Chapter 12
"Hey."
"Hey."
Pretty Smooth right? I mean you couldn't tell that we were nervous at all right? Good.
"What are you doing here Austin?"
The million dollar question, I ask myself. Is really the right time to do this? I mean bloodshed could be split after this. A million other thoughts were coming at me at this moment. And I look in her eyes and for the first time I see for a hundred percent concrete reason why I want to do this. The Ally looking at me right now is the Ally I knew. My Best Friend, Song Writer and Partner. Not to mention she was the girl I fell in love with all those years ago. So I have to try right? Even if it all ends badly and we scream and yell at each other claiming we hated each other and never wanting to see one another again. I have to try. For that girl and for that boy who met all due to a corn dog and drums?
"I am here to talk to you Ally. I figure we need to have a long overdue conversation. Don't you think it is time?"
I can feel the struggle within her from where I am standing. I should it is the same one I am dealing with. Wanting resolution but at the same time afraid that this could very well be the last time we ever saw each other. I can see the fight in her to decide which way and I can see that she is coming to terms with what could happen. But like I remember from Ally all those years ago she wasn't afraid and she proved me right.
"Yeah It Is. Come in Austin." And with those six simple words. I have never been so scared in my life.
I move further in the room looking around, the room looks like the one I have with Dez, but different too. Probably with the girl touches to it. It has been a long time since I was this close of proximity of Ally. I have to say of all the times I pictured Ally and myself in a hotel room it wasn't like this. We were usually in bed having the best sex of our lives. I couldn't help but blush. Being around her always makes me behave like a hormone crazed teenager again. I shake my head there is no times to think about sexy times with Ally like that.
No.
Plus there may never be a time for it to be a reality anyway so I should stop. As I come to the conclusion I couldn't help were my eyes took me, the bra and panties that were on the floor in the bathroom.
Damn it Austin. Not now. Man you really are a whore. I think I am going insane.
"Austin? Are you alright?"
"Yeah I am. Just a bit nervous, you know?" I try and play off as cool, but I guess Ally could still read me perfectly. She smiles at me and I swear the breath leaves my chest.
"Yeah I know what you mean. Would you like anything to drink? I have some Dr. Pepper in the fridge."
"Yeah I will take one." Ally goes grab the soda while I make myself comfortable as I sit down on the edge of what I assume is Trish's bed. As it has her mark all over it. Hope she doesn't mind that a part of her is under Austin's ass. He couldn't help but smirk at that mutter Trish would surely kill him for that.
"Here You Go. Cups and Ice are over on the nightstand if you want." Ally says as she makes her way back over.
"No can is fine." Man I am not surprise the soda didn't slip out of my hands as I was taking it from Ally, My Palms are sweating small rivers here. And don't get me started on how fast my heart is beating. I wouldn't be surprised if I dropped from a heart attack right now.
"So Austin I really haven't seen you since you got out. How are you feeling?" Ally asks. I could feel the tedition coming off her; she wasn't sure how I would react. And honestly I couldn't blame her.
"I'm doing well, the doctors were saying how lucky I was, that nothing more serious happened. I am very lucky to be alive."
Ally smiles.
Damn she really knows how to make breathing hard doesn't she. She is so damn beautiful.
Focus Austin. Focus.
"That is really great to hear Austin. I don't know what I would have done if something happened…" I could hear the tears coming in her voice. I reach over and squeeze her hands. Just to try and calm her.
"I'm fine Als, see I'm right here, and see I am here." I squeeze a little. I give her a small smile.
"Thanks Austin. I guess we should really stop putting this off huh?"
"Yeah I guess we should start."
"How should we do this? Do we just ask questions? Do we just start explain our sides? How do you want to do it?"
And honestly I have no idea.
"I guess we can ask each other questions. We just really need to be truthful."
Ally nods. "You want to go first?"
I couldn't help but nod. Here goes nothing
"Why did you leave and only leave a note for your goodbye? Was I not worth a goodbye in person?" I mutter
Silence
And More Silence.
I am about to speak up to get her to answer, I could start feeling my anger starting to rise, we wanted honesty and she wasn't speaking, then she spoke.
"I know I hurt you when I left. But Austin I had to go, I was suffocating from my stage fright and not following what I wanted. I was tired of being Ally Dawson the invisible girl that was behind the Great Austin Moon."
"I…"
"Please Austin let me finish, please?"
"Go Ahead."
"It wasn't like I didn't enjoy being your songwriter, I did Austin I loved it very much. I just wanted to be able to see if I could do it you know? I wasn't even planning on quitting you. I just wanted to see if I could become something special like you Austin. I was tired of slowly dying on the inside when it felt like everyone was becoming something they were supposed to be you know? Leaving was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. And I knew if I was going to go, I couldn't say goodbye to you in person because I wouldn't have gone. I mean Austin you were my entire world back then. I didn't want to leave you; you have to please believe me when I tell you this. You and Trish and Dez were my family. You guys were my home, but I felt like in order for me to be the person you deserved me to be I had to go and fulfill my dreams." Ally whimpers the last part as the tears become too much and they flow down her face.
My own eyes are sting with my very own tears as well. I could feel the anguish from her words. I could tell that it killed her and I can see that maybe I was a complete jackass for reacting the way I did.
There is no maybe about it.
"Ally, I didn't want you to be anyone but yourself, didn't you believe that when we first became partners? Everything that we went through why would you think that I wanted you to change you were?"
"I didn't mean it like that Austin; I know you wouldn't want me to be something I wasn't. Ugh this isn't coming out right?"
"Just take your time and explain."
"You know when you performed in Times Square? I was never more proud of you then in that moment. And it made me wonders if something like that would happen for me you know? And when you sang that Duet with Jessie? I was...I was..."
"You were what?" Honestly confused about why she was bringing up Jessie, I haven't even thought about her since she left Sonic Boom to go back home. Why would Jessie have anything to do with Ally leaving?
"I was jealous okay! I was jealous that she got to do something with you that I couldn't do without dressing like someone else. And the video for Face to Face was all flirty and I saw how she looked at you and I was jealous."
Ally was Jealous of Jessie? That thought blows Austin's mind like how could she even think of being jealous of Jessie? Austin at the most thought of her as a friend, not even that more of an acquaintance.
"Why were you jealous of someone who we barely met? And I haven't seen her since she went back home after the concert in Miami?"
Ally huffed. Didn't he just hear her? Was he really going to make her say it again? I guess so.
"I told you I saw how she was looking at you and you were being flirty with her in the video and ugh god I can't believe I am saying this. But we promised nothing but honesty didn't we?"
Austin Nods his head.
"Fine, Austin I was jealous of her because I wanted to be the one you were singing that duet with. I wanted to be strong enough to finally be able to sing with you on stage and be me Ally Dawson and not have people think I am Taylor Swift. I just wanted to be able to share something with you like that and as much as I loved our song writing process, it slowly wasn't becoming enough for me. So I wanted to get over my stage fright and the only way for me to do that was to go to MUNY. I couldn't say goodbye to you in person because of my feelings for you Austin. I just couldn't do it."
It is official.
My world has been turned upside down and we just got into this whole conversation. Ally had feeling for me? She left because she wanted to not only go after her dreams but she wanted to share it with me? Oh God what have I done?
"Look Austin I am so sorry for hurting you. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I was planning on continuing on as part of the team..."
"When I fired you."
"Yeah."
I guess it is my turn to explain what caused me to do that.
"Listen Ally I first of wanted to apologize to you. I have been such a jackass since you left. I let my hurt feelings take over and turned me into a bitter person. I don't know were to start really, but maybe the beginning?"
Ally nods and smiles, "That is usually the way to go."
I couldn't help but smile. That was my Ally.
"Okay then. After I got you letter I was shocked that you would leave like that you know? So I took off to Sonic Boom, running the way there because I couldn't wait. I was hoping that it was a sick joke and that you would still be there behind the counter. When I came busting in, I saw Dez and Trish and I knew. You were gone. I just felt broken in that moment; I couldn't really believe that you left. I know I didn't really say anything too much about it, but I figured I would be the one to leave Miami first. I know that sounds selfish and what can I say except I am a selfish person Als and nobody knows that better then you."
"Austin..."
"No Ally it's true, and you know it. Please let me finish this all at once, I know we were going to take turns but I have to do this now or I probably will be too chicken to finish."
Ally nods, telling me to go on.
"I thought I would be the first one to leave, you know to go on tour? I never thought that you would leave me mean you almost did months prior but you stayed and i thought nothing could break the team up. I mean we were Austin and Ally. And even though I thought I would be the first to leave, I thought we could still be a team, you would still be my best friend and songwriter, I thought we could be unstoppable. So when I realized that you were gone, I just thought of myself of course and I blamed you. I mean how could you leave and not say anything to my face. Wasn't the two years prior nothing to you? But honestly Ally I was mad and hurt about something else altogether."
Ally looks to me with her beautiful eyes and I could get lost for a moment. I shake my head I have to tell her. She has to know.
"I was upset that you left without me telling you that I was in love with you. The old cliché became true after all. I fell for my best friend after repeating that it wouldn't happen to us. But I couldn't help it; you are just an amazing person Ally, Beautiful smart, caring and just a wonderful person. How could I not but fall for you? I spent all that time to try and deny it. I mean you saw the orange tan and the extra sweat right? I didn't want to risk what we had as a partnership and friendship that I denied it. But at that point I couldn't anymore. After the Halloween performance, I wanted nothing but to be with you. But I was scared so I said nothing. And you left."
Tears were sliding down her porcelain face. God she is so beautiful when she cries even. I couldn't help but left my right hand and wipe those tears. Ally is the last person on this planet that deserves to cry.
"Austin..."
"Ally please don't cry, I hate it when you do. Let me finish okay?" She nods. At this rate we will be eighty by the time this is done.
" At first I was just going to take it you know? I just accepted that you were gone. I mean I know Trish and even Dez were devastated you were gone, but it was different for me. It became a physical ache inside me. I couldn't breathe and when I did it hurt. I was beating myself up for not having the courage to tell you how I felt and that it was too late to do anything about it. That is what I thought at first, but an idea came to me. I wanted answers from you Ally, like why did you leave the way you did? I was also going to tell you about my feelings, hoping that would bring you back home. That was when I decided to go to New York."
That part shook Ally out of her thoughts, "You went to New York?"
I shook my head. I came to New York, in hopes to bring you home. So I asked Jimmy if it was possible and he lent me his private jet to come see you. I was never so nervous in my life. I mean I didn't know what to expect, all I knew was that I needed to get to you. So I came up there, I paied off the lady in the lobby to find out your dorm room and I went to find you. I went up there my heart being in my chest. I was about to knock and then I saw something that broke me even more. I saw you with a guy and that was when I knew I lost you."
Ally looks surprised." You came all the way to New York and I didn't even see you? And what Guy Austin?"
"The Guy that was in your room Als, you should know you were there."
"Austin the only guy that has been in my room has been my cousin Tony. No One else has been in my room. That is the guy you must have seen"
Wait.
A Cousin? That lived in New York?
"You have a cousin that I never knew you had?"
"He is on my mom's side of the family, so we didn't see each other much when we were younger. Tony has lived his entire life in the city; he and his family are short on money so they could never fly out to Miami that is why he guys never seen him. You want to know something else? Tony is Jessie's boyfriend. Or I should say fiancé now. But yeah they are together."
"So you didn't have a boyfriend in your room at all or ever?"
"Yes because honestly I never had one in the city Austin, I was too busy at school."
Oh God what did I do. Trish was right I should have stayed and found out then. That means all this mess is on me. I hurt the one person that meant everything to me. I took our partnership and friendship and burned it to the ground all because of my jealously over a guy that turns out to be her cousin. I could feel the bile rising up my throat. I ruined everything. My entire body was starting to shake as I came to the conclusion that this all could have been avoided if I was honest and confronted what was an innocent moment between Ally and her cousin.
The Guy that I was so jealous of? The one where I threw everything away for because I was jealous and too chicken to ask questions. Why am I so freak in dumb? Sobs start to wrack my body and I can see that Ally has no idea what to do; she goes to hug me when I shake my head. I couldn't have her touch me. Because I realized something, Ally said that she didn't have any boyfriends in New York, so she was still pure and innocent. While I decided to become the biggest slut on the planet, I gave my body to so many girls that I lost count.
While Ally was waiting and trying to achieve her dreams in order for us to be something together, I was too busy sleeping and sexing every girl that came in my path. I get up and walk into the bathroom, I can see the look of confusion on Ally's face but I couldn't look at her. I slam the door. Rushing to the toilet I feel the bile come up and I threw up all what was inside. I slide down lying on the bathroom rug, sobs becoming louder and louder. Realizing that even if I wanted to get together with Ally, why would she want to be with used goods like me?
It was official; Ally and I were never going to become anything.