Broken

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Sighing, Ahsoka pushed back the covers of her bed. She prepared herself for another lonely, depressing day. That's how things were now. She felt like she had no reason to live if this was how things were going to be. She wasn't getting any better, and she was all too aware of it. Honestly, she just seemed to be getting worse and worse. She'd become even more lonely. She hadn't spoken to anyone in almost two weeks.

Anakin was visiting his quarters more and more, but he never spoke to her. Not even once. They hadn't even looked at eachother. Ahsoka was too ashamed to, while she just thought that Anakin couldn't bear to look at his failure of a Padawan.

The Togruta sat on her bed, head in her hands. Surely things couldn't get much worse. She had nothing now. No friends; no one wanted her around. Her only friends were her bed and her knife. They were the only things that hadn't rejected her.

She had even considered running away several times. But she couldn't do that; she couldn't leave everything that she had ever known behind.

The fact that no one, no one at all, had come to visit her really upset the child. It proved that no one really wanted her around, that they didn't care whether she was alright or not.

Ahsoka rolled up her sleeves. She traced her fingertips over the many cuts and scars that decorated her once clear, orange arms. At first, she had only cut her left arm; however, she soon ran out of room and started to harm the other arm. Now, both of her forearms were covered in cuts and scars. There were just so many things that made her do it. Sadness, guilt, loneliness, self-hatred… and the voices, too.

She really couldn't take much more of the mental torture. She wanted to speak to someone so desperately, but she couldn't because no one wanted to see her. She was also scared of opening up to someone; they could betray her trust in them and use her problems against her. She was also scared that she'd be bothering them with her pathetic problems. No one really cared anyway.

It seemed that even Obi-Wan didn't want to see her. Even Master Plo hadn't come to visit her.

Ahsoka heard a noise from outside of her door and she swiftly pulled down her sleeves, just in case someone came in.

They didn't though. She hadn't really expected someone to come in, but you can never to be careful.

Her habit of cutting herself had become a daily thing now. It was every day. It was her way of coping with everything. Her way of controlling the emotional pain.

Her comlink beeped for the first time in two weeks. A surprised Ahsoka reached for it and held it to her mouth. "Padawan Tano, here." She said in her tired voice. Her thought hurt a little when she spoke, though. She guessed it was because she hadn't really spoken to anyone in such a long time.

"Ahsoka? Hello, how are you? I haven't seen you in so long; would you like to come round for lunch?" It was Padmé. Surely she hated Ahsoka too, Anakin must have told her about her failure. He always told Padmé when they had arguments and fallout's. After all, they were both close. Almost too close, Ahsoka thought. She suspected that there was something going on between the two adults.

However, Padmé seemed perfectly happy and cheerful while talking to Ahsoka. Who knows, maybe Padmé didn't hate her.

At the moment, one of the only things Ahsoka wanted was to talk to someone; she was just so lonely. She was a Togruta; a species that spent lots of time with others. She hadn't spent any time with anyone for half a month. It was torture.

Ahsoka didn't really know how to respond. "Um, yeah, I'd love to, thank you."

"Great! I'll see you at my apartment in an hour?" The happy Senator replied cheerfully.

She was just about to hang up when Ahsoka burst out; "Padmé, wait! Will Master Skywalker be there?"

"No, he's off on a mission today. Surely you'd know that? Anyway, put something nice on, we're going out."

"Okay, Senator. I'll see you in an hour then." Replied Ahsoka, setting down her comlink on the side. She was actually kind of happy to be going out, to be finally getting out of the Temple for a while. She'd been cooped up in her room for two weeks already; any longer she feared she'd go insane. She'd only ever left her quarters to go to the mess hall or do some training.

Ahsoka stood in front of her wardrobe, scratching her back lekku. She had a few nice dresses that Padmé had kindly given to her. But there was one problem with all of them; they were all short sleeved…

Biting her lip, Ahsoka thought, trying to think of an excuse to not where a dress, or any 'nice' clothing.

… … … … … … … …

"Ahsoka!" Padmé opened the door immediately after Ahsoka stopped knocking. She pulled Ahsoka into a big hug. "I've missed you! I don't even remember the last time I saw you! I'm sure you've grown even more since I last saw you!"

Ahsoka frowned slightly; why would Padmé miss her? She was just a nuisance to everyone… "I've missed you, too, Padmé. I'm sorry I couldn't dress up. Since Anakin is out, I could be called on a mission at any time, so I can't really go chasing after a criminal in a dress can I?" Ahsoka put on a fake smile, which, judging by Padmé's small chuckle, she fell for the fake smile.

"It's okay, Ahsoka. I understand. You look nice anyway."

… … … … … … … …

"So, Ahsoka, what have you been doing these past few weeks?" Padmé asked.

Oh, nothing much. Crying my eyes out, sitting in my room, cutting myself… Ahsoka thought, but what came out of her mouth was; "Oh, not much really. I had a mission a couple of weeks ago…" She trailed off, wanting to change the subject. The memories were coming back, but she wouldn't let them ruin her day. She was actually really enjoying Padmé's company. "What about you? I'm sure you've been busy lately?"

"I've had a few important meetings and things like that, nothing you'd really be interested in, though." She smiled at the Togruta, "However, I did see Lux. He's doing well. He's enjoying being the new Senator of Onderon. It's a little stressful for him – I can tell – but I can see he's enjoying it."

"Oh, really?" Ahsoka asked, suddenly interested in what the Senator was saying. She took a swig of her drink – none alcoholic; of course, she was still underage for that. Padmé had a wine, so it'd be Ahsoka driving them back to the apartment.

"Yes. He told me to ask you if you both could meet up sometime, perhaps for lunch or something." Padmé smiled; she knew that they were close friends and that they'd been through a lot together.

"That'd be nice, thanks for telling me." Ahsoka put on another fake smile; she'd been doing that a lot lately.

"Ahsoka, no offence, but you look terrible. Have you been having nightmares again? I couldn't help but notice that you've lost weight as well…" She looked concerned.

Yes. "No, I just haven't really been sleeping that well. But I'm okay, don't worry. And as for the weight loss, I just haven't really been that hungry lately. Perhaps I'm coming down with something, but I'm sure I'll be fine." Ahsoka put on another smile. She was getting good at faking smiles. She's definitely had a lot of practice.

Even though Ahsoka was smiling, Padmé couldn't help but notice the Togruta's pale skin, the bags under her eyes, the dramatic weight loss… Ahsoka had always been a small, thin girl, but this was ridiculous. But what disturbed Padmé the most was Ahsoka's eyes. They were a completely different shade of blue. She wasn't even sure if they were blue or not, they looked grey. They were dull. They didn't shine anymore. Padmé just prayed that all the difference to Ahsoka's features were all because of lack of sleep and food.

The Restaurant was very fancy. Ahsoka felt slightly out of place. Everyone was wearing suits and flowing dresses and fancy clothing. She just looked quite casual, but Padmé said she looked fine, so she wasn't as paranoid.

Ahsoka was definitely feeling better now that she was talking to someone and being social. She'd just been so terribly lonely.

After their dinner, Ahsoka drove them back to the Senator's apartment. They laughed a lot, having a good time. Someone in the restaurant had spilled their wine all over themselves, and Ahsoka just thought it was the most hilarious thing ever. It was the first time she'd laughed in a while. It felt foreign, in a way. She hadn't laughed in so long. She even smiled; a real smile. Not fake; real.

However, the young Jedi apprentice had a bad feeling about something….something was going to go wrong, she just knew it.

Playing holochess was now a game that Ahsoka frequently played. She was getting good, but she still wasn't as good as Padmé. They sat opposite eachother, both thinking about their next move.

Smirking, Ahsoka pressed a button and the little holo-monster moved up one spaced to the left. The Senator would certainly have some problems finding a strategy now.

Ahsoka reached over to the small counter where two drinks sat, keeping her eyes on the table, think of what Padmé's strategy could be. As she reached to get her drink, she did not notice her sleeve coming up.

Suddenly, Padmé's hand shot out and grabbed Ahsoka's wrist. "Ahsoka, what is this?!" Padmé demanded, pulling up Ahsoka's sleeve, eyes wide. They grew wider when she could properly see her arm. Cuts. That's pretty much all she could see. They were everywhere. Shallow, deep, crisscrossing. Some hadn't even closed up yet.

"It's nothing," Ahsoka stuttered, pulling her arm out of Padmé's grasp, yanking down the sleeve quickly. Her heart was racing. She knew something was going to go wrong. She should have been more careful.

"No, Ahsoka, it's not." The Senator moved out of her seat and advanced on the Padawan, this time grabbing the other arm and pulling up her other sleeve to reveal more cuts. The cuts actually looked worse on that arm. "Ahsoka?!Why would you do this to yourself?!"

"I told you, it's nothing!" Ahsoka snarled, standing up and forcing Padmé to shift a little so Ahsoka didn't knock her off her seat. Ahsoka's voice had increased greatly in volume. This worried Padmé. Ahsoka never shouted. The Senator had never seen her like this before. It was kind of…scary. She was shocked.

"Ahsoka, please…" She said softly, "Ahsoka, what's wrong? What's made you do this to yourself?"

"I told you, it's nothing." Ahsoka murmured, pulling her sleeves over her hands. She was trembling.

As Padmé shifted around the couch, Ahsoka tensed up, thinking Padmé was going to try and yank her sleeves up again. She clutched onto the bottom of her sleeves tightly, so tightly that her knuckles started to turn white. However, the Senator didn't try to look at her arms again; she gently put her arm around the fragile teenager. "Ahsoka, please… You know I care about you, please just tell me what's wrong."

Ahsoka really, really didn't want to tell her, but she also wanted to talk so desperately. She'd just been so lonely and isolated. Not speaking to anyone for two weeks had been driving her crazy… She'd been living in a world of self-hatred and loneliness for too long…

She'd sit on her bed at night – and in the day – knees up to her chest, shaking and crying as the blood rolled down her arm, wishing that someone could just kill her, for something to come and end the pain. She could easily end her own life. Her lightsaber had killed many others so easily; it could do the same to her. But she couldn't do it. For some reason, she just couldn't end her own life. There was something – though she didn't know what it was – keeping her here in the Universe. She'd thought about killing herself lots of times though. She'd even planned everything out, but she'd never carried out any of the plans.

Holding back tears, Ahsoka laid her head on Padmé's shoulder, swallowing before she began to speak, "I just…can't cope, Padmé. Everything is too much. I wish Master Plo had never even found me… No one wants me around, I'm just not wanted. I hate it. I hate everything. I don't want to here anymore…"

Padmé just didn't know what to say. "Ahsoka…I don't understand. What's happened?"

"Well," Ahsoka swallowed down a lump that had mysteriously appeared in her throat, "Master Skywalker and I were on this mission a couple of weeks ago. I screwed up, badly. I messed everything up and got almost everyone killed. The ones who survived all got hurt. I disobeyed orders and now everything's falling apart. Master Skywalker won't even speak to me. He hates me – everyone hates me. I've been alone since then… No one has even come to see me, not even Master Plo…he hates me too…you should have seen the way he looked at me at the Council meeting…" Ahsoka couldn't stop the tears from leaking out, "And I can't stop the voices…stop them, make them stop…"

Padmé just didn't know what to do. Her husband's Padawan was breaking down… She wrapped her arms around Ahsoka and held her as she cried. She could even feel that Ahsoka had lost a lot of weight. She was just so thin. "What do the voices say?"

"They say I'm pathetic. They tell me I'm not worthy to be a Jedi and that I'm not wanted. They say that I'd be better off dead… And they're right. I don't deserve to be alive… Everything they say is true…"

The Senator tightened her arms around the Togruta, "Ahsoka that's not true…don't listen to them, they're lying…all of them are lying…"

"No, they're not…" Ahsoka squeezed her eyes shut, more tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Do they tell you to hurt yourself?"

Ahsoka shook her head, "No. I do it because I deserve the physical pain. It makes me feel better, it makes me shut the voices out and forget the pain for a little while…"

And it did. Even if she forgot about the pain for a few minutes, even a few seconds, it was worth it. That small amount of control was worth having cuts all along her arms. They physical pain drowned out the emotions, killing them a little… They'd return later, though. But getting rid of them for a small amount of time was good.

"You need help." Padmé said, withdrawing her arms from around the girl.

"No! No, I don't… You think I'm crazy, don't you? I'm not mad, I'm not…" Ahsoka drew her legs up to her chest and hid her face in her knees. She wrapped her arms around her legs tightly, probably opening some of the deeper cuts, but she didn't care.

"No, Ahsoka, I'm not saying you're crazy…you just need to speak to someone who can actually help you properly…"

"No!" Ahsoka burst out, "They'll think I'm crazy as well… I'm not crazy! I'm not! It's just a way to get rid of the pain for a while… You don't understand…"

"Ahsoka, at least let me see them? They're infected and that can cause some serious harm to you…"

"I don't care… I just want to die. I don't care how; I could burn to death for all I care! I just don't want to be around anymore…"

… … … … … … … …

Well, that's chapter two done. This was actually kinda hard for me to write. No one (except some friends) knows about my cutting, so it was kinda hard to write Padmé's reaction. I hope I've done okay though?

Please review? :)