Chapter 20
It definitely was the wrong day to get out of bed. Austin should have just pulled the covers over his head and stayed there. After Dez left, Austin showered and changed. He decided a little Halo was in order since he couldn't really remember the last time he played. He played a few games when he got bored. Since it's been a few hours since his last attempt, Austin tried to call Ally again.
Still No Answer.
Austin knew that she was busy back at school. He trusted her completely. All he wanted was to hear her voice.
To try and get rid of these voices that were going on in his head.
When did he get so pathetic? He really did need to grow a pair and man up. But he knows Ally wouldn't call him pathetic, she would have done everything that she could to make him feel better. Austin was going antsy. He was getting really worried now. Ally even when she couldn't answer her phone, always at least texted to let him know that she was busy and she would call later.
He tried calling again.
And Again.
And you guessed it again.
Where was she? And why wasn't she answering her damn phone!
Austin was getting pissed. Ally made a deal about him calling her and here he is and she can't have the decency to answer?
Austin realizing that he needs to calm down, heads out to the beach to cool his head. There has to be a reason why Ally wasn't picking up. He would try later. Austin grabbed his swim wear and head to the beach. It was a beautiful warm day in Miami It was definite perfect beach weather. Austin made his way down to the shore line and threw his things down, spreading his towel down and sat down. Austin looked around the beach was a little packed but nothing too bad.
Now he knows he is being irrational when it comes to Ally. Austin just wanted to hear her voice. It felt like that was the only time that he felt he could hold on to what was left of his sanity. It was crazy he knew that but what could he say he loved the girl. Austin knows that Ally feels the same way about him.
But you know what they say about self-doubt? It was a bitch and it had him firm in her grasp.
If only the younger version can see himself now. He would kick his own ass. Austin used to be so confident, so sure of himself. But know he was lucky if he could go a second without second guessing his self-worth.
Austin just shakes his head. Even on the beach he can't get away from these doubts.
Dez suggested that maybe he should go see someone. A doctor, a shrink.
Austin Moon doesn't do therapy.
If he had any issues he was sure that he could figure out the solutions on his own. He didn't need anyone telling him how to fix it. Austin could do it himself. The first step is to realize you have issues right? Well Austin already knows that he is a screw up. He didn't need to spend money he doesn't have just for someone else to tell him that.
But why was he still feeling like this? Couldn't it ease up by now? It has been weeks since that time in the hotel room with Ally. And after many times of her reassuring him, that she loves him and that what happened doesn't define who he was, why couldn't he let it go?
He knows he made many mistakes and it takes time to correct them, but how could he when others wouldn't let him forget?
That wasn't fair. Austin trashed his life and he treated others cruelly, so he shouldn't be surprised when people weren't letting him off the hook. The self-absorbed Austin would expect people to just forgive him and that be that. But he knows he can't be that way anymore. He has to earn forgiveness. And the first person he has to start with is himself. The only question is could he?
And he doesn't have the answer to that.
Austin just continues to stare out to the water. Those waves feel look how he feels. They are up one minute and then the next comes crashing down.
When did he become such a pathetic excuse of a man?
All those people last night were right. All he does is bring shame and disgust to everyone around him.
Austin shakes his head. What would Ally think if she was here and hearing his thoughts about himself. She was the person that he had hurt the most but yet she was so forgiving. She would not like it at all if she was here. But that was part of the problem. She wasn't here. In fact she hadn't even called back.
Maybe she was sick of him. Ally was always a kind and nice person. Maybe should decide that he was too much baggage for someone who is barely twenty to handle. That the reason why she wasn't answering was that she couldn't bare the fact to tell him to get lost. That he was beyond damaged at this point. And that he could do it on his own. He couldn't blame her if she had. A person could only take so much before they break. He was already broken there was no need to break her.
Austin could feel his throat tighten up. The tears burning his eyes so bad if felt like fire. So much for being a better man. All he was now is a broken man who can't help but cry with regret about his actions.
Austin goes to wipe his eyes before his tears fall. There was no way he was going to let anyone see him like this. He was a grown ass man now. There will be no tears now.
Damn.
Thank God no one seems to pay him any mine. It seems like they don't even want to bother with the washed up pop star. And he couldn't blame them. Hell he is thankful that they don't want to. Austin wouldn't want any of them to see him like this.
It would be so easy to just walk into those waters and let it consume him. To let the tides take him away from everything and everyone that he hurt. From the shame and guilt and disgust that he feels. With a few steps it could all end. No one would have to deal with his sorry ass again.
Dez would miss him. But he wouldn't have to watch his best friend be as broken and shameful as he is now.
Trish. She could possibly miss him. Their new attentive friendship would then be a thing in the past.
Ally. Ally would be pissed and hurt. But then she would have a chance to move on with her life. She didn't need him to drag her down anymore then he already was. Ally would finally have a chance to have a life that didn't include Austin Moon. How great would that be for her? She would cry and yell. She would morn for him, but then she should move on.
That is what Ally Dawson is, and that is the reason why he loves her so damn much.
Austin couldn't help but smile as he remembers the times that he had with Ally. From the first Day in Sonic Boom, about not playing the instruments with corn dogs, to shiny money's river boat. Then to getting signed, and to play in Times Square.
Not to mention to finally having the honor of getting to make love to her, that alone was all he could have ever wished for. The feel of being in her and the feel of her on him was more than anything he could ever ask for.
Wasn't he just being foolish to think that anything would ever work out for them? As much as he wanted to believe what he told Ally, wasn't he just fooling himself? How could she ever want to be with someone like him? He lashed out in the most vicious way that anyone could have. He used Sex as nothing more as a coping mechanism for his own pain. The girls didn't matter only as long as they got in his bed and then get out. The sad truth was he couldn't even remember some of their faces, not to mention their names.
How could Ally be with someone that would use his body like that? She may say that she forgives him, but could she really. Austin took her virginity but she didn't get his. How can anyone be okay with that?
All this pain and shame could finally go away with all but a few steps into the water. They could finally be rid of him once and for all. This could be one final gift for all the people that he cares about.
Austin stands up and inches slowly to the water. This could finally be over once and for all.
Dez walked into the apartment, it took longer than expected. He had hoped he would have been able to hang with Austin today. Dez knows how hard it has been for Austin to be back here in Miami. So he wanted to be here for his buddy. Dez has never been as proud of Austin as he is now. It takes a lot of courage to face up to the mistakes one makes and tries to make up for it. Miami brings back a lot of memories for Austin, A lot good, but most of them bad and Dez knows it hurts Austin to face those.
It was quiet.
Dez had a bad feeling all day, he couldn't put a finger on what it was, and he just knew that he had to get back in a hurry.
He knew that Austin had a rough night last night, if he didn't have to take care of the errands that he had for school, then there was no way Dez would have left Austin.
He really should have stayed.
It was quiet. The TV was off, and the lights were off. It was getting late and the sun was going down.
Where was Austin?
As Dez was about to pick up the phone and call Austin, The door opened. Austin.
"Hey where were you bud?" Dez said as relief washed over him.
Austin looked at Dez and that was when he knew he made the right decision. How could he have been so damn foolish for thinking about committing suicide? How he thought it was the only solution for him. Austin was walking towards the water when he realized he left his phone in his pocket. He felt it go off. He pulled it out. It was a text from Ally.
Ally.
Sorry to miss your call Austin, I left my phone in the room. Just my luck that is when you call. When you get this please call me. I love you, and I miss you.
Love Ally.
Those Thirty eight words was all that it took to for Austin to realize that what he was about to do was stupid and selfish. And permanent.
There was nothing more permanent then death. Just the thought that he was willing to put his friends through that made him sick. How could he get so low and far gone that he thought that suicide was the only way to go?
"I just went out. I had to escape for a while. Sorry I didn't mean to scare you." Austin replied. If you only knew what I was about to do Dez. If you only knew.
"I am sorry I was gone so long, it took longer than expected. So did you get a hold of Ally?"
Austin smiles.
"Yeah I did. She saved me as always."
Dez smiles. "Oh really were you so sad that Ally brought back the happy Austin."
"Look Dez I have something I have to tell you. It's going to be hard but I came to a conclusion today and I want you to know."
So Austin told Dez.
There was shock on Dez's face when he first heard the truth. Shock turned into denial. He couldn't believe that this man, his best friend since kindergarten would ever attempt to kill himself. That was not who Austin Moon was. Denial turned into Anger. How could Austin think about taking his own life and leaving everyone behind? Didn't their words of forgiveness mean anything? Why is he having trouble with accepting their love and support?
There was shouting.
Dez yelling at Austin calling him a selfish bastard that only gave a damn about himself.
Austin yelling back that he knows, but Dez didn't have a clue to how he was feeling.
Dez yelled back that if Austin would open up to him and admit that he needed help then he could have been there to help him.
Dez also accused him of being selfish and a coward, that what would Ally have done if he actually went through with it. Dez saying that Ally deserved better than a little boy who doesn't know how to treat women like Ally with respect. That was when Austin lost it. And Dez was on the receiving end of a right hand punch. Dez took it, and then tackled Austin to the ground, busting their coffee table. Glass everywhere.
They finally stopped after both realizing they were bleeding from the glass and the punches. Dez looked at is friend, Austin his hair muzzled from the fight, his eyes shed of tears and brokenness. The pain nearly engulfed Dez.
There was silence for a while. Either boy didn't know what to say. What could be said that wouldn't start WW3 between them? Not taking it anymore Dez finally broke the silence.
"Austin you need to get some help."
Austin looked up and replied. "I know that's why I am going tomorrow morning to go find a doctor. I need Help Dez. I can't do this on my own anymore."
AN: Now some may say that the chapters with Austin have been repitive and there was a reason for that. Austin has some serious self-esteem issues and depression. He feels really bad about what he did after Ally left and the guilt and the shame is weighing so down on him that he couldn't handle it. I have friends who battle dark depression and they went to a doctor to get help that is part of the reason that inspired this story for me. Now please don't take it like I am tackling this subject lightly. That is not my intention at all.
Are you ready for some good news? Austin officially hit rock bottom at the beach, the only way is up and he will get there. Austin and Ally will get there. I just wanted to make sure Austin would value himself and respect himself to be the man Ally deserves. So please stick with this. It will eventually get better for our favorite couple. It will just take time.
Thanks,
HJ