A/N: Wow, thanks for reading and for all of the reviews. Just to add another disclaimer (oh, and you do know that fanfic means I don't own it... People should know, which is why I forget to disclaim all the time), I still haven't reread the sixth book. I probably won't this whole time, so you'll get a lot of BSing on the canon parts of the book. It's more fun that way anyway, so enjoy!
Chapter Two: All of Its Sparkly Wonder
The night before they were to return to Hogwarts Harry had another one of his dreams, as he put it when telling it to Ron and Hermione during the chaos of getting ready to leave the next morning. He dreamed that he was standing in the middle of a formal dining room that had been cleared out. It looked like a cheap version of a throne room, like all cliche villains ended up with at the height of their madness. The scenery was a little fuzzy around the edges, so he wasn't exactly sure whether it was actually happening or not, but he thought it was real enough.
"And anyway, it's absolutely hilarious, so even if it is a regular dream it's worth dreaming it," he explained.
In any case, Voldemort was holding court like an evil villain when Borgin showed up with a small box. "Ah, is that the object that I have been waiting for?"
"Yeah, everything's just like you ordered it," Borgin said. He set the box down and carefully levitated a small Vanishing Cabinet out of it. "I was careful in the way I handled it as to not damage it."
"Good," Voldemort said. He sounded pleased, but Harry was fairly sure that Borgin would have gotten cursed even if he had delivered a perfectly plain Vanishing Cabinet. That was just the type of evil being Voldemort was, he couldn't help it.
Borgin shuddered and enlarged the Vanishing Cabinet, revealing it in all of its sparkly wonder. The room went so silent that Harry could hear the mice in the walls. Voldemort stared at the Vanishing Cabinet for a long while. After a couple of minutes the Death Eaters started shuffling, but no one dared to make any noise.
"What," Voldemort finally started speaking, "is this?"
"It's what you asked for, sir," Borgin said. He started sweating and his eyes darted around as though looking for a hole to escape into. "It's exactly how your subordinates modified it to. I didn't touch anything on it."
"Modified it?" Voldemort asked. "And who would this be?"
"The Malfoy boy and the brat who was in disguise," Borgin said. He at least had the sense not to tell the Dark Lord that the brat was dressed like Harry Potter the Boy Who Lived. "He covered half of my shop in glitter while working on it."
"I told Malfoy to make the arrangements, not modify it," Voldemort said. "Are you certain that it still works?"
"It should work, though the boy did say that the other Cabinet was acting up," Borgin said.
"Henspit, go test it," Voldemort ordered.
One of his Death Eaters started and nervously approached the pink monstrosity. "Yes, my Lord." He opened up the Vanishing Cabinet and a rush of glitter came pouring out. He stared down at the glitter that covered his feet like sand. "Um."
"No wonder he got so much glitter everywhere," Borgin muttered.
"Henspit," Voldemort called out.
"Yes, My Lord," Henspit said. He hesitantly stepped inside of the Vanishing Cabinet, wincing as his feet sank into the glitter. He tried to close the door, but it would not close for him. Another Death Eater had to come up and shove the door close.
The Death Eater waited for a moment before opening the door once more. Henspit had vanished, though strangely the glitter remained. "Now what?"
"Crucio," Voldemort cast on the random Death Eater. "Get that thing out of my sight and wait for Henspit to appear again."
"Yes, my Lord," a group of Death Eaters chorused. They all levitated the Vanishing Cabinet instead of touching it and took it out of the room - leaving a trail of glitter behind them.
"And then I woke up," Harry said. "I think that Voldemort really liked it, though."
"What, getting rid of it just like that?" Ron asked. "I bet that he would have destroyed it if his plans didn't revolve around it."
"Probably," Harry said.
"That's just what we wanted, though," Hermione said. "If it is out of their sight, then they won't notice as the other spells start to react."
"I hope I dream of those times as well," Harry said. "This dreaming thing is so useful. I even think that Voldemort is shying away from me now."
"And soon you'll take over the world," Ron said.
Harry started cackling along with Ron while Hermione shook her head. "Let's get all of our stuff together before your mum realizes that we're just sitting around."
The boys agreed and all of them threw themselves into the chaos that always happened on September first. After the huge run around, the trio relaxed in the train carriage. It wasn't long before Luna and Neville joined them.
"How did the mission go?" Neville asked. They had been able to tell him that something was going on and that they were going on a mission, but there was only so much they could get away with hiding from the adults by playing spies. They had been lucky to send any owls at all, and Harry had to wait until Sirius had come to get him.
"Operation Brighten Up the Dark Lord of Hypocrisy's Life?" Harry asked. "It went exactly how we planned and I do believe that he is horrified. We've done well."
"I'm still surprised that you decided to go after him," Neville said, shaking his head.
"Even Dark Lords deserve some brightening up," Luna said. "Really, someone should have done this years ago."
"But, yeah, it is just a bit bonkers," Ron said.
"We should get going to the Prefects meeting," Hermione said. "After all, we don't want to be late."
"The train hasn't even started moving yet," Ron protested, but he followed Hermione out of the room anyway.
Conversation lapsed back into the normal 'how was your summer' and they listened to Luna's accounts of searching for creatures in Switzerland. Neville spoke of his work in his gardens and how he tried to improve his potions work now that he was done with Snape. Harry told them about the chaos he got up to with Sirius, though they only had a couple of days alone before Dumbledore 'came and got him.' After that he spent the rest of the time with the Weasleys.
Just as things were starting to come to a lull, someone appeared at the carriage door. "Is Harry Potter here?"
"Not unless you're offering chips," Harry said. "For what reason are you looking for the mythical Harry Potter?"
"When did you turn into a myth?" Neville asked.
"Oh, I'm not a myth, Harry Potter is a myth," Harry said like there was a difference between the two.
"I'm looking for Neville Longbottom, too," the other guy said.
"Can I be a myth too?" Neville asked.
"Of course you can," Harry said.
"You can be a Poddlemod," Luna said. "They're due for a comeback."
"All right, I'll be a Poddlemod," Neville said. He focused back on the other student. "So, why are you looking for us?"
"You're invited to the Slug Club," the student said.
"I'm sorry, I'm in a deathly war with slugs," Harry said, holding up his hand and posing. "I cannot go."
"I think it would be better to ask what the Slug Club is first before deciding," Neville said.
"Giant Slugs, obviously," Luna said. "The rumors say that Hogwarts is merging with Slugwarts, so we'll be having classes with humanoid slugs."
"That's not it," the guy said. "That's not it at all. It's the new teacher, he's creating a club of famous people."
"Like a zoo?" Harry asked. "Because the mythical Harry Potter already gets that treatment just by eating breakfast."
"Um, I don't think that's it?" the guy said. "Listen, I was just told to invite you. It's up to you whether you go or not, but only select people are being invited."
"Eh, give mine to the people in the next carriage," Harry said. "I have plans to make."
"That's a bunch of first years," the guy said.
"That's not my problem," Harry said with a shrug. "Which is more important, hobnobbing at a zoo or plotting to take down evil people?"
"Giving your reputation now, I can see what you'd prefer to do," the student said. He looked over at Neville. "How about you?"
"I think I'll pass," Neville said. "But, I really don't think that first years can get away with pretending to be us."
"Specially since the new teacher saw me before," Harry said. "But, they'll just be our ambassadors."
"I still don't think that's right," the student said. "But I don't think I can take any more of this." He left before Harry could reply.
"So, are you planning on pranking the new teacher?" Neville asked. "What kind of person is it?"
"An armchair," Harry replied. "That's who he really is."
"Can armchairs kill people?" Luna asked. "Because if he's deadly, we need to strike first."
"I don't think he's deadly. He's kind of squishy," Harry said. "I'll just be normal around him."
"I'm starting to wonder if you even know what normal is," Neville said.
"Witches and Wizards exist, what is normal?" Harry asked.
Neville sighed and changed the subject. That conversation went on for a while, even after Hermione and Ron got back from the Prefects meeting.
When the train stopped, Harry lagged behind everyone else. "I'm gonna go spy on Draco for old time's sake."
"You really shouldn't," Hermione replied. "What if he decides to stun you for old time's sake?"
"Then I will be stunned," Harry said. He ran off before Hermione could physically stop him. Draco and the rest of his group were still seated in the carriage, to his surprise. He lurked outside of their carriage and breathed as heavy as he could.
Draco broke off speaking and turned towards the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "You do know that we can hear you and see you?"
"I'm spying on you," Harry said. He entered the carriage and sat down. "Go on, don't mind me."
"Who in Merlin's name would go on talking when they are so plainly being spied upon?" Draco asked. "And what kind of spying is that anyway?"
"The lazy kind," Harry said. He was sure that if he was talking to anyone other than Draco Malfoy, the person would have slapped their hand to their face. Given that he was talking to Draco Malfoy, he was surprised that Draco didn't slap Harry's face instead. Or, no, that would be too Muggle. Draco would curse Harry over anything else.
"Merlin, you really are insane," Pansy said. "We should get going, now that the crowd has lessened."
"Really, I'm kind of disappointed," Harry said. "I thought that you guys were discussing some sort of secret Dark Arts business instead of waiting for the train to be empty. That's so lazy."
"You're not one to talk," Pansy said. "And it's not lazy to want to avoid crowded corridors. Honestly, people get so pushy after long trips like this."
"Can we pretend that you were talking about super secret Slytherin stuff?" Harry asked. "I already know about the Cobra Ritual of Death."
"I have no idea what you are talking about," Draco said.
"You know, the Sly Slytherin Snake Ritual of Death where you slither around until someone dies," Harry said. "Don't you do that every Saturday?"
"There's never been anything like that," Draco said. "Where do you even get this stuff, anyway?"
"I had deep lessons with Professor Snape and he taught me almost everything," Harry said. "Except he never really taught me anything."
"If he didn't teach you anything then he couldn't have taught you everything," Pansy pointed out.
"What's this, now?" Tonks asked as she boarded the train. "Wotcha, Harry."
"Yo," Harry said, holding up a hand.
"Is everything okay here?" Moody asked, his eye whirling around as though there were villains hidden in the empty carriages.
"I was just trying to get the Slytherins to teach me all of the secrets," Harry said. He pouted. "But they wouldn't teach me anything at all."
"Of course not," Pansy said. "Even if we did have sly secrets, we wouldn't go around telling just anyone."
"Then I will switch my mission this year around to becoming a Slytherin," Harry said. "All I need is a disguise. I wonder if they will notice that I'm not 11 years old if I kneel on my shoes."
"I think you could get away as a first year even if you didn't kneel on your shoes," Draco said. "But you'd never be able to get away with not being Harry Potter."
"That's why you should give me the secrets for free," Harry said.
"I refuse to be one of those ordinary people who caters to you," Draco said.
"We're going to miss the carriages if you two keep arguing," Pansy said. She grabbed onto their cloaks and dragged them off of the train. "It was nice to see you," she called back to the two Aurors.
She had been right, however, and they just managed to snag the last thestral drawn carriage, boarding with two second years who stayed silent the whole ride up. Harry wasn't sure if the two Hufflepuffs were scared of the sixth year Slytherins or whether they were awed by his presence, but he didn't worry too much about it. Teasing Draco was a lot more interesting.
Harry split off with the Slytherins as they entered the Great Hall. Since they were among the last of the students to enter the Great Hall, they became the subject of whispers. There were less whispers this year than there would have been the year before. After all, they had already gotten used to Harry doing odd things as well as seeing the Slytherins and the Gryffindors together. At this point the only person that Harry would have thought would be shocked would be Dumbledore, but he didn't seem to notice.
"So how was your spying?" Hermione asked as Harry sat down in between her and Ron.
"I got caught pretty quickly, but they didn't do anything to me," Harry said. "But they also wouldn't teach me the Secret Cobra Ritual of Death."
"Poor you," Ron said, staring down at his plate. "Why isn't there any food yet?"
"We need to wait for the sorting to take place," Hermione said. "And there is no such thing as a secret Cobra Ritual of Death. Even if there was such a thing, it would surely be banned by the Ministry."
"Don't ruin all of my fun," Harry said. "I've decided to become a Slytherin by the end of the year."
"You can't switch Houses," Hermione said. "Now shush, the Sorting is starting."
Harry let the names and faces flow past him. He didn't really care too much about the first years, as they really didn't have anything to do with him. At this point even Hermione and Ron didn't have to worry so much about the first years, but they payed more attention than he did. He just automatically clapped every time they did, until Ron caught on and started clapping at odd times. His friends really had been hanging around him long enough to catch some of the insanity.
Dumbledore stood up at the end of the Sorting and raised both of his hands: one normal flesh tones and the other burnt to a crisp. Harry stared at it and Ron nudged him with his elbow. "Hey, when did that happen?"
"I don't know. He never really said when I saw him over the summer," Harry replied.
"Welcome back to Hogwarts, young and old," Dumbledore said. "I have a couple of staff changes to announce. I'd like to introduce Professor Slughorn, our new Potions professor."
"What?" Harry exclaimed with the rest of the students. He had been sure that Slughorn was going to be their new Defense Against Dark Arts Professor. After all, wasn't that the position left open after Umbridge was driven insane? If Slugworth was the Potions Professor, then who was the Defense Against the Dark Art's teacher?
"Professor Snape will take over the Defense Against Dark Arts position," Dumbledore said.
"No," Harry cried out, long and dramatically. He flopped down onto the table, grateful that the food hadn't appeared yet. "What will I do without Professor Snape as my potions teacher?"
From the glare Snape was giving him, his exclamation had reached the staff table. Harry grinned back at him and Snape went back to ignoring him.
"I have one last change to announce," Dumbledore said. "Taking over from Professor Umbridge, the new Hogwarts Inquisitor is Remus Lupin. I'm sure that some of you remember him as a past Defense Against Dark Arts Professor. Those with worries, feel free to discuss them with your Head of House."
"What?" Ron exclaimed. He grabbed onto Harry's shoulder and shook him. "Did you know about this?"
"Well, I might have pulled some strings," Harry said. "Left some paperwork and all of that. I have a feeling that Fudge doesn't really read what is put in front of him."
"You're dangerous," Hermione said. "But, I suppose this will give us a reprieve from the Ministry."
"This year is going to be fun," Harry said. He turned his attention to the platters on the table. "Let's eat."