"Ashley? Are you okay in there?"

She freezes; shocked by the voice she hadn't expected to hear. When did Emily come in? Ashley hadn't heard the bathroom door open or close. Was that because Emily had come in the moment she had hit the stall? Or was it just because Ashley had focused so much on the pain in her hand? "I'm fine," she says, a little annoyed at herself for sounding so weak.

"I was told to come and get you, they are starting up again in a few minutes," Emily tells her and Ashley can hear that she is walking closer to the stall. She lets the sleeve fall over her right hand and then unlocks the door and walks out. When Emily sees her, her face softens. "Oh sweetie."

Ashley looks at herself in the mirror across the room and sees that her nose and eyes are red. She looks like someone who has been crying for a long time. She sighs; so much for keeping the crying a secret.

"Can I hug you?" Emily asks and Ashley nodes her head slowly. She thinks that if she says anything then she might start crying again. But the moment Emily wraps her arms around Ashley the tears still starts to fall and right now she isn't embarrassed by them. It feels naturally to stand here crying while being comforted. Like when she was little and had gotten hurt. Back when she still trusted her family.

But sadly the moment doesn't last long and then Ashley is back to feeling ashamed and embarrassed. "Sorry," she says and pulls herself out of Emily's embrace. "Do you have some make-up I can borrow?" She looks at the floor, avoiding Emily's searching eyes.

Emily sighs and reaches down in her bag. "Here." She hands Ashley an eyeliner and mascara. Ashley takes them and walks over to the sinks. In the mirror above them she can see Emily looking at her. She smiles, but her eyes are sad. Ashley is afraid that it's her fault. That every bad thing that has ever happened in her life, because she wasn't careful enough or strong.

"Don't think that," Emily says.

Her words startle Ashley. She most have zoned out for a moment. She graters herself and reaches out for a paper towel. "What does it matter?" She wets the paper and washes the make-up of her eyes and cheeks.

Emily walks and stands beside her, their eyes meet in the mirror again. "If you really think this is your fault then don't go out there. Stay in here and let that man get away with what he did to you. Because if you really believe that what happened to you was your fault, then why go through this hell of court and testifying if all of this is your fault anyway?"

Ashley looks away and lets the wet paper towel fall down in the sink. She sighs. She doesn't know what she should do or think, but she knows that Emily is right. She looks to the left at Emily and hands her the make-up back. "I don't think I need this anymore." Emily looks chocked at her and Ashley knows what Emily must be thinking. But Ashley isn't giving up, not now. "I think they should know what all of this is doing to me, so I'm not going to hide behind the make-up or the sweet pink blouse." Ashley breathes in deeply. "I will go in there like this, so they can see how truly broken I am."

Emily gives her a small smile, while she puts the make-up in her bag again and then she wraps her arm around Ashley shoulder. "You may think you're broken now, but we will help you gather the pieces and put you back together," Emily tells her as they slowly walks out of the bathroom.

Ashley nods. "I would like that," she says, but when she sees the others talking, smiling and laughing, she thinks she might not just be broke, but that she instead is shattered, because broken means that there is hope to be fixed. That you may not be entirely the same, but there is a chance to be fixed and Ashley doesn't feel like that. She feels more shattered, that there is no hope for her to ever be fixed. That she is gone, smashed into too many pieces, but she won't tell Emily that or any of the others. Right now she needs to get this over with, so that she might sleep a little easier at night.

"You can do this," Emily whispers, and Ashley knows that she isn't just talking about the testimony. She breathes is deeply. "I can do this." She sounds convincing, but she doesn't believe it.