Dear Readers,
Yes, it is I again. Professor Snape, the Potions master. The old coot widely known as Dumbledore has forced me to continue this pointless "advice" column. Hopefully, there shall be several opportunities to humiliate students through this bothersome thing. Now, the "Ask Snape". All these questions have been either owled directly to me, or submitted in reviews of this column. My bothersome scribe Moz would like me to explain that as this was originally published in The Quibbler, the questions that were submitted as reviews to this column came from there.
Drear Professor Snape,
Don't take this the wrong way but, DO YOU EVER WASH YOUR HAIR?
Sincerely,
A griffindor 6th year
Dear Griffindor,
Oh, dear. In Gryffindor and you can't spell your house's name! For shame. And why did you begin the letter with "drear"? You Gryffindors are all numb-skulls. As for the question, yes, I do indeed wash my hair. I would tell you why it's oily, but I don't answer to young children.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Snape,
One of my friends likes a certain teacher. She can't stop staring at him during class and always misses the instructions. Lately she's been talking about stalking him in the dungeons and after curfew. How can I convince her this is a BAD idea, because he's a snarky git to everyone except his house?
Sincerely,
Concerned 'Puff
Dear Concerned,
The simple answer is, you can't. For, you see, this is a very good idea your friend has had. Stalking said teacher is certain to win his affections and win her good grades in Potions class! However, if you meddle and try to destroy her chances with said teacher, you shall be forced to repeat Potions class due to failing it. Again... and again... and again. And neither of us want that, now do we?
Sincerely,
Professor Snape.
Dear Professor Snape,
Rumors around the common house say Hermione Granger has a crush on you. Is this true?
Sincerely,
Confuzzled Gryffindor
Dear Confuzzled,
What exactly is a "common house"? Is it similar to a common room? As for your question, unless Miss Granger has suddenly joined Hufflepuff, no.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
What is the best technique to use to forget something extremely disturbing. I've just witnessed Mr. Hagrid and Professor McGonnagal, both severly inebriated, stumble towards his hut while sharing a drunken kiss. I would like to be obliviated but I trust no one enough to do it. Any suggestions?
From 'Traumatized Ravenclaw'
P.S. Did you just proposition yourself to 'Confused Hufflepuff'? I mean, she/he clearly is infatuated with you and you invite him/her to come down to the dungeons and show them how Slytherin's 'rock'! Clearly thats and innuendo, unless I missed something...?
Dear Traumatised,
Hmm, this is a tricky situation. I think the best thing to do is to tell everyone you know all about this... incident. Mention it- loudly- in front of the entire staff. The more people you tell, the less horrified you will be by this tragic incident. Feel free to embellish the details. You've made a great start by getting it published in this article, but tell everyone. And Minerva, congratulations on your recent drunken relationship! I'm glad to see you're finally getting over Dumbledore. You and Hagrid will have loud, ugly babies.
Sincerely,
Proffessor Snape
P.S.- Yes, yes I did. Thank you for picking up on that. Feel free to join us after hours tonight! See, I just propositioned myself to you, too.
Snivellous,
Please don't take this the wrong way but were you emo as a child? Because black really doesn't suit you, makes your skin WAY paler, and why do you have such a fear of soap suds? Plus I'm really curious about your hatred of all Gryffindors, they wouldn't hate you so much if you weren't... you.
~Padfoot
Dear Stupid Idiotic Whiny Wimpy Numb-Skulled Thick-Headed Jerk Who Helped Kill Lily Evans and James Potter,
No, I was not "emo" as a child, and still am not. I'm in eternal mourning. There's a difference, stupid. And I do not fear soap suds. And I don't hate all Gryffindors. Only awful, stupid, moronic, nasty, cruel, slimy ones like you, you piece of filth! You disgust me.
Sincerely,
Someone Who Didn't Get Everything Handed To Them And Who Karma Was Really A Jerk To But Who Still Came Out A Good Person Who Has Actual Feelings, Not Just Stupidity
Dear Professor Snape,
Are you Jewish? I have to say that lovely schnoz you have is very foretelling.
Sincerely,
That Jewish Slytherin
P.S. It's a very handsome feature, don't let anyone tell you otherwise; they're just jealous.
Dear Jewish,
No, I am not Jewish. I shun all forms of religion and all its hypocrisy. I do appreciate the comments about my nose, though.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
If you were allowed to kill Harry Potter, aka 'the brat who wouldn't die', how would you do it?
Signed,
Dragon MoonX
Dear Dragon,
I would begin by tying him up. Then I would share many juicy details of every wrong thing his germ of a father ever did. By this point he would be getting on my nerves, so I would tape his mouth closed. After this point, I would untie one of his hands and use the Imperious Curse on him to make him slap himself. After that, I would use the Imperious Curse to make him re-tie himself! After that, I would use the Cruciatcus Curse to torture him to insanity, all the while mocking him and his father. After I had done this, I would grate hi into tiny pieces and use the tiny bits of Harry Shreds as flour and make myself a nice soufflé. After the soufflé had been cooked, I would use this glorious opportunity to eat said soufflé in celebration of his painful demise.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
Have you ever thought of finding a girlfriend? I know Lily was the one you always loved, but you are so sexy that it would be easy for you to find a new lady if you tried. I for one love your sexy voice and beautiful hair. You could always give me a try if you want.
Love,
Silver Star
Dear Silver,
That's... quite creepy, actually. In addition, I do have a girlfriend. Confused Hufflepuff, remember? Merlin, where have you been for the past twenty minutes?
Sincerely
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
I am thinking of joining the Dark Lord because he is completely dishy. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think my boyfriend will pay more attention if I take the dark mark?
Love,
Flower in Slytherin
Dear Flower,
To be honest Pansy, I think your boyfriend would pay more attention if you were male. No, I am not suggesting you take a potion! As for the Dark Lord thing, I think you would be far happier as a Voldemort Fan Girl. Allow me to direct your attention to this song.
http:/ www. youtube. com/ watch? v=Qce -R2Gr OwU &feature =related
No spaces.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
Greetings, Professor. I was wondering if you ever caught the Dark Lord in any sort of embarassing situation. You know, something funny that you really wanted to laugh over and tell the other Death Eaters about, but you couldn't because you knew that the Dark Lord would kill you if you ever told anyone. That sort of thing.
Sincerely,
Ice Water Moon
Dear Ice,
Yes, yes I have. Once I went to inform him that Bellatrix had spent the entire Death Eater funding buying novelty socks. When I got there he was wearing pink, purple, and green spandex covered in sequins dancing and singing along to Dancing Queen. The Mini Pop Kids cover version. And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I heard the Telettubies theme song blasting from the TV. He turned off the CD, sat down cross-legged, and began bobbing his head back and forth singing "Tinky Winky, Dipsy, LaLa, Po! Tellettubies say 'Hello!'" Needless to say, I slowly backed away. He didn't see me.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape.