Chapter 2
I never have mentioned one thing. I have always had a secret crush on Dave. Ever since I began talking to Dave a lot, I took an interest in him. I doubt that he would feel the same for me. I was always envious of Dave. Everyone admired him, he is beautiful (if that's the right word to use), he was perfect. At times, I even get jealous because of how cool he is. But for me, I was always nerdy.
The first time I sent Dave a picture of myself was a few months ago. He would always joke around on how nerdy I looked, so ironic of him. I've always been jealous of Dave, his ironicness and coolness, though, he can be a nerd like me sometimes. Dave has the perfect hair. His platinum blonde locks, I have always wanted to just run my fingers through them. He has the perfect smile, I only wish he would smile more often, but that would be unironic of him. Dave is just perfect. There is nobody more perfect than him. Even on his Facebook pictures, everybody comments things like "You are lookin' hot. ;)". Each photo has dozens of likes, mostly from girls.
What I love most about Dave is his accent. He has a strong Texan accent. Always uses the word "ain't" and "y'all". It makes me chuckle. He knows the best jokes. He's such a nerd, I don't even know how he can hide it so well.
There was once in my life where I dated Jade. It lasted for almost 6 months. It was a long relationship over the internet. We had always video chatted and laughed about the shittiest things. I loved her very much. But I was the one who broke up with her. I only did it because I had thought she would be happier. I had always fucked things around so, I broke up with her so she wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. It was a hard choice to make, but she understood and we still are best friends.
The worst part about everything is that Dave and Jade aren't at my school. I always have to deal with everyone alone. I was rejected from everybody. Later on, I isolated myself. I didn't have the feel to do anything anymore or to even try. All my energy drained away and left none of it behind. I felt so unwanted. But somewhere inside, it was for the best of me to be this way.
Ever since, I have always thought about suicide. Every day of my life. Each day made me want to do it more than ever. Piece by piece, it was tearing my life apart. I had always thought that no one would care if I committed suicide. People would only care if I was cool and douchey, but that would never happen. Society thinks I am a stupid faggot. But if I commit suicide, society will think I am cool and was someone who didn't deserve the things I am receiving now. Oh how fucked up life is.
Despite from suicide, I do have moments when I am jubilant. It usually happens when I talk to Dave. I have liked Dave for almost seven months. Since I have met him and started talking to him, I knew he was different than everyone else. His personality got to me and I was dragged in. All I wanted was to just be with him but I know that is never bound to happen considering how much of a fag I am.
I have always thought of myself as disgusting. Every single day, I would look in the mirror and see this ugly person. But that ugly person is me. I would look for every imperfection about myself and try to fix every single one of them just to have someone like me for once. To at least impress Dave. But no, my imperfections got to my head and that's the only thing I see of myself. Even if it's one little imperfection, it stands out. That's the only thing I could be focused on.
The worse thing is how my dad would always tell me how handsome I am. I honestly can't see how he would even think that. Maybe he is just blind. Maybe it's because I'm his child. If I wasn't his child, he probably would have thought I was ugly. Or he would just tell me I'm handsome just to make me feel good about myself. I can never believe a compliment he says. It's been like that for years, and I have never believed him.
I have always had this thought, that is someone had to choose between me or someone else. They would never choose me. I'm never important, no one cares. Sad thing is, I sometimes don't think Dave or Jade care either. I'm sure Dave likes someone else, probably someone who is a girl and is hot. Jade doesn't like me anymore since we agreed to just being friends only. It's also been three months since I have broken up with her. I moved on, and I'm sure she has too, considering it has been three whole months.
Life is just so hard. Of course, this is only about the things that are happening now. It's about time for me to start the whole story behind all of this distraught mess.