Dear Readers,
You cannot imagine the utter joy I feel. This is lovely, simply lovely. More of this accursed Ask Snape! The pure bliss. Please, please, please stop this cruel insanity! I'm begging, and I rarely beg. Here it goes, I suppose. Please, let this be the last chapter.
Dear Professor Snape,
Since you have no love for Snarry, how do you feel about Drarry? If Harry and Malfoy got together?
Sincerely,
Curious Ravenclaw
Dear Curious,
Oh, dear Merlin, help us. POTTER and my GODSON? Do you people have nothing, NOTHING, better that you can do with your time? It's sad and pathetic to spend your days like this.
Stop crying, Moz. I don't CARE if you think they'd be a cute couple. I don't CARE that there's a song about them snogging in a tree. Oh, shut up. Why are you still my typist? Oh, right, because Dumbledore hired you. Why did he do that? Oh, right, because you bought him a bag of lemon drops.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Proffesor Snape
I really wanted to send a question but i cannot think of any so...
How are you today?
Viper
Dear Viper,
Do you really need to ask? I'm annoyed with classes full of dunderheads, I'm exausted because I cannot sleep, and when I do get a half hour here and there it's plauged with nightmares, I feel nervous about pretending to be evil and hoping that Voldemort won't catch on, I'm filled with regret because I am forced to look at the Potter boy EVERY DAY, I'm full of guilt and remorse over Lily's death...
And you people blame me for being a nasty teacher!
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Hello Professor Snape,
Sorry 'bout that. I guess I got kind of...excited. And "hai" is actually another form of saying hi? Well, if you say hai, it's like your saying it with sort of an accent, instead of it being ordinary and all.."Hi." Isn't it boring?
Is it fun being a professor? Hmm, do you think I should become a professor too? I'd like to teach Arithmancy, but unfortunately I get nervous when I'm handling children. And I find it really annoying when I have to re-explain algebraic expressions more than 2 times to people who seem to have crap for brains. Really gets on my nerves.
P.S: Didn't mean to act creepy and all. Sorry~
- PeanutButterxJelly-shipper
Dear Peanut,
Creepy reviews are the most amusing, I suppose. Hai- I will have to make note of that. Perhaps I can use it at the next Death Eater meeting.
Being a Professor is TORTURE. Pure and utter TORTURE. The ATTITUDE those little brats have!
Being able to study without interuption is a priviledge, an utter priviledge, and those brats brush it off like it's nothing. They are so lucky to be able to spend all their time, or quite a bit of it, working with professors, each of whom is an expert in their field, save Trelawney, who are dedicated to helping them better their magic and improve their skills. And what do they do? Spend classes fidgeting, whispering, staring at the door. It's TORTURE to watch.
I advise you to do something else with your time. You have the world in front of you. Why waste your time on dunderheaded teenagers?
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
P.S.- Credit for pieces of my speech go to moonbird. If you are a fan of mine, read her fanfiction Second Chance A New Choice. It's one of the very few fanfictions about me that I approve of.
Dear Professor Snape,
If you weren't a professor at Hogwarts, what would you be? I'm really curious actually..And, what do the Death Eaters and the Dark Lord do in their spare time? (Besides terrorizing people, that is)
Any hilarious moments or slip-ups?
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I answered what I would be in a previous chapter. It was eventually decided that I would likely re-write the potions textbook. For more details, read the chapter.
The Death Eaters have a vast array of hobbies. Lucius and Bella act like children, Rodulphus gets hexed by Bellatrix when she's bored with making snide comments to Lucius, Lucius runs a spa and beauty salon in the basement of our headquarters, Pettigrew makes sock dolls and cheese, Rodulphus does yo-ypo tricks when Bella is done with him, and we all hold regular board game tournaments. We also occassionally play Truth or Dare, but it never ends well.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
Have you met Scabior?
If so, what do you think of him?
Sincerely,
Dragon MoonX
Dear Dragon,
Nasty, petty, foul-smelling little thing.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
I overheard the some boys conversing about an incident in which they were forced to pick the lock to a cupboard under the stairs so that another could get his trunk. Would you consider it at all normal for a student's relatives to be locking up his school things?
Sincerely, A concerned Hogwarts student.
P.S. I also heard the boys say the student's bedroom door was locked from the outside.
Dear Concerned,
It may be that the student was using his magic things to cause trouble, and the family merely wanted to avoid his expulsion, but the idea that his door was locked from the outside is most troubling.
Perhaps you should speak to the boy's head of house about this? Make sure, though, that you heard correctly and that the boy's were not simply joking around.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
I have two questions
What was the most awkard thing that ever happened to you?
Do you know about Starkid Potter?
Sincerely,Pigfarts Pigfarts Yum Yum Yum.
Dear Pigfarts,
It was awkward watching Lord Voldemort dance to the minipop kids in spandex, but the most awkward thing that ever happened to me was when Bella got decidedly drunk and attempted to seduce me. Sure, she has avoided me since, but I'll never forget that crazed look in her eyes and the way she said my name. The horror.
Yeah, Bellatrix, that's what you get when you doubt MY loyalty to the Dark Lord. I mean, you had good reason to, but even so.
I have indeed heard of Starkid. The musicals were actually quite amusing. I especially loved Mama Umbridge. That alone got me through The Year of Umbridge.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Why must you disobey me Severus?
How dare you tell everyone about my dancing and singing Tellytubbies hobby!
After the next Death Eater meeting you shall be punished!
Oh and would you prefer a banana or a chocolate milkshake for the meeting?
The Dark Lord.
Dear Dark Lord,
I was under strict orders from Dumbledore to not lie about anything. He even made me write with this quill that MAKES you tell the truth. I had no choice!
What, we're out of strawberry? Bellatrix has been eating all the berries again, hasn't she? I suppose I'll have to go with banana.
Sincerely,
Your Servant Severus Snape
Dear Sev,
I've got a couple questions:
1) Why did you call Lily a Mudblood back in your fifth year when she was just trying to help you, hmm?
2) What would you say if I told you I KNEW that Sirius Black did indeed fancy you?
3)Why did you always hurt Neville's feelings? JUST BECAUSE HE'S NOT AS GOOD IN POTIONS AS YOU ARE, DOESN'T MEAN HE'S NOT AN AMAZING PERSON!
And my last question:
4)Have you ever read the fanfiction "My Immortal"? It mentions quite a bit, you know. You're known as "Snap", by the way.
Love you to bits,
ProudGryffinor
P.S Why would in the bloody hell would you go for a Hufflepuff? Everyone knows they're pushovers.
Dear Proud,
1) I suppose YOU never said anything you regret when you were an embarrassed, annoyed teenager, hmm?
2) I imagine I'd say something like "Haven't I been tortured enough?" and then mock Black for the rest of my days.
3) You know, Neville and Potter were born around the same time. If Voldemort had chosen Neville, it would be Alice dead right now. And goodness, when you write in caps you sound like Moz!
4) I have indeed read it. I wish I could say I haven't, but I have. Snap? Really, Tara? REALLY?
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
P.S.- You just answered your own question.
Professor Snape
You seemed to be so delighted by the prospect of more reviews that i knew i had to give one.
1- HOW do you know about Edward Cullen?
2- If you could have three wishes what would they be?
3- You have stated that you are interested in Harry, James, Malefoy Jr or Sirius- But this just BEGS the question- what about Remus Lupin? *laughs evilly*
4- What are you getting Dumbledore for christmas? I wouldn't recomend socks beacause why would he tell dorky Harry what he really saw in the mirror?
5- If you had evidence that Lily's son was being abused would you do anything about it?
Insincerely
Slytherin Chibie
p.s. Chibie means child by the way
Dear Chibie,
Wonderful. You cannot imagine the pure joy I feel.
1- I imagine the same way as you do- I read those awful books.
2- For Lily to be alive and happy, to not have to work for That Man in the Headmaster's Office, and a never-ending Creme Brule.
3- I am not interested in ANY of them! For what, the fourth time, I AM IN ETERNAL MOURNING! You don't date while you're in mourning!
4- I am getting him the one type of candy he cannot stand- licorice wands. DOZENS of them!
5- Of course I would. I would do something if the Orange One were being abused! Child abuse is something even BLACK shouldn't have to suffer. I'd help anyone being abused even if I hated them passionately.
Equally insincerely,
Professor Snape
P.S.- Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating.
A good chapter but the important questions have yet to be asked:
What made you decide to use the word dunderhead and do you have a magical item in the form of a hammer that when you hit someone on the head with it a sqeek or eep sound is made and the person has a dunce cap on with dunderhead on it instead which forces the person to sit in the corner or look at the wall and think about why they are a dunderhead.
Second, how does your robes billow is it a charm or a potion, family magic from the Prince family I must know as its very cool and way better than the Headmaster going twinkle or tinkle if he is far away from the room of requirment or a bathroom.
Third, Do you feel pain when Fawkes sings thus making you dark or evil and have you ever used any part of Fawkes in a potion.
Fourth, If you had a chocolate frog card (and you should) what would it say?
Fifth, Do you have any children people don't know about, I tried asking the Goblins and they swore at me and told me to mind my own business. Are you on good terms with the Goblins and why.
6th, Do you make your own booze or moonshine and if so how many teachers have gone blind or needed the stone from the stomach of a goat to survive.
7th How did you become Draco's Godfather have you been sleeping with his mum? and does Lucius know and watch through a two way mirror?
8th Do you gain any special abilites or magic being the Head of Slytherin like being able to talk to snakes as the Head of Slyerin after Salazar would find life difficult if every password was parsal.
9th Other than the Dark Mark do you have any other ink or body art.?
10. When was the last time you had a hug?
11. Why don't Hogwart's do parents evenings and are you responsible for them not being held.
Sorry for all the questions but I had to know.
Dear Person Who Should Learn To Include Their Name,
I do not, but if you get me one for Christmas you will get O's on every potions test you take for the rest of your life! And I use dunderhead for the same reason you likely use the word stupid or idiot or moron- it's just the word that comes to mind.
Second, they billow because I got swag. I agree about the Headmaster twinkling. Who does he think he is, Edward Cullen 2.0?
Third, I do not feel pain when Fawkes sings, and I have used his feathers in potions more than once.
Fourth, it would say "Severus Snape: Former Hogwarts student, Graduated with straight O's, noted for his revision of many standard potions, his invention of the sectumsempra curse, and for being a double agent and spy for the light side during the Second Wizarding War."
Fifth, I have no children. None. Well, actually, I might have one I know nothing about. I did have a mad game with the ladies back when I was a Death Eater. Heck, I still do! And the goblins adore me. I once made a potion that cured them of a life threatening illness only goblins can get.
6th, I do make my own moonshine, and a total of seventeen teacher have suffered terrible consequences from drinking it. Two also died. They can't hold their liquor like I can, I suppose.
7th, No! Nonononononono! I am merely a friend of the family's. Draco became my godson because- well, who else would they choose, the Notts?
8th, No, you gain no powers, other than the power to expell students and give off an aura of power.
9th, No. No I do not have any other- well, there is that one skull on my chest, but... look, I was confused and lonely and I wanted to seem cool, okay?
10. Er, maybe twenty years ago? Twenty-five?
11. I am responsible. I hate the little brats, but I hate their parents more, especially the ones that glare at me suspiciously. I bought Dumbledore a few hundred lemon drops, and he was putty in my hands.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape