Chapter 21
Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to tell an outsider your personal business? It pretty much is the most awkward thing that Austin had to do in his life. The first session that He had with Dr. Miller was nothing but silence. It took all his strength just to go to the appointment itself that he just couldn't open up. And the doctor let him. That was the cool thing about Dr. Miller she let him set the pace for the sessions, she told him that she was here for him to be his sounding board, so whatever that he wanted to talk about would stay in these four walls. That she would keep his confidence. And Austin believed her. But it was still hard for him to come to grasps with the fact that he was in therapy. He thought that he could be strong enough to handle this own his own. Despite the facts that his friends were telling him it takes a strong person to admit that they can't do it on his own, that the fact that Austin admitted that he needed help was more strength then all of them combined. What amazed him was how strong and supportive Ally was when he told her. He really shouldn't have been, because that is how Ally always has been. That was one of the hardest calls he had to make.
To let the woman that he was in love with, know that he was at his lowest point and that despite the fact that he wanted to do it on his own, but that he couldn't anymore. That he needed help.
And of course there was the fact that he almost took his own life.
Ally was pissed. Beyond pissed at first actually. She just broke down crying and for a while that was all she did. Austin was trying to sooth her and let her know that it was all on him, that she had no way of knowing. That it wasn't because of her that he wanted to end it. In fact it was because of her that he changed his mind and wanted to get help.
Ally was Austin's guardian angel that she would always do right by him. Ally had saved him, he tried to tell her that, but Ally just couldn't get over the fact that he tried to kill himself.
Why Austin, why did you think that it was okay to try and do what you did? Didn't you know I might as well of died alongside you if you were gone.
Just the mention of Ally dying brought Austin to his knees. His own tears releasing, Austin apologizes over and over again. That he wouldn't try something like that again. He couldn't face not having her in his life at all. That she was the reason that he wanted help. Austin admitted that he was trying to do it on his own so she could be proud of him.
Austin, I don't want you to do it for me. I mean I love you for it, but I need you to do it for you. I mean you have to live with yourself; you have to become happy with yourself again. And the only person that could do that is you.
Silence.
I am sorry that I got upset with you Austin. But just the thought of you thinking that no one would miss you if you were gone, it terrifies me. I spent three years without you. I couldn't imagine what a lifetime would be like. I love you, and I will be with you when you go through these sessions. I love you.
I Love you
I love you
I Love you
Austin just let everything go, sobbing for what seemed like hours, all the while Ally was there to sooth him. How could he ever have thought about not ever seeing her again?
Like he said he was foolish.
Even Trish was upset that he tried to hurt himself, she told him that if he ever tried something like that again, then there would be hell to pay. So after that day Austin set up his appointment with Dr. Miller.
In the six months that he has been coming to the sessions, Austin found himself liking himself a little better with each passing session. The guilt and the shame were still there in pieces, but it wasn't an overwhelming as it was before. It was a release that he wasn't really searching for, or was afraid of. It was about a month into the sessions when Austin was starting to feel a little less weighed down. Austin was starting to realize that it was alright to make mistakes, what it is important is how one learns from them.
And Austin is starting to believe that he is. And all he could think of is that he couldn't wait for Ally to see the changes in him. To know that he doesn't hate himself nearly as much as he once did. She would be happy to know that he was taking this recovery really seriously. He wanted to be better so they can get their future started. Because if he was really honest with himself, Austin was tired of being away from Ally. It seemed that for most of their romantic relationship, they have been apart. They only had a few weeks at most in LA and that was it. The next time that they are together, Austin doesn't plan on being separated ever again. Austin was getting the courage to ask Ally if she maybe wanting to move in together. Either in New York or Miami, or wherever she wanted to live. All Austin knew was that he was tired of being unhappy without Ally.
Ally's Graduation was coming up. Austin was proud of her more then you could imagine. Despite all the angst that their relationship put on her, Ally didn't let that deter her from finally accomplishing her dream. His Ally was about to Graduate from the top music university in the country. He was so dam proud of her. He always knew that Ally could accomplish anything that she set her mind too. And not that is finally becoming reality. He couldn't wait to see her in her cap and gown, to see her walk across the stage and get her degree.
Austin and Dez were going to head up there and be there at her Graduation. Ally didn't have a clue about it; Austin wanted it to be a surprise. Ally wasn't sure if he would be up for it, all she wanted was for him to focus on his sessions and to get better. But how could he not go to her graduation. Austin wouldn't miss it for the world, and he hopes that she wouldn't be too upset with him when he shows up.
Enough Austin.
Ally would not be upset with you; she would love it for you to be there. He could hear it every time that they talked on the phone. She missed him as much as he missed her. Ally deserved to have all her friends up there when she graduates. Plus Dez missed Trish more than he was saying so that was a plus. It was time that Team Austin was reunited for something good instead of something bad.
He was ready for this trip. He needed some time away from Miami. Now don't get Austin wrong, it was getting better, People are actually talking about him and not in a demeaning way either. Sure he still has the occasional hater, but Austin realized that as much as he would like for everyone to like him, there would still be people that wouldn't. That they would still hold his mistakes against him. But Austin couldn't worry about that. He has to live his life the way he needs too and let the cards fall where they will. He was getting to the point were other peoples reaction didn't really matter. If they liked him that was great. If they didn't, well that was too bad but oh well.
But he was glad that for the most part people are starting to not treat him like trash. He can actually go around town and be worry free that he isn't going to get slammed.
The only thing that was still the same was his relationship with his parents. As part of the program that he follows at therapy, Miller wanted Austin to face his mistakes and be truly apologetic to those who were hurt by him. As he was making mends with his friends, the next people he needed to see were his parents.
It didn't go well. The look on his mother's face when she saw him at their doorstep, told him all he needed to know. She still loved him, but she didn't want him around. Looked like disappointment. His father's face was the same. As much as that hurt, Austin didn't let the phase him, he was there to accomplish something and he wasn't going to leave until he did it. So he apologized for his actions, that he knew he hurt them with his words and what he did. That if he could change time back that he would. But he couldn't but he learned his lesson and that he was thoroughly remorseful for what he did. But he also let Mike and Mimi that they were not innocent in all this either. Austin brought up the fact that they were his parents. They gave him life, and they were supposed to love him unconditionally. That parents were more entitled to get upset with their children, but that didn't mean to cut them out of their lives. That when their children are almost near death that they go visit them in the hospital. They were supposed to be there with him even though he turned out to be a disappointment to them both.
Mike started to yell saying that it wasn't their fault. That Austin was a pathetic excuse of a man and that he needed to take responsibility for his actions and not blame other. Mimi agreed.
Austin just stared. He didn't know these people anymore. How could these two be the same parents that raised him? That gave him a good childhood. His mother would make him pancakes whenever he wanted. His father would take him to baseball games on Saturdays. They were a family, a close one at that. How could this have happened? But there was nothing more for Austin to do. He had healing he needed to do, and he couldn't let these two drag him back to the gutter that he was once in. So Austin told his parent's, that he was sorry once again, and thanked them for giving him life and for raising him. That he appreciated the good times they all had and he will always remember those people as his parents and not the two that are standing in front of him now. Austin told them that they wouldn't have to worry about him showing up again. This would be the last time that he would show up on their doorstep, they were no longer family. He was no longer their son and they were no longer his parents. He said he wished them well and he meant that. Austin told them that he will be leaving; he goes to turn and takes one last look at his old childhood home.
There was truly nothing left for him there anymore. And he left.
The next day he heard from Dez, that they shut down the mattress store, and put the house up for sale. They were going to move to Oregon to start fresh.
Like he said, he did wish them well.
Now back to better news. The trip to New York, Ally's graduation was this weekend. Austin and Dez were going to leave tonight so they could get there in time. They were going to drive. It was fine for him; he could use the time to get his thoughts in order. Both the boys were excited to see their girls again.
Austin just smiles. It is amazing to see how far he has come in a matter of months. All he could hope for was that Ally would be proud of him. But importantly Austin was proud of himself a little more each day. And just maybe Austin and Ally can finally start what was always meant to be. A future with both of them together.
Austin just finished another session and he was feeling good. He just arrived back at the apartment and that is where he found Dez.
"What up Dez"
"Hey Austin how did it go today?"
"Good, I mean it is therapy but it went good. Miller thinks the trip will be good for me you know? And I think she is right." Austin smiles.
Dez just smiles thinking it has been a long time since he actually saw a real smile on his friends face, one that wasn't just face trying to hide the pain. This smile was an actual Austin Moon original. He shouldn't be surprise because the smile is because Austin is going to see Ally. And he was happy for his two best friends. This was long overdue for them.
And if Dez was being honest he was excited too.
"So I am packed, and I can tell you are already too, want to leave little bit earlier then plan?"
Austin's smile widens. "I thought toy would never ask. Let's go!"
Hopefully this trip will bring good things. Both of his friends deserve it.
Graduation was this weekend. Four years and her dream is finally going to become realized. Ally Dawson smiled to herself. Not to sound cocky or anything but she was proud of herself. After all the years of pain and sacrifice she finally is graduating. And as happy as she is about it, all she wanted was Austin to be there. Yeah she told him that she wanted him to focus on his recovery and sessions, but she would be lying to herself if she said she didn't want him at all. She missed him like crazy. But the good thing was that she was almost finished with school now and after graduation she was planning on moving back to Miami to be near Austin.
It was time for them to finally have the future that was robbed from them.
But Ally was damn proud of how far Austin has come in his sessions. She could hear the difference in his voice, the despair could still be heard every so often, but not as bad or so heavy as it was before. As much as Ally tried to leave the burden of that off Austin, she realized that only Austin would have to do that. He would be the only one that was capable of getting back to being happy with himself.
It sounded like this Dr. Miller was gods send, and Ally couldn't be any more grateful then she already was. If this doctor could give her back her Austin, then there wouldn't be a price enough that would do justice.
Now all she needed was to get through graduation and then she and Austin could be together again. Just the thought of it brought a smile to her face.
She was excited to get her future started. It was long overdue. If she was honest with herself she was also excited to go back to Miami, it was her only home for so long she was interested in seeing how it was. And plus she was wanting to give the people who were treating Austin bad hell. How dare they treat him the way they have. Haven't they ever made mistakes?
Those people can go suck it for all she cared.
Having enough negativity for the day, Ally shook her head she wasn't going to let that ruin her mood. She was thankful that she was going to graduate and accomplish what she sent out to do. The journey had been long but here she is. She was so thankful to have Trish with her these past months Ally honestly didn't know what she would have done without her.
Trish, Her Dad and her New York Family will be at the ceremony. Tony and she made up a while back after he apologized for insulting Austin. Ally knew he was just being protective and that she may have over reacted a bit by telling him that she wouldn't talk to him anymore. So Ally did the big girl thing and apologized too. But she made it a point to tell Tony that Austin was her family as well and that she wouldn't tolerate any more giving Austin hell. Or they would have to deal with her. Tony smiled and said okay. They have been fine ever since. He and Trish bonded real quick over their love of the city and their insults over Austin.
I could tell they were joking by their faces when I glared.
Tony was even bringing Jessie to the ceremony. In all the years I have been living here I made a point to not run into her. The fact that city was gigantic made it an easy task. Ally knew that she was being irrational about it. But the feeling of Jealousy of her and Austin still was with me after all these years. I mean it was their performance of Face to Face that got me to leave and chase my dreams after all. I knew Austin didn't have any feelings for her, and that she loved Tony. But the flirty nature of the video still pissed me off. How dare she flirt with some other guy when she had a boyfriend?
See irrational.
But she made Tony happy so who am I to say she couldn't come. I mean she also did manage to save Austin from getting him to perform that night. So she couldn't be a total bitch right?
Damn Ally. Jealousy doesn't look good on you.
Ally sighed. Enough of this melodrama. She was about to meet Trish for an afternoon of shopping for a dress for the ceremony.
And all she really wanted was Austin.