Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. I don't own Lady Antebellum or their music, and sadly, I don't own Blaine, or Kurt. (Which is probably for the best, all things equal.) No money is being made off of this work. It's a work of fiction, and it's going to potentially contain triggers for all sorts of squicky stuff. So please, if you're easily triggered by mentions of rape, suicide, depression, I won't be at all offended if you go find another story to read. I'd appreciate it, however, if you do read it, please review! The more reviews, the faster I post the next chapter.
Chapter 4 - Blaine, Part 2
Kurt laid down on the bed and waited for Blaine to join him. After popping his iPod into Kurt's stereo, just in case they ended up wanting music, Blaine walked over to the bed. The two cuddled together under the thick, luxurious comforter. "I don't know where to start," Kurt said, looking to Blaine for help, the younger boy's face illuminated in the soft light of the bedside lamp, the only light on in the room.
"Do you want to share the details?" Blaine asked quietly, stroking Kurt's cheek. "It would help me if I knew what you'd gone through."
"I don't know. I don't want you to think less of me for it," Kurt demurred.
"That's never going to happen," Blaine said with a half-smile. "Look, Kurt, I know what you went through was horrible, and I'm sure you don't want to relive it, but I think you need to. At least so I can understand. So I can try to help."
Kurt took a deep breath. "Blaine, another man got me off. My first orgasm not in my sleep wasn't at your hands, or even my own! I really don't think that's something you want to hear the details of."
"How did he do it?" Blaine asked. "I know talking about sex makes you uncomfortable. But it's going to be an elephant in the room until we talk about this."
"He touched me," Kurt said. "Inside. I got hard. And then I came. All over. God, Blaine, it was humiliating! And all the while, he was thrusting, pushing, tearing me apart!" The choked sobs came then as Kurt melted, tears streaming down his cheeks.
Blaine took a deep breath. "Kurt, baby," he whispered, pulling Kurt's head onto his chest. "I have to ask you a question. And I'm not going to be mad at you, no matter the answer, alright?" When Kurt nodded, calming slightly, he continued. "Did it actually feel good, or did you just ejaculate?" he asked.
"I don't know what you mean," Kurt said quietly. He sat up and looked down at Blaine.
"I'm asking if you had an actual orgasm, or if you just ejaculated," Blaine said. "There's a huge difference, you know."
Kurt frowned. "There is?" he asked, showing how sheltered he truly was.
"Yes," Blaine said firmly. "Absolutely! One is something you want, one is something that happens. Your body will get hard, and it'll come, that's involuntary. But the pleasure is entirely separate. Trust me on this. Did you know men can actually ejaculate without having an orgasm?"
"Blaine, I'm getting completely uncomfortable here," Kurt said, bringing his fingers up to his ears. "Please, stop."
Blaine stroked Kurt's hair. "Alright," he said. "But just so you know, I'm certain that's what's happened. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Even if you had felt pleasure, there's still nothing to be ashamed of."
"It hurt," Kurt said. "It hurt so incredibly bad, I thought I was going to die right then and there. I wanted to die, the pain was so bad." He looked across the room, lost in the memories. "He pinned me down, tore off my clothing, and thrust his…himself into me, without any more lubrication than was on the condom he was wearing."
"At least he wore one," Blaine muttered. "But…if he did as much damage as you've said, I don't understand how."
Kurt shuddered. "He penetrated…sodomized me with something else. I don't know what. I didn't want to know. But it was cold, and hard…"
"Dear God!" Blaine exclaimed. "Kurt, I've changed my mind. Get dressed, I'm taking you to the hospital, and now." He jumped up from the bed and began changing back into his clothing, dropping the pajama pants and reaching for his slacks.
Kurt closed his eyes. "Blaine, stop," he said. "I'm not going anywhere tonight. I've dealt with this for six days. Another twelve hours isn't going to make any difference. Put your pajamas back on and come back to bed."
"What else did he do?" Blaine asked. "And don't say nothing, because I know that isn't true. You'll have to tell the doctors tomorrow, so you might as well share it with me tonight so I'm not surprised."
"He threatened to kill me if I didn't let him do to me whatever he wanted," Kurt said quietly. "So I did. I let him do what he wanted. Are you dressed again?"
"Kurt, are your eyes closed?" Blaine asked incredulously. He pulled the pajama pants back on.
"I don't want to see you without your clothes on," Kurt said. "I'm not ready for that."
Blaine walked back to the bed. "I'm dressed," he said. "I'm sorry for upsetting you. I just want to help you. Please, Kurt…let me help you…"
"Just, there's so much more," Kurt sighed. He stood up and pulled off the long-sleeved t-shirt he wore, exposing his chest and abdomen. His bruised chest and abdomen.
Blaine gasped. "Oh, baby," he said softly. "I'll be right back with the arnica." He walked into the bathroom, found the tube of arnica gel, and brought it back. "Will you let me put this on you?" he asked.
Kurt laid down on the bed, shivering slightly. He was stiff as a board, shaking as Blaine sat beside him and opened the tube of pain and inflammation reducing gel. "Thank you," Kurt said.
"Is that a bite mark?" Blaine asked softly, looking at Kurt's shoulder. "My God, what did that man do to you?"
"You don't know what it's like!" Kurt exclaimed. "I was paralyzed with fear. Completely paralyzed! I couldn't stop it from happening, I could do nothing! So helpless. So weak." His words took on a tone of disgust, at himself, at his attacker, at the situation.
"I wish you'd just called me," Blaine murmured, smoothing the gel over the bruises on Kurt's pale body. "I so wish you hadn't chosen to go through this alone. I know why you did it, and again, I'm not mad at you. I just…"
"You're hurting, and it's all my fault," Kurt said. "I'm so sorry, Blaine."
"Stop apologizing, sweetheart," Blaine said, continuing to smooth the gel into the bruises. His only goal was to make Kurt feel better.
And it was working. The gentle massage soothed Kurt until he was nearly drifting off. "Do you have any other questions?" Kurt asked as he roused himself.
"Just one. And this is the only one I'll let you decline to answer," Blaine said, pressing a light kiss to Kurt's shoulder, over the ugly bite-shaped bruise. "How were you going to do it?"
The question required no explanation. Kurt closed his eyes, silently cursing the tears that seeped out onto his cheeks. He rolled over, bracing himself against Blaine as he pulled the shoebox out from under his bed. "It was foolproof," he said quietly. "Sleeping pills, Dramamine, a warm bath, and a razor blade. I would have drifted off to sleep in the warm water, and everything would have been over." Kurt opened the box. "I had everything ready to go. Including our prom picture. Something to focus on as I drifted away."
Blaine nodded, placing his hand over Kurt's to keep the boy from actually opening the box. "It might have been a foolproof plan, but if you ever even try to go through with this, I swear, I will never let you forget it, or live it down."
Kurt actually smiled. "Thank you," he said. "For loving me. For being here. For being you."
"You're my life, my world," Blaine said. "Now let's get your shirt back on before your Dad and Carole come up to check on us." He picked up the shirt and helped Kurt tug it back over his head. "Is there anything else I can do to make you feel better?"
"I need to get up and do my moisturizing routine, but…" his lack of energy was evident.
"Worry not, love," Blaine said gallantly. "I'll bring it to you." He stood and gathered the bottles and pads, as well as a clean washcloth. There were few words between the boys as they cleansed their skin together, with Blaine helping to make sure Kurt got every spec of cleanser off his smooth, delicate skin. "You are so beautiful," he said, pressing a light kiss to Kurt's lips.
Kurt merely smiled. "Blaine, would you mind getting me one more thing?" he asked.
"Not at all, what is it?" he asked, cleaning up from their facials.
"I think I need some extra painkillers tonight," Kurt admitted. "Just a few Tylenol."
Blaine could see how much it took for Kurt to admit the pain he was in. He said nothing, but brought back the pills and a glass of water. He stood by while Kurt swallowed the pills, then crawled back into bed beside him. "Feel better?" he asked.
Kurt nodded and leaned over to turn out the light. "It's only seven o'clock," he said.
"And you've had a rough week," Blaine soothed. "Go to sleep, I'll be here if you need me."
"I'll always need you. Blaine, what did you do this week? While we were apart?" Kurt asked sleepily, snuggling into his boyfriend.
"Cried, mostly," Blaine admitted. "Wrote some awful song lyrics, and no, you can't hear them, sang a lot of sad songs. Mostly, I just missed you."
"I'm sorry," Kurt murmured. "So sorry to have put you through this. I, on the other hand, spent those four nights researching suicide and writing letters to everyone. Not exactly my finest moment either."
"You even wrote letters?" Blaine asked, not wanting to hear any of this.
"The stack of envelopes in the box. Would you like to read them?" Kurt asked.
"I don't know," Blaine said. "Did you write one for me?" he asked shyly.
"Yours was the first I wrote. And the last. And five or six drafts in between. Yours was the hardest. Do you want to read it?"
"I think I'd rather burn them all," Blaine said. "I don't like thinking about you killing yourself."
"Okay," Kurt said quietly. "I'll just leave them for now. They express how I feel about everyone I love. Maybe I'll use parts of them to sign peoples' yearbooks this year." The last was said with a smile.
Blaine couldn't help but smile as well. "Your flair for the dramatic never fails to bring a smile to my face." He trailed his fingers across Kurt's cheek. "Are you going to be alright?" he asked softly.
"With your help, how can I not?" Kurt asked, just as softly. "You have always been my strength, brought me courage. How could I have been so foolish as to not remember that?"
"Gut reaction," Blaine said. "You've had enough trauma for awhile. You shut down."
"You're pretty smart," Kurt responded. "Have I ever told you that?"
Blaine merely smiled and pulled Kurt closer. "Are you feeling relaxed enough to sleep?" he asked.
"I don't know," Kurt said. "Tired enough, yes. Relaxed enough, well…"
"Can you lie on your stomach? I'll rub your back awhile, see if that doesn't help," Blaine offered. Kurt nodded, and rolled over. "That's it," Blaine said. He rose up over top of Kurt and pressed his hand lightly against the older boy's back.
Kurt sucked in a deep breath, and tried to calm the pounding of his heart. But it quickly became too much. "Blaine, stop!" he cried. He rolled away, sitting on the edge of the bed, shaking.
"What is it, love?" Blaine asked, confused. "What did I do?"
"Nothing!" Kurt exclaimed, beginning to cry again. "Nothing at all. I just….the same position, facedown, the pressure…it brought back everything!"
"Oh God," Blaine said. He sighed. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean to do that to you. I never want to hurt you."
"It's not your fault," Kurt whispered, swiping at the tears with an angry hand. "Why can't I stop crying?" he asked. "This is ridiculous!"
"Shh," Blaine whispered. "Come here," he said. "I want to hold you…is that alright?"
Kurt nodded. "As long as I can see your face, I'm fine," he said. He rested his head on Blaine's shoulder. "I'm really embarrassed right now," he said. "And not at all ready to sleep anymore."
"Then let's dance," Blaine said suddenly. "A nice slow dance. Get close to one another without any pressure." He picked up the stereo remote and keyed up a slow song. "Come here."
Kurt went willingly into Blaine's arms, pressing a light kiss to his boyfriend's forehead. It was the first kiss he'd initiated since their reunion, and it was the barest brush of lips.
Blaine smiled up at him. "I love you," he said.
"I love you, too," Kurt said softly. His clear countertenor filled the room as the lyrics began. He and Blaine traded off throughout the song, singing softly to one another along with the beautiful voices that made up the group Lady Antebellum.
Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile
I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take it slow
Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No, I don't wanna mess this thing up
No, I don't wanna push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby, I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight
I know that if we give this a little time
It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right
Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No, I don't wanna mess this thing up
No, I don't wanna push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby, I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight
No, I don't want to say goodnight
I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight
Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No, I don't wanna mess this thing up
I don't wanna push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby, I'm alright,
Ooh, let's do this right,
Just a kiss goodnight
Just a kiss goodnight
Kiss goodnight
"I love it when you sing to me," Blaine said, kissing Kurt again.
"I love it when you sing with me," Kurt countered. "I think I can relax now," he murmured. He tugged Blaine back to the bed with him. "Can it be bedtime now?"
Blaine smiled indulgently. "Of course, love," he said, turning down the volume of the music. He helped Kurt into bed and crawled in beside him. Pulling Kurt onto his side, he revelled in the feel of his boyfriend tucked close against him. He reached over and turned off the light, plunging the room into near darkness, save for the moonlight casting shadows through the blinds. It was early, but after the stress of the day, both boys fell asleep fairly quickly.
Carole poured two glasses of red wine. "You put the movie in, I'm going up to check on the boys," she directed her husband. She walked on silent feet up the stairs and peeked into the room through the open door. What she saw brought a smile to her face. The two boys, curled up around one another, obviously fully clothed, hands where she could see them all. The determined look on Blaine's face, even in sleep, told her she had nothing to worry about. Blaine would protect Kurt, no matter what. She pulled the door shut, not wanting to wake them when she and Burt started their evening movie.
Kurt slept fitfully, tossing and turning. He woke Blaine on several occasions without meaning to, and Blaine merely whispered to him, kissed him, and held him until he settled back down. Not a restful night, but Blaine didn't care. He was there for Kurt, and that was all that mattered.
TO BE CONTINUED…
If, that is, I receive any feedback that says it's wanted.