Broken

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"Ahsoka don't say that…" Padmé honestly had no idea what to say, or what to do. "Don't say that. Don't even think it. You're better than that. You don't deserve to die at all. Ahsoka, please just let me treat the wounds…?" She laid a hand on Ahsoka's shoulder, keeping it there even when Ahsoka flinched when her hand made contact with her; she wasn't really used to contact with people anymore. She wasn't really used to talking to people, either. Looking away from the older woman, Ahsoka frowned. Padmé sighed and continued, "Ahsoka, put yourself in my position. If someone who you considered a little sister or even as a daughter had been doing what you've been doing, you'd be very worried and very concerned wouldn't you?"

"I guess but… I don't think of anyone as a younger sibling. I don't talk to people…"

Padmé was running out of things to say to the girl. "Ahsoka, please just let me treat them? Even a blind person would be able to tell that they're infected and need to be treated."

"But, Padmé…" And now Ahsoka was running out of excuses. She didn't want Padmé to see them… She was ashamed of herself, and she was pretty sure that Padmé would be ashamed of her too.

"Please?" The Senator held one of the Togruta's cold, shaking hands, squeezing it reassuringly. She looked Ahsoka straight in the eyes. Her brown eyes were caring and loving, just like they always had been. Just looking into Padmé's soft eyes made her believe that someone actually cared and wanted to help.

"…Fine then. But don't take long…" She didn't want Padmé to see her arms any longer than she needed to. She was just so ashamed of what she'd done… She sighed, which was unnoticed by Padmé. She trusted Padmé – of course she did, she had practically been the Mother that Ahsoka had never really had – but her heart was racing, she was starting to sweat a little and she was scared, worried and anxious. Ahsoka gripped her sleeve tightly and slowly pulled it up, trying not to smear the small amount of blood that had leaked out of the deeper cuts.

The brunette Senator seemed to wince slightly when she saw the Togruta's arm again. This time she could actually see and focus on the wounds properly. They were actually worse than she thought they were. All of them – even the ones that's weren't deep – were red around the outside of the cut, and some – mostly the deeper ones – were oozing out yellow liquid. Definitely infected, Padmé thought, cringing a little.

Padmé gently dabbed away a few specks of blood from Ahsoka's arm with a soft, white cloth. She could feel the disturbing heat of the girl's arm, even through the fabric of the cloth.

Obviously when Ahsoka had done the cuts, she had no intention of looking after them and making sure they didn't get infected. Padmé was 100% sure that Ahsoka's arm was infected. She had all the signs and symptoms of infection; redness, swelling, puss and heat around the wound. The deep ones were the worst. Some of the older, deep ones hadn't even closed up properly yet. They looked extremely painful, but when Padmé started to clean and dress them, Ahsoka didn't even flinch. "Do they hurt?" She looked at the younger girl.

"You mean now or when I did them?" Ahsoka asked, helping Padmé hold the bacta patch in place on her arm with her free hand.

"Both, I guess." Padmé replied, cringing at one of the deepest cuts. It looked painful. Actually, they all looked pretty painful to Padmé. It probably needed stitches, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to get Ahsoka to see a doctor because she'd refuse to go. The Senator was already feeling nauseous and she hadn't even started on the other arm yet!

"Well, they hurt a little when I did them, I guess. Because all the things that are going on in your head," she pointed to her head with her free hand, "just disappear. I could feel the pain in my arm, but in a way, I couldn't. I just can't explain. The part that comes after hurts though. When I cleaned them, they sting really badly, but it's not really a bad thing. Makes me feel even better, I guess. And they hurt a little now, but not much…" She said, clenching her teeth when Padmé cleaned a fairly new cut that hadn't even started to scab over yet.

"I'm guessing you haven't really been looking after these, have you?"

"Not really… I cleaned the deeper ones and I washed all the blood away, but they just kept splitting back open when I cleaned them, so I just left them… I thought they'd heal quicker if they were closed up." Ahsoka said, biting her lip, looking down at the floor she didn't have to look at Padmé.

"Well, I hope you know that the reason they keep reopening is because they need stitches… And they're all infected because you haven't been cleaning them and they've been covered up so no oxygen has gotten to them. Ahsoka, I'm sure you know that these are all going to scar…" Padmé said sadly. She was going to have to live with the scars for the rest of her life. She was so young, so beautiful, and she was going to have these scars on her body for the rest of her life.

"I know…" Ahsoka sighed, glancing at her arm, before continuing, "I guess I didn't think about that when I did them. I'm sorry, Padmé… You must be so ashamed of me." She looked down at the ground.

"No, Ahsoka, I'm not." It's just going to be hard for me to see someone as young and as beautiful as you living with these marks on your skin for the rest of your life. Just imagine if you ever had children and you're child asked you how you got them?"

"Padmé, I'm never having kids, remember? I'm never going to have a family, I'm a Jedi." Ahsoka shrugged, "Who'd ever love me anyway?"

"Ahsoka, don't say that. I'm sure if you weren't a Jedi, you'd have all the boys after you. And anyway, even if you don't start a family of your own, Anakin and Obi-Wan and I are your family… And the clones."

Ahsoka bit the inside of her cheek, flash backs appearing in her mind. Dead clones, everywhere; limp bodies, crimson blood, everywhere. She blinked the horrifying image away. "All of the Clones hate me, Padmé…" Ahsoka murmured quietly, staring at the ground and shuffling her feet.

Padmé bit her lip. She regretting bringing up the Clones. "What about Lux and all your friends?"

Ahsoka laughed slightly, thought there was no humour in it at all. "And what would they say if they found out? 'Oh yeah, that Ahsoka girl. That weird freak who cuts herself when she's upset.'"

"Ahsoka…"

Ahsoka stood up quickly, anger suddenly escalating through her, "It's true though, isn't it? Look at me; I'm a mess." Ahsoka threw her arms out, her voice getting louder and louder as she spoke, "I'm a failure. I'm supposed to be this. I'm meant to be strong, that's what I've been trained to be. But I'm not. I'm weak. I'm not worthy enough to be Jedi; look at all the trouble and destruction I've caused. I got so many people killed that day. I'm a murderer." Ahsoka rubbed her forehead, and then her eyes. She wouldn't cry; she'd spent half of her recent time crying, anyway. "Look Padmé," Ahsoka lowered the volume of her voice back to normal, "I appreciate all your help, but it's really not needed. I have everything under control."

"Under control?!" Padmé burst out, standing up quickly, "Ahsoka, you look at yourself in the mirror and tell me that everything is under control. You look at your arms and tell me that. You're depressed and you need some support, whether it's from me or whoever. You certainly don't have everything under control. What happens if you cut too deep? What happens if you kill yourself?! You do not have everything under control, Ahsoka Tano, and I'm calling Anakin over right now to-"

"No!" Ahsoka stopped the Senator midsentence, "No. Padmé, don't… He can't know, he mustn't ever know! Don't tell him, please… I'd rather have the Jedi Order know but him…please Padmé don't… He's already so disappointed in me. He's probably sending me back, and he'd definitely send me back if he knew about this." Ahsoka was on the verge of tears. If Anakin found out… she didn't even know what she'd do.

"Ahsoka, he needs to know. He's your Master and he has a right to know." Padmé said. Anakin did deserve to know, this was his Padawan! The girl was basically his little sister, or even a daughter! They were – or used to be – so close. They'd learnt to love and trust eachother over the years, and it was his job to train and protect her.

"Padmé, you don't understand… He-he's already so angry with me. He'd hate me even more if he found out. He can't know… He's already got so much weight on his shoulders, and him knowing about my stupid, pathetic problems would just make him more stressed. He mustn't know…" Ahsoka begged. Maybe if she got down on her knees she'd be able to convince her…

"Ahsoka, he's going to find out one day." Padmé stated. She was probably right, but Ahsoka didn't want to believe her. She refused to believe her.

"It's not like her cares anyway!" Ahsoka was shouting again, pacing around the room. "Who'd even care about someone who got hundreds and hundreds of Clones killed?! Who cares about a stupid, pathetic, worthless failure like me?! I'll make sure he doesn't find out. He won't. The only way he'd ever find out is if you tell him, or I do. And none of those things are going to happen. He can't know."

"Why don't you just talk to him about this?!"

Ahsoka wasn't just shouting anymore. She was screaming. "Because he hasn't even gone near me for the past two weeks, let alone speak to me! Why can't you understand? He doesn't want me around! I've apologised so many times already, he doesn't care, and he doesn't want to speak to me! I've tried already, but it doesn't work! What's the point of trying something if it's not going to work?!"

"That's not true! Anakin does care about you!" Padmé shouted back, her tone almost matching Ahsoka's, only not as harsh.

"Well, Senator, it is true. If he had wanted to speak to me – if anyone had wanted to speak to me – they would have come to my quarters and spoken to me. I've been there for two weeks and no one at all has come to see me. So do you know what that means, Padmé? Oh yes, no one wants to see me. Anakin even knows I've been sitting there. He knows I'm there day and night, but he doesn't come to see me." Ahsoka grabbed her cloak from where it was resting on a table and threw it around her. She yanked up the hood violently. She wasn't dealing with this anymore. She was fed up now. She didn't care anymore. Just as she reached the door, she turned, anger flashing in her eyes, the shadow of her hood hiding most of her face in darkness as she snarled, baring her teeth, "And if anyone finds out about this, I'll make sure you'll regret it." The door slammed loudly behind her.

Padmé stood there, shocked. Ahsoka had threatened her. She was sure she had seen Ahsoka's eyes flicker a sickening yellow colour, and she was sure she wasn't imagining it. She didn't want to admit, but she was actually scared. Ahsoka used to be – she still was, deep down – a lovely girl. She was so sweet and kind and caring.

The Senator tried to convince herself that Ahsoka was only acting that way because of stress and lack of sleep. It was obvious she hadn't been sleeping or eating properly. She was so tense, as well; Padmé wouldn't be surprised if the Padawan had been experiencing back pains and sore shoulders and neck.

But something, a voice in the back of her mind, was telling her that it wasn't because of that. Ahsoka had spent so much time hating herself, maybe she was taking out on other now… She didn't know. Perhaps the guilt and sadness was driving her crazy, and she was slowly going insane…

She needed to speak to Anakin. If she did, though, and Ahsoka found out, what would she do? Padmé knew that the child was absolutely capable of killing; she was sixteen - almost seventeen, she reminded herself – and she'd already killed living beings; and not just with her lightsaber. And seeing the way Ahsoka had acted before she left, Padmé grew very anxious; Ahsoka may still be the same girl, but she was changing, and it wasn't for the better…

… … … … …. … … … … … …

Sitting on her bed, Ahsoka smacked her head against the wall the cold wall she was leaning on. How could she have been so stupid?! Threatening the Senator of Naboo! She was an idiot. She'd surely tell Anakin now… or the police.

She was so stupid. She messed everything up. No wonder Anakin never wanted you in the first place. You're pathetic. Anyone would make a better apprentice than a failure like you.

Luckily for her, Anakin wasn't in, but she was so worried. Padmé would tell him – or someone – she was sure of it. What in the Universe had she been thinking?

Another spark of rage flickered through her.

Soon, things were being thrown across the room; chairs, lamps, drawers, clothes, everything. She was losing control over everything. Both her actions and her feelings. She was going insane.

Objects smashed against the durasteel floors, shattering all over the floor. Glass clattered all over the floor, and it crunched under her boots. She couldn't take this anymore. Everything was falling apart. Her life was crumbling to pieces in front of her.

Breathing heavily, she looked at the many pieces of glass on the ground. That's what her life was now. Shattered pieces. Looking up, she examined the damage she'd done to her room. It was mess; like her life.

The only thing that caught her full attention was the knife lying on the ground. A few specks of dried blood stained the blade. Ahsoka crouched down and picked it up. It felt so familiar holding it in her hand. It must have fallen out of its drawer when she tipped the whole thing over.

Gripping the knife tightly in her hand, she stood again, clenching her teeth. She needed to calm down, and she knew she did, but she couldn't. She was so angry, and she couldn't control it. She was furious. With who, though?

Everyone. Herself, Padmé, Anakin, Plo, the Clones, everyone. Angry at Padmé for getting in her business, angry at Anakin for not talking to her, angry at the Clones for all the glares and harsh words they had said to her. But she was mostly angry at herself for letting it all happen.

Ahsoka was knew that she shouldn't be angry. That wasn't the Jedi way. She wasn't supposed to feel anger. But she did. It wasn't just anger; it was something more than that. In a way, she was kind of scared of herself, if she turned to the Darkside. However, at the moment, she didn't really care.

Hiding the knife in the folds of her cloak, the Padawan opened the door, stomping out the door way and into the living room. Happy memories of her and Anakin messing about flooded her mind. She shook her head, trying to get them to leave. Happy memories only made her feel worse; they made her wonder how things had changed so much.

Blinking away the memories, she took a deep breath. She had to leave. Not run away, just get out for a bit. No one would notice that'd she'd gone.

Checking her speeder keys were in her pocket, she stormed off, keeping her face hidden in the shadows of her hood. She put up her mental shields so no one could sense her negative emotions.

There was no way anything would ever be the same again. Padmé knew about the cutting, Anakin would never trust her again, the Clones would look at her and only see a failure who got hundreds of their brothers killed. She was sure that Plo would regret finding her.

She was never going to achieve anything. She'd never done anything special. She was just Ahsoka Tano; the failure, the embarrassment to the Jedi Order, the girl who couldn't follow orders and ruined everything.

She was Ahsoka Tano, and she was no one special.

All she'd wanted to do for years was prove that she could amount up to something. No one believed in her at first. She only wanted to prove herself. That had changed now, however. Now, all she wanted was to be forgiven for the mess she'd caused. For everyone to like her again, for the scars to fade away, for everything to be back the way it used to be.

… … … … … … … … … … …

Rubbing his tired eyes, Anakin let out a breath through his mouth and trudged down the hallway. He'd come back from his tiring mission late in the night, when most Jedi – certainly the Younglings and Padawan's – would be sleeping. Ahsoka would be sleeping probably.

He was kind of shocked when he realised that he hadn't spoken to her for two weeks. He'd seen her around a few times – hidden in her cloak that was too big for her, her dull eyes focusing on the ground – but he'd never actually spoken to her. He couldn't bring himself to. He would snap at her again, he was sure of it.

He didn't know whether to talk to her not; he knew he'd have to forgive someday, but he just couldn't. She disobeyed his orders and got hundreds killed. She'd failed him and the Republic.

That had made him look like a bad Master.

After a long think, Anakin decided that maybe it was time to forgive the girl. Even if he was angry and disappointed, everyone deserved a second chance.

He still cared for her – of course he did, she was his Snips – and he wanted to know if she was okay. Everyone had told him that no one had seen her around much, and she was rarely seen in the mess hall. They said that she hadn't been eating a lot either, which concerned him.

When he reached their quarters he set down all his things in his room and then stood in front of the Togruta's bedroom door. He hadn't seen her in a good few days. She'd be asleep, but he wanted to make sure she was. The girl had a history of staying up extremely late and then complaining that was tired the next day. It was a teenager thing.

He opened the door slowly, and the sight he saw shocked him. It was a mess; everything was tipped over, glass was shattered on the floor, clothes were slumped in the corners. It looked like an earthquake had occurred.

Ahsoka was not there. He couldn't sense her, either. At first he thought that maybe she'd be kidnapped, but no one could possible get into the Temple with all the guards. It was impossible.

So, there was one option left.

She'd run away.

And he was going to kill her when he found her.

… … … … … … … … … …

Well, it looks like this might just be a littttlllleeee longer than three chapters…

Anyway, sorry for the sucky chapter, I guess I kinda rushed it a little. Thanks to all my wonderful, supportive reviewers as well!

Love you all! Hope you're all okay. Oh, just thought I'd let you all know, I'm planning on stopping cutting. You guys have made me want to stop :) So far, 5 days.

Please review!