Chapter 17

It wasn't a dream.

They really did make love. And by the feelings in her legs it as multiple times. Ally smiles just thinking about it. Austin was so careful with her, he was tender and loving. The way he placed kisses over her body just makes her realize what a lucky person she is to have Austin in her life. Last night had been incredible, like she said he was tender and loving towards her. There were also other times when it was hard and fast. Man she had wanted him, and she could tell how much he had wanted her. Now could they have waited a longer more? Sure they could have but wouldn't that have been putting themselves on someone else's time table? Ally turns and looks at the man next to her. The peaceful look on Austin's face could make her cry. It was the first time in all these years he looked like the boy she first meet all those years ago in Sonic Boom.

The feeling on containment washes over Ally. She has no regrets over last night. Looking at Austin lying next to her made her realize that she couldn't go on without him in her life. As happy as she is in this moment she can't help but think what will happen when she goes back to New York. And she has to go back; she has only a few more months till May, that is six months till she graduated. She was so close could she really afford to throw that away? And yes she was really contemplating just doing that. Her reunion with Austin was so new, and this whole new romantic aspect of it was definitely new, could she really leave it until she graduated? How could she focus on her studies when she would be thinking about what would happen to her relationship with Austin, when she would be so far away in New York?

And who knows where Austin would be. Would he be here in LA, Would he try and go back to Miami? Who really knows, Guess they should have talked about those things before jumping into bed.

Shut Up Ally. You don't regret this. She would never regret making love to Austin. She knows they could make this work. After all they went through just to let it go know would be an injustice.

She could hear Austin's small snores and it brings a smile to her face. He snore, something so intimate that she now knows about this magnificent man that has held her heart since she was sixteen years old. Her heart tugs a little thinking about how it always seems that her and Austin's relationship always seems to have a test applied to it. Why couldn't things be simple for them for once? Ally snuggles into Austin's chest more and hears his heartbeat. Could she really be apart from this? Could she go without being in his arms for six months? Or not be in his bed for six months?

The honest answer is yes.

She could, And She will have to. Because as much as she loves Austin, she loves her dream just as much. She has been getting more performances at the local clubs and coffee houses and that part of her, the part that loves music and song writing and performing needs to be nurtured as well.

And it was only six months. They could handle that right? Look at how much they have overcome so far. A little time spent apart wouldn't do any harm. This time would be different. It would not be like last time. She would talk with Austin and be honest with him. He would understand that. I mean he would wouldn't he? Plus unlike before, they cemented their connection by making love. They couldn't risk damaging that due to time away from each other. She could actually feel Austin's love and appreciation last night. He whisper sweet nothing into her ear as he made love to her. Promising that they would have forever. They were made for each other.

A connection like that would survive anything.

She knows it will.

Ally sighs, she really should get up. It wasn't like she could go back to sleep with all the thoughts going on in her head. As Ally made herself get out of Austin's arms, surprising to her, he didn't wake up, he mumbled something she couldn't understand but remained asleep. Ally made her way to the bathroom. She really needed a shower, the chlorine of the pool and the humidity wasn't doing her body any favors. Plus she really needs some clarity and a good hot shower usually does that for her.

He could still hear her moans in his sleep. The way she moaned his name as she came became his favorite sound. And to know that he was the one responsible for it made him happy beyond belief.

Austin smiles as he continues to dream about last night. It still amazed him that they finally cemented their connection in the most intimate ways.

It was even better than what he thought it would be. He never had an orgasm that was that overwhelmed his entire body and soul before. He may not have been a virgin technically; last night was the first time he made love. And it was love. For the first time he found out the difference between love making and sex. All the women that he has been with were just that sex, cold callous empty sex. He never felt even of an inch of what he felt with Ally with the other women.

Man he was a lucky guy.

Austin turns over and reaches out to Ally. Feeling the cooled sheets Austin opens his eyes. Ugh she is not here for a second freaking out thinking she took off, Austin felt the panic rising in his chest. This couldn't happen again. Then his brain woke up and he heard the shower.

She was in the shower.

Austin just shook his head. He should have known better. Ally wasn't the one to hit that and run. That was more his style. Or he should say his old style.

He wonders if Ally would like company in that shower, Austin smacks that down. As much as he would love to see a naked Ally under the spray of water, he would let her in peace. If she wanted him in there she would have woken him up. So Austin lies back down putting both hands behind his head and just smiles.

His life is really going amazing right now. He and Ally finally are together and his friendships with Dez and Trish seem to be getting back on track as well. He knows he is lucky man and this time he won't take it for granted. He knows what he could lose and he won't take the chance.

Now he knows that he and Ally will have to face the outside world one of these days. I mean you couldn't stay in bed forever now couldn't you. Austin would love to, but he also is a realistic. There is still the whole subject of Ally going back to MUNY. She graduates in May, Which would be six months away from each other. That is if Ally would even move back to Miami.

The truth of the matter is that he doesn't care if Ally is in New York or not. Austin would go anywhere she was. He wasn't going to make the same mistake that he did in the past. All he knows is that wherever Ally is where he wants to be.

He hears the shower turned off. Ally should be out in a few. Ally is one of the few girls who don't take long when getting ready, she was already gorgeous as it is, and it was one of the many things that he loves about her. Maybe it was time to discuss their plans. He would tell her that whatever she decided he would follow.

The door opens and out walks Ally, she just smiles when she notices Austin.

"Looks like someone finally woke up. You were about to sleep the whole day away."

"Well if you didn't keep me up all night then I wouldn't have slept so long." Austin replies

"Please like I was the only one. Whose name were you moaning over and over?"

Austin blushes. Wow this is a first. Just proves what kind of a woman Ally is to get someone like him to blush.

"That's what I thought." Ally says.

Austin smirks and pulls back the covers "Come back to bed."

"We can't spend all are time in bed you know."

"We can't?"

Ally sighs "No Austin, we can't I don't want this relationship to be nothing but sex you know?"

Austin frowns. Does she think that is all that he wants from her? Austin gets up and goes and finds his boxers. The sight of a naked Austin Moon brings a shade of blush against her cheeks. The man does look damn good naked. Austin slides the boxers on and walks to Ally. Austin leans and places a small peck on her lips and pulls back.

"What we have? Is more than Sex? I love you with everything I am and who I am. I need you to believe that."

Ally looks at Austin concerned. "I know that Austin, why are you saying this."

Austin looks at her.

"I just don't want you to think that I am using you for sex. You mean more to me than any girl that I have ever been with. I know I have a crappy track record with women and the whole sex thing. But please know that I am not doing that with you." Austin says with his eyes almost near tears. The sight breaks Ally's heart.

"Austin I know that. Why are you upset?"

Austin was quiet.

"Was it because of the comment I said about us being sex all the time?"

Austin nods. Afraid of what his voice would sound like.

"Austin I didn't mean anything buy it. I was joking I know we are more than just the physical. I am sorry if I gave you that impression." Ally says as she wraps her arms around his neck. Austin pulls her close, nuzzling his face in her neck. He knows that she didn't mean any harm. But three years of insecurity and using sex to cover it was flooding back.

Why couldn't he let this go?

He has Ally now so he should be fine right?

Why is he letting all this affect him now? With one simple comment that Ally made has turned him into this? As much as he thought he was over this, the feeling of shame and disgust of what he has done is still with him.

But Why?

Austin pulls Ally towards him more holding onto her tight, it was like he was afraid that she was going to disappear if he didn't. And he didn't want that to happen. He pulls back and looks her in the eye. The look of worry and concern on her face just tugs at his heart. It was the reason why he was madly in love with this woman.

"Austin please talk to me."

How could he say this to her? She forgave him! Why couldn't he forgive himself? He promised her that he would move on and let it go. But how can he? He was a complete dirt bag while she was away. He treated women like they were his own personal plaything, and after he was done threw them away like they were trash. And as much as Ally's forgiveness could wipe away all that disgust at himself.

It doesn't.

How could he be so foolish to think that three years of absolute asshat behavior could be wiped clean in what a few days? Because if he was honest with himself he knew that there was a part of him that could still do what he did. He could hurt Ally like he has done so in the past. And that was the last thing that he ever wanted to do. He would rather hurt himself than to ever hurt her.

God couldn't he just rewind the last twenty minutes? Couldn't they just go back to basking in the glow of their love?

That was also another part of the problem. He promised himself that he wouldn't rush into things with Ally. And here what after 24 hours of their talk they have sex? Couldn't he have waited months or even years for it? Yes Ally said she wanted it as much as he did, but the part of him that is insecure and ashamed of, couldn't help but think did he somehow push her into it? I mean from what Ally told him about her life in New York, she was a virgin. And I took her virginity in a matter of hours of being reunited with her. She gave me the most pure gift that any human could give another. And I couldn't do that for her. What she got was someone that used their body to hide the pain.

Maybe he wasn't okay with the fact that he is feeling that Ally is settling for someone who isn't good enough for her. Ally told him over and over last night that he was, and he was starting to believe her. But all but a sentence that she said took that small bit of confidence away.

What the hell was wrong with him? How can he face her and expect her to be with him when he isn't proud of himself. He couldn't at least not right now. It wasn't fair to her, and also it wasn't fair for him. Would he always be like this when the subject of sex came up? He was brought up with the thinking that Sex was a beautiful thing that was to be treasured. And as much as he would love to go on and believe that a beautiful act that they did last night could erase all the things he found disgusting about the very act that he has done with others.

He felt like absolute scum and worthless.

As much as he was looking forward to building a life with Ally, he realizes that he can't. Not right now. Not till he is okay with himself and learns how to forgive himself. Because until then how could Ally really respect him?

And how could he respect himself. He knows she is waiting for him to talk but how can he bring this up without alienating her? Would she say screw it this boy is a lost cause and never look back?

Maybe she was better off. Austin sighs. He knows what he has to do.

"Ally, can we talk? I have something really important to say to you and I want you to listen to me."

Ally mods her head "Sure Austin, You are scaring me now what is it?"

"You must know that you are the love of my life right? That you are the only woman that I ever wanted? Last night was amazing; getting to make love to you was a dream of mine for such a long time. And for it to happen last night was something that I will always treasure."

"Austin you are really starting to scare me. Are you saying you don't want this?" Ally whispers. Tears pooling in her eyes. The last thing I ever want. But I have to be honest.

Austin takes a minute to speak because he couldn't talk right now if he wanted too. His throat was hurting from holding back the tears that were at bay. How could this amazing beautiful woman ever think that he wouldn't want her?

"Ally, you are my entire world. I don't want you to ever doubt that. I love you. I would give my life up for you. I want to be honest with you, what you said about this relationship being all about sex, it stung. Now I know you were joking and didn't mean anything about it, but it brought back my guilt and self-loathing about what I have been doing since we were apart. Now I know I promised you that I wouldn't beat myself up over it anymore. But Ally you said you wanted to be completely honest didn't you? That it would be the only way for us to work?"

Ally nods and answers "Yes."

"Well I want that too. And If I am being honest, I just can't forgive myself so easily. I mean I did awful things, to those other girls I mean I always made sure to be upfront about it but I still treated them like trash. I lost all self-respect for myself I didn't care. I lost the respect of my parents and my friends. I felt like trash Als and I just can't seem to forget that. And to have you forgive me so easily seems so wrong to me. Now I am not blaming you, please don't take it like that but I would have deserved you to tell me to get lost and beat it. You deserve someone who doesn't feel like garbage and that is how I feel. I mean last night I was trying to let it go, because my greatest dream was coming true. Ally can you honestly say that you are absolutely fine with what I have done? I know it must kill you to know I was with other girls. Even if we weren't technically together, we both knew deep down that we had a connection. You waited, and I didn't. And I am having trouble forgiving myself for that."

Ally is crying at this point. I could feel the sobs starting to rack her body, and as much as it kills me to do this, I feel it will only help us in the long run. Because I refuse to give up on her, after last night and this morning. Ally Dawson and I were going to be together. There was no way that I would give up on her after so many years apart. But until I can finally fix what is wrong with me on the inside, Ally and I have to be apart.

"You know Ally just a half hour ago I was thinking about telling you that I would go with you to New York so you can finish MUNY. That wherever you were at is where I wanted to be. I wanted us to be able to go there and live our lives together. And I still want that, I want to be able to have a life with you Ally. But the more I think about it. I think you should go back by yourself. You have to finish your dream and live your life."

"Austin..."

"Ally, god this is killing me inside, I want to be with you so damn bad!" Austin sobs out now, not even trying to hold back the tears.

"Then why are you doing this!" Ally screams. How could he being doing this now when they were so close to their dream?

"Because I fucking love you too much to have you be with me when I feel this crappy about myself! I mean look at me Als! I have no self-respect for myself. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. As much as I would love to have last night be on forever, I can't push these feelings down anymore. I have to fix myself before we can be together. I mean would you be with me when I didn't feel good about myself?"

Ally goes to speak "Yes I would because I would be there to help you."

"I don't want to stop you from living your life Als! Please tell me you understand why I am doing this. Would you want me to be with you if the roles were reverse?"

Ally was silent.

"That's what I thought. Please babe listen to me. I love you. We will be together, I plan on it. In fact I plan on you having my last name and my children. But how can I be a good husband and father if I can't even feel proud of being the man that I am now? This isn't going to be long. You are going to finish school and go get your dream. And I am going to go focus on me and find a way to be someone who can live with his mistakes without feeling this bad about them. I need to atone for what I have done. And once I do that Ally, I don't care where you are on this planet nothing will stop me from coming after you. Please baby tell me you understand this?"

After what seems like an eternity, Ally finally answers "I do. Austin I do. As much as it pains me to say this. But I think you are right, we need this but most important is that you do."

Austin smiles.

"So remember this isn't going to be forever, because we will be forever Soon to be Mrs. Moon."

Ally nods, she cups my face and kisses me. I give everything I have in that kiss. I want to make sure she knows how much I love her. She is everything to me and that this is no way the end to the Austin and Ally story. Just a much needed intermission so they could get their happy ending.

The rest of the day we just held onto each other, cuddling and just being us. We talk, we laugh and we even cry. But the thing is we knew we were going to be fine.

We were Auslly after all.

So the next day I put Ally back on a plane to New York to finish MUNY. We kissed like what seemed forever since we knew it would be a while before we got to do that. Ally looked me in the eyes and we just knew. We were going to be fine. Trish was flying back with her; she was going to stay with her for a while. And I was glad that Ally was going to have a friend there in the city with her. I saw them both walk to the gate and Ally turned around, gave me a brief smile and mouthed I love you.

I say the same. Then she was gone. Dez places his hand on my shoulder and smiles at me.

"Austin you did the right thing. It will be in no time that you guys are together again."

"I know that Dez. I am just going to miss her like crazy."

"Well of course you are, you guys have a love like no other, I mean look at what you guys are overcoming together. It is just amazing."

Austin turns and looks at the boy who has been his best friend since birth almost. "Thanks Dez. You are a best friend like no other."

"I know. Now what do you say buddy that we go catch our plane. Miami is calling us home."

Austin nods. Yeah it is time to go home. Time to go fix himself so he could be reunited with his real home. He takes one last look around at the LA view. This was the place that was supposed to help him achieve his dream, and he had it for a while. Before it all went to hell and he became who he became. He was looking forward to getting out of LA.

Taking a sigh, Austin grabs his carry on and he and Dez make their way to the gate. A few more steps and he will be out of LA. And hopefully soon on his way back to Ally.

AN: Please don't forget to review review review!