Dear Readers,
SAVE ME! Someone, anyone, help me! Moz is on a sugar rush. She just ate 97 of these Muggle candies she calls "Pixie Stix". I have a feeling this will not end well. She has a wild look in her eyes...
Snapie-kins,
Not the color, silly! The smallest finger on any hand is called the pinky.
Also, darling, please stop blasting The Mudbloods "Pensive Full of Unrequited Love".
You need to move on, sweetheart.
Love,
A Secret Admirer
(Dear Sir - I apologize for my employer. She is... Unwell? At any rate, please give my apologies to Moz for not PMing her back...
I am ever in your service.
T.A.S.E)
Dear Secret,
Shut up.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear T.A.S.E.,
I understand. So is mine. Moz says it's fine, just PM her when you get a chance.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Prof. Snape,
Haha, I read this chapter and I almost fell off my chair when I read the Drarry part. :D
But I agree with Moz that they make a wonderful couple! I suppose I haven't mentioned before that I've heard some disturbing conversations between Harry and Draco; and not with the usual "Pothead" and other nicknames that they call each other... Maybe they're just pretending that they hate each other? :)))) And haven't you considered the fact that Draco doesn't seem to show any interest for his many female admirers?
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
No! No, no, no! Not after all the times I've dragged him back to bed after curfew! His OWN bed, for all you odd people. Not mine. It's very sad that I have to clarify that, but you all have questionable minds. I don't want you getting any ideas.
But Draco would TELL me if he was romantically involved that, that, that... dunderhead! He's me GODSON, for crying out loud!
You truly overheard... no! You simply dislike Draco and are trying to humiliate him publicly. I'll take 50 points from your house for that(unless you are in Slytherin, in which case 50 points to Slytherin for your skillful creative writing).
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor
Why don't you bribe Dumbledore with lemondrops to get out of writing the column?
Have you ever been in a romantic relationship with any of the other teachers? If you had to be in a relationship with one who would it be?
Do you prefer mint or fruity gum?
Sincerely,
Abc
Dear Abc,
Because, my child, Dumbledore loves publicly humiliating people more than he loves lemon drops. Believe me, if I could convince Dumbledore to do anything I liked simply by buying him bags and bags of lemon drops, I'd have another job.
No. No I have not. If I had to... Sybil Trelawney. She barely ever comes down from her drunk and foggy tower. I'd barely ever see her.
I hate gum. It unneccesarily rots your teeth. I am absolutely vigilant about oral health. I brush four times a day, with four different toothpastes, I floss after every meal, and I use mouthwash and whitening strips. My teeth are absolutely sexy.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Severus Snape,
Was Lily Evans your first? ...You KNOW what I'm talking about... ;) *wink wink*
Sincerely, The girl with the purple converse
Dear Purple,
No, no she was not. We never did that. We never even kissed!
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Snape,
I know what you did last summer.
Sincerely, I KNOW.
Dear KNOW,
Ah, how terrifying. You know that I spent the summer brewing potions and reading in my chambers. How scandelous. Call the Daily Prophet.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
What's the worst thing you saw in Harry Potter's mind while you were teaching him occlumency? I'm sure we would ALL love some dirt on that whiney little scrub...
Sincerely, Moxy
P.S.
Tell Moz to put page breaks between responses; its starting to get annoyingly hard to read.
Dear Moxy,
The whiney little scrub has a crush on Cho Chang... or so it is commonly believed. He also had a crush on tht Edward Cullen lookalike, Cedric Diggory. Yes, he had a crush on the resident Huff-n-Puff fairy lord.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
P.S.- She would does put page breaks, but they vanish every time she uploads. Her computer is from the nineties, which may have something to do with it.
Dear Professor Snape,
...What IS that mysterious ticking noise...?
Sincerely, Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The tell-tale heart, of course. What else would it be?
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
You're really right; most students hate school and don't appreciate education anymore nowadays. I'm not saying that I LOVE going to school, but in my country it's very hard to be able to afford good education. I have seen so many children; CHILDREN working and going around the streets, begging for some sickles or even a few knuts just so they can at least have one or two days of education. It's really disappointing. Anyways, I have another question for you...
What kind of music do you like? I mean, everyone likes music, right? Even those who are eternally in mourning or whatever.
Cheers,
PeanutButterxJelly-shipper
Dear Peanut,
You are one of many to ask that question. And by many, I mean two.
I actually quite enjoy musical theatre. It takes one's mind off one's problems.
And ah, life in a developing country. It pains me that the children with an amazing education whine about having to attend classes while the children who want it so desperately cannot have it.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
P.S.- I apologize if you are NOT in a developing country, but that is the general tone I got from your letter.
Hmm...I suppose I did answer my own question about the Hufflepuffs...
Well, here's another couple questions for you to ponder on:
1) If you were to kill Dumbledore, what would be your prefered way of doing it?
2) If you had to chose one of the Marauders to be friends with, who would it be?
3) Did you ever think of going up to Lily and telling her that you loved her? What would you say?
4) Name one time where YOU embarrassed JAMES POTTER, please, in full detail.
Love more then the whole wide world!,
ProudGryffindor
Dear Proud,
I believe you mean THAN, not THEN. Then is used in sentences like "I then walked into the classroom." Than is used in sentences like "I like peanut butter better than cream cheese."
1) I would tie him up and force him to listen to Dumbledore bashing fanfictions for hours and hours until he died of misery and shame.
2) Remus Lupin. He's the only half-decent of the lot. James Potter was a bully, Sirius Black is prejudiced against the majority of Purebloods and against ALL Slytherins simply because his family was the worst of the Slytherin Pureblood lot, and Peter Pettigrew is spineless. Remus Lupin lets himself be walked all over, but he does have something of a mind and isn't so quick to judge.
3) I did often think of doing so. I imagine I'd start with something like "I love you, Lily." I'd likely tell her that I'd always loved her, with all my heart, from the moment I met her, and that I missed her so much I felt like my heart was breaking, and that she was so right and I was so wrong and I was so, so sorry. I would also likelely tell her that I didn't care about the other Slytherins, I only cared about her. Then I'd likely give her a lily. A white Lily-of-the-Valley. They were always her favorite.
4) It was during third year, when James Potter was attempting to ask Lily to Hogsmead. I was annoyed about the fact that he wouldn't leave Lily alone, and was rather upsetting her. At that point, his advances still irritated her. So I simply cast a small charm I'd recently developed as he was walking over to her(the charm was far from complete, and was rather weak at the time, but since I put so much emotion into it, it actually worked. He stumbled over his feet while he was "swaggering" in that awful, arrogant, James Potter way. He attempted to regain balance, but began to skid along the floor, sliding along like... something very slidy. Like a baby going down a very greasy slide. He crashed straight into the table, breaking it, and his face landed in a bowl full of Cream of Wheat. And despite the fact that he had just broken a table and his face was covered in Muggle cereal that Dumbledore had ordered in because Minerva is rather fond of it, he had the nerve to stick his face up out of the bowl and say "Say, Evans, would you like to go to Hogsmead with me?" She replied "No, James Potter, you arrogant prat! I hate you, and besides, I'm going with Severus!" and stalked away. It was the best moment of my life.
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
I feel you will be able to - for lack of better words - sympathise with me. The headmaster annoys the hell out of me! Why on earth would he wait for you to ask to protect the Potter's? He waited until he got something in return! You! The old coot! (I ask you not to question how I know this - I am a Slytherin after all). In 1992 he led us all to believe that we had won the house cup and then switched to Gryffindor's at last minute! Now, I'm not prejudiced against other houses (my sister is a Gryffindor and my brother a Ravenclaw) but COME ON! I want to ask you how you cope with the old fool...I mean, a calming draught? I could whip one up; I got an O for my last potion's exam!
Yours sincerely,
Slytherin OutCast
Dear Slytherin,
I agree with you wholeheartedly. He is extremely bothersome. I know now that he would have protected the Potter's either way, so I sold my soul for nothing. At least, I hope he would have protected the Potters either way. Otherwise, he's far crueller than I thought.
The 1992 House Cup was absolutely petty and cruel. He wanted to take the Slytherins down a peg, but did eleven year old honestly need to be taken down a peg? I saw one of the smaller First Year girls actually sobbing her eyes out. She felt betrayed, tricked, and fooled. And far more upsetting to her than that, she got the feeling that the Headmaster actively disliked all Slytherins. How do I know this? She kept me up until three AM with her crying and ranting. I had to give her a calming draught to avoid her becoming hysterical.
The mad old fool(this is MY advice column, we play by MY rules. Headmaster, nothing!) is quite gullible, though. When he gets too much to bear, I advise you simply pull a Snow White's Stepmother on him and being him a gift of lemon drops that you've secretly coated in a Draught of Living Death. Or simply throw around the name "Gellert Grindlewauld" accompanied by phrases like "teenage romance".
Sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
I wonder if you could tell us about your tastes in music? The Wizarding World has such a small population that it seems to produce few people of real artistic talent, let alone genius, in the arts, but as a half-blood you will be familiar with music considerably beyond the range of Celestina Warbeck and the Weird Sisters.
Do you like classical, jazz, rock? Who are some of your favorite composers and songwriters? I myself am an opera-lover of many years' standing, and often find things in opera that seem to resonate with your own tragic story, particularly in the works of Wagner – but that may cut too close to home for you. You and I are also of the same generation, so we are likely familiar with much of the same popular music. Did you prefer the Beatles or the Stones? Or were they utterly old-fashioned by the time you were a teenager in the Seventies? Perhaps you prefer jazz – though again the blues might be cutting too close.
I am also curious if you are at all musical yourself. Of course you would never perform for dunderheads, but do you play or sing for your own pleasure and comfort, in the privacy of your quarters? Perhaps you express yourself in some other art, such as drawing or writing. Or does the exact and exquisite art of potions-making provide you with all the creative outlet you require?
Respectfully, Very Small Prophet.
Dear Very,
My tastes in music are rather varied. I am a fan of the Who, actually. I do like the Beatles, as well. They were somewhat out-of-date, but I didn't care. I also do like the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow. When my mother and I were the only ones home, she'd often quietly sing bits and pieces of it, and sometimes she'd use it to lull me to sleep. My father, of course, loathed her singing and often told her to shut her mouth.
This will likely surprise you, but I am a fan of Muggle musical theatre. It's entralling, and takes your mind off your many problems. Seussical: The Musical was utter genious. When in a depressed mood, I often listen to dark instrumental songs. When in a more cheerful mood, I play things like Beethoven in the background whilst I read or brew.
I am far from an expert in opera, but what I have seen I do enjoy and feel vaguely reminded of my own life.
I do express myself in several creative ways. The first, of course, is potions making. But I also enjoy composing original songs on violin every now and again, and, if I say so myself, my songs are quite good. I also write poetry. It is often of a darker variety, but occassionally it is almost happy. My poems are about as good as my violin.
Of course, I rarely have time to write songs or poetry, or even read and brew for my own enjoyment with all my teaching, Death Eater meetings, Order meetings, and my spy work for Dumbledore.
Sincerely,
Professor Sn-
Hello, good people! This is no longer Professor Snape speaking! It is I, Moz! I have him bound and gagged in a chair, and I do not intend to let him out or feed him anything but lemon drops until he admits that Draco and Harry belong together! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! How long do you think he'll last? I give him a week, tops! Yeah, Snapie-kinz! You don't mess with Moz! Well, you don't if she's had her Pixie Stix! Now I'm off to eat about a dozen more before regular Moz kicks in and starts feeling guilty! Goodbye to you all, and remember- Drarry forever! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!