"Uh... maybe we should talk first," Peter looked pained, uncomfortable. The tremulous quake of his chest spoke volumes to Davy.
Davy's eyebrows raised, all his focus on Peter.
"The heavy arsenal you were talking about. David... I know this isn't something to be taken lightly, and I, of all persons, am not...and that's why I'm uptight. I don't know where's its headed. We live together... we're in the same band... we both dated girls up until very recently. I guess what I'm trying to say is... "
Peter was clearly having trouble expressing himself. Davy waited quietly, in his solemn way. He knew Peter would eventually get his concerns across. Peter was a master at communication when he applied himself. Never underestimate Peter, he thought.
"What I mean is... is this just... messing around... or is it more?"
Whoa, Peter was asking a loaded question, and Davy wasn't prepared. He wouldn't have been surprised if Peter had brought this up later on... but things were still in such an early stage that he was caught off guard.
"I mean... I know you're attracted... because you told me... but I don't know what you... expect from me." Peter was struggling, but Davy understood his ambivalence-and he was pretty sure that's just what it was. Davy could feel Peter's desire for him-there was no longer room for doubt on that, but what Peter was asking was if this was a potentially serious thing that was developing between them. He also sensed Peter was as afraid as he was of the emotions, the ramifications.
Davy would just as soon have turned right around and asked Peter what he felt about where things were going. But that wouldn't be fair to Peter. Peter had asked him a question. He needed to acknowledge and answer Peter's question. The ball was in his court, and Peter deserved an answer.
"Peter... I'm going to try to be as candid as I can... and tell you that... I don't know how to answer you... yet. I feel attracted, yes... I feel like touching you almost all the time, yes... I feel close to you-I feel your friendship, and I feel we understand each other... we have a real connection. But... where things might go from here... depends on a lot of things."
Davy hoped he was making sense to Peter.
Peter mulled that over for a moment. "Like?" he asked.
Whew, Peter was really putting the pressure on. Davy knew, though, that Peter was curious, and very concerned about where they each stood. And well he should. It was his right, reasoned Davy. This was not something trivial.
"Like... how you feel about it... how I feel about it, you see. It could be more than a menace, I know that, Peter. It could even be devastating. I get it. We'll have to be really... careful. That means communicating every step of the way... so no one gets hurt... I wouldn't knowingly hurt you, Peter. And I know, without asking, that you wouldn't hurt me. But sometimes... people have to take chances in life."
"I do feel though... as if I'm taking advantage, Davy continued. "I mean, you're here... I'm here, in the same room, and well, you know. But its more than just digging you... its something I can't explain with words."
Davy sighed heavily. "I'm not being clear enough, I know that. What I mean is...I'm not taking advantage, but I'm afraid you'll feel that way. And I don't want that. Hell, what I'm trying to say is... you should never feel like a convenience. If you want me, then you want me. But I'd not play around with your feelings."
Peter sighed, heavy and long. "That's not what I'm worried about...David, don't you see? You live your life making conquests. You don't mean to... but... you hurt girls. All the time. You hurt them without even having a relationship with them. Without even touching them. They look at you... and they want you... and if they can't have you... for whatever reason... well, I've seen what it does to them. I don't want..." Peter stalled out, feeling a drag like that of an emergency brake that hasn't been released. But he lugged on, straining to will Davy to understand his reluctance to experience what must be an awful, heavy ache in the heart from being rejected by Davy Jones.
Peter couldn't let it out-the way he felt. He wanted to tell Davy that he had way too much power. The power to destroy with just a look. Of course he had no control over it, but it ravaged people anyway. And probably way over half the time, Davy didn't even have a clue-that was the freaky part. Peter wanted to talk about it. But he didn't know how to phrase it without making Davy sound like the worst kind of womanizer.
To go around, about your daily business, with no awareness of the extreme provocative feelings you were evoking in others. A foreign thing to Peter if ever there was one. Peter wondered what it must be like to live like that. Was Davy just so accustomed to girls' stares and come-ons that he had learned to block it out?
Davy furiously twirled his love beads, ran them through his teeth, examined his fingernails; although how that was possible in the dim light, Peter had no idea.
"This... trying to distract myself isn't working," Davy said this out of the blue. He was almost hissing, like an annoyed snake. Peter just gaped at him. Davy sure was acting weird tonight.
Davy went on haltingly yet with the conviction Peter so admired. "You, Peter. You remind me of the sun. Watching you in the park the other day... or the other week-I've even lost track of time lately-everything about you is golden. Your hair, your eyes, even that tan you're developing. You love being snuggled and touched. Your skin is even warm like the sun. I can't help but want to be near you. Peter, I don't make conquests. If that's the way it seems... then you've got me all wrong."
"But David, its not conscious on your part! Girls just fall for you... they can't help it. And I don't want to experience what... I've seen some of them suffer... from wanting you."
"Let's get into your bed," said Davy.
"Why?"
"I'll show you."
Why in the hell would Davy want to switch beds all of a sudden? Well, why not? If it would make Davy happy...
So Peter got out of Davy's bed and into his own, Davy creeping close behind him like a prowler's shadow in a cartoon. That's what it reminded Peter of when he saw their shadows on the wall. Peter had recently pushed his bed up tight against the wall, in the corner. He'd done this since learning of Davy's feelings for him. He wasn't even sure why he'd done it. It was as if distance might protect him from Davy's charms. Protect him from temptation. Temptation-it seemed to be Davy's middle name, thought Peter wryly. He'd heard that word come out of so many girls' mouths. Girls who had been rejected by Davy, albeit, as politely as possible. Most of those girls never visited anymore. When asked why, they uttered that word more than any other. They couldn't even tolerate being in the same room as Davy because they seemed to be pulled to him like gravity. And they couldn't face that hurt again...
Once in bed, Davy took advantage and chased Peter right into the upper corner-the corner where the bed met the wall. Undulating like two quickly traveling caterpillars, thought Peter, as he squirumed and scrunched as close to the wall as possible, a relentless Davy in very hot pursuit. Once Davy set his mind on something, Peter knew it was going to be nearly impossible to stop him in his tracks, or even slow him down. He was dauntless.
"Now what're ya gonna do?" Davy was playing with him.
"You've got me between a rock and a hard spot."
"Not exactly," mused Davy. "More like a wall and a hard spot. "Whoops! Did I say that?" Davy clapped his hand over his mouth in mock horror. Cocksure cuteness so overwhelming, Peter almost couldn't bear it.
In an instant, Peter recognized the charm Davy was bestowing, and from past observation he knew it was dangerous as all hell. The warning bells were clanging unpleasantly in his head. Not tinkling, but clanging. Oh, Peter knew all about this little game of Davy's. Peter knew his methods, and this time, instead of a girl, the twerp was using them on him! Davy had a way of mixing humor with seriousness in just the right portions as he stalked his prey. Alpha...sexy, confident alpha.
With Davy squeezing up tight against his side, Peter started getting tingly again. Prickles all up and down his sides, and lower... Wow, how was it possible for another man to turn him on like this? He wanted to scream, get away from me, you heartbreaker!
"How do you bloody like it, you tease?" Davy's voice and breath soft and too close to Peter's ear.
"Like what? What did I do?"
"Kissed me and then started giving me all the reasons you shouldn't kiss me anymore."
"I was being truthful... I am scared of those things. And you're being a shitty stinker!"
There was a moment of silence, then a frustrated, drawn out moan from Davy's direction.
"Pete, I told you not to fuckin' tease me!"
"I wasn't trying to...it was just...scary. It felt too good, David."
Now Davy grew somberly serious. "You don't have to do a damn thing, Pete. Cool it. I'm through. The only way now that anything will happen is if you come after me. Just please quit your provocative actions."
"How've I been provocative?"
"At practices, rehearsals, gigs. Everywhere! You smile at me in that sly way of yours... grind your hips, shake that bass and then point it at me-you think I didn't notice your salute? I know its meant as a compliment, but... throwin' that dimple my way, and a lotta other things. I could list dozens. You're a sexy beast, and I'd take you down to the floor and kiss the shit out of you if there weren't other people around! Teach you to flirt and then withhold from me like that! And the funny thing about it is... you wouldn't fight it one bit."
That stung. Peter wasn't aware he'd even been withholding anything. But what affected him even more was the part about him not fighting Davy, and that made him blush deeply. Davy knew Peter wanted him. He'd probably known it a long time before Peter himself did!
Peter turned pale. "First, I'm saluting you with my bass out of respect for you, and second, I'm not deliberately provoking you! And no... I probably wouldn't fight it, but I play for keeps..." Peter's simple, bald statement took Davy aback. "And you don't," Peter added for good measure.
"How many times do you have to have proof that I don't do it on purpose? You've seen yourself that I'm not mean and testy with girls. I'm not careless with their feelings. Its just that a lot of them are just too pushy. And you're not teasing me, are you? How are you keeping me spellbound then?"
"Never tried to." Peter sounded weary. " Just being myself."
The simplicity in that statement told the entire story. Peter was being himself, but by being himself, he was spellbinding Davy. Davy understood suddenly, as the same thing happened to him with girls. Even doing nothing out of the ordinary, he attracted them. As far as the two of them went though, Davy didn't think Peter was grasping the spellbound part. How serious it was. How deep it grew in Davy's gut. But then, Davy himself wasn't owning up to not "playing for keeps," as Peter put it.
If he could just openly admit it-that he hurt women. But it hurt him to think about it. To keep from ever hurting another woman, Davy would have to stay holed up, and never be seen in public. The yearning he caused was grevious. But he didn't know how to put a stop to it. A girl could see him on the street, restaurant, or at a gig, or anywhere, and have plentiful fantasy material for months or even longer. Then he'd have to start watching over his shoulder, as he always had at least a few stalking him when he was least prepared for it. He was just being himself, and the women craved him. Peter was just being himself, and Davy was craving him. Why hadn't he seen this before?
"Too many reasons..." Peter trailed off, unable to finish his thought, but it didn't take much to figure out.
"Maybe sometime you'll give me those reasons-all of them, so I can try to make things right,'' it took a lot out of Davy to say those words, but he hoped Peter would think it over and consider it.
His heart was leaden-lacking its usual sanguine spirit as Davy went back to his own bed, and it was all Peter could manage not to beg him to stay.