Dear Readers,
Yes, that crazy old bat is forcing me through this awful little column with your insignificant problems yet again. My overly loud scribe Moz wishes for me to explain that this is the first chapter of Ask Snape that was not previously published in The Quibbler.
To my dear professor who I hope will take absolutely no offense to this,
PEOPLE KEEP SAYING I'M A SLYTHERIN! Ever since I was five, and everyone saw the first movie, people have been saying I should be in Slytherin. I mean, I'm quite proud that I'm ambitious and cunning, but you must realize what that house connotes these days! Whenever my friends and family go "You? You'd be a Slytherin" it seems like they're saying "I really wouldn't be surprised if you joined He Who Shall Not Be Named." I've tried suggesting other houses like me being in Ravenclaw because I'm usually the smart one, or Hufflepuff because loyalty is everything to me, but they just stick with their decision. And don't even get me started on if I say Gryffindor. I mean, of course, let's all just laugh at the girl who's afraid of her own shadow instead of support her in her effort to learn to be brave, right? See, know not all Slytherins are bad, and I know you're one of the good ones, but I can't shake the feeling they are insulting me. I guess I don't have a specific question, per say, but what should I do? Like, should I just accept my fate and embrace all the good qualities of Slytherin? Should I keep trying to change their minds? Should I yell at them for it and risk cementing their opinions of me? Should I just shut up and not let it bother me? This has been going on for ten years now, and when we watched an HP marathon today and both my parents said I was just like Draco, I couldn't take it anymore!
Sincerely,
Why did Harry get out of Slytherin just by asking some stupid hat...a.k.a Em
Dear Em,
Ah, the pains of Slytherin-ism. It's both a blessing and a curse. I feel that you should embrace who you are- yes, hold onto that. I'll never say it again. If you're ambitious and cunning, be proud of it! Never mind whether or not your family and friends have faith in you. YOU need to have faith in you.
...Oh, Godric Gryffindor, Moz's odd thought patterns are becoming contagious! Oh, wait, what's this? You seem to have commented again. Let's see what you have to say...
Ok. Ok, now that was hurtful! I just called one of my friends to see if she agrees with everyone else. She said I wouldn't be put in Slytherin, so I happily asked her which house she thought I'd be put in. She said the nut house. Sitting in a corner. Going "happy thoughts, happy world; happy thoughts, happy world" over and over. Friends. Who needs 'em?
I agree! Friends. They're for losers. Ah, joy, now Moz is crying. Moz, you are my employee, NOT my friend! Be strong, Em my child. You're worth more than your cruel, insensitive friend.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
Last year I came out to my father and mother as a lesbian. My parents couldn't accept me so they threw me out. Since then, for every holiday I have been living on the edge of the Forbidden Forest rather than admit what happened.
But I think I am ready to admit it now. What do you think the Headmaster and you all will be able to do to help me? What will my punishment be for being in the Forbidden Forest, an out of bounds area?
Thanks for all your help
A homeless Ravenclaw
Dear Homeless,
Ah, what a difficuly situation. I am quite certain Dumbledore will be most sympathetic. Let me tell you, his relationship with Gilderoy Lockhart? Not platonic. Not at all. Gilderoy will deny this, but in his Hogwarts day he was a member of the Hogwarts branch of the S.G.L.W.(Society of Gay and Lesbian Wizards). Madame Hooch will also be helpful.
You will likely get off relatively scotch-free, as you had nowhere else to go. Dumbledore will be very helpful, I assure you. If telling him doesn't work out, try contacting your local S.G.L.W. They'll be glad to help.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
In order to decide on your offer to come down to the dungeons, I have determined I must assess the 'size' of your proposition. Furthermore, is 'Confused Hufflepuff' accepting of this idea? I look forward to seeing if you are as intellectually stimulating in person as you are in our correspondence through letters.
Sincerely,
Formerly 'Traumatized Ravenclaw'
Dear Formerly,
Lovely. Now I have to make this Third Years and up instead of Appropriate For First Years. Thank you so much. Now fewer people can submit questions.
Confused Hufflepuff will do as I tell her. S/he'd be fine with you, me, Hagrid, and Bellatrix Lestrange so long as I was there.
My proposition is perfectly acceptable, thank you.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Severus,
Multiple students have spread rumours about me that I am a lesbian. Although this is true, I would like it to stop. I have tried taking house points and detention, but they have not stopped. What do you suggest I do?
Sincerly
AQueerQuidditchWitch
Dear AQQW,
By mutiple students I assume you mean Severus Snape?
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
P.S.- We all know the "rumors" are true.
Dear Professor Snape,
I am having trouble with my grades in potions. The main problem is a certain oily haired, silky voiced, cold dark mean sexy teacher, with black eyes that peirce and naw into my soul, and who sometimes scares the heck outta me(Maybe you know him?). I was wondering how I would approach, said Teacher, and ask him for some...extra credit. (Wink,Wink)
Sincerely,
NOT RAULA
Dear Raula,
Honestly, before this column I had no idea how desired I was!
Come on down to the dungeons after curfew. Confused, Traumatised, and I will be waiting for you.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Snipe-er, Snape,
thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I have a few questions for you. One, if you're not emo, then are you goth? Or maybe a gothic emo? I would also like to know...what is the most embarrassing thing Lily ever did with you around? Did you stalk Lily on her first date? And my final question before I must end this letter is...why is your hair so long? Okay, I'm done questioning you! Are you happy? Haha! That was another question! :D bye bye!
From,
Curious Witch Princess of Awesomeness from Ravenclaw
Dear Curious,
Again, eternal mourning! Not goth, not emo, not gothic emo!
Lily? She is perfect, and couldn't do something embarrassing if she tried! Of course, she could do anything she wanted to, so she could be embarrassing, but...
Okay, once she picked her nose and ate it when she thought I wasn't looking.
HA, POTTER! YOUR FAMILY ISN'T SO PERFECT NOW, NOW IS IT?
I did not STALK her. I FOLLOWED her, for her own protection. James might have hurt her. Of course, she saw me and slapped me.
My hair is long because in mourning, you do not cut your hair. It was long when I was a teen because... it was a different time. Mullets were cool.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Snape,
Your music video reccomendation is the best thing that you have ever done for anyone.
Are you familiar with "Look At Me" by RiddleTM? Or Snape vs. Snape?
Sincerely,
WrockHead
Dear Wrock,
Wonderful, this cursed column has made me be HELPFUL! Dumbles, you will pay.
No, I have not heard of Look At Me. But Snape vs. Snape is my ringtone.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
Have you ever entered a room with the phrase 'what the devil is going on here' or said 'thats absurd'. Also, have you ever slept in a coffin or had cookies for breakfast? And why haven't you added me as your facebook friend?
Hugs and butterfly kisses, your Draco.
Nah, just kidding. I ain't Draco! :D
Sincerly,
SlytherinInLoveWithAVPM
Dear AVPM,
Go home, terrorist.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
I speak Spanish, so I apologize if there are any mistakes here in my question. I was wondering if you ever cared about Harry Potter. It seems you hate him, but there are some rumourse I've been hearing (and reading too) that say that you have secret crush on The Boy Who Lived. Is it true?
And...why is your hair so oily? And why do you like Defence Against the Dark Arts that much?
Sincerely,
Lobo de Fuego
Dear Lobo,
Huh. Are you a transfer? I wasn't aware anyone at Hogwarts was spoke Spanish.
*shudders at the thought of Snarry* WHAT GOES ON IN YOU PEOPLE'S SICK, TWISTED MINDS?
Ah, being a teenager. Worst six years of my life.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
P.S.- 1, that's on a need-to-know basis. 2, I love DADA because I love DA. Simple as that.
Dear Professor Snape,
I was just wondering if you ever wear any clothing that isn't black. Do you wear black pajamas to bed? Is your underwear black to match your clothes? Sorry if that last bit was too personal.
Sincerely,
Ice Water Moon
Dear Ice,
I don't believe in bed, all my clothing is black, and do they even MAKE underwear in any other color?
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
I have two questions for you today.
you ever owned a house elf?
form would a boggart have if you encountered one?
Sincerely,
Dragon MoonX
Dear Dragon,
1. No I have not. But not due to Granger's ridiculus notions about "equality" and "fairness". They're just to cursedly annoying.
2. I'm just going to go with the cop-out answer, since I don't feel like publishing it. I see myself holding a pair of thick woolen socks.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
If you were Headmaster of Hogwarts for real, without a Dark Lord or a two-dimensional Gryffindor pouf breathing down your neck, what changes would you make? You know, firing teachers, changing the curriculum, raising academic standards, tightening up discipline of pranksters, bullies, and other Gryffindors, and generally dragging that antique institution at least partway into the twentieth century. I assume Sybill Trelawney's days would be numbered. And do kids really need five years of Herbology, or is that just a way to avoid having to hire a gardening staff?
Dear... You don't include your name. Or whom you are addressing. Work on this.
I'd immediatly fire that Trelawney woman. First thing I'd even think about. I'd also fire the midget. His voice is just so... squeaky! It annoys me. Bullies and pranksters get expelled after three offenses. Their detentions are pathetic. Ghost can find a new place to haunt. The students do NOT need Herbology beyond third year, and divination is an utter waste. I'd teach them more about basic math and science, as well as Muggle devices such as automobiles, computers, and televisions. They need to know how to survive in the Muggle world, just in case. And math is never unneccesary. Also, dark arts would be studied more carefully, and good grades would be more difficult to get.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
P.S.- My scribe Moz wants me to include this. She adores you and your hilarious reviews, and you are one of her main role models. She has long awaited the day you reviewed one of her stories. She, embarrassinly, actually cried with joy when she saw you asked a question.
Dear Professor Snape,
What do you mean where have I been the last twenty minutes? Where have YOU been all of my life? You proposition yourself to that Hufflepuff girl, and yet you won't let someone like me into your life? I think you're the most intelligent, handsome, and sophisticated man I've ever laid eyes on. I understand the subtle beauty of the Dark Arts, as well as the fine art of potion making. My dear sexy little half-blood prince, don't you think we'd make a charming couple?
Still loving you,
Silver Star
Dear Silver,
...I will not dignify that with a response.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Severus,
I was wondering what you did to my last batch of Wolfsbane Potion, because drinking it caused all of my fur to fall out during my last transformation. Tonks had to resort to putting a large doggie sweater on me to keep me from freezing to death. So I'm wondering what you did and if it was a joke, because I do not find it funny at all.
Sincerely,
Remus Lupin
Dear Remus,
Tsk, tsk, not very good at keeping the whole "werewolf" thing quiet, are we? I mean, this must be during third year, right? I wasn't making your potion when Tonks and you were a couple. Re-read the books, my dear.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor,
I was wondering if you have ever met a Slytherin you didn't like? In addition, I was hoping you could tell me if you've ever seen someone with an apparent crush on you. (Not that I can understand why anyone would...) Also, as "Confuzzled Gryffindor" pointed out, does Hermione Granger have a crush on you? Quite juicy if she did. Perfect for my section in the Daily- Oops, getting off track here.
Sincerely,
Not Rita Skeeter
Dear Rita,
Honestly, sweetheart, you are not good at going undercover. Read earlier in my column for details about my many love affairs. None of which involved Hermione Granger.
And Rita, apparently if you were a Hogwarts student between the ages of 12-15, you would have a crush on me. That's one thing this column as taught.
I love Slytherins, every last one.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Gorgeous,
Are you sure that you and Sirius were never ... a little bit more than friends (if you get my drift)?
P.S - Are you going to proposition yourself to me? Please, oh please, oh please?
Love,
XxXRegretXxX
Dear Regret,
NEVER! I am horrified at the thought.
And fine, I'll proposition myself to you as well, but only because Moz says you're her "BOAFEIEBITE", whatever that means.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
P.S.- Is Professor Snape really that hard to type? No it isn't.
Dear Sev,
As you know, there are way too many annoying people in the world. As a result, I have decided to do us all a favor and get rid of a few of them. Any suggestions of who to start with and how to make it look like an accident?
Also, did you know Malfoy insults Harry's mother on a regular basis? The word "Mudblood" comes up quite often while he's doing this too. Did you know?
Sincerely,
Slytherin Pride
PS: Seriously, Sev? A Hufflepuff as your girlfriend? You could do so much better.
Dear Slytherin,
Begin with Potter. Stab him with an icicle, the weapon will melt and you'll get off scotch-free. Continue this with Lucius, Bellatrix, Dumbledore, and Trelawney.
I did not know that. Were he not my godson and a student here, I would be very angry. Violently so. Maybe it's time I found some icicles...
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
P.S.- Yes, but I've got about five other girl joining us. It'll be extremely enjoyable. Care to join us?
Dear Professor Snape,
Before you realized you loved Lily Evans, what was your patronus? And if you were an animagus, what do you think you would be?
Sincerly,
102 Year Old Person
P.S- Now, I'm not a child. And probably older than you, therefore, you have to answer to me. Why is your hair SO oily?
Dear 102,
I loved Lily from the time I met her. Since I wasn't casting patronuses before Hogwarts, it was always the same. And a tiger, because they're powerful and merciless.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
P.S.- Curses! Fine, at least of I get this out in the open people will stop HARRASSING me about it. I do indeed bathe, but since I work in potions I'm around steaming cauldrons all day. It's a side affect.
Dear Prof Snape,
I'm wondering if you are heterosexual or bi? I know you are probably messing around with that Huffelpuff bitch but what do you think about harry? Maybe all your behaviour is only a camouflage?
But if it's not a camouflage I would be very interested in meeting you private after a potion class.
Sincerely,
Mysterious Slytherin aka What'sthat toyou
Dear Mysterious,
I hate Harry. Fine. Four thirty sharp tomorrow?
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
My question is kind of more like three in one.
1. Can you speak more then one language?
2. do you have a photographic memory?
3. are you an animagus?
Love, Ravenclaw 4th year
Dear Ravenclaw,
1. Yes, I speak 27 fluently.
2. There's no such thing.
3. No I am not.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
What is the square root of 186,826?
Sincerely,
Smarticle
Sorry about saying "common house" in my last review. I meant common room :P.
Dear Smarticle,
432.2337330658032
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
P.S.- You are forgiven