Dear Readers,

You know, considering how much you all claim to love me, you'd think at least one of you would have called the aurorers on this little psychopath. She's keeping me half-starved and alone, yet all you do is write me idiotic letters with poor grammar.

Hi! Moz again. Sevvie was being a Grumpy Gus, so I decided to take over. I have lots of good jokes. Okay, here's the first one. Where do you find Dumbledore's Army? Up his sleevy! *hysterical giggles*

I stole the little nutter's laptop while she was giggling. Even I would not subject you to more of that. Here's the first of your dreadful letters, then.

Heya Sevvie?

You die. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . . Saving Harry Potter. How do you feel about that?

If you could change how you die, how would you want to die?

Sincerely,

Person who can't remember what name they gave last time, but for this will be called spoiler.

Dear Spoiler,

You were Stickler.

I feel utterly and totally blissful. Who wouldn't be de-light-ed about dying to save a spoilt little brat they absolutely hate for the sake of a woman who never loved the back on the order's of a manipulative, evil old man?

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Sir Proffesor Snape,

I completely sympathise with you.

I am also a proud half blood - honestly we all may very well have to go into the Muggle world at some point and halfbloods make great er...how shall I phrase it... guides - the know all about the wizarding world AND the muggle world so they get half blood jokes - 'Smurfs are just house elves painted blue' and can explain things to either side. I know it shows your proud of being half a Prince but are you proud of being half muggle? Just in general not because of your Dad? Do you like the muggle world/muggle things? Are you good at muggle science - Chemistry (muggle potions)? You have awesome potion skills by the way. Go easy on Harry will you? You wouldn't want someone judging you because of YOUR Dad, and Lily gave her life for Harry, show him some kindness, for her sake. Same goes for Neville, you used to get bullied, you must know how he feels, his parents got driven insane by Bellatrix - be nice to him, even if its just to get back at Bellatrix. At first I shipped Lily/James - if only becauser Harry had to be born to defeat the Dark Lord (why do you always call him the Dark Lord?) but now I ship you and Lily. Yours is a tradgically romantic story - kind of like Romeo and Juliet (Do you like that play - it IS a PLAY, not a story) - You were her best friend. You fell in love with her. You hid it so she didn't know. You went to school got split up into different houses. One was labled as good. One was labled as evil. You grew apart - a little. You make the biggest mistake of your life (or the best decision ever considering you were crucial to stopping Voldemort) - you join a gang of homicidal psychopaths AKA The Death Eaters – putting you and your best friend on opposite political sides (Romeo and Juliet!). You accidently insult her. You try to get her forgiveness – threatening to sleep outside her common room was so cool and she sort of forgives you but says that because you're in a gang she can't be friends with you. She marries your worst enemy. Her life becomes threatened. You plead with DD (Dumbledore) to save her. She dies anyway – setting of a chain of events that lead to Voldemort's defeat and you dedicate the rest of your life to avenging her and preserving her memory (and eternal mourning (with a bit of fun added in, just to keep yourself alive)). It's awesome. You are now officially one half of a couple that never got to be or ended too soon that everyone wishes had lasted forever (like Romeo and Juliet, Susan and Caspian, Jess and Leslie, Wes and Fred). And sadly though we write many fanfics of your lives working out together they are never truly real and you will never REALLY cannonly be together and it's just a fading dream… BUT WE WILL ALWAYS DREAM! Sorry if the mentions of Lily upset you. Good on you for knowing about Lilies of the valley – they're so beautiful and nobody ever thinks of them, just ordinary lilies. And don't hate Sirius so much – he had a bad childhood too – sympathise, he's just looking out for his GODSON and you have a godson, you must know how that feels. Also Remus is not evil, just because he's a werewolf, he wasn't in on the joke and never meant to almost hurt you – your behaviour in Prisoner of Azkaban was horrible – you lied and Sirius and Remus were INNOCENT! How could you? Do you know what Lily would say to you? – If this hurts your feelings I'm sorry but I had to say it. Some questions:

- Why does everyone think you're a vampire?

- Do you really hate Muggleborns or are you just pretending to hate them to fool Death Eaters?

- Have you ever come close to kissing Lily/ telling her you loved her?

- What's your favourite memory of Lily?

- How may smiles (types of smile) did she have?

- Where do all the guys like you hide?

- Do you believe in love at first sight, true love and soulmates? Was Lily all three for you?

- Do you hate Gryfinndors?

- Do you believe in the ship Gryfinnclaw (Gryfinndor/Ravenclaw)?

- Do you think Slytherin and Gryfinndor were related, as Harry had the cloak and Voldy had the ring (and we know Voldy was related to Slytherin)?

- What colour are Voldemort's pyjamas?

- Why does everyone say Voldermort when it's spelt Voldemort?

- Have you ever spilt soup?

- What colour would you dye your hair?

- If Lily wasn't a red head what would you prefer her to be?

- Do you think it's weird that both James and Harry Potter married redheads – in the book?

- Does Voldemort ever clown hug anyone besides Draco?

- Do you hate Gryfinndors for reminding you of Lily?

- Do you believe in JK?

I always thought you were really cruel but once I learned about all you'd been through I realised how you must feel. You are a good man and if I were Lily I'd love you (that is not proposition). I know you must hate Gryfinndors but I just a normal (sort of) person that ended up there.

PS. Hi Moz, you're awesome, I love pixie sticks too.

PPS. Snape can you keep Hannah Abbot away from Neville – he belongs with Luna!

PPS. Sorry for my really long letter I thought I better get it out in one go so I would not annoy you with a billion letters (no promises I won't)

Hoping you are well (copyright Mafalda Hopkirk),

ProudHalfBloodGryfinndor. (not to be confused with Proud Gryfinndor)

Dear , (Gryffindor, not Gryfinndor)

Yes, I do like being a half-blood well enough. I don't go around boasting about it, but it's not as if I mind. If I did I'd try to cover it up, not adopt the name the Half-Blood Prince. I like come Muggle things, actually. They've had a lot of fantastic ideas, and they have a few people with some actual vocal talent.

Maybe I would be good at Chemistry. Ufortunately, when you go to Hogwarts you cease to learn anything but magic. No math, science, grammar, spelling... absolutely nothing once you turn eleven. Honestly, does no one see what a flawed system this is? And the Purebloods usually don't even get a Muggle basic education. I'm surprised half of them can even write their names.

Yes, but if Neville had been a Half-Blood, Lily would still be alive. Ergo, I hate him. And honestly, I don't know why I'm considered the worst teacher in the history of the world. Yes, I'm nasty to Potter. But some of the time it's for something that he's actually done that's wrong(being late, being rude). And I'm nasty to everyone, not just Potter and Schlongbottom. Yes, I did feed that toad of Schongbottom's that potion. But it's not as if I'd have let it die, that's a lawsuit waiting to happen. I like to think that as Potions master I can make a basic antidote, thank you. Yes, I favour the Slytherins- considering that the rest of the school is prejudiced against them and assumes every last one is a Death Eater is training is that so dreadful. I've never actually hit a student or done anything truly torturous. I've risked life and limb for the Potter boy, so why does everyone act like I'm beating him unconscious, harvesting his organs, boiling them into a nice broth then making him drink it every other day?

I do agree with you there. It was a beautiful story. And that Rowling person, if she even exists, did it in a chapter. That... Sparkle Overlord couldn't manage in four books. (by the way, Susan and Caspian? Really? Methinks you've only seen the movies. Wow. I just said methinks. Then wow. I need some nutritious food. My brain's starting to rot.)

How was I to know they were innocent? I was unconscious the entire time! Look, Sirius Black started out bullying me, not the other way around. He's unforgiving and he's very, very prejudiced. He assumes all Slytherins are evil just because he got stuck with the worst of the lot. If he sympathised with me, I'd sympathise with him. It's a two-way street, people. I admit, my behavior to Lupin could have been better. I suppose it was unkind to tell everyone about his condition. But I'd had a bad day, and honestly the man probably would have- or at least he should have- resigned. Did you not read the bit where he was in full wolf-mode? He was a danger to the students. Fo shizzle. (that was me, Moz. Our Snapie would never say fo shizzle. But I wish he would! Ooh, maybe I'll add that to my list of demands. 1. Drarry love. 2. Fo shizzle.)

-Because I'm so pale, I suppose? I wasn't aware everyone thought I was a vampire.

-Faking it, obviously. Lily was Muggle-born, remember?

-A few times. Once it was snowing, the winter before first year, and we were just lying there catching flakes on out tongues, and I almost told her I loved her. I loved her even then, in a much more childish way. But then she started flailing her arms and legs around and I started laughing. She got very offended after that and said she was making a snow angel. I'm still not certain what that is. It was hilarious, though, watching her jerk her arms and legs around. And many times at Hogwarts, particularly during Third Year, I almost kissed her then became too nervous.

-My favorite? That one is hard. Maybe when she was nine and we went for a walk and found this abandoned house with the biggest, most overgrown garden full of so many flowers. She picked about three dozen of them and had them all in her arms and she looked so pretty and so happy. Or maybe during Christmas break during first year when she insisted of teaching me to ice skate. We went to a lake, us two and that weird little Petunia, that had frozen over, and she held my hands and backed on to the ice and was smiling. Then I fell and she fell and we were kind of tangled up. You'd expect her to throw a hissy fit- she was always a bit dramatic, which was one of the most lovable things about her- but instead she started giggling. Then I started laughing and eventually we were so loud half the lake- it was crowded during the winter, being so smooth and frozen and big- was staring at us. And that weird little Petunia was shaking her head and frowning, but Lily wasn't embarrassed at all.

-About three dozen(all of which had about ten slight variations of their own). The smile she used when she felt stupid, her embarrassed smile, her I'm-annoyed-but-you're-my-friend smile(I rarely saw that one. She usually just said however she felt), her peaceful smile, her what-just-happened-? smile, her sweet smile, her kind of nasty smile(she could be downright frightening at times), her this-is-nice smile, her trying-not-to-laugh smile... I could go on.

-What, the vampire-pale people? Usually ComicCon.

-Not love at first sight. Maybe attration at first sight, or interest at first sight, but you can't love someone when you don't know a thing about them. I believe in true love, love that's good and strong and pure. It depends of what you mean by soulmates. There's no such thing as two people who are made for each other and who just click magically. There'll always be fights and differences and arguements and differing opinions. True love is when you can work around that. I believe that some people do find the person they really belong with, though, and I suppose you could call them soulmates. But if Lily was my soulmate, why did she marry Potter?

-Yes, yes I do. Except for Lily- I believe she always had a little Slytherin in her.

-...The founders, you mean? No, Godric was much too stupid for Rowena. She was blessed with a brain.

-It's possible.

-A pinky orange with green, blue and yellow teddy bears with hot pink bow ties all over them.

-How should I know? I sure don't, and neither does the nutbar I'm being tor

-Probably once or twice when I was young. Most people have at least once.

-Electric purple on one side, lime green on the other.
Please, as if I'd dye my hair.

-I'd love her if she was bald, honestly. I don't care about hair colour, and she'd be beautiful even with my dreadful hair.

-A bit, yes.

-Not as far as I know. If that weren't the first hug he'd ever given it might not have been so awkward.

-And for being snobby, prejudiced, insufferable little prats,

-I'm a J.K. Agnostic. If she's real, though, I hate her for giving me such a dreadful little life.

I'm glad you've come to your senses.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape. (I do like the sir, though)

P.S.- Hi! I love Pixy Stix so very, very much too! See my profile picture? That is my greatest dream!

P.P.S.- I'll see what I can do. Not that I can do much being held hostage in a basement. Oh, and here's something to make you stop thinking Moz is so "awesome". She writes fanfiction where Neville is dating not Hannah, not Luna, but Cedric Diggory. The Huff-and-Puff Fairy Lord. (oh, and to clear up any confusion, I don't mean fairy as a gay slur. I honestly believe the boy has some flower fairy blood in him.

P.P.(P.)S.- Please don't.

Dear Professor Snape,

We have been lucky enough to hear about Gryffindore's potions classes with you, but what about Hufflepuff's classes? What is THE stupidest thing someone has said to you in said class? HAVE you ever used a deadly poison on a student to demonstrate a correct antedote? And(last question) how many times has Dumbledore offered you a lemondrop?

Your... Uummm... ENTERTAINING inquirer,

Lady L. E. Nora

PS: how DO you manage to make such dramatic entrances? Do you PLAN these?

Dear Ladym

Huff-and-Puff. The ONLY house's classes I EVER dread more than Gryffindor's. MORE than once I've SPENT an entire potions CLASS attempting to convince THE HaPFL that vampires do not indeed SPARKLE. And the questions THEY ask. Most of the TIME they can't even specify WHAT they're talking ABOUT. 'That thingy over there by that thingamahbob in the thingymajig...'.

No, of course NOT. As if Dumbledore WOULD let that happen.

Probably ABOUT a billion. Whenever I SEE him. I don't KEEP count.

You're really NOT, actually.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- No, it's just a gift.

Dear severus Tobias (is that your middle name?) Snape, otherwise known as The Half Blood Prince,

TELL-TALE HEART! I love Edgar Allen Poe. And seeing as I'm talking about him, do you think that Edgar Allan Poe is a genius or is he insane?

On the topic of ludisity and smartness, what do you think of Albus in that way? Insane or Genius? I believe I already know your answer, but I would still like one.

Also, I just want to let you know that your responses are amazing, you know. You should be a comedian. I think you would do swell in that profession.

Hm, I was going to say something else, oh yes. In your letters you have many, uh, shall I say inappropriate drifts, and if I were you I would try to limit them.

Also, if you don't want people to send more in, don't remind them by begging them not to.

Is there any chance that you have a hidden talent for Quidditch?

Do you have any strange phobias? (mine is a volleyball flying in the air. Doesnt matter if it's towards me or not, I'll even wince if I'm the one to get the ball in the air.)

The next question is not mine, but rather a friend of mine's (I don't agree with student/teacher relationships, oh. I need to talk to you about that. Well anyway, my friend says, "what abut Ginny? Does she not remind you of Lily (except for the eyes of course) red hair, good at potions, and then falls for a potter. Don't you feel anything towards her?"

Okay. About the student/teacher relationships. I don't care how infatuated a person might be with you. You ate the responsible adult in the situation, and it is your job to turn them down, not egg them on. You could get in serious trouble for that.

Have you ever had a potion go wrong? If yes, how/what happened/when?

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond,

Stickler

P.S. sorry that this is so long

P.P.S. I feel as if i'm missing/ forgetting something

Dear Stickler,

TWO letters at once? Now you're just pushing it.

That is indeed my middle name, but you can call me Professor Snape. Or his majesty.

All the world's geniuses are insane. You can't be one and not be the other. (Albus is the exception. He's plain nutters.)

See above.

I'd 'do swell'(Seriously? Swell? What is this, the mid-fourties?) in anything I set my mind to. I'm fantastic.

I have to respond to what they write. If they ask about something innapropriate, I have to respond. But I don't see all that many having 'innapropriate drifts' aside from the propositioning ones. Maybe I'm just not up to date on current Muggle terms for certain innapropriate things?

They'll remember either way. Moz will mention it if I don't. Perhaps if I plea, though, a few people will take pity on me and not send any more in.

I highly doubt it. Then again, I suppose if I worked I could 'do swell' at it.

Otters absolutely terrify me. Lutraphobiacs, unite!

Maybe I would if she weren't so cursedly annoying. Honestly, she's nothing like Lily. Lily was demanding and dramatic and bossy and unforgiving, but also hilarious and theatrical and creative and kind to animals. She loved flowers and baking and mud and was afraid of catterpilars and always figured the best way to learn to swim was to jump in the deep end, but taught me by walking into the shallow end 'til I was ready for the deep end, and was never, ever willing to agree to disagree. Ginny has red hair and is a Gryffindor and is decent enough at Potions, but she's nothing like Lily, not beyond that.

Fine. You have your opinion, I'll have mine.

Once a potion completely exploded when I was a second year. I was working secretly in the Potions classroom, making a sixth-year potion, when I added just a pinch too much newt's blood. I was covered in polka-dots for a week. Believe me, the 'marauders', as they called themselves, had a wonderful time with that.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

P.S.- You are not forgiven.

P.P.S.- Evidently you did, seeing as you just wrote me again, this time as Spoiler.

Moz, stop being mean to Severus! It makes me want to cry. :( If you starve him to death I'm going to hunt you down and feed you in bits to Crookshanks. . I do love the column though. I've been laughing my head off since I first started reading it. Now, for my letter to the professor. ;)

Oh, reeee-lax. I'll never actually kill him off. Just sort of torture him. He's smart enough to confess his Drarry love before he actually dies.

Dear Professor Snape,

It is not only the Hufflepuffs that fancy you. I am a Ravenclaw and have secretly fancied you for about four years now. Now that you are openly allowing a few of your admirers to come take your mind off things for a few hours I was wondering if you would spare me a few hours one afternoon this week? I'd gladly join you and the others at night after that, but I want you to myself at least once so I can truly shower the object of my long time devotion with the attention he deserves. :D

Sincerely,

Your Devoted Servant

P.S. - Sorry that my letter is continuing this annoyance for you, but I had no other way to contact you. :(

Dear Devoted,

I do like the sound of that... meet me in the astronomy tower this Friday directly after dinner.

P.S.- You are forgiven. Er, :)

Dear Professor Snape

ProudGryffindor is a dunderhead (as should go without saying). You could possibly have been a ballet dancer if you had started training young enough, but you could never be a ballerina because you're male. On the other hand, I think you could be a good country singer. You certainly have the material. "My Honey Done Married a Rich Animagus" or "Let Me Be, Old Man, Let Me Be!" or "Mothers, Don't Let Your Children Grow Up to Be Death Eaters." Being a blues singer would work, too. "Slytherin Blues" or "Melancholy at Hogwarts" or "Manchester Lily" I won't mention the operatic possibilities.

Now for my question: If you were to leave Britain, where would you like to live, and why?

Sincerely,

Very Small Prophet.

Dear Very,

True, true.

Those all sound like fantastic songs, actually. That could just be because Moz's latest way of torturing me when she's too sick to come and do it herself is playing songs by this Muggle singer 'At 'Em Lamb Burt' over and over again, and just about anything sounds better than hearing 'ravage me, take your time, swallow me, glamorize' again and again, though. Even the Weird Sisters are looking good in comparison.

This is Moz again. Ignore him. The lack of food is making him be all confused. He really loved Adam. I mean, how could you not?

Believe me, Moz, it's very easy.

I'd probably live in the Alps. Nice, cool, fresh air, and far fewer pesky children to bother me in my work.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

My dear Sevvie,

Long time, no see, huh? I do hope Moz is all right, or on her way to being okay again. :)

So guess what? Pottermore sorted me into Ravenclaw. Ravenclaw! I never knew I was that smart. :P But for old time's sake, I'm still going to sign off with "ProudGryffinor," because I truly believe I'm still a Gryffindor in my heart. :)

Yellow Submarie, you say? Good, good. I've always loved that one.

On to the questions!:

Do you have a favorite Muggle book? I have two; one's this outta wack book about this geeky kid with Lennon-style glasses that gets sent to this "magic" school with an old guy as the princible or whatever. It's pretty cool, though. You should check it out. My other favorite is The Outsiders. It's amazing. :)

And my last question that I shall squeeze in is this: What's your favorite memory with Lily? Make sure this one's real cute, and makes me wanna go, "Awwww!" :)

Love you, Snapie-poo!

ProudGryffindor

Dear Proud,

She's not very well at the moment, which you'd think would be a pleasant break. But now I'm being tortured with horrendous music. I just can't get a break.

Huh. A Ravenclaw and you didn't even know that only girls can be ballerinas. I mean, I didn't know either, but then I don't claim to be a Ravenclaw.

My favorite books from my childhood were these two books about unloved orphaned girls by Sylvia Cassidy. Lily gave me copies she got for her birthday when we were ten. She said they were stupid and that maybe I could make a bonfire or something(she thought I was some kind of pyromaniac. I have no idea why. I mean, I've always seemed so sane, haven't I?), but I adored them. I also love The Count of Monte Cristo and The Picture of Dorian Gray. I've always pictured Fernand, Danglars and Villeford as looking a lot like Pettigrew, Potter Sr. and Black.

My favorite memory with Lily came right after one of my favorite memories of her. Lily was holding the flowers. A big bee came into the garden and Lily dropped the flowers, grabbed my hand and ran towards the abandoned house. She kicked the door 'til it opened and said we should explore. The place had been nicely sealed up and didn't have any mice or rats, which was nice. There was a room we guessed was a living room, a room with peeling wallpaper and an abolutely enormous window and a kitchen downstairs. Upstairs there was a room we supposed was a bedroom and a smaller room across the hall(Lily thought it was probably a dressing room. I thought it was once a little library). The best part of upstairs was that the ceiling of the bedroom was fake- there was a rope ladder hanging from the ceiling, and Lily insisted on climbing it even though it was frayed. When she got to the top she was able to push up a piece of the ceiling to find a little tiny hidden room. It was only about a foot from floor to ceiling, but two people could lie there. There was also a basement with panneled walls.

Lily loved the place, and even I thought it was pretty cool. It was absolutely grimy, but Lily decided we should fix it up. She snuck cleaning supplies from her home and we scrubbed the place. Then she gave up a little frilly pink table and two chairs set she'd had in her bedroom, and we put it in the room with the large windows. She also bought two little stools at a garage sale with her allowance- she'd been saving it- and we put them in the living room, along with a huge pillow she took from her sister. She also brought a couple of blankets and pillows and an old rug for the bedroom. She also brought snacks for us to keep in the kitched, books and costume jewlery(we never could agree in what that little room was), posters to hang on the walls and board games we kept in the basement. Meanwhile I broke my back taming that little garden, and was even able to find a tire to make a swing out of as well as a few old boards which may or may not have been stolen from a neighbor. She had some of her dad's tools that she leant me, and I made a little platform we could sit on in a tree. We also painted pictures on the walls and tore down that awful wallpaper. One room- the dressing room/library- had a mural, albeit a poorly drawn one, of the two of us standing in front of that house.

It was heaps of work, but we finished a few months before we went to Hogwarts and managed to keep the place an abolute secret. We spent ages there every summer up 'til she stopped being my friend. I don't know what she did after that. I just hope she never brought Potter Sr. there.

Is that awwwww-worthy?

Snapie-poo? Come on, at least add a H to the end of poo! Really, people.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape